Why Do We Push People Away? Learn From My Mistakes
Why do we push people away when it is an inherent desire to be wanted and loved? Some of us don’t even realize we are doing it until we look back on the parade of individuals—some good, some bad, walking through our past. It is a shockingly hurtful sight to some and they continue to add characters to their line but for me, on this day, it is a lesson I need to learn fast.
Is This Also You?
- Unnecessarily warning those ahead of time. I have always tried to be the honest type—I'm the kind of person who believes in giving a proper heads-up, just in case something unusual may happen. Unfortunately, this has often turned into a disaster of dramatic and semi-hysterical proportions that ends up driving love away from me. I forget to consider that I may be the only one who cares in certain situations and the "warning" may be viewed as just unnecessary and confusing baggage.
- Thinking you are less than deserving. I often have already decided that I am not worthy, and less than deserving of love. I deserve desertion, I tell myself. In trying to be nice and offering an explanation for my behavior, whether it was asked for or not, I set disappointment in motion because no one can measure up to my high expectations, so I don't voice my needs or expectations. So, naturally, when these un-voiced expectations aren't met, I'm hurt, angry, and beat myself up for getting into a rotten relationship or for trusting at all to begin with.
These are recipes for disaster. Don't beat yourself up or think that you're undeserving or too caring/nice. You deserve to be loved. Stop pushing people away! Read on for some of my own personal tips to help you achieve this with hopefully minimal anxiety and trauma.
Stop Pushing People Away: Tips to Avoid This Fate
1. Learn to Love Yourself
Seriously. Learn to love yourself. Make a list of the things other people do that annoy you. Add the things they do that you love. Now, stop and think about the things you do that others love and hate. Once you figure those things out, try to work on the behaviors that you could improve. Do this for yourself, first and foremost. Also, keep embracing the traits that you and others do love. Accept and believe them. Look in the mirror every morning and repeat the things about yourself that you and others love.
Avoid self-loathing at all costs. When someone says they like, love, respect, and enjoy you, accept it. Believe it. If you act like you don't deserve praise and love, then others will act this way and treat you like it. No one wants to invest time in a self-loather. You deserve love and good people deserve to be in your glorious presence! Let them in and believe the compliments they give you.
2. Don't Overthink
Don't overthink or overanalyze your situation—this will only create unnecessary anxiety and fear.
There are times when I want to hide away because I am lost in my own thoughts, over-analyzing my relationships. I often wonder why I was cursed with a mind that always thinks about "what ifs," goes overboard assuming others will reject me. In the meantime, all this unnecessary thinking only causes one to miss out on those with a real capacity for love.
I'm sure that I am not the only one that feels this way and writing this out does help clear it from my thoughts. My advice is to try to just "be" without worrying about how others perceive you, or how you may be affecting them. There is a good reason why I typically keep people at arm’s length and hide behind self-deprecating humor and sarcasm, but this isn't healthy and will only yield more isolation.
3. Think Positively
Stop waiting for people to disappoint you. Accept that some people will hurt you, but also, why not look at this way instead: many will not. That is life, but if you let fear keep you from trying to see the good in people then you will miss out on some real gems. Thinking negatively is only a waste of time. If something bad does happen, what good did all the negative thinking that lead to it really do? It'll hurt regardless. On a positive note, however, many situations don't turn out badly and that only makes all that negative brain-dialogue even more of a waste.
Stop the negative brain-dialogue about how nothing good will happen and how all people are the same. If you tell yourself that only losers will like you then it is the losers that will come your way. They can hear your negative thoughts and will descend upon you like thirsty vampires. Being with a negative soul-sucker is no fun. Positive, loving people worthy of trust are only attracted to other positive, loving people worthy of being trusted.
4. Live in the Present, Don't Regret
Live in the present and don't be too cautious. Stay true to yourself and give love, all fears aside.
I myself feel entirely too deeply and care too much about others too fast. So, in the end, I always feel as though what I give is never equal to what I receive. It's something that I view as a failing. But, why should I? I shouldn’t, and neither should you, if you gave what you wanted to give. In the end, someone will come along and he or she will appreciate you for exactly who you are. Look around and see others engaging in simple human interactions. By observing healthy relationships, you will see that it is possible to connect without worrying about small things or whether your personality is just too intense to handle. You and I both deserve happiness and can achieve it by being ourselves.
5. Believe That You Are Worth It
This last one will be short and sweet: act attractive and you will attract positive people. You are worthy of love and you have to believe this first before anyone else does. Once you do start believing it, though, others will follow.
So, smile, damn you. Smile!
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on June 17, 2016:
Since Hubpages uber-edited my original work I am rarely on here so I apologize if I haven't been responding. I see 2 new responses and I can answer both right here: Get right with yourselves first and worry about relationships second. I know it sounds hard and it's easier just to mope about giving off the negative vibe BUT, good things come to those that put in the hard work and in the end you are the winner because, GASP...you actually love yourself. I may be old and just don't have time for nonsense but I do not understand why people accept less than they deserve and constantly beat themselves up over the silliest things. Go to support groups (they are FREE), utilize community health centers that offer low cost therapy, get a pet, join a gym, walk.....the list goes on and on just DO something for yourself. Something that makes YOU feel good about YOU and then once your sense of self is improved you will attract like minded people. Good enough isn't the road to happy....expect more for yourself.
sarahelias on February 14, 2016:
Hi can u give me some advise...there's one guy who love me..who always there for me..but i pushed him away because i thought i wasnt good enought for him and im too blind too see by my own insecurities..and now he bored with me and already find other girl ..
Maggie on September 22, 2015:
I honestly didn't think i'd find anyone with similar experiences. My insecurtities push people away because i over analyse everything and can't control it due to my obssessive nature and end up asking them and that's he worst I know.
My boyfriend loves me, of that I'm as sure as I can be right now, which is saying a lot. He doens't smother me and suorts me and believes I'm more than this black hole of sadness and loathing I've become. I'm just having a hard time seeing it I guess.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on July 21, 2015:
I humbly apologize for not getting back on here to reply in a more timely manner! Life=It Happens and all.
Wow, being given time to "fix" yourself is a tall order isn't it? Does it feel like people in your life expect this to get done overnight? Or, at the very least, in a few months time? Do you talk to a therapist, friend, priest or your wife about what scares you so much that you feel the need to live with and perpetuate a cycle of lies? If not, find one of the above (start with your wife) and spill the beans. The first step to loving yourself is to accept you are flawed, everyone is, and to admit your fears.
Start with any one of these questions: Do I fear being alone? Do I fear rejection? Do I fear admitting I make mistakes? Do I fear my wife will leave me anyway so why not hasten the demise by not changing at all?
You don't say whether or not your wife is fully supportive or just saying the wifely things like, "I'll give you time honey but am not too confident that you will change." I just sensed that from your word choice and it may not be accurate but follow where I am going here. Does she participate in your plan to better yourself or does she just stand on the sidelines waiting for you to hurry the hell up? Being married is a partnership and not a waiting game.
Oh, and another thing: You aren't the "sole reason" for being in this emotional mess now. The sum total of ALL of your life experiences, pre-wife days included, helped build that monster so the sooner you can set aside the self-abuse and blame the sooner you can move forward. Shit happens, life can suck, we make mistakes but then...we learn to do BETTER.
Goal #1: I will stop lying today. When you feel a lie floating from your brain to your lips kick yourself, literally! STOP IT! If that is something your wife counts as a deal breaker then cut it out. If you can't catch yourself in time before the whopper has been spoken then immediately swallow your pride and admit you lied. A red-faced honest man is much better than a shameless liar.
Start there, if you haven't already and build on it. Your wife will either appreciate the effort or not...you have no control over that, it is up to her and her level of commitment. In the long run, marriage saved or not, you owe it to yourself to try because your daughter deserves a good example of perseverance and strength of character. You can do this!
Kyle94498 on March 02, 2015:
Thank you Elleasku for posting this. I know countless people throughout the years have thanked you as well.
My wife and I had another fight about how I have been acting. I wish I found this a lot sooner. I don't really know how to go about fixing it. I know the first thing I have to change is Loving Myself. But the main thing I do that drives her away is little lies throughout the years. It's at the point she doesn't trust me and she feels I don't trust her or feel I can be straight forward with stuff. She wants to wait and give me time to fix myself, but she is afraid we can't be fixed. So I feel I have plunged deeper into self loathing now.
We have a 3.5 month old beautiful daughter. I really don't want her to be a product of a broken marriage. I truly want to fix me. Again, I know "Loving Myself" is the first and most important step. But I feel like I'll never forgive myself for being the sole reason that I am in this predicament. Not to mention this month is the 5 year anniversary of us being together.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 21, 2015:
Hubpages took it upon themselves to "edit" this hub from its original awesome version so I apologize for the cheesy photos and sanitizing of my point of view. Please continue leaving comments and asking questions because this is where the real magic happens! OR: Come find me at diamondsindasky
pris26 on October 02, 2014:
First thank you for your support and great stories guys. I too feel this huge weight off my shoulders knowing there is more that relate.
My story starts since I can remember dating I have always been as some have said a cold hearted. But it has to do with myself growing up. I have 6 brothers I am the only girl we really lived with a single mom my dad was always missing somewhere. I didn't have much love growing up and so now that I have experience something like that it's very hard for me to take in. I am now with this guy whom I have a child with but how I got to this point is a blessing because I am honestly one hard person to love. I believe it's since my mother passed this year I felt I needed to Have a secure future for my son so I made myself not be afraid to try and be with my baby's dad. Now we have almost the year and I feel like one of these days he's going to give up hope in me and leave me. I push him away most of the time. He comes home from work and I act so cold with him sometimes when all I wanted all day was to see him. But I can't seem to show that to him instead I say things like go away or I'm going to sleep. And then he leaves and I am hating myself for it.
I just don't know what else I can do I mean i moved cities away for him and to have this family. I am now looking for a job close his house so I can continue working. But I just fail at being a loving fiance.
Freda on June 04, 2014:
I have only read a selection of the comments here, there are so many.. but my keyboard is covered in tears.
I have just pushed away the girlfriend I've been closest to probably in my adult life - we had a small relatively insignificant falling out - she let me down - and I've just completely shut her off - and we work for the same company so I've withdrawn completely from work social events, cutting everyone else off too. I have spent every week night for two weeks home alone, when normally I would be out doing things, and I've catalogued all the failed friendships and relationships in my life - one after the other after the other - getting close, pushing away the second it gets remotely hard. Men and women.
I suffer from so many of the things people have mentioned. When I like someone, as a friend or if I fancy a man, I become way too intense. I become so afraid of losing them that I need constant reassurance that it won't happen - which of course it does, when they can't cope. I am aware I am sabotaging myself but I continue to behave that way. I build opportunities into every interaction for them to reject me, and as soon as they start to show signs I shut them out completely. People have put up with a lot of misery from me. I expect them to fill all my emotional needs or just at least understand how I'm feeling.
I desperately desperately want to be loved, and I know I am a smart, kind, funny, interesting person. But I sit here with not a true friend in the world, 37 years old with no friends, no relationship, no family, a terrible job, no money and floods of tears every night, and often during the day at the moment.
As someone else above said, I haven't been anyone's 'best' anything for a long time. I'm so afraid I never will be.
I have spent all week telling myself I don't need anyone, but I really really really do. I'm so unhappy. I wish I could fix everything. I wish I could ask all those friends to read this and come back into my life.
I completely understand the theory of needing to love yourself, stopping the negative self-talk ("ugh I HATE myself" "I'm such a loser" - these are things I actually say out loud to myself every day) but I genuinely do not know HOW. I've spent years going to therapists and I can't do it anymore - clearly none have helped one iota.
