Gaining our Rainbow - LetterPile - Writing and Literature
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Gaining our Rainbow

When Mila died, I had a hard time relating to most people’s stories. If my words can help even one person find peace I would be so thankful.

We had our gender reveal at Mila’s grave site. Her stone hadn’t been set yet, just the concrete slab had been poured. If she was still here she would’ve been a big part of the day, and we wanted that to be true regardless.

We had our gender reveal at Mila’s grave site. Her stone hadn’t been set yet, just the concrete slab had been poured. If she was still here she would’ve been a big part of the day, and we wanted that to be true regardless.

Our photographer, Lauren Todd of LB photography, captured this beautiful   photo in the room after our son was born.

Our photographer, Lauren Todd of LB photography, captured this beautiful photo in the room after our son was born.

our-rainbow-gray

I can honestly say that deciding to have another child after losing my daughter was not something I thought I could do. Before Mila passed, I had made the appointment to have my birth control removed. I was so ready to give her a baby brother or sister, and she was ready too. I had put it off so many times since she was born, because I wasn’t ready for her to have to share me yet. Each date we planned for would pass and I would back out, I see now that God had a reason for that.

I remember googling “trying to conceive after child loss”, I worded it every way I could think of to get a little reassurance. Nothing I found resonated with my situation though. It was frustrating, I wasn’t anxious about the actual pregnancy part and it seemed like all of the articles were about getting pregnant after a miscarriage or sids. While that is helpful to many women, it just wasn’t a fit for me.

See, Mila Rose was three years old. She had the biggest personality, friends, she had favorite movies/outfits/foods. We had three years worth of memories and a life together that I never in a million years expected to come to an end while I was still living.

She didn’t have a sickness that slowly took her from me, we didn’t have a warning at all. So everything I found to read was basically useless. I, myself am very private in my grieving, so I was kind of on my own to decide without any online information to go off of.

I chose to stay on birth control a bit longer while I grieved and gave myself some time. It wasn’t long though, before I started to feel like my my role as a mom here on earth was over. Decorating a grave plot was really the most I was able to do for my child. And while I focused a lot of energy on that, and renovating our home to keep myself busy - I really missed being a mom.

My husband was on board the whole time and I finally gave in and agreed we could start trying for baby #2. To our surprise, it took exactly one month to the day we decided to try to find out we were expecting. Even though it was our plan, I wasn’t prepared for it to happen so quickly for us.

Pregnancy hormones and grief are one tricky combo, and I won’t lie and say that it was easy. I had my doubts, about myself as a mother and about who this baby was going to be. There were days when I was convinced that if I had a boy I would be depressed because then I had to give up everything Mila loved for boy things. And other days I just knew that if it was a girl I would compare everything she did to my first very perfect daughter.

It definitely didn’t help that I had morning sickness all day for the first four months. I could hardly function, and managed to set my self up to hit all of the “firsts” with Mila gone while hormonal and pregnant. I struggled, and struggled some more. I don’t think I would’ve made it through those first few months without my amazing support system.

Just as the sickness started to ease up, we found out that we would be having a son, Grayson James Robert Gobin. I knew nothing about little boys, but I couldn’t wait for him to get here. My days of princess dresses and trolls hair chalk have been put on hold for now. And maybe one day I will be blessed with another daughter, but for now the boy mom life is treating me pretty good.

I felt like I was pregnant for 20 years. Then all of a sudden he was here, and so perfect. I gave birth to a healthy, handsome little guy and I wouldn’t change a single thing about him. Since his arrival, I have felt like myself again, like a mom again in the least.

I will be changed forever by losing Mila, and Gray may never experience me as the Mom I was to her. Mostly because I am so extra with him, like helicopter mom all the way. Our pediatrician has a little too much of us in her life, but we are making it work. Because Mila lived I will never forget to make every single day special for this little boy, our rainbow after the storm.

Comments

Di on January 06, 2019:

Im so proud of you my brave, courageous, strong , beautiful and full of grace girl. I will never forget our sweet Mila. I love you and Eric so much.

Nancy Nicholas on January 02, 2019:

Tayler, are amazing.

Kristen from Niagara KY on January 01, 2019:

I can't begin to count the ways that you are so incredibly strong. I have followed your story since losing your little girl and while my heart breaks for you and the loss you felt, my heart is even more over joyed for you as a boy mom. I have 2 sons and i am a helicopter mom and they are 14 and 9. Your AMAZING. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.