When my dad passed away in October last year – my world came crashing down. I felt – I have no one left in the world! My Dad was my life, my power, my positivity, and my inspiration to fight back the abnormalities of life.
Death is inevitable, but can we ever prepare ourselves for the death of a loved one? No – never!
My Dad suffered briefly before his demise - never did we believe that he is not going to return home. He was so positive, so were we! I knew my dad is a fighter and he will fight back like all other times.
I prayed and believed in positivity, but death perhaps has a timing. It waits for no one...it is never late or early, rushes and snatches away our loved ones. Money, fame, bonding, love, need – death doesn’t care! It does it job well and in great perfection, every time without failure. It always wins against the best efforts, medical science, money and relationships.
We all have to accept, when death knocks the door, though we do our best to keep it away, we fail miserably.
Dad..with his captivating smile.
Things had changed drastically in the last few days before my dad passed away. He had developed an infection, which had spread all over his body. His kidneys were not able to cope the high dose of antibiotics which were being pumped in. His other organs were fast failing. They gave up and so did the immunity system in spite of the best team of Doctors attending him. He was shifted to the ICU for the last efforts to revive his condition, with the best monitoring and best medicines. We waited for a miracle to happen, though we knew the end was quickly approaching. Finally, my Dad suffered a cardiac arrest and nothing could save him.
I lost my Dad on 24th October 2017...just one day before my birthday!!! It was a huge blow for our entire family. Much more because just a month back we had lost another family member. My uncle had passed away and that too suddenly. He was 7 years younger than my dad. He was a fitness freak and healthy. But...life is so unpredictable. We never know when death comes knocking. We had still not come in terms of his death, when tragedy struck us once again.
I was calm – maybe in little peace with the thought that my Dad did not have to suffer any more. He felt no pain. He passed away peacefully. Messages of ‘staying strong’, being positive, fighting back, love and everything which were supposed to make me a little comfortable started pouring in.
I have a lovely family, my friends are great, but at this time, no one could make me feel a little comfortable.
Staying Strong – Is that so easy?
This is the first time I realized in life, ‘staying strong’ doesn’t make any sense. It is just something your friends and relatives say in the hour of crisis. I too must have said so many times to my friends, without understanding how it felt.
How could I stay strong? I lost my dad, I am not going to hear him, speak to him, see him – how can I stay strong? It is not the time to be strong. I was grief stricken. I felt lonely, terribly lonely, helpless, pathetic and depressed.
I did not want to stay strong. I felt weak from within. My strength had left. It is never easy to stay strong – infact, it is actually impossible. I knew, never again I would tell anyone to ‘stay strong’ when there is a life loss.
Coping Without My Dad
A week later, nothing had changed. I was sulking, memories of the good times spent with my dad kept flashing all the while. His iPad, books, pens, clothes – everything reminded me, he is not going to come back to use them again. It was difficult to believe, tough to accept. I couldn’t carry on with the regular things in life – I realized I couldn’t cope without my dad.
My dad taught me to stay strong, but definitely not without him. How could I?
Another week passed, my mental state remained just the same.I stopped surfing the net, was not active in the social media, lost interest in music or TV. Life seemed blank. I lost interest in the usual normal stuff, which pleased me. Friends started calling me more frequently, colleagues started diverting my thoughts, but it wasn’t easy.
I knew I had to try – Dad is never going to come back. I need to accept it and move ahead. My Dad wouldn’t want me to be like this. I started reading motivating quotes, books, and started listening to music…all to distract my attention.
But in vain…maybe I was 10% better. The mood never changed, I was in the usual sulking self. I kept sulking more and more. I allowed myself to sulk, feel low, depressed and negative. This seemed normal for me. I did not wish to pretend normal and I did not want to be also. I wanted to mourn....to my hearts content.
Time is the best healer!
Indeed – this is what I learnt!
There are scores of articles in the internet on how to cope with the loss of a parent, I perhaps have ready 50% of them. For me, they did not work. Time healed for me. Now after three months, I am certainly better. The absence of my Dad pricks me just the same way it did, three months back, but now I smile thinking about the memories with my dad. The fun times we spent, the moments I made him proud, his birthdays we celebrated with great pomp and all the good times.
My dad lived his life fully! He died without any pain or much suffering. I wouldn’t want him to live a few years more in suffering, or in a vegetative state or with a lot of restrictions. No one wishes to see their loved ones in such a state.
I still have a long way to go. I will always miss my Dad, his smile, his cheerful expression, his advice and his presence. My struggle without him is a long way to go. I know he will give me strength to live my life as we wished for me.
He was a happy man and led a fulfilling life.
RIP Dad, until we meet again!