When Mila died, I had a hard time relating to most people’s stories. If my words can help even one person find peace I would be so thankful.
I can honestly say that deciding to have another child after losing my daughter was not something I thought I could do. Before Mila passed, I had made the appointment to have my birth control removed. I was so ready to give her a baby brother or sister, and she was ready too. I had put it off so many times since she was born, because I wasn’t ready for her to have to share me yet. Each date we planned for would pass and I would back out, I see now that God had a reason for that.
I remember googling “trying to conceive after child loss”, I worded it every way I could think of to get a little reassurance. Nothing I found resonated with my situation though. It was frustrating, I wasn’t anxious about the actual pregnancy part and it seemed like all of the articles were about getting pregnant after a miscarriage or sids. While that is helpful to many women, it just wasn’t a fit for me.
See, Mila Rose was three years old. She had the biggest personality, friends, she had favorite movies/outfits/foods. We had three years worth of memories and a life together that I never in a million years expected to come to an end while I was still living.
She didn’t have a sickness that slowly took her from me, we didn’t have a warning at all. So everything I found to read was basically useless. I, myself am very private in my grieving, so I was kind of on my own to decide without any online information to go off of.
I chose to stay on birth control a bit longer while I grieved and gave myself some time. It wasn’t long though, before I started to feel like my my role as a mom here on earth was over. Decorating a grave plot was really the most I was able to do for my child. And while I focused a lot of energy on that, and renovating our home to keep myself busy - I really missed being a mom.
My husband was on board the whole time and I finally gave in and agreed we could start trying for baby #2. To our surprise, it took exactly one month to the day we decided to try to find out we were expecting. Even though it was our plan, I wasn’t prepared for it to happen so quickly for us.
Pregnancy hormones and grief are one tricky combo, and I won’t lie and say that it was easy. I had my doubts, about myself as a mother and about who this baby was going to be. There were days when I was convinced that if I had a boy I would be depressed because then I had to give up everything Mila loved for boy things. And other days I just knew that if it was a girl I would compare everything she did to my first very perfect daughter.
It definitely didn’t help that I had morning sickness all day for the first four months. I could hardly function, and managed to set my self up to hit all of the “firsts” with Mila gone while hormonal and pregnant. I struggled, and struggled some more. I don’t think I would’ve made it through those first few months without my amazing support system.
Just as the sickness started to ease up, we found out that we would be having a son, Grayson James Robert Gobin. I knew nothing about little boys, but I couldn’t wait for him to get here. My days of princess dresses and trolls hair chalk have been put on hold for now. And maybe one day I will be blessed with another daughter, but for now the boy mom life is treating me pretty good.
I felt like I was pregnant for 20 years. Then all of a sudden he was here, and so perfect. I gave birth to a healthy, handsome little guy and I wouldn’t change a single thing about him. Since his arrival, I have felt like myself again, like a mom again in the least.
I will be changed forever by losing Mila, and Gray may never experience me as the Mom I was to her. Mostly because I am so extra with him, like helicopter mom all the way. Our pediatrician has a little too much of us in her life, but we are making it work. Because Mila lived I will never forget to make every single day special for this little boy, our rainbow after the storm.