I just want a hug. I want someone to hold me until it's all better. And I want my lovely friends back.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on May 14, 2014:
Thank you. ALL pushers are good people hiding behind a wall of fear and pain. Their actions are motivated by past events that were never processed, addressed or settled and have nothing to do with the one baring the current brunt of their fear response. The fact that you recognize this and are patient with your wife shows that when the stronger half of the relationship steps up and shares their strength with the half that is struggling then healing can happen. Granted, it happens slowly but it is still possible. Hang in there, keep being supportive and DO investigate outside therapeutic options as well if you can. Sometimes taking part in couples therapy takes the pressure off of the "pusher" because they see it as a cooperative effort rather than someone telling them "YOU need help not ME." Individuals in relationships take on the issues of the "unit" and it's easier to sort them out if it's a team process rather than one or the other feeling alone in the matter. Good luck and wishes for healing coming your way.
Jeff on April 17, 2014:
I have read the article and all the comments, great stuff! My wife is the pusher and I can see that she is a wonderful loving person behind the wall but is just scared. I am loving and patient with her and she is slowly coming around. I do feel like love can heal both people in a relationship if both people are ready to change.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on April 14, 2014:
How do you avoid getting attached too fast and leaning into a negative situation all the way without listening to your intuition and noticing the "red flags" you say? Wait! You only said a small portion of that, I read into the rest...because that's what I do. I read between the lines like a pro!
Robert, this chick knew she could yank your chain of desperation because you opened the door wide open for her to do so. Sorry to be blunt but whenever someone puts off a date for 6+ hours either they want to see how far and how high you'll jump when they say jump OR it will take them that long to get the other dude out of their apartment. She wasn't looking for a considerate man she was looking for a wounded man that she could jab further.
Live and learn, don't use the poor example this woman showed you as a reason to continue pushing people away because honestly, you aren't "pushing" the good ones away you are drawing the bad ones to you like a moth to a flame. Negative attracts negative and positive attracts positive. Ask yourself this: If I were in a better place emotionally and mentally would I have even given this woman the time of day? The odds are pretty slim. So, do not feel sorry for yourself because there was no future to be had with this person. What you SHOULD do is work on building yourself up, throwing out all the old negative beliefs you hold about yourself and love and start by telling people what you will and will not tolerate anymore. Do not buy gifts for women you don't know very well, take that money and use it toward self empowerment and improvement...yes, therapy, support groups, social groups, whatever helps you feel more connected to you and your own inner power. The more connected you feel to YOU the less likely you will attract users. Chin up mister!!!
Robert Cuillo from Kings Park, New York on April 05, 2014:
I cant stop feeling sorry for myself thinking coulda shoulda woulda.
Robert Cuillo from Kings Park, New York on April 04, 2014:
Hi I am so insecure that I feel that I end up pushing people away whether its new friends or most recently a beautiful Albanian girl I met online who seemed to string me along for a couple of months and ended up showing me she has a heart of ice... .SHe strung me along and strung me along and once she had me she rejected me. We dated 5-6 times and never had sex just passionate make out sessions that were the best I ever had and Im 39 years old but made me feel like a kid again. SHe is 35 and she told me she loved kissing me too and spending time with me and I can tell she was interested. She would be HOT after our dates calling and texting me but within a few days when she had my attention she would go cold leaving me hurt and confused. Its like she just didnt know what she really wanted or she was hiding something from me and she would not let me get intimate with her. SHe kept me at arms length but I stayed patient which ended with me getting kicked stomach.
She started off by telling me shes looking to meet a considerate man to make a family with and that didnt scare me. One of the things I am is Im too considerate and I noticed from the start she was not. I saw red flags but wanted the fantasy to come true that I tried too hard to win her over. I think I ended up pushing her away but i should have been the one to walk away. I would show her I'm a thoughtful guy but she didnt respond the way you would think. If I didnt call her for a day then she would call me. SO when she would show interest I thought Ok well I can show interest as well but thats when she would pull away again and she would stop flirting. I had a birthday date planned for her and I could tell from the start she wasn't even appreciative that I was thinking of her in fact I got the sense she was getting annoyed. I should have trusted my gut but I wanted her so bad that I ignored my intuition and made a date the day after her bday and keep in mind shes the one who picked the day and the time so I commenced planning a memorable date. I got her flowers and a gift and I was about to make the hr drive and she texted me to say she cant be ready on time. SHe postponed it for 3 hrs. I should have "manned up" and cancelled our date and said "forget it you obviously don't want this from me". But I was pathetic and asked her how much time she needs she said she needs to clean her apt so give me 3 more hrs. again I had the sense she wasnt appreciating the gesture or the thought. I was so baffled by this because why wouldn't this women cherish a thoughtful and handsome man who actually remembered her Birthday and who wanted to make her happy? Anyway 3 hrs later I was about to leave with flowers in hand and a gift and she told me she is too tired and not to come. I was devastated and I sent her long winded heart felt texts that probably made me look like a poor clingy sap. The point is I saw red flags from the start and my friends and family told me to walk away but I wanted this fantasy to be true. I wanted my dry spell to be over so I listened to her words and ignored her actions. Now I'm miserable wishing she would have offered at least an explanation or an apology. SHe offered none of that. She turned out to be very inconsiderate and cold in the end and I am heart broken. How do I avoid getting attached too fast and giving my heart to someone before they earn my love? I think I will always push people away if I give my heart so fast
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 21, 2014:
It's a day by day process. It's been almost 5 years since I wrote this and, as the spokesperson for my own product, I will say I've kicked this dragon's ass adn so can you! Keep your eyes open, your mind clear and your heart receptive.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 21, 2014:
If you feel you are the subject of this writing topic then obviously you feel something is OFF in your life right? Don't change for other people, IMPROVE and GROW for yourself. When you put YOU first the people that had issues with how you behaved before won't be around correct? Better, more positive people will gravitate towards you. Rude people avoid positive people like the plague so if you work on loving yourself and never accept less than you deserve it won't be an issue.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 21, 2014:
Brenda, you have had several big changes in your life it seems and could that not be taking a negative toll on your way of perceiving the world around you? Think about it...we get kinda "serious" once the big 40 hits...then it's 45...and then it's a reminder we are that much closer to DEATH. Of course that isn't the truth but we feel that our life is coming to an end and anything we haven't accomplished yet get's lumped into the Grouch Pot of new complaints and growing disatisfaction we feel with life in general and the people around us.
My advice? Live for yourself. Learn to love yourself again and cut yourself some damn slack! Everyone has a slump from time to time but if you feel it's more than that then certainly consult a therapist or find a support group where you can voice these feelings. Get it out! Take a look at the root causes and then paint a new, more positive path for yourself. We are both at an age when, dammit, it's our freakin' party and we should enjoy it! Go!
Share on January 08, 2014:
This is so eye opening I am grateful I hope and pray I over come this battle
Lina on September 25, 2013:
that was an amazing article ,, i didn't know that people like me exist,, but i still don't know what is the mistake that iam doing and what is it that i need to change to make people wonna be with me bcuz no matter how fun we have they suddenly get bad with me n leave me cuz of nothing n i surrender with their mistakes very fast .. i can't tolerate anyone being rude with me!
Brenda on September 03, 2013:
I am 47 yrs old, I have always been an out going person, I loved people around me and a fun person. Now since the last 10 yrs or less, I have become this person. I have gotten so opinionated person, I give advice when one ask of it or not. I seem more like a judge r and do not mean to be. I am a very open heart person, tender heart ed, spiritual believer (I'm Native American), I have special gifts of the heart. I use to have many friend, now I have maybe 3 or 4 counting my best friend my daughter. Now she is living the nest to be married. I am started to even more of a change as well. I have been really beating myself up that I need to make friends to go out and enjoy myself. I give myself excuses, that I need to save money, think others before myself, not letting people just live there lives and keep my mouth shut. I use to have parties, picnic gathers, and ladies days out. I have made myself into a self centered, opinionated person, your not good enough for me, I don't want part of you unless you want my opinion if you want it or not. It's like I am a controller freak! I hate it. I have been married to the same man for 27 years and I love him to death and he is my best friend. But at times I notice that I do it to him. He is a trooper, but I know he doesn't like it even more than I do. I use to be my own self esteem, read positive book, I felt important (but not were it was driving people away. I was the laughter of the party, I feel like I am taking life to serious and forgot how to have fun!!! Also, where I live, I've been there all my life. I hate it. We had lived away for 3 yrs and it was like starting all over and it was so refreshing. But when we moved back it was like here I go again. We are in the process of relocating for a job and I praying it happens. Because, living here is not making me feel happy! HELP!!! WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!!!!
Betty on September 02, 2013:
Wow! This is so apropos for me right now. I too feel so deeply and care so intensely about others and too quickly sometimes that it seems to scare them. It only happens with some people and I guess that I am instinctively finding the ones that are messed up. That certainly is the case with the most recent situation. I am reeling now from the rejection of someone I really wanted as a friend but now I see they are pretty messed up and probably would not have been someone I wanted to be entangled with. Yet, I still care though they've hurt me badly. Unfortunately, I have to see them regularly in the course of my weekly activities. I'm going to move on but they are messed up enough that I have to wonder if they will stop at their attempts to hurt me or continue. Not physically I should add, mentally though and in some ways that's worse because there is no real recourse.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on June 25, 2013:
Thank you for sharing...never apologize for sharing...ever...even if it thins the friendship hurd. Remember, some people are okay with being real and others barely survive clinging to a superficial surface. The aquaintance that pulled away sounds like she has issues with hearing hard truths and this may be due to the fact that she hasn't accepted her own "truths" yet. You opened up and she ran, that's okay. It won't kill you, the earth won't open up and swallow you but stop and think a second: she may have pulled away because of her own issues and NOT yours. This is usually 99.9% the reason. People who have issues of their own to unload but can't get emotionally constipated and they don't make very supportive friends. It's all part of being afraid to be REAL and has nothing to do with what you shared with her so remove that burden from your shoulders right now. In time she may come back around but odds are she realizes that you are at a level of self-acceptance that she isn't at yet and it makes her feel bad. You didn't push her away, she chose to distance herself. Your real friend is correct in that you have nothing to worry about and are most certainly not a bad person. Bad people don't reach out and tell the truth in an effort to connect on a HEALTHY level with others. That is brave not bad. Cut your losses with your past and move forward with confidence knowing that you are on your way to being whole and happy. I am taking the journey with you just as your friend is, we are all in this together and never forget that. Chin up!!!
