Michael Kismet has an I.Q. of 144. Michael also enjoys writing from time to time, in the pretentious, third-person sort of way.
The Ninja Way, or the Highway
If you have ever sat and pontificated over reasons why ninjas are better than girls, then congratulations, nowhere else on the Internet will you find the facts on why women aren't so great compared to a ninja. To celebrate my two months writing for Hubpages, I yearned, literally yearned to write something that has zero competition on search engines. I thought and I thought and tried searching for something I wrote to my girlfriend a few weeks ago, in jest.
I want to reiterate to the reader that it was meant as humor, and nothing genuinely hateful or malicious. It all started with a juvenile argument over the validity of ninjas being the most beloved entity in human history. Then, like a punch to the face, she utters the words that still reverberate inside my soul to this very day. "Ninjas are stupid".
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I'm supposed to marry her someday? How can I, in good conscience exchange vows with someone that thought ninjas weren't the best thing to happen to the color black? So, I took an hour to write her a cogent letter to express my overwhelming discontent with her flimsy beliefs regarding the great shinobi. And five logically sound facts as to why Ninjas were better than women(her), at friendships and relationships.
Ninjas are Better Than You
"Sweetheart, I love you, but you have this penchant of not really weighing the consequences of your words or actions. You said the one thing that can keep me up at night and could question if we're truly meant to be. You made a terribly insensitive, and most importantly untrue statement regarding ninjas. I need to know you were just kidding and that you're 100% pro ninja. But if you're still unconvinced, I want to give you five logically sound reasons why ninjas are better than you.(or women)"
#1 Ninjas Won't Keep You Waiting
Women have a horrible perception of time, when you're going somewhere that's not overly important for them, they'll be in the bathroom shouting "five more minutes" while you both should have been in the car half an hour ago. I'm pretty sure judging from my girlfriend's conception of time, she believes she'll live well over 400 years. Women can be highly inconsiderate when it comes to letting men wait.
Ninjas are trained exclusively in being exactly where they need to be when they need to be every single time, part of the occupation. Conclusive studies conducted in my friend's basement watching ninja movies have proven that ninjas are never late for any event. To a ninja, on time is late, and early is on time. If he's coming to assassinate you at a certain time, you can bet your life he'll be punctual. Ergo, women aren't as considerate as ninjas.
#2 Ninjas are Better Listeners
Women are constantly talking about what they want to talk about, never really letting you get a word in, edgewise. Personally, I've been on the phone with a woman and set it down to make a sandwich, without interrupting her to excuse myself, and 5-10 minutes later she was still going, none the wiser to my temporary exodus for a turkey club on wheat.
The main component of Ninjitsu training is complete silence. Ninjas have been known to go through dental surgery with no anesthesia of any kind without making a sound, except for the sound of their aura radiating with complete mastery of their reactions. Ninjas will stare fiercely into your eyes and listen to you complain about your commute home. Proof ninjas make better conversationalist.
#3 Ninjas Won't Eat Your Fries
Women like to not order food, but pick food off your plate. Even if you offer to get them their own beforehand. The usual reason they give is they want to watch their figure. Just once I wished I could express my feelings for not wanting to share food that was originally designated for my bowels.
Women are especially vulturous when it comes to deep fried potatoes. Women need to order their own food. Ninjas will never tap you while you're eating and hold up their index finger, indicating through body language that they'd like a french fry. Furthermore, ninjas don't ask for things, they don't ask for anything. Not that it could ever happen anyway, because ninjas have never once been documented, in the wild or captivity to actually eat.
The theory is that they have evolved through sheer willpower to forgo the unappetizing spectacle of consuming bio matter and digestion. Women will eat off your plate more ways than one. Evidence that recently surfaced confirms the fears of all in the obscure profession of ninja, female ninjas!
Ninja Women? Abomination!
#4 Ninjas Don't Go Shopping with Your Credit Card
When women are set loose to graze in a shopping mall with your platinum card, you can be sure their goal is to max out that sucker with every little knickknack and paddy whack money can buy. Additionally, women are impossible to shop for..everything bought prior to actually giving it to them is already out of style, or too tight or loose on them.
Ninjas don't believe in using credit cards, there is no debt that is unpaid by a ninja. If a ninja even possibly owes you payback, you can be damn well sure he'll pay in full, or at least make substantial payments towards the incurring debt. Shopping for ninjas are a breeze, Chinese throwing stars, anything black, smoke bombs, grappling hook, so on and so forth.
#5 Ninjas Aren't Constantly On Twitter
Women these days can't seem to distance themselves from social media, and to live and enjoy the moment. God forbid they don't check their Facebook every three minutes, to find out if a friend replied to something meaningless they posted. Dating a woman that is constantly tapping away at her smart phone is a major turn off.
Ninjas do not possess the constant thirst for attention, nor do they understand the utility of social media. Ninjas live in the moment, they do not dwell on the past, nor do they care to think of their future. If a ninja wanted to convey a message to you, he won't text or tweet you. To understand a ninja you must gaze into his eyes, just try not to get lost in them.
Ninjas Have a Good Sense of Humor
Please do not take anything read or viewed on this article seriously, it was all for a good laugh, nothing more, hope you enjoyed it, thanks for reading!
If there's anything else on ninjas worth knowing, or If you have any other comedic contrasts between ninjas and women, please do not hesitate to chime in, feel free to share this article with a friend and your social network!
© 2014 Michael Kismet
Sweet Potato Fries on August 26, 2019:
These are some sweet potato lies.
Squirt Squirt on August 20, 2019:
I'd like to point out that when I say I'll call you back in 5 minutes, I do. Except that one time. When I didn't call you back for a year and a half.
Barrington Williams from Philadelphia on September 16, 2014:
At least if I am taken out by a ninja there would be a chance of them being attractive lol
Michael Kismet (author) from Northern California on September 09, 2014:
I'm glad you chimed in Paula, I always enjoy your views on my views! I want to take this opportunity to say that women aren't as bad as I might have portrayed them, and women should not all be painted with the same brush. Women do have certain powers, which makes sense because they are very powerful beings! Some women use their powers for good, but I can imagine it must be tempting to have a little fun at the expense of men.
Thanks Paula, Shelly, for your feedback!
Suzie from Carson City on September 09, 2014:
Michael....Although you wrote this as humor, you may just have a valid point. Ninjas are just as sensible as any choice to prefer over women and who could argue with your reasoning?
With 4 sons under my belt (pun intended) I confess to having tried to keep them disinterested and unconcerned with female wizards as long as possible. Being one myself, I dreaded the thought of my poor darlings being consumed & controlled by the female super power, never again to be in charge of their own thoughts.
They may have learned a bit of my advice but basically it was useless in comparison to the attention they gave their "other" mother. You may know her. Mother Nature.....................Peace, Paula
Shelly NunChucks Ninja from worldwide on September 08, 2014:
awesome, love it!!