Grief's Path - The Loss of a Son
The Loss Of A Son
There are a lot of words one can write about grief, however, grief's path is different for everyone, and the words come slowly. Especially, when it is your child.
I have written a few articles since my son's passing, but the words never seem adequate or sufficient. The past four months and 22 days have been stressful, and I have felt lost.
I am positive that I will never be quite the same, nor will I ever be able to celebrate New Years Day the same. He was too young to die, however, cancer is not specific to any age group.
When you hear the words that the illness is cancer; the heart sinks, the mind stops thinking, and grief begins. When it really hit me the worse was when the doctor said it had metastasized to the brain. I knew it could not be fixed, and he knew it could not be fixed.
The word in itself is painful, leaves one without hope, and you doubt what you have been taught to believe your whole life.
For instance: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Is A Mother's Grief Deeper Than A Fathers
I can only answer this as an opinion because I only know a mother's grief. However, being a mother and losing a child is as if you have lost part of you. The child grew from the embryo to nine months within the womb, and there was a connection that a father cannot have.
This does mean that a father does not mourn, they do as any parent does. However, as in most situations in life, men have a mental mechanism that allows them to sustain themselves and cope in a different way.
Real Life Brings With It Real Issues
When I write about real life issues, I always try to motivate others to accept the difficult and learn from it, as well as the good. That is how it is supposed to work, right? Yes, no one's life is without setbacks, turmoil, confusion, disappointment, lost love, or death. Life is ever moving about us and we can be generally happy one minute, but distraught the next.
So, how does one survive the terrible losses of life? These can include but not limited to: loss of a love relationship, a job, a friend, loss of financial means, physical harm that damages one's body, or a death?
Surviving any loss can be said as having a lot to do with the individual's emotional health when the loss occurs. If a loss is foreseen by a person before it happens, the blow may not be as significant damaging as if the loss is sudden.
It can also depend upon the state of life or mind, or soul of the individual who is being grieved.
The last sentence I know is very true, regarding death, and here is how I know this for sure.
Age Does Not Matter -
Learning From Someone Else's Grief
Some friends at church lost an 18-year-old daughter about one year ago in a sudden horrible car accident. The initial blow of this was probably the deepest sorrow from someone else, I have ever experienced in my life. It was horrible, it was such suffering, they were distraught, and it has lasted until the one year anniversary just this month.
I have had conversations with the mother since my son's death, and I can definitely say that I understand how she feels. It was so sudden, without warning, and when she left home that evening, she never saw her daughter again.
There was no preparation time; although I do not think that you are ever prepared to lose a child. It was like drifting into an ocean of deep waters without being able to come up for air. Not her description, but mine.
It took the mind to an entirely different universe, the heart was split into, the anger was plentiful. There was no reason other than someone was driving a vehicle that went out of control. The other three people survived. Why, and for what reason was the daughter not saved?
These are all legitimate questions, and no one can answer to the full extent because we are mortal humans, and we do not see what God sees. Why did God allow this, I am sure was within the questions, why?
What God Does Not Do
What God Does Not Do
We know that God did not do this, He does not kill anyone. Jesus died on the cross to save people, not kill them and this scripture says it plainly - Luke 9:56
" For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them."
There are some things we may never understand, what we must trust in, is that for everything and everyone there is a season and only He who made us knows and understands our season. They can be described as being in more control, but the grief is still existent. She was beautiful, and she was loved.
We Simply Do Not Understand Death Fully
Many questions became prominent after my son's death. I can hardly write the last three words to this day. Why? It is like a dream that has not ended, and my mind does not want to think of the finality.
I had lost my parents, my father to cancer when he was only 66 years old, my mother to Leukemia/cancer at 90 years old. I wrote about the latter here on HubPages.
It was totally different for me than losing my son. We expect death sooner for those who are aged, we know there comes a time it will come to all of us, but we think later rather than sooner.
My understanding of death was not clear. I began to think about how all of a sudden, he was here, breathing, and then suddenly, no more breath. The body grew cold, their spirit was gone, then I began to think about the aftermath of the soul.
What I Have Learned About Life And Grief's Many Faces
Last year was a very troublesome year in more ways that one for our family. I will always remember the year 2018. Our extended family is small therefore if anyone becomes ill, we are all involved in some way. Not going into detail but several family members were ill and then I had health issues, and then our son.
What I have learned is you can never count your blessing too often. Life is precious, and should never be taken for granted. You are not promised of tomorrow or even the next hour. That is not meant as something to be negative or to dwell on, however, we often forget that we are human, and live as if we are to live forever.
Grief does not have a specific ending date. When you grieve it hurts, it may even hurt someone else, as grief often brings on depression to a soul, and they change.
Five Stages Of Grief
They say there are actually five stages of grief. The denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance.
I personally think grieving is different for everyone. I have isolated myself and do not have desires to go anywhere much. If I am angry, I do not realize it. However, there are times I cannot concentrate on anything that takes a lot of it.
I have made no bargains with God or anything; because I knew many things that were transpiring within his life that could possibly go the wrong way.
I can answer yes to depression, but I am finding my way by picking up my writing in several places to include my two websites. Writing helps you express some things that are inside, that you might not remember to say when speaking with someone else.
I do not know if there is such a thing as acceptance when it is a child. Just being as honest as I can.
I wish somethings within our relationship had been different. However, he was a grown man, and I really could not make any expectations of him. He took chances that caused his death with that of smoking. That I hate and wish I could have done more to stop that. He knew better.
My Love Grows More Each Day
The flowers have all died, and withered away, except for those I dried and framed.
There are days now that I can truthfully say that I am more at peace, however, I cannot let my mind focus on the finality of his death. I grieve alone most of the time, I do not discuss it with anyone.
The time of tears are fewer and further between, but I find myself still say: "Lord, bless my child." No, he was not a baby, far from it, but we were his only family, and he had been with us for much of his life. All the memories go back to his childhood, his happy times, and his sad times.
When something went wrong; "I told him to remember that it could always be worse."
I love him more each day and he will always be that part of me that other people loved and thought so much of. He was so kind and gentle to others. I know I did something right...by teaching him to respect those around him.