Monica on June 19, 2013:
I have to say that you typed out my life. I am extremely stressed right now as we are facing a big move across a few provinces. I had a conversation with my mom that ended up rehashing some old events that haven't surfaced in 30 years. After fighting with my 9 year old that morning, with these thoughts eating me alive and encountering a moment of darkness, a recent friend had come shopping with me and I blabbed EVERYTHING... The tension was suddenly so thick you could cut it. Needless to say she stopped calling me, and has no interest in our usual coffee time at her place. After school we would go over and let her boys and my boys all play. I had it in mind, however, that perhaps the boys needed a break from each other anyways. It was so much so soon. I also think to myself, that we shared a lot of personal information. She would tell me of things she did in her past and about the dysfunction in her family, and I would tell of mine. I never judged her, I never thought anything of it. It wasn't always negative either, we had lots of motherly, nonchalant type things that we talked about too. With all of this being said, I poured my heart out about my insecurities to another recent friend. She looked at me and said "Is that all?? My dear, you have nothing to worry about, you are NOT a bad person and you need to stop beating yourself up about it. What you experienced is more common than you think... I experienced the same thing myself, and if people are going to judge you then they are not your friends." Anyways, I feel that the later friend is even more unique than me in this "beige" world, and I'm thinking that that is why she understood me so well. She doesn't care what ANYONE thinks. She has a great husband and family. She believes that no matter what anyone says, we ALL say and do dumb things. We are human. Now I just have to stop the burning in my stomach, my sleepless nights, sick over the fact that this other person really wants nothing to do with me or my kids. (It actually makes me feel like I am a worse person than what I anticipated..) It seems that people want to take a step back and judge, rather than take a step in and offer an ear.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on June 13, 2013:
Oh, and just a comment to the spammers that like to robo-post negative comments (all of which I deleted and marked as spam) about how I "didn't help them at all" and wouldn't recommend my "sloppy content"...uh, hmmm...you came here for free therapy apparently and cannot comprehend satire. Pull the negative stick full of ego mixed with a major lack of empathy out of your blow hole pronto! Cheers to you Sunshine ;)
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on June 13, 2013:
Thank you. I don't get on here much anymore since I am on another website now, diamondsindasky.com, but I had to reply. Rejection, past or present, messes with your head something fierce but, if you keep stepping back and viewing it for what it is, A HUGE SIGN, relief will come. When shit blows up over and over it means we are still on the negativity merry-go-round. Allowing others to love you is hard when you don't love yourself because people can sense this. Work hard on that, reach for inner healing and keep building on it because you deserve that just like everyone else does.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on June 13, 2013:
@Starbuckslover: Sorry for the totally late response but I rarely write on this site anymore and am exclusively on diamondsindasky.com now. In short, the reply to your question is this: The only way to make things work with other people is to make things "work" inside of you first. Get that head screwed back on straight, speak up about what you want and don't want, work hard to put a stop to the useless "mental acrobatics" and in the end you won't have to worry about the negative self-talk because things will make sense for once. You do get that this man broke up with you because he valued his own sanity enough to take the hint you were throwing at him like a ten-ton boulder right? He heard your fears loud and clear and knew he could never compete nor could he ever be all you expected him to be. The Law of Attraction is clear...negative attracts negative and positive attracts positive. Get yourself healthy pronto, tell the negative thoughts to shut the hell up and enjoy life because you deserve it.
buster2209 on June 13, 2013:
Great blog entry and even better follow up replies. My gf recently broke up with me because I kept pushing her away until eventually it was just too much and she left. It has forced me to look inside myself because this is how all of my previous relationships ended. I realise I fear rejection which stems from my father's rejection of me. The temptation to get right back on the horse and bury my sorrow in a new relationship is overwhelming, yet, that will just bring me the same misery and heartache as it me that needs to change. I need to learn to forgive myself and others who have done me wrong and allow myself to be loved. In a crazy way, I think the last final gift my ex gave me was the push to take a good long hard look at myself. Maybe in time we can try again, but for now, I have to heal myself and allow myself to feel suffering.
Thequietone on June 07, 2013:
This is wonderful and I'm so glad that there are people out there who take time to share this key. The thing is that I know I'm insecure and find it hard to trust people. But on another level I want to trust people and be loved and love. I want it so bad. And when I get anywhere close to it I seem to find a small thing and make it out as if the person doesn't like me, or doesn't want to spend time with me. It hurts me, but they say its not true. It's like I'm trying to find reasons to get hurt and push people away because of it. Even though I know this, it doesn't seem to stop it, it's so deeply true in my mind.
But this is great, it really is. It makes me happy that people out there in the world care. And your words are so kind and clear. Thank you
Abeille on April 19, 2013:
Words cannot express how happy I am to have stumbled on this entry. I am not alone - there is hope! :)
cindywa888 from Las Vegas, NV on April 07, 2013:
I'm the same way. It is funny reading what you wrote and to laugh at the self I see in what you wrote.
STARBUCKSLOVER on February 28, 2013:
AWESOME (...or I guess not...)!!! So many people like me! After being walled up & 'going through the motions' with various boyfriends, finally got one that (god forbid!) I let in. He was amazing to me...in terms of being affectionate, doing for me, listening to me...as well as helping to coax out what was in my head. As the story goes...out of nowhere, started making things up in my head about all the problems, he's not being as affectionate, he's acting weird, etc. The "funny" thing was...when I stopped to think through things, I was aware I was "making all this up", but the mental acrobatics WOULD NOT STOP!!!!!! I just threw myself more into a tizzy & took every little thing as a premonition that something bad was to come. Guess what??? Like your other readers...it did. He broke up with me about two weeks ago. Do you think there's a way to make it work???
Stellar Phoenix on February 22, 2013:
This design is steller! You most certainly know how to keep a reader amused. Between your wit and your awesome content, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost..ahaha) Excellent job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool! Stellar Phoenix Review
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 20, 2013:
You are welcome and I will let you in on a little secret...well, not so secret since I've talked about it on here, but, it took 5 years of therapy for me to get to the point where I saw my part in my own misery and understood that I was the only person that could heal myself. Venting is AMAZING, when it is done in a setting where someone objective (therapist) can guide you to getting to the real core of your issues. Don't think of it as "Their Fault" or "My Fault" but more like how the actions of others skewed your belief in yourself and what you are going to do NOW to change the course of something set in place years ago. Shit happens, people say and do stuff because they think it will motivate and that is where I think your parents were coming from. I'm not talking about verbal, mental or physical abuse ( I have expereinced all of these) in your case, just misguided notions and a possible feeling of ill-ease with "feelings" on the part of the speaker. No one is perfect and so, after a while, the responsibility for unlearning or rejecting flawed "lessons" becomes our own as adults. We have the power and that is a wonderfully comforting feeling! You've got this Lynn and while it won't be instantaneous it will happen. Just take the ups and downs in stride and get back on that horse! I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.
Lynn on January 13, 2013:
I'll be honest, after I had written that comment, I thought I magically healed myself because I let myself become vulnerable. And then after exercising with my roommate for a few days, I didn't think I would need to resort to reading your reply for validation or even seeking possible therapy because I thought I could treat myself (you know, be self-reliant, be my own super hero) ...But when I finally took the chance to read your reply today, I realized how naive I was. Not to say that it'll be impossible for me to heal on my own, but thinking that the healing process would be automatic, and that it would be quick and easy was obviously why I haven't felt healed yet. To this day, I still keep on burying my feelings and insecurities deeper and deeper in hopes that no one will ever see them. By doing this, I want people to see that I can pick myself back up, that I am capable of functioning in this world despite whatever pain I feel...
But the fact that I cried while reading your reply proves that I haven't allowed myself the time to heal...at all. Ignoring my feelings won't help me at all.
Anyway, as far as my parents go, they aren't perfect, but I love them anyway. I don't accept the fact that crying=weakness (although I realize that I'm conditioned to that way of thinking), but I understand why they push me not to cry. They don't want to see me get hurt the way they've been hurt. They don't want others to take advantage me the way others have taken advantage of them. Ultimately, they don't want me to be a pansy lol and as you know, I don't want to be one either. Above everything else though, even if it was their fault that I turned out this way, I don't want to blame them for it. As everyone here has gone through their own hardships, my parents had to do the same. It wouldn't be fair for me to blame them for bringing me up the only way they know how. Plus, it's not like I stay down low every time they put me down. I've learned to stand up for myself over the years (I'm still working on it though :P)
Anyway, thanks for your honest reply (and it was fast too!). I needed a hard smack lol. I can't tell you how grateful I am for finding this website! :) I decided that I will try to go to therapy so that it will give me the extra push I need to begin making a positive change for myself. I gotta say, it's nice to be able to vent to a complete and total stranger. A very nice change of pace indeed.
Thank you :)
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 09, 2013:
*Smack* I just mercy slapped you through my computer screen! Get a hold of yourself, breathe, let it out and then keep repeating that until all you are thinking about is the action of living = breathing in and out. Simple huh?
I will say this right here and right now: Since when did holding back tears or emotions become the defining example of how to be strong? Having anyone tell you to stop crying or to stop being so "emotional" or "sensitive" says more about their own discomfort about dealing with those things than what it says about your true inner strength. Those who hold in emotions do themselves a huge disservice because it, in fact, weakens them not only emotionally but also physically because living a lie takes a toll on the brain, the heart and the body. Don't let anyone ever tell you that crying is weak because I would trust someone that cries (when appropriate of course and not about EVERYTHING) over someone that keeps a stiff upper lip all the time because I know they also hide a lot of baggage behind that stiff exterior too! Tough outside with little signs of empathy sometimes = massive mess inside.
As far as wanting to work in the psychology field...or any type of "helping" occupation...nope, not until you get yourself right with YOU! I mean that because I have worked with many therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists that obviously got into the field because they had some inner remodeling to do but kinda never got around to it before jumping in to the fixing other people game. The blind can't be expected to lead the blind and in the same token the "hurting" cannot be expected to be a healthy influence on the lives of those in similar distress unless you can demonstrate that you made it through the fire, in one repaired piece, yourself. In other words: Work on loving you and helping you before even considering psychology as a career, or a romantic relationship for that matter, because if you go into it already battered down then the volumes of emotional pain you will encounter there may cause you further distress rather than relief. Be there for YOU first. That is not selfish, it is smart.
Now, as for what is wrong with you...well, the same damn thing that is wrong with a lot of people: Lack of self esteem, self doubt, FEAR or change, FEAR of failure and just plain FEAR. Your doubts are created by fear and the sooner you give up the notion that people will laugh or mock or even reject you for being real and raw and human the sooner you will heal. Pardon my language but fuck anyone that deems being human unacceptable behavior. Odds are the only person that is even concentrating on your supposed flaws is you anyway so you could probably cry away in public and no one would hold that against you. If anything they may be relieved to see that you aren't a robot! No one can reject you harder than you have already rejected yourself so please consider individual therapy with someone who understands and specializes in family conflict, dysfunction and the strained parent-child dynamic because that may be where you need to go back to in order to find the key that let's you in the door to a more positive future.
Lynn on January 08, 2013:
Elleasku, thank you for having the compassion to reach out to everyone who comments here. I hope you don't mind another...
I have to admit, I feel hesitant to reach out like this but, I almost feel like I can't confide in anyone else about this because I would feel like a burden or be perceived as an overly negative person. But, I guess when it comes down to it, I am. I hate that I feel this way about myself because I like to view myself as how I think some people perceive me to be: innocent and optimistic. Gosh, but what gets me down is the fact that the people who see me that way have no idea how negative and depressing I can get. And it's upsetting to know that, while I do have people who accept me and love me for who I am (mostly family), I'm sure they get tired of seeing me down in the dumps so often, especially when they offer me advice and I don't take it. At this point I can't help but wonder if you're wondering whether I'm worth giving advice to at all...
I'm only 19, but I already feel like I've failed too many times (in simple friendships) and that I keep running away from myself and others. Crazy thing is, I want to help people through psychology (though to be honest, I'm becoming more unsure about that). I want to help others love themselves, but I can't even bring myself to do that for me. It scares me to think just how far my self-loathing goes but I really do want to change it. I'd also like to stop running away from people. I want to be able to be in a relationship without doubting everything about it, and thinking that it's just going to end eventually.
I guess what I'd like to know is how to become stronger emotionally? I consider myself to be emotionally sensitive, especially when it comes to topics about friendship or about myself. However, my parents have always encouraged me to "be strong" and to not be sensitive about everything. Along the way, being strong became equal to not crying in front of others. Not crying in front of others eventually lead me to keep all my insecurities inside and to never truly confide in anyone about it.
...Now that I think about it, every time my parents told me to stop crying, the more I equated crying with weakness...and that eventually lead me to believe that I should never show my weakness to anyone because it is unacceptable or that no one wants/cares to see it. I think this is probably the main reason why I choose to distance myself from others. Whenever I feel weak and insecure, and feel that people will be able to pick up on it, I run away from them...but then again, I'm terribly afraid of rejection and embarrassment as well (I guess this is because I feel that whenever they reject my crying, they're rejecting ME.)
