What to Do When Your Vacation Is Ruined by Godzilla

Updated on September 3, 2018
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Derek is a college student pursuing a quite useless degree, a Bachelor's in Jazz Studies. This is all the joy he gets out of life.

It's like a choose your own adventure, except scary!

Boy, Godzilla sure knows how to ruin a beach party. Up from the vast ocean, this slimy lizard makes his way towards the beach and all you can think is, "Can he breathe underwater AND above water?" As mind-boggling as that question may be, you need to think fast and pack up your beach-side picnic before the king of monsters steps on it and covers your food in sand, making it virtually inedible.

Godzilla is a big boy!

You packed up all of your finger sandwiches from your picnic. Now what?

RUN! You've already wasted so much time packing up your beautiful picnic that you're the last ones on the beach! As appealing as Japan's skyscrapers are, do not, I repeat, DO NOT climb to the top floor to get a better view of the abnormally large mutant. Godzilla is known for tearing them down. Some say it's because he hates things taller than him, but I posit it's because, since most skyscrapers are reflective, he's upset with who he's become: A MONSTER.

What you shouldn't do

You definitely shouldn't egg him on or taunt him and his silly walk, he's already obviously pissed because he has water stuck in his ear and can't get it out. Imagine the cost if that turns into an ear infection! Imagine the size of the cotton swab!

Pull out your trusty megaphone!

There's no conflict that can't be resolved by sitting down and talking through it. Time to get the comically large table and chairs out (don't forget your booster seat!). You've seen so much of the good doctor (Dr. Phil) that you immediately delve into his childhood. What events led up to him trashing Japan? Why is Godzilla so mad? You ask all these through your megaphone, but all you get in return are screams. You can tell you've pushed Godzilla's buttons and that he doesn't like the line of questions. Godzilla is so mad he's LITERALLY BREATHING FIRE! Back to the drawing board.

Build a second Tokyo

Call up all of your friends who were Art majors in college and put them to work. Don't worry about pay, artists love working for exposure, and what greater exposure is there than creating a second Tokyo with cardboard cut-outs and a matte painting backdrop! Unfortunately, Godzilla isn't even phased by it and takes out 5 skyscrapers and kills millions while your friends work on the backdrop. Luckily your friends' parents came to marvel at the wonderful work their children did!

Mothra???

Great, now instead of one monster dropping massive dueces all over the city (not to mention the murder of at least several people) there's a giant creepy moth flying around. Luckily the military disposes of that creepy crawly pretty quick! You thought you heard it someone mention that it's a goddess, but you shrug it off. You have much more important things to do.

GROSS!

This is it!

By this point, you've tried everything. You tried mocking him, reasoning with him, offering him a virgin sacrifice, nothing has worked. You have one option: scare Godzilla. Call up your art friends. They're hesitant at first since they're now in the hole $5,000 each for supplies and time spent working on the faux Tokyo backdrop, but you offer them all pizza. They are obviously hungry and emphatically accept your offer. You have them build a Godzilla plush toy.

Shield the young!

Despite it being lumpy and stuffed, Godzilla takes the bait, but he doesn't look too scared. In fact, his neck starts to swell and the spikes on his back start to grow, not to mention, he's packing heat... Oh God, Godzilla is horned up and ready to plow! It's too late to run. Godzilla has already started dry humping the plush and no amount of water spritzed in his face by the firehose will make him stop. You hear him cry out, signaling his earth-shattering climax. But there's nowhere to hide. A tsunami-like amount of semen is already raining from the skies. It blows holes through what buildings remain from its intense velocity. Satisfied, Godzilla drags his plush toy back into the depths of the ocean from whence he came. You did it!

You're the hero we needed

Despite being known as "The Cum-venger", the city is still destroyed and you're to blame for the now glazed Tokyo. You're thrown into jail for life. Bummer!

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