What Happens When You Watch Pornography
Photo by Rachael Ashe (http://flickr.com/photos/48600091752@N01)
A few people in my life have told me that they've never seen so-called "dirty videos" before, and I totally believe them. Maybe you are one of these people, as well.
Now, I know that if you truly are one of these untainted youths, you have an unusually strong will against curiosity and peer pressure; but just in case you are ever tempted with the allure of the forbidden, I've compiled a list of known, irrefutable facts about what happens when you watch such tasteless material, in order to discourage you from making what would perhaps be the biggest mistake of your entire life. Don't be drawn into this web of perversion!
Know that:
1 - If you watch it for more that 5.3 seconds, you are automatically addicted and there's nothing anyone can do about it. All you will want to do all day is watch it, and you'll never want to get any work done or go to school or see your friends and family ever again. In fact, you'll be so busy watching other, uglier people doing it, that you'll never want to have sex for real ever again.
2 - Speaking of which, because people in such videos are uglier and more gross-looking than usual, you will develop horrible taste in women (or men), physically speaking, and only go after ugly and gross-looking people without realizing how ugly and gross-looking they really are.
3 - The photons emanating from your computer screen will burn themselves into your eyeballs, etching an image of a guy's huge...love machine into your vision for the rest of your life, so that even when you're gazing at your mother's smiling face, you will see the image of a man's...baby-making engine across it. Always. Forever. No matter what.
4 - You will become desensitized because you saw so much of it and will thus become impotent, or...
5 - You will become desensitized to normal kinds of relations, and will automatically be drawn to more extreme, dangerous kinds of weird fetishes that could land you in prison or, worse, completely transform your wardrobe into consisting of nothing but nipple-less leather vests.
Fact: This will be you.
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6 - For the record: You will get pimples, go blind, and grow hair on your hands.
7 - Inevitably, there will be a Lifetime Original Movie filmed about your life as an addict, especially if your wife/girlfriend finds out.
8 - You might spread the addiction to others close to you, because addictions are contagious like diseases, especially to your wife or girlfriend, and she might decide she doesn't want to give you any attention anymore because she's too busy watching other people giving each other attention.
9 - Romance will no longer mean anything to you because we all know the only reason people bother with romantic endeavors is to get to the eventual physical gratification, since, besides watching other people on video, that's the only other way.
10 - You will develop the unrealistic expectation that women normally accept random rides from strangers on the street and that plumbers and electricians will show up to your door shirtless.
11 - Your penis will fall off.
12 - You will lose all your respect for women and start treating them like non-humans because adult material is always the most misogynistic thing to ever exist in the history of mankind and the universe ever. In fact, even the M/M kind with no women in it is misogynistic, too. Trust me.
13 - You will become a serial killer/rapist/arsonist because some serial killers/rapists/arsonists watch it, too.
14 - Your bodice-ripping romance novels won't seem as exciting as they used to be all of a sudden.
15 - You'll go to hell.
16 - You will inevitably waste hundreds of thousands of dollars on your addiction because there's nowhere to get it for free.
17 - You will likely be drawn into the sex industry yourself just to support your expensive habit, to the point where you'll eventually resort to watching your own videos so it doesn't cost you anything. And that's just gross.
18 - Everyone you meet will know about your addiction because people who watch such lewd material all day have visible physical signs, like a huge mark on the forehead or the back of the right hand with the numbers "69." Or something like that. Read the book of Revelations for more details, but I think I got it more or less right.
19 - Your family will disown you and society will turn its back on you because nobody else does it; it's only you and few weird people. That's why it's so hard to find, especially on the internet--it has such a tiny demographic.
20 - You might find out that everything in this list is made up. Or true. I forget which.
So spare yourself the pain and misery and don't yield to the temptation!