I'm sorry if this seemed more like a self-analysis of myself but I'm stubborn about asking people for help or guidance. I try to rely on myself as much as possible because: 1) I don't want to be rejected (2.) I don't want to be a burden (3.) I don't want others to fail me.
(God, I just seem like a ball of contradictions don't I? Sorry about that. And I'm sorry if this feels pointless to respond to...omg, I swear I'm trying to push you away now!! Right now! What is wrong with me?!!!)
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 02, 2013:
Sorry for the delayed reply but I write for more than one site. My best suggestion is this: Work on breaking through your walls BEFORE you bring anyone else into your current world. This is the same help I gave myself and the same words I offer to others because it's true. A beaten down soul that needs repair cannot connect with another because they are not healthy. Simple as that. The only decision you need to make now is to help yourself through personal counseling, free support groups and putting your own mental well-being first. It has nothing to do with any proclamation of the "irrelevant" nature of society because that, in itself, is just dramatic smoke and mirrors talk there. It's about you not placing enough value on your own personal happiness and contentment to get off the merry-go-round of bullshit negative self-talk. Your decisions push no one away but your fear of being real does so until you are ready to say NO MORE, I WANT TO LIVE, the same old-same old can be expected. Get moving!
annie on September 15, 2012:
I am so surprised to find someone who thinks the way i do. I feel as if i am this black diamond in a vast pool of pearls. I realize how irrelevant society is and i have created this self destructive shell in order to preserve my sanity. I cant even cry or get emotions anymore because my true self cannot fathom all the decisions my "shell" has made; in other words my brain puts up so many walls to preserve itself. So, these walls disconnect me from my true self. Please help, my reckless decisions are pushing everyone away who gives a damn about me.
Courtney on September 03, 2012:
Oh wow! Reading this, it was the story of my life. I could relate so well, and the tips really got me thinking. Thank you so much for this! I will definitely try to improve on this!
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on August 06, 2012:
At 43 your life is not over and while it may seem you have "wasted" time the reality of it is that we all get to our own personal moment of peace, reflection, Zen...whatever you want to call it. It's a place of clarity, a time in which we can look back and say, "Yes, my life wasn't always rosey but dammit, I lived through it and learned many valuable lessons." Until you feel at peace with yourself and your past then no, you should not be in a romantic relationship. I had my moments of back stepping but they certainly motivated me to walk carefully and more self assurred each step afterwards. Lessons learned, remembered and put into action changed my world view as well as my inner view of myself. I saw the garbage that was out there looking to trip me up and because of my experiences I was able to do better the next time around and then better still each day after that. Life is a process and now isn't the time to give up because there is much more living, loving and laughing to experience.
rain77 from Australia on July 17, 2012:
pushing people away seems to be my constant battle, i know im doing it, but it still happens. Like you i know i can give great advice, then i think why cant i take my own. In a relationship for just over 20 years, it came to an end with him cheating numerous times, so i packed up my things moved with my daughter, and started a new life, found myself a new job and thought, this was a new start, im sounding so positive, but in my mind i was i was falling apart. So i started the new job, working afternoon shift, all was going ok. Then the boss declared his love lust for me, who mind you was a married man, with 3 children, uh oh, no no you cant do this to a woman who had been cheated on previously by my partner, so you can only imagine this put me 2 steps backwards, i left the job, after it was being investigated by work safe, i had a breakdown of some soughts, took 6 months off, locked the doors, never answered my phone, or the door, the anxiety would be the worst. Now on a track that i would consider normal, any man that comes my way or person, i tend to see the worst, so i push them away to save getting hurt, to me it feels like torment every day, its not so much my non existing love life im worried about so much, more to the fact i dont trust any body, my low self esteem has hit rock bottom, but i know i have to hold it together for my daughter, now at 43, so much of my life has been wasted.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on July 03, 2012:
Dude, yes you are young but not too young to see that what you are doing is talking yourself out of living a fun and happy life. At 16 you are allowed to be a negative dark cloud from time to time due to hormones but after a while it gets old and it annoys people. You already know that when you are mean and hateful you get a negative response so wouldn't doing the opposite be a better choice? No one acts like an ass without a getting a payoff so what's yours? Are you a "I'll take any kind of attention I can get, negative or not" kind of person or are you a "I'm hurting so I think I'll just hurt everyone else in my path so I don't have to work on my own issues" sort of fella? Figure out which and go from there.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on July 03, 2012:
The main key to why you push people away is because you refuse to love yourself John. It's always easier to give to another as a way to avoid working on your own issues but in the end our fears and perceived faults merge to create the cluster fuck you call your life. Stop doing that to yourself man! Life doesn't fuck with us...we fuck it up by letting fear into our hearts and heads.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on July 03, 2012:
What a joy you must be to party with! News flash Dark Cloud: a lot of people care based on the number of comments to the contrary. Another thought...why did you search this topic only to leave a negative, boo-hoo, woe is me comment? If one doesn't care then why do research?
Depressed dude on June 30, 2012:
Im only 16 but even if thts real young I feel like I have all these problems with human connection. I just wish I could love someone who would love me back no matter what and so far I haven't found anyone, and any potential people I reach out to, I'm only friends with for a few months becuz at one point or another I say something stupid mean and hurtful and just make things complicated :( I feel like I have no friends and maybe that's not true but I don't believe it! My life has just been one whole bad movie that just needs to end. I can't honestly say I love myself becuz I know it's not true becuz I'm a terrible human being who reaches out to people and hurts them and pushes them away to the point they don't want to look at me anymore so I guess not loving myself is problem 1 but I just can't find a way how or a reason to:( any advice???
John on June 18, 2012:
I push people away because i feel as if, i don't deserve to be loved.. I get that i must have some good qualities, but i just can't look at myself through someone else's eyes and see them actually being in 'love' with me.. This is why i never celebrate birthdays with friends, because why the hell would they want to celebrate MY birthday? BUT; i can GIVE love.. Theres no better feeling than giving love to someone.. And i understand why I love them.. My ex, i loved her through hell and back, i would walk to the end of the earth and jump off it for her.. But in the back of my head, i could never accept or believe that she could possibly love me that much.. and with that comes resentment.. but i wasn't paranoid or jealous of others around her.. Waking up thinking that this person doesn't really love you, can only lead to pushing it away, because it doesn't seem real and you slowly become apathetic and bored of it all.. Yeah Life really is one big head fuck.
ice queen sarah on June 16, 2012:
Hey, I found this post and im so confused. Im only young 18 and deffinately push people away...
There is a guy who has accepted all of my crazyness who knows me inside out having been friends for 2 years now and is still willing to stick around and wait until 'im ready' for a relationship. This makes me feel incredibley guilty because hes being so lovely and understanding that i feel i may just end up hurting him.
With being so young im heading to university and then want to travel i believe it is unfair to commit to this guy now when im planning to travel the globe in a few years time. I dont know if this is me making excuses or a valid reason to not make our friendship more, im also terrified if i travel and wait until after, he will have found someone else i will have missed my chance to be with someone who truely understands and accepts me. I really dont know what to do.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on May 30, 2012:
Wow again! You guys are swamping me with responses and thank you for that. If I do not get to each one I am sorry but I have another blog that I write weekly realtionship advice for: lucyindaskywithdiamonds.com and that one has a more private option for obtaining personal responses than this more open forum. I do not mind getting e-mails from this site but I typically cannot respond back in any other way than in the comments section here so please don't take it personally if I do not send a private e-mail response. I just value my privacy and that includes my personal e-mail address.
So here goes: @Hannah, no belittling of your maturity level and the strength of your current realtionship was intended. I am blunt. I have lived in both the world where he was "IT" at the time and the world where he didn't continue to grow with me and became a "NOT". It happens and that cannot be discounted. My reply spoke to the fact that you need to work on becoming your own "IT" so when problems do arise you can be strong enough to see the true state of any relationship rather than hanging on to the fumes of "if only." Cautionary and nothing more and part of growing up is to also not bristle when the old folks point out possibilities. Keep working on making your self esteem healthy and those insecurities will be a thing of the past. A confident woman is a happy woman with no time for nonsense.
Have you explained to your girlfriend how she makes you feel? A realtionship based only on sex is no relationship at all but a booty call. It sounds like she is immature (whether 18 or 40 everyone can be immature at times!)and possibly putting on a front for her friends maybe. If she doesn't have the courtesy and good manners to treat you well in front of her friends then my guess would be that she probably isn't all warm and fuzzy when you are alone either. Call her on her behavior and see what happens. I would bet that she gets defensive and tries to blame things on you...just a hunch and I may be wrong but I doubt it. In closing, I'd just say that if you haven't defined what kind of relationship you have with her after a face-to-face talk then, and sorry James, why would you want to save this one-sided realtionship?
James 1980 on May 23, 2012:
I'm the one that keeps getting pushed my girlfriend acts as if I don't exist to her whenshe has friends over or when were just during around the house watching TV the only time I get acknowledgment is when we are in bed and she wants to have have sex and don't get me wrong I Love sex we go a few times a night but I want more out of my relationship than just sex..but that's the only thing good we have good in our relationship...so is there something I can do to save my relationship or is it done
Confused77 from Wisconsin, United States on May 20, 2012:
Hi everyone :),
Reading everyones posts have really helped me to understand a little bit more of why I happened to google what I did and came to this site first. I'm glad I'm not the only one that seems to have these sort of problems...I always felt sort of alone when it came to this because not many people get it. What I had googled was "Why am I so afraid of getting hurt that I push everyone that matters away". I've been trying to figure this out for quite awhile. I've met a man that makes me feel so good in every way and I'm truly happy with him but I always find the littlest things to confront him about or start an argument over. Like if he's not showing enough affection or if he's talking to another woman more often. The big one was when he told one of his good friends (that is a woman) that she looked beautiful in the dress she had on. I'm not sure if this is jealousy or if I'm getting angry over these things for some other stupid reason. I know I have a lot of insecurities and he knows this as well & has been trying to get me to break free from them but I just don't know how to. I feel like eventually he'll just get sick of it and leave, anybody would really no matter how much you love someone. Then I find myself thinking about how much I love him and want to be with him and it literally scares me to the point where I just want to break it off because I can't imagine getting hurt by him, so if I leave...it wouldn't hurt as bad I guess. I don't want to be scared because I want to be able to experience what life has to offer me but I do it everytime. Find simple things to fight about to either get them to leave me or give me a reason to leave them, even if I don't want to. I just want it to stop but I'm so clueless on how to overcome this. I'm a very beautiful, confident and loving person that wants to give someone the world but deep down I'm so afraid of not being good enough and that everyone will see this eventually and find something better, which leaves me alone and hurt. I know this has a lot to do with my childhood but I want to forget all of it, let go and become the person I want to be. Someone who isn't afraid to love or be loved even with the risk of being hurt. If anyone has any advice or has gone through the same thing and can help at all...please do. I'm so lost and confused. I just want to be "normal" ya know? Not worry so much about being hurt that I push the man that I love more than anything away from me.
