What your baby can teach you if you have an open heart, open mind and open eyes.
My daughter, from day one has been a little wild... fragile in some ways and fierce in others. She is absolute magic. She has eyes that can truly see, and a heart that can truly feel. She is intuitive beyond her year and is so determined. She gave me a reason to live, she showed me my path, she made me feel again. She teaches me all of the time.
Since the day she was born she changed every single aspect of my life. In the years before her I had become fairly detached from reality. Well, this year brought me back to reality in the most raw, beautiful, painful way. I gave birth to my daughter with no pain meds, no interventions. Just me, my tribe, my body and ancient feminine wisdom.
I expected to have an instant connection to her, but instead it was like we were strangers, and as much as I would fight the most fierce beast to protect her, I was also afraid of her. I was afraid when she cried, afraid to hurt her, afraid that I wasn’t good enough to be her mom... I was only confident in that fact that I love her.
For weeks I could barely walk. For months I forgot who I was completely. For almost a year I battled post partum depression. Sometimes I would feel like I was figuring it out and others I would just cry and feel helpless. As the months went by she grew and so did I, we were like two flowers side by side. We cry, we laugh, we sleep, we learn. Together. Some may say we are too attached, but there’s something inside of me, it’s in my belly, my hands, my chest, it tells me all I need to know. We weren’t meant to be apart.
Partying, adventuring, a love life... none of that matters to me right now. I know that as we continue to grow together we will make the most beautiful love story ever told, everyday will be a party and an adventure in its own way. As I fall more in love with her, I fall more in love with myself. I uncover pieces of myself one after the other. Sometimes i have to peel the piece off and it fucking hurts and it takes me time to recover, and sometimes it’s like picking off a rose petal, and I smile and say ah, finally, I understand. This lets me know something for sure.
That she was always meant to be a part of my journey.
That’s why other things that I wanted so bad, and things that other people wanted so badly for me, just never worked out.
Being in love with her has revealed my passion for healing. It has made me love harder than I ever thought I could. I love my body because I am proud of it, she has given me a baby and provides food for my baby to eat. She can warm my baby up, she is squishy enough for my baby to feel comfortable.
Through my daughter, I found my tribe, my village, the people who always have been and always will be with her and I. She showed me who was never there for me also. I understand so much now. Because of her.
She is why I fell in love with a guy who could never love me in return and why my path kept bringing me back to him.
For the past year I had been trying to make something work with my babies Dad. Loving her made me love him more than I had ever loved any man, I just wanted to heal him and love him and feed him and give him all of this maternal/feminine/goddess goodness. Luckily, he couldn’t see it.
Luckily he didn’t want it.
I say luckily because I have finally realized that I do not want to be a moon in some man’s orbit again. Running circles around him trying to show him how lovely he is or how lovely I am. I was not meant to revolve around a planet of fire and fear and angst. I am my own planet of flowers, water, tears and laughter. I am realizing I wouldn’t have it any other way. When a guy is in my life, I become his. I lose my way and I forget my path. Loving my daughter does something entirely different.
It brings me to my path, it drives me towards my goals.
Loving her teaches me what I want in life. I want us to live somewhere where we can pick fruit and shop small.
I want to be best friends with her always.
I want to teach her how to let silence teach her.
I want her to always be her own planet too.
Not melting away because men or teachers or friends are pulling her away from her self or from her intuition. I want her to stand up and say “no, fuck that” I want her to look at herself in the mirror and smile. Not just because she likes what she sees but because she likes who she is.
She looks in her eyes and sees the universe.
She looks at her hands and sees magic.
Loving her has taught me things I don’t know if I would have ever figured out otherwise.
What I want for her, for me.
And it’s only been a year. It’s amazing what true love can do.
It’s breath-taking, to see what a baby can teach you if only you are open enough to learn.