Hannah on May 16, 2012:
Thank you thinker 11 and elleasku. I am glad I put my feelings down here to be read, just writing them out made me feel better. However I know he is IT for me. I know we are young and you may think im silly and in love but we have been together long enough to know it is good between us. Our relationship doesnt consist of only arguments and I know I need to overcome my insecurities. I feel this is part of growing up though, and quite natural. It is also part of growing up together, which is not easy and requires hard work. Poeple change over time especially from child to adult this is a hard enough transition to deal with yourself, nevermind when you are in a couple. But He is not just a boy, and I dont think our relationship should be belittled because we are young. I will work on myself as well as US but in the long run Thinker11 is right I should focus on the great person I have and all the things we do together which matter and make us both happy. I hope everyone else who experiences these feelings will move forward in the right direction and find peace with themselves and their partners xxx
Alex on May 14, 2012:
I've always figured I was messed up in the head or something. I'm a 17 year old guy and i can't seem to let girls close. I work so damn hard to get a girlfriend and the first few weeks is always awesome but after that I can't get them far enough away. I've always been very insecure about myself and never really felt worthy I guess. I want someone to actually care about me as a person but the thought of allowing a girl into my inner workings terrifies me.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on May 14, 2012:
There is a saying that ONE good, positive thing in a person's life outweighs TWENTY negative things. Do you hate certain things about yourself because it's too hard to own up to them or face these demons? When things appear too hard people tend to just throw their hands up and say, "Oh, well, it's too hard and I have too many things wrong with me so I'm just giving up!" I hope this isn't the case so my best suggestion is this: If you can find access to individual therapy then do it. If you can't then seek out free support groups in your area. Without more information this is the best I've got but you must, must, must put your personal welfare first.
BD on May 11, 2012:
I am glad to know that I not the only one out there. I tend to overthink every little situation and make a mess out of any relationship I am in. It ends up in me having to think that I have to eject out of the relationship, thus hurting the other person, but more importantly, falling into misery with my emotions to the extent where I can't really function on a daily basis. It's a vicious cycle and I tend to do it a lot.
I am pretty sure I have found someone great recently. But my insecurities always make me realise something that isn't really there on the surface, and therefore driving the person away. I have now done this about 7 or 8 times, and I think I have finally driven her away for good.
The sad thing is, I just wanted to be there for her emotionally and I am pretty sure I understood her more than anyone right now. But I guess when it is too much, it is too much.
Now all that I have is regret, knowing I could have passed up on an opportunity to be genuinly happy with this person, which I was, when my own mind wasn't in overdrive. I guess you learn to live, and live to learn...
I hope I can change one day, so that I don't pass up any other great people in my life. I hope that she finds someone great and that she is happy.
elizabethramm on May 10, 2012:
Hello Elleasku, I just came across this website and read your blog and I am in shock and honestly so taken by it that I couldn't stop crying...lol. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others like myself. As well as the others who shared their stories. I now know that I am not alone. I think this blog is two years old but I hope we can still talk about it? I too was a victim of abuse as a child and in my marriage. I had a controlling father, well he still is and I am 37 yrs old. He was abusive and an alcoholic. As an escape from my father I got married when I was 20...so WRONG.That marriage completely destroyed me.. 7 yrs but i finally got out. He was just as abusive..nah even more than my father only that he didn't drink...lol. Took me about 3 yrs to recover, by that I mean lift my self esteem, love myself, value myself, gain back my security. INSECURITY, that is my main problem. There has been moments in my life now that I am fine but sometimes I can't stop the pushing people away, finding excuses, finding flaws in people that most possibly do not even exist in them. I say possibly because I convince myself so much to the point that I can't distinguish it from reality. I am overcome by that "fear" that freaking fear of getting hurt, rejected, feeling not worthy of being loved and negative thoughts that I won't find happiness or I won't find the right person. One phrase that runs in my mind over and over again, "no something wrong will happen it will not work out eventually it will all be over. Of course I will be the one to cause something wrong. Typically, my thoughts afterwards would be "he would leave me so why not push him away now so it won't happen!" I remember you saying something, people like us over think everything, form every word, facial expression to even silence....SO TRUE! That actually made me cry again....lol. and that we are are our worst enemies...WOW! Yes, It drives me mad and yes I will repeat from now on "It's never as bad as I imagine it to be. It like a constant struggle with my mind those... NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!I soon will reach forty and I don't want to get to that point were I regret the self- loathing and the pushing away of good loving people.
Mike on May 10, 2012:
well i tried the steps out, and i realized theres a lot more things i hate and get annoyed at about myself than the things i love about myself, what should i do?
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on May 09, 2012:
Thank you for stepping up and helping a fellow human in need.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on May 09, 2012:
@Hannah and thinker11,
Thank you. Hannah, thinker has your answer and I will add this: You are 18, yes, explain how you feel to your boyfriend and do it soon. The quicker you start taking control over your actions, reactions, over-reactions and feelings this easier it will be to handle situations like this. Insecurity is a nasty bitch that will take up residence in your head and stick with you like an unwanted squatter. It will shit on all of your future realtionships (yes, you will have more, this boy isn't IT)unless you forcefully kick it out. The reassurance you need isn't from him, it's from yourself. The love you need doesn't come only from him, it resides in YOU. Do this for yourself first and everything else will fall into place...I promise. I wish I could say you will move on together but quite frankly, I'd rather you move on as the more evolved, awesome version that I just know you can be. Having a man in your life isn't required to do this but having utter and complete love for yourself in your heart and mind does.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on May 09, 2012:
Why doesn't it apply to men too? Aren't we all human with the same beating heart? Stop and listen to this: The issue isn't with them it's with you. Do you know how I know this? Because the "issue" was me as well so I can speak from authority here. The perfection you are seeking is from yourself and not them. You cannot live up to that ideal and neither can they thus the impass when you realize they aren't PERFECT and therefore can't make you perfect for being with them. You reject them because they don't meet this lofty goal/ideal you have set for yourself. Stop it now! You should not be with anyone at all, period, until you figure out why you feel so much fear about opening up, flaws and all, to another human being. Until you do this and work on healing yourself you cannot be healthy with another person.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on May 09, 2012:
Hurt happens, you can't hide from it. Letting someone in doesn't mean you will always get hurt but it sure means you are brave enough to try at least! Ask yourself this: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Pick happy...it starts with figuring out what in the hell it is inside you that causes the pain that makes you so afraid to connect with people.
thinker11 on May 09, 2012:
Hannah...I feel like about 5 years ago, I could have wrote exactly what you have just posted. Except for me, by the time I realised I was the real problem, it was too late and I had pushed him away forever. You have a chance to fix this now but if there's one thing I could tell myself then it would be to just step back, relax and appreciate him and all the good things in the relationship. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone but you have the chance to make things better now. It sounds like you have gotten so settled into your life together but at such a young age. I think you should go back and do all the fun and silly things ye did together when ye began your relationship. Maybe then you might remind yourselves why ye love each other and have stuck together so long. I know the feeling of being together so long you can't imagine a break-up regardless of how bad the arguments or how unhappy you feel, but sometimes that break-up may ultimately be the best thing for both of you. But if you both really want to be together then be honest with how your feeling, but especially change your attitude towards him. If you could imagine yourself without him, then would all those arguments and fights and situations feel as important? For me, everything I ever gave out or complained about him and our relationship seemed so petty and small to me after we had broken up but essentially it was what drove us apart. I'm just a fellow poster on here I have no expert opinion to give or share but when I saw your post I felt to reply. Hope it works out for you. Love him unconditionally for all the things you love about him and yes there is a possibility you will get hurt but there is also the possibility you two can be very happy together. And if you do get hurt? Yeah it will suck for awhile but I promise you it will make you a far stronger person than you'll ever be and it just means there's something bigger and better out there for you. Trust me, I've been there! Good Luck
Hannah on May 09, 2012:
I am eighteen and my boyfriend is nineteen we have been together four years now and I recently moved into his family home with him, we are saving for a house together, we talk about marriage and babies. I know him so well and he is a really caring partner and very understanding. We have had a lot of silly arguments but two now where we have almost broken up I know this is me. I feel insecure about things all the time jealous and scared about other girls and just day to day things which make me think on how he feels about me and whether he is still as happy to be with me as he was when we were at school. I know we are at the age where we both have to grow and change but I never felt these things before until probably the first year, before he was silly and jealous but he seems to have grown out of it and I have slipped into the role myself now.
He said he wanted to break up after the last argument we had I feel like i pushed him to that conclusion because he seems confused and upset when i "go on one" about silly things, this time about whether the "spark" had gone in our relationship. I just wish i hadnt brought it up because one thing always leads to another. I know he hates arguments and I think I make him feel like he is always doing something wrong. I know I need to stop as I want to be with him so badly. I know he loves me, so why can i not be satisfied with that? why do I crave constant reassurance from him all the time in the form of arguments? I feel like I should just not mention these feelings to him when I get them, but is that even worst? should I talk to him about this now, so he understands it is not a critism of him when I do this but my own insecurities spilling over. or will another in depth conversation just add to our problems. I feel like I am beggining to make him think we have a bad relationship, like we argue all the time and I am not happy with him. He is always saying "we always have upsets" or " Icant make you happy" he said this time "I think we need to give it a rest". We have made up since this row but I am going crazy thinking of him away from me and thinking that our relationship is bad. What can I do to right this and move on together? I would be so grateful for your help xx
Robert A on May 09, 2012:
I know this article isn't directed towards men, but I have to say I know the feeling.
Here I am, 25, and on the verge of ANOTHER break-up because my pride won't let me accept that the person I am with is flawed. I constantly expect perfection, and ended up in a 2 hour long text fight, with me freaking out on the phone calling the person insecure and practically crazy because they thought I "may be playing them". When in reality I care about this person so deeply I could never cheat on them. My ego tells me, "How dare they accuse you of cheating." and my heart tells me, "Don't let this one go." I am lost confused, and I am tired as hell. Maybe I didn't show them enough affection, maybe I am completely dead emotionally. Still even with the caring in my heart for this person, its sad I can still cut them off and push myself through the emotions of another break up so easily. Like second nature. I am not healthy.
Emily on May 05, 2012:
I'm so happy that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm so sure I'll get hurt if I let anyone in, I try to make them run away so I can be right. Kinda hard to explain, but thanks for writing this :)
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on April 26, 2012:
Dear Readers: I have not abandoned you I am just overloaded with other writing projects and DO read all of your posts but just haven't had the proper time to respond. Lots of hurt out there! Chin up beautiful people, you are valued and heard and I personally want to thank everyone that has had the courage to post on this silly little hub. I was just writing to vent and never thought I could reach people in such a way. Because of you I am taking this hobby and going public with it. Give me a chance to reply to the last few comments that requested a response but in the meantime you can find me at Lucyindaskywithdiamonds.com. Hope that announcement doesn't get me bounced from here but at least you will see what else I do plus those readers aren't as brave as you guys!
BlueStorms on April 25, 2012:
Another straggler here --- 49, just started seeing a real nice guy and from date one, I was so busy putting up my walls and saying how past experiences have shaped the me I am today and well, basically, if people cant handle it - get outta the kitchen... wow! Yeah...
He likes me -- but not only do we have a communication problem, we cant even have sex.... Oh, we get to the point alright, but arent sucessful with pentration & its been almost a year for me since Ive had sex....Top it all off with being post menopausal (2 years)...
Anyway, this guy has A LOT to contend with and already he is ready to throw in the towel -- I'm now back to the 'let's just be friends' until you can figure out the physical issues AND work on your communication skills...
Which frightened the hell outta me and made me feel I was being rejected (I was or wasn't I)....
See -- this guy was married and had a sexless relationship with his wife while also suffering no communication with her... wasnt either of their faults really. And then here I come with all my hang ups and cant have sex to boot! OMG!!!
So when he tried to keep the door open by saying lets be friends until we can (you can) see what remidies are available for your 'problem', I took it as rejection and immediately shut him down and out in an attempt to protect myself from being hurt
BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS CAT and yes, he is good quality stuff....
So how does a basket case like me get a grip and begin communicating effectively without driving him away? It's not like we had an exclusive relationship established -- but I would like to get to that point!!
I just seem to defeat myself over and over again... when I become afraid, I grow hard and it's like all these walls go up immediately...How do I change?? How do I stop pushing people away by my walls and defenses? It like second nature to me so often I dont realize what I have done or said until it is too late...
And if you can make sense of anything I just said --- congratulations to you too!
Michelle on April 19, 2012:
I have loved reading this. At times I laughed, cried and took pause for the cause *hmmmmmm*.
bit of background for you- suffered from childhood emotional and physical abuse, Dad left at early age, Mother and I never really got along, often betrayed by close friends and so on. I am fully aware the past is the past and I can't change it but have learned and grown from it. I am also aware our past is in some way, still a part of ourselves. When I was between ages 15-22, I suffered from Dysthymia Depression Disorder. Now, at 27, I still have never had a serious long term relationship; more so because I either chose to be single rather than just settle (I'd rather be alone than be with someone and still feel alone) or because I was scared to let someone in. I am described as a 'strong woman' type, attractive, athletic, guarded, a bit high strung, tough but sweet, loyal and selfless...At present, I take medication for anxiety and also work in law enforcement for Domestic Violence... My job is tough, so it leaves little time for myself.
Anyhoo- I recently met a wonderful man straight out of the Navy. He's been through the similar as a child- but more severe, several adoption homes, child abuse and so on. He is younger than me, but so mature and squared away.
So far, we're hitting it off very well, with a few communication blimps, but nothing out of the ordinary. I have slowly opened up to him about my anxiety, inability to trust due to rejection; and although Im a confident woman, I have some insecurities that show/slip through the cracks at times.
I am here, because I want this to work with him. IT is working but I know myself and as the other readers put it, will eventually push him away.
I told him this morning I appreciate how open and honest he is with me, and although I may appear saddened or slightly defensive when he approaches me about some "issues", I told him it's a fear and sometimes, subconsciously, I push people away when I really like them. His sweet-genuine response, "I already told you I like you." So I wonder Why, WHY someone who is so tolerant and accepting of me, do I find a need/reason to try to push him away?? Sometimes I think it's because I want to "challenge" them, see if they can "put up" with me. But I realize we all have pros and cons. In the car, I tell him "Thank you for letting me speak to you about things. It's very hard for me." He thanked me in return for being so open because he sees how reserved and private I am at times. And then he said something interesting, "When you start to date someone seriously, the further along it goes, it becomes more than just skin deep. You really get to know the other person, and that's where things can get scary." I liked this pragmatic/realist approach. My response was, "True. And I think all relationships need above all, a good level of respect and understanding." to which he agreed.
That being said, I am aware I have some faults that can or can't be changed. I am aware I need to stop beating myself up. It's not that I think "Im not good enough" or "not worthy" but "Will he be able to put up with me (this)?" It's interesting when you can be so internally aware as to the damage you are doing to yourself, but for some reason, can't get out of that frame of mind.
I know- that in order for me to have a successful happy relationship, I have to learn to love myself, all of myself (the good, the bad and the ugly). I am a good person, which is what I told him, but just have some kinks I am trying to work out. He understood this.
I am already looking to speak to a psychologist regarding this matter, because he is too wonderful of a man, partner, person to push away do to my "self loathing".
I will sit down tonight and answer these questions you proposed, maybe speak with a close friend.
It's easy to say "love yourself" BUT when you've been so beat down and damaged, it's harder than you think (as you know) to get out of the mind set.
What is the best suggested route to take from here? ANY advice would be most appreciated.
Heba-elsebai on March 31, 2012:
I love every word u said,actually the whole article is really about me..I wasn't so..just one experince(marriage ..made me totally changed from soooo patient ,nice, quiet person to be a nervous,sensitive and insecure person ( just in relationships ) as if I got myself in a circle don't wanna anybody get into it. Or simply push them away ..I hate to hurt people i really care for ...I don't have problems in everyday life,my work or with my family thankfully .. everything is better except this feeling
I pose as a strong ,mean woman with men and pushing them away .Am an angel when I feel safe with a man, but seem a devil when I hurted him,but I'm not ,
.just fear of hurting.why we hurt the person we love most !!.hurting others is so disgusting,I hurt him and myself in the meantime...
veraofverobeach on March 26, 2012:
I lack self esteem and can relate to this article. I was ridiculed as a child for being overweight. Now that I am healthy and exercise and take care of myself I am finding that my self image and self worth is severely scarred. I am never good enough for myself and this is projected to anyone i develop a relationship or close friendship with. I attract the losers mentioned above. I get 'taken for a ride', used, swindled, conned, screwed (not in the good way), ridiculed, belittled. Its a never ending cycle which started when I started kindergarten 35 years ago.
sarah on March 17, 2012:
@ Cam, is your comment aimed at my post?? didnt get it?
Cam on March 16, 2012:
Thank you. i dont feel like an alien anymore.
sarah on March 13, 2012:
PS i meant its 2nd wk running no reply.
as for "its not happening for me". i wrote that in my angry mail to him as an eg of what he couldv have said to me. which he used.
i can wait for him i have no issues but he just never said and i didnt clarify.
sarah on March 13, 2012:
hi, i met a guy over the net and after 6mnths i told him im in love with him. never seen or met. but within that time we emailed and spoke on msn. hes true person i can tell u that much. but what concerned me was within those 6mnths ther came a point where there was no contact for 3wks, becaus he was studyng working etc, he told me. so i cut down on my mails to provide space. the thing is i got in patient and wrote to him furiously but he replied he needed time to think about us and i know he wasnt sure why i like him so much. he kept saying he doesnt know if he deserves it in the begining. then when i wrote that angry email he said he needed time to think of us and that he was busy. he said he has no doubts i deserve better and he pushed me away b/c he didnt want me to get hurt because of him. then he quoted from my last angry email to end his email in sorry "its not happening for me". why quote what i said. my point was he couldv said he needed time or just say im not what he wants after such long dated emailings. i didnt know he wanted time to think, all i wanted to know is where this was going or where i stand. btw, he said he undesrtnds why i would be mad but he doesnt blame me or him he blames the circumstances?! "all the best!". im hurt and so upset my last email after that was im hurt i am in love no question im old enough to know its not a crush or a phase. i cnt force him but i dont think he understnds why i love him. i never expalined. but he hasnt replied since and neither have i emailed him further. this is the 2nd running no reply. i dont and wont email him untill he does. i feel crap that i have said so much in terms of liking him anyway i wish i never opened my mouth. he said he cant be horrible to me because i have never done anything horrible to him. is he insecure as i am younger than him but well over my mid 20,s! what should i do ;(!!!?????? we,v seen eachothers pics and hes also told me in the last email that he thinks "im pretty so thats not the problem either" THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, THATS WHAT I WANTED TO KNOW! (IM SOBBING)
thenewjack on March 04, 2012:
I must say i do experience this myself. For a while now i have walked into peoples lives and inspire them, it seams like the more damaged they are, the more attracted to them i am. After a while i feel like a monster taking advantage of someone who is weaker than i am and using them to make myself feel better. To make myself seam better or smarter than i actually am. You speak of human nature, i do believe the nature part of it is mans capacity to do great evil. The only good they are capable of is accidental or sacrificial. Perhaps i do set my goals to high, but does that mean no one is capable of reaching them, not even myself? Maybe i do not alienate myself because other people fail to reach my goals, but because i fail to reach my goals. honestly, this makes me feel like im reading a self help book, which is upsetting.
confusedconfused on February 19, 2012:
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I was searching for some answers and I stumbled on this thread.
I keep searching for faults in everything, worrying about everything and end up spoiling everything..
I've just got in to a new relationship (we've only been dating for a couple of weeks). Everything has been going really great, we're really attracted to each other and she's really lovely. We've already become quite caring and loving towards each other.
But now for some stupid reason I've started to question everything (even though it has not been a problem) and started worrying about it.. For example she goes to church on sundays (I"m not religious at all) - and I worry that because of this she might be too good/nice, and I'm afraid that I may put her off with my offensive behaviour.. Last time we met I saw some wrinkles on her face and I'm worried she's going to age too fast.. I showed a couple of pictures to my friends and they each asked where she'd from because she looks 'black'. I can't see it at all, I don't even think she's very tanned. She has straight hair but my friends say she obviously straightens it. I don't have any fundamental issues with her being black but I'm worried I may see her differently now and start searching for other 'issues' and differences between us to worry about... It's so stupid.. She's so lovely to me, I'm so attracted to her.. Why I am I trying to find all these faults in everything why can't I just enjoy it for what it is? I'm worried that I'll never find 'the one' for me me because it's too perfect and basically impossible and doesn't exist... I wish I could just switch my head off and stop worrying about crap and just enjoy all the good things that are happening around me... I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum for this or if I've offended anyone but I thought it might be worth writing this down incase somebody is able to explain... Thank you very much in advance
Stinker on February 18, 2012:
I truly believe everything happens for a reason so finding this site today has opened my mind to certain clarity that I didn't have yesterday. I am a former "pusher" as in pushing people away. However have now become a pusher to attack every little problem in my marriage trying to seek perfection which in turn has made me a pusher again. All of my pushing caused my husband to shut down emotionally and completely ignore my requests to work on our issues as small as they were. He is very simple as most men are and just refuses to see the things that bother me or even care. This caused much anger and hurt to build in me to the point where my anger came out in terrible forms of communication or lack there of. My mouth has become like a truck driver and my lashing out on my husband has in turned pushed him away, literally. He ended up leaving 2 weeks ago after a fight and has been staying with his parents. He refuses to talk to me and says he is working on himself and trying to figure out what he wants. I am a strong independant woman however when we got married I changed. I put our marriage first in every aspect that somewhere down the line I lost me. I never thought I was capable of saying the things I have said to him but I guess everyone has a breaking point. I'm usually the bigger person who tries to keep peace but there is only so much hurt I can take. I do not understand why he constantly avoided our issues or ignored them and me. I sometimes think he displays passive agressive behavior in that he makes excuses, ignores, laughs things off as if to intentionally hurt me and break me. In my past I would have never allowed anyone to treat me that way and would just push them away or walk as I knew I deserved better. Over the years of working on me I realized that clear communication was the most important and never expected him to read my mind. My clear communication doesn't even work. If I express myself and my feelings or tell him what I need from him, I still get nothing. And that not only hurts it pisses me off. It's like he wants to just BE and put no effort into us or me. Yet I give and give. At one point in our relationship he cared enough about me to go to counseling. This was before we got married. Since we got married he changed. He says he's just comfortable. I see it as plain old lazy in making a marriage work for both of us. I am no saint and I never will be. I love myself regardless of how much he knocks me down, but it still hurts, makes me angry and sometimes makes me doubt myself (in the moment) but I eventually bounce back. There are things I am now working on for myself, like my foul mouth. I want to fix my marriage however I do not want to do it alone. Nor to I want to bend on everything he wants just to exist in his life. I want equality. I guess I just don't know what to do. I feel like he now bailed on our marriage although he has only said he needs time to figure things out for himself. But he has also said things like he doesn't know if we could ever be happy again or get back what we had. We have only talked maybe 3 times in two weeks as he has cut all communication with me. I've been up and down emotionally over the past two weeks from angry and strong to emotional and weak. Everything we worked so hard for is just in our reach and I'm wondering now if I became a pusher again or if he is a pusher...or maybe we both are. Regardless I know what to do for myself...I just don't know what to do for my marriage. He is the first person after several long relationships and a previous marriage that I've actaully broke down all my walls with and let in completely. He knows my vulnerabilities and my insecurities yet he throws them in my face like they are faults. Is he just that much of a jerk?
Becky on February 16, 2012:
Wow, that is me! I am so happy I have come across this webpage.
It has been extremely useful, thank you! I trust people way too fast and then I put up emotional walls and push them away... Every relationship and even my family members.
alonely woman on February 15, 2012:
i am a lonely woman at the age of 31 i am a very conscious to myself,and if there is some annoying me i really felt mad,and my day was really awful.specially with this neighbor that really close to our house she do talking loud bad thing about me specially my past relationship with 3 guys in different year and different stories why i broke and why still now i am still single ,and i can't help but to get mad of theme,i felt like they are happy if they saw me mad of theme with my reaction,....sometime when i try to dress a nice and sexy dress,when i pass to their house they just say she act like sexy and pretty !hmmp mother i am much pretty and sexy with her,and then laughing loud..her mother is almost 60 plus and her daughter is 33 and she has 4 kids and all are young...and i don't have kids and no relation for 2 years after my failure of looking my soulmate and that was all a white guy,i really like white guy and i attract to thier looks and dreaming to have white kids too.if they knows that this people soundes are don't like she love it and talking about my past and all the things i have done that i am trying to change it.and also if i have some close people they are trying to talk bad things about and that people now are not close of mine and they are laughing with theme talking bad and makes my really bad,because they know they can do that.it is okay for me if o don't have a friend as long as my family are there.but how can i make my family love and fight for me.if some body heated me?only my family i have now.
hope you can give me advice ....God blessed!
Dan on February 12, 2012:
great read i can relate to all of this and with a a pretty face like that i wouldn't stray :P x
Phil on February 11, 2012:
Badly need advice, I'v bein dating the most amazing girl i'v ever met we both plan to have are life's together we both know we will because we are so good to one an another but there's down fall to all this my insecurties and trust, She's toke by me even though i'v attempted to break up with 3 time's she's amazing and that's why i'm on here looking for advice but yeah anyways this what has happened, When i was 18 i met this 21 year old with 2 kids 2 different dad's and yeah me being me didnt think anything of it if anything i thought it was going to be just for fun but no it turned out to be more than that. The 2 years we were together i thought i loved her and that she was everything, I supported her and her 2 kid's pretty much did everything for them, We got engaged bout 1 and a half into the relationship thought everything was all good, But all my family and friends were telling me to get away your getting used and stuff but i was like yeah what ever use just idiots. Well it turn's out that she was cheating on me while i was away busting my arse when i was away to support her and her 2 kids and of yeah course we broke up but week later she was pregant with that guys kid yeap pretty messed up. Now that she had done that to me i find it really hard to trust woman i think the worst of everything, I say thing's i shouldnt even say and i know that but i just do it, i get very jealous and very angry. Honestly think of my past has messed up something in my head because i can seem to let go i try so hard but i cant and now its ruining my relationship with my new girl, Just feel so scared to let someone back into my life and than have that happen all over again what do i do?
mitch on February 11, 2012:
man... reading this was like a slap in the face. i knew i pushed people that were dear to my heart away. and worst of all i never could figure out why... i asked my family, friends, and ex's no one could help me. i found that this was very spirit uplifting to myself. and i Greatly thank u for this. as i have read in some posts this just screams me and i feel as if it is me... but it really gives me things to think about and things to talk to others about. its just so hard when u feel lost all the time. and trying to find who u are when I'm as insecure as i am its very troubling... i just want help and sadly i don't have many friends who can truly help... but thank u soo!! much for this its really helped clear my mind.
Rosey on January 30, 2012:
I can relate to what you say but you're so much better than that and you still deserve friends to love you despite of what you think about yourself.
bill on January 28, 2012:
Life's a bitch and v all know that. Just like 5 fingers r not the same v all r diff ppl. The trick is to figure out how to put urself in the other person's shoes and try to analyze the pblm. Follow ur heart sometimes cos following ur mind may not work always... my 2 cents
boomer0328 on January 26, 2012:
P.S. Of course there is much more to the story. My ex probably thinks I'm a nut and disrespectful of his boundaries as to not contact him because I sent him letters apologizing for my behavior and wanting to talk. (I got real pathetic)
Part of the reason I keep rethinking about all this is I don't want to move on without learning all my lessons that I don't want to repeat. In a way I think I'm staying stuck and very emotional because of this though. I just want it to end.
I'm up one day down the next. I am insecure and now I'm wondering if I was ever secure in my life? I'm doubting everything about me and judging myself harshly now. Is anything right about me?
boomer0328 on January 26, 2012:
I'm 42, never married no kids. I was involved in a relationship with a man 3 years ago who from day one would've done anything for me whom I pushed away and didn't trust, for no reason on his part. He tried everything to reassure me he was trustworthy. That I learned. But I totally tore this man apart, I analyzed the crap out of him, doubting things, looking for the negative, and even destoying him by telling him when I was angry that I didn't enjoy any of the good times we had together. I was never sure how I felt about him ever. I was obsessive. There was one thing I didn't like about him and it bothered me and I wasn't sure if I should tolerate it or if it was just me being too sensitive. The way he talked to me at times. It was what I felt was aggressive, dominating. I told him many times about it. He'd get mad at me. I grew defensive because of it. I eventually broke up with him because I knew I had my own issues to take care of but this was the main reason. He the same day, realized in counseling this was a behavior he learned from childhood from dealing with siblings who picked on him.
We both came from troubled homes and neither of us when we met, were going to counseling, and had just began at that time.
After some time apart, I thought we could get back together and work things out. I felt guilty for breaking up with him and hurting him like I did. He didn't want to talk about things, he wanted to hang out as friends and see what happens. That ate at me because I couldn't just sit with that. My emotions and fears were getting the best of me. I wanted to talk. I'd mention something he said that bothered me and he said it was too serious to talk about at that time. We both had unexpressed emotions and needs that were not communicated and the past had not been cleared up and it was coming out sideways, in his attitude towards me and I was aggressive. I even told him that and he would say nothing. So it was a mess.
I just kept trying to hold on in a sense and clear up my end and instead I lost myself totally. I cleared up being aggressive towards him but instead held the anger in. I tried to remain strong and be friends and do things on his terms because I didn't want to let go. I'd get off the phone with him crying. I'd tell all my friends things he'd say and they'd tell me, let him go, he's being disrespectful or being an ass. I somehow either didn't hear them or justified it was becasue he had been hurt and if only we could talk, he'd get a chance to clear that up. I was afraid to loose the chance. I was very needy and desperate and I'm sure he realized it, and I'd start to realize it and then frantically try to fix that too. The more needy, the more he seemed to treat me poorly even as a so called friend.
I did this for two to three years. Until one day he told me we were not freinds, not to contact him anymore. Sounds pathetic. But it didn't end there. I was so upset. I knew on some deep level I should've walked away some time ago and I didn't. And here he was doing it. Here, I never did tell him all the times, even as freinds that he was talking to me like crap and I let him get away with it. I never did speak up all because I wanted that chance to talk and at that time thought, then I'd tell him about how he talks to me. I wrote him an email, told him I was in denial of how he treated me and that he didn't care about how I felt and how he treated me and that it was a gift he walked away. He came back and he said I had allot of balls (his exact words) blaming him. I wasn't blaming him. He never did want to take responsibility for anything that happened between us and at one time, I was willing to take it all on as my fault and I sure did display it that way.
No matter what happened though, I kept going back to him apologizing for my mistakes and botheirng him
This story above, I have recycled over and over again to anyone with two ears and because I keep coming up with different scenarios. I feel so guilty for the things i did wrong and the mistakes I made. If only I would've then I bet we could've. Had I only been blah, blah blah.....And now I'm paranoid I'm going to make these same mistakes with another guy.
Now that I realize I've made so many mistakes, I'm so self-conscious now that I don't feel secure of confident in even attracting a good guy let alone being able to keep one. I keep thinking it's just too hard. Too hard for me to be in a relationship. I make it hard too, look what I did to him at the beginning.
What is it going to take to make me get past all this. I feel so stuck. I cry. I'm miserable.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on January 19, 2012:
Oh, you lovely people! So many queries, comments and affirmations. I love it when you guys talk to one another on here as well because that is the best form of peer support.
I have a LOT of comments to moderate and will answer/comment on each one. Promise! I am just a tad busy right now and will address each one when I have time to do the responses justice. No half-assing around here folks! I will be back.
DCG on January 18, 2012:
That was beautiful
Momma on January 18, 2012:
What a gift!.....So refreshing to see so many posts and to know I am not alone in this struggle! I thought it was just me!...Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Justin on January 14, 2012:
Hmmm, I don't know how to start this. I am the person being pushed away. Or pushed out. I have been told and shown all sorts of wonderful things by this other person. She has shown me and given me so much. But then she'll change and start closing the door so to speak. Telling me how horrible she is what an evil witch she is. Those are her words. Other things as well. I haven't let her shut me out. I don't want to loose her. I am in love and find myself really wanting to be there for her. I mean hell, just thinking about her feeling and being this way makes me cry. And I am not one normally for tears. I've told her how I feel, she know's. To some degree I think this is why I am still apart of her life. But I believe it's also why she's pushing so hard. It's not easy, not by any means. We live 3000 kms apart. She's moving back in a few months for school. To finish her degree.I've watched her succeed and fail. And I see that a lot of it is her own doing. Choices she makes. She has a tendency to put herself into BAD situations. And then tell herself she is terrible and deserves this sort of thing. I feel like i'm loosing my train of thought here. This is hard to put into words. All I know is the harder she pushes the more I want to be there for her. I can't say that I haven't felt or at least thought about throwing the towel in. But, honestly I don't want to give up. Not on her. I really do love her and have very deep feelings.She's told me she really, really, really cares for me. And doesn't want to loose me, but then tries to shut me out again. She tells me she can't have a relationship right now. She needs to work on herself. And focus on school. I accept this. I understand that it is a good thing to heal and to focus on studies. And right now I think it would be better for the both of us to not be in a relationship. I really just want to see her succeed and to "win". So to speak. I am in love, I understand I may have to just put that aside and be her friend. I am able to do that. Really I just want the best for her. Even if that isn't me. I don't know, I thought maybe you could offer some advice. Thanks.
Laura Matkin from Laceys Spring, Alabama on January 13, 2012:
The only person you can count on really is yourself. No one is perfect people will let you down purna. Don't shut yourself in either you make mistakes as well, forgive yourself and forgive others.
I love this quote from the Hub
When someone says they like, love, respect, enjoy you...accept it! If you act like you don't deserve praise and love over and over people will take you seriously and leave. No one wants to invest time in a self-loather. You deserve love and good people deserve to be in your glorious presence! Let them in and believe the compliments they offer dumb-ass.
Love yourself and you can love and be loved by other people. Don't worry so much about what other people think about you. Be yourself, I am sure you are a great girl and a great friend. Stressing about what other people think of you, or what you did or said gives those people power over you. Be strong and have faith in yourself.
Do think about this stuff though....
Were you doing things to irritate your friend and boyfriend because you weren't happy with yourself or because you weren't happy with them or because you don't find that particular behavior annoying and didn't feel like accommodating them.....
purna on January 12, 2012:
I lost my female friend that I trusted the most. We had argument lately, and she was upset without leaving me an explanation when I asked her why she blocked me from facebook. I tried to solve it, I apologize, but she did not talk and I felt rejected. I just broke up with my boyfriend, three days ago, and I feel it that I tried to do things that I know will push him away.
After the disappointment with my best friend, I find it hard to trust other female friends. I had fear that I would be abandoned again. Now, my father is remarried again, and my step mother showed me that she cared when she saw me ill after my break up. I did not push her away because I felt good about it. I am happy that someone is at home, cook for the family, and that she is harmonious with my dad. I am grateful for my other friends who are supportive, but I push people that I perceive very unsupportive. I can just leave with peace but what I did with my ex was making him hate me more and more. I do not know what to do..
Gabbygirl on December 30, 2011:
It's very comforting to know that I am in good company with my dysfunction and that I am not alone.
I am in my early 40's, on the possible brink of divorce number 2 and have had lots of problems over the years with relationships. Like what was posted here way back, I think I give too much of myself (wearing my heart on my sleeve) and details of past and then get upset when either it isn't reciprocated or else that person I shared with hurts me, so I withdraw. I do have a habit of doing that to protect myself. I too was physically and emotionally abused as a child so I know that helps contribute to who I am today but I cannot use that as a crutch to explain away my dysfunctions now.
I am gleaning from the conversations discussed here that I really need to learn to love myself, warts and all before I can expect anybody else to. It's hard getting rejected though so I can understand why I and others here, retreat back into our shells when we feel that has happened. I know I want closeness but I am learning I want it on my terms and conditions only, that which will make me feel comfortable and confident and that really isn't fair to the other person in the relationship.
Once I can learn to get somewhat healthy inside myself, how I view myself, and also changing negative dialogue I do have about and with myself, then I can start dealing with my anger issues and other things that cause me to be unapproachable but yet wanting to be loved for who and what I am. I think we expect things from people that we aren't willing to give ourselves. It's a tough one but I want healing. Anything constructive that can be said to me here is very much appreciated. God bless.
aiemma on December 02, 2011:
Recently I asked this guy to go to my school's dance. I really liked him and was pretty sure he liked me too. My friends support helped give me the confidence to ask him, but the next day, I lost it all and began to push him away... I pretend to have a lot of confidence in myself on the outside. But just like you have written, I am really insecure on the inside. The thing is, I think that he is also insecure. I have liked him for four years. It's been on and off, but now I am a senior and am tired of waiting.
At my school, a lot of my classmates have called me, "perfect." I am in no way a super popular girl, but a lot of people respect me and find me cute and cool. The guy I like is also called perfect and he has a different group of friends, but we still hang out sometimes. We are both hard to approach at first.. and ever since I asked him, we have both been subtly avoiding each other. I have no idea what to do. Will having better self confidence really help this situation?
I feel like I'm trying to grab at thin air.. and the more I keep pushing him away, the harder it is for me to focus on school and my friends.I want to get closer, but I'm scared of scaring him off... but if I distance myself, he also distances himself. And when I pursue him, lately he has also been distancing himself. I asked a friend of his if I had a good chance, and he said I did. But nothing will happen if the guy I like keeps pushing me away.
I have never pursued anyone in my life, and I just wish I could have a better idea about how he feels about me. But I am terrified of rejection. I am so afraid to fail, that at times, I don't even try.. and at the same time, I know that I'm running out of time, and since I go to a small school, somehow a lot of people know about my feelings...
What can I do?
Billy on November 26, 2011:
Ok, here is an update on what is going on in my life. This younger woman was out of my life for a few months now, and I was on the brink of being over her and moving on with my life. Then one evening she texted me and asked how I was doing. I flipped out and decided to be cruel and told her, “When I first met you I thought very highly of you and I was very happy, but now I realize that caring about you was the second biggest mistake of my life.” Yeah I know saying that was terrible and I thought that it would make her mad enough that she would never talk to me again. Boy was I so wrong.
A few days later she called me up from an unknown number asking me why I had said those hateful words. I hung up right away, as it turns out my plan had backfired. For a few evenings after that incident we were fighting by sending text messages back and forth saying how much we hated each other. I was gentler about it, and man I never heard of such a foul mouth girl in my life…lol.
Now I am starting to have problems with her again. Every time she tries to contact me she has the objective of trying to either make me mad or jealous, which I am prone to both. I hate it because it takes me a long time to recover from it. I just don’t know what to do about her. I obviously still have feelings for her, and I shouldn’t, she is just wrong for me as I am for her. So there is my rant..lol.
I do have one question though. Why is it that young women or “girls” try and make their past interests jealous about their own infidelity? I believe that doing so is even more cruel than the general name calling. I would never flaunt that around to my exes something such as that is just a little too personal.
optimistic on November 22, 2011:
Sorry if im goin off topic but i read your story and loved it so i wanted to share my life story and was hoping To get some advice from you. Well im 21 years old and its so wierd like im so mature for my age as i've been told by older people. I only been in love once and that was 2 years ago..and she treated me like trash yet i didnt want to give up and went and gave her my heart for 2 years .. so since then i havent met anyone i could get along with. Im not the type that goes and runs after girls coz love finds you when you least expect it and love is the only thing that cant be found once looked for it finds you when your ready..But i find my self as im the one who gets pushed away often like all i want to do is love people with all my heart be there for them and care for them .. Yet girls my age dont want that and they end up pushing me away i just dont get it..
I dislike the society We live in nowadays as relationships have turned into a chain of hatered and revenge i mean a girl gets hurt by a boy and then the girl goes and hurts another boy for revenge i find it stupid and i do my best to stay away from that..
I dont get why girls like to be treated so bad and i can never accept a girl who loves me only cause i treat her bad its just wrong.. All i ever do is care for them and trust them i try to bring the good out of everyone yet i hear things like oh dont trust people much boys are all the same etc.. But then again its all these negative thoughts that goes on and corrupts everything and creates that stupid system of hatred because pain breeds yet more pain.. And i dont ever think i want to change i want to stay this way iam, ill let in anyone who wants to be close to me ofcourse ill know ill get hurt but then i dont want to build a shield around my heart and let ppl out i dont want to be weak.. I dont expect to climb up a mountain on the first go i may fall several times but if i fall once and give up saying all mountains are the same then i wont get to enjoy the view id get once im on top.. So i dont know if the way im goin on bout things are correct but i feel good bout it coz im not selfish and i always belive in love and think that love can conquer the world if you let it be.. But i just hope a day will come when everyone will respect one another trust and love one another for who they are coz there are no conditions in love.. When the world turns its back on you , you dont turn your back on it..
Thanks you once again sry if i went off topic thank you..
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on November 14, 2011:
Your screen name says a lot and I hope this recent occurrence of pushing love away has acted as a wake call! Yes, being scared screwed up your last relationship and now you look back and "wish" for a do-over but reality doesn't always allow this when trust has been shattered. Like it or not, you have hurt another person to the point where they more than likely will not want to risk trusting you again. Wouldn't you react the same way if you were in his shoes? Since this man has dusted himself off and found someone else to start over with it would be highly selfish of you to try to play the "should have-could have-would have" game with him now. Typically, emotionally healthy people do not return to the scene of a romantic disaster so if he has moved on but you haven't then logic would tell you who the healthy one is. Yes, it is painful but a lesson can be learned and I think you realize that.
I say this with great kindness; everything always looks more romantic when we are outside looking in but could it be possible that you needed this lesson more than the man? Take heart, if your goal is to truly become "human", which means you fully feel and give love and are honest about what you do and don't want then this experience can help you on your way. It is unlikely you will get another shot with this man but if you make the changes in yourself and truly have learned your "lesson" then something better will be waiting for you. I have no doubt about this so rather than waiting around moping for a love that wasn't healthy to begin with work toward finding a deep love for yourself because until you do the emotional pushing will continue and the lesson will be lost.
Sleepydreamer on November 12, 2011:
I push the man away because i was scared...i was unsure...i think too much...i wonder how he can be so sure early on...i do not want to hurt myself but instead end up hurting myself & him. Now he has moved on and is seeing someone. I cannot wish more than another chance with him..why did i only realise how much i like him after i lost him? I cannot kick myself enough. If he comes back, I'll grab him in a second because I do not want to let him go again and feel regrets. Can anyone understand the pain I am experiencing now? He makes me more 'human'..i cried more than i ever did...i understand now that i don't have to be strong always..i feel myself soften instead of always putting on a tough exterior..i now understand what it really means to appreciate whoever comes into yr life instead of taking people and things for granted. He makes me think about settling down...daring to love & let someone loves me in return..I had imagine life with him as his wife and having his babies..things i had never imagined with another man..for now...maybe it's not meant to be...maybe it happened for a reason(that i think is to make me realise things & self discover). I have learnt so much but i do not want to think that it's too late with him..i can only keep praying & wishing & waiting...for another chance with him..while i tell myself to stop crying...now i get these 'crying spells'. One moment I'm ok & the next my tears fell. I keep praying that i don't cry in public. Please God...if you hear me...please give us another chance. I have really learnt my lessons.
Elleasku (author) from In your imagination. on November 10, 2011:
Is it maybe that you crave and enjoy the hype provided by the men you say you aren't interested in so much that when you are around someone you'd like to connect with the reality can't live up to the fairytale you have built up in your head? The other guys talk you up and that feels great but keep in mind that they are trying to sell you something; themselves. You may not be interested in the others but they still serve a purpose to your ego and it is the ego that keeps us from seeing the simple joy of the truly kind and "nice guy" at times because we expect electricity and fireworks instantly. My question to you is this: Are you sure you are being authentically wonderful around your hype boys or is that just in reaction to compliments? If you run hot and cold and go all over the place emotion-wise then my guess would be it's an issue of self esteem. The behavior bothers you so try doing the opposite and see what happens...do it, you may be surprised.
Snap out of that fatalistic thinking right now! If you are attracting "losers" then take a look inside of yourself and figure out what it is about your current attitude that attracts them. If you typically act like life is shit then shit is what you will get back in return. The term "like attracts like" ain't just a cute slogan, it is true. If you believe you are a "complete a-hole" and unworthy of good things then is it really so surprising that negative, soul-sucking narcissists would flock towards you? You get what you give and if it is draining you emotionally and mentally then take a time-out for awhile and focus on you. Be your own best friend, love yourself enough to expect better because you deserve it.
You answered your own question very clearly. Your father wasn't there for you, he hurt you in the past so now you take your feelings about that and place them on every man you meet. All men are not like your dad so is it really fair to treat them all as if they will all turn out like him? You push men away because you fear getting close enough to care and if you care or, *gasp* LOVE then you may get hurt. That is what makes us human; we care, we love, we get hurt at times but does it kill us? No. You need to come to terms with the trust and fear of being hurt issues that started with your dad ASAP because until you do truly connecting with any man will be impossible.
GEN on November 07, 2011:
i always push away guys always at first ill really like them but once i have them idk i start to look at all there defects and i guess i find reasons why not to date them i think iam afraid of commitment since ive never really been in a real relationship ..my backround iwas raised by my mom and grandma.. my father was never really around always in and out of jail due to his gang involvment dont really have a relationship with my father i meen i stil love him but sometimes i think maybe thats why its hard for me to be in a relationship.. theres a really nice guy who i know is good for me but my first instinct is to push him away i know iam going 2 regret this.. please help me what is your perspective??
Kyle on October 30, 2011:
I push people away when I care enough about an issue I think is serious and some one else does not so I always attracted the *losers* who have no hope or unsure and push away those who once cared about me.
I try to talk to people about issues but that's when they turn away from me or if I share my negative feelings that are bottled up inside of me. :(
They wouldn't mind talking about their issues but I could never talk about mine unless I am being sarcastic or trying to have a sense of humor:
I seem to have to be a clown to be noticed until I get angry and then I lose people. It's a one extreme or another. God Damnit!
I am a complete a-hole and am not worthy of universal love but then again life would probably be boring if I could make a solid relationship because there would be no extreme feelings like excitement of the unknown. :( Just a *whatever* feeling.
symone on October 30, 2011:
When I am around men I am not interested in I am such a wonderful person, all they do is talk about how lucky the person who has my heart would be. On the flip side when I am with someone I like or who is interested in me I would be totally harsh to that person trying my best to push them away. The thing though is once they finally give up and leave it is then I start chasing behind them for the love the initially offered me and it’s at this point I am hurt because they refuse to give me the chance. I am tired of this behavior now, so tired ,especially now since it is constantly hurting me.