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We Must End Mercury Retrograde: Push it Into the Sun

Writer, researcher, self-improvement advocate, alternative astrologist, and a firm believer that Mercury must be destroyed.

The Space Threat

Every few months it seems like there’s another asteroid hurtling within an acceptably close distance to Earth to write a clickbait article about. There’s even the occasional comet to get excited about. While these heavenly dangers get all the media attention because they wiped out the dinosaurs that one time, we steadfastly refuse to acknowledge the real threat that happens multiple times a year. Despite its occurrences. Despite the damage it causes. Despite the real danger it poses. Despite all of this, we refuse to discuss how to combat this ever-present threat!

What is Mercury Retrograde

All planets exhibit retrograde motion. Simply put, as the Earth travels around the Sun, other planets will appear to move backwards to their normal direction and those of the background stars. This abnormal motion was what led early astronomers to identify planets as a thing to being with as well as why they’re called planets. In scientific terms, retrograde motion is easily modeled, and predicted; so much so, we know exactly when each planet will exhibit retrograde motion.

While it seems simple enough in scientific terms, to the trained, untrained, or alternative astrology there is one thing they can all agree on: Mercury retrograde means danger, ill tidings, and bad time. If something bad happened to you or a loved one, it likely happened during these reoccurring periods of the year, especially if you discount all the times when something bad happened that didn’t occur during Mercury retrograde. While early astrologers attributed retrograde to affecting matters related to the Greek God Mercury, such as monetary or travel, unrigorous study has led us to understand it represents an existential threat to all that we hold dear.

Why it Must Be Stopped

In the days of yore, before rapid mass travel, global communications, and an all-consuming, never-ending demand for content you would most likely never hear about a crop failure in a remote part of Africa, a volcanic eruption the south Pacific, or an earthquake in Chile. In that way you would be protected from Mercury retrograde. As the old adage goes, what you don’t know can’t hurt you. The effects of Mercury retrograde were localized events affecting only a small percentage of people on Earth.

Now, Mercury retrograde has gone global and threatens us all! That earthquake in Chile has ramifications for London. The volcano can cause chaos in Kentucky. The crop failure will worry people as far afield as Vladivostok. With so much of the world dependent on travel, communications, and a global financial system, we are more at threat than ever of the catastrophic effects wrought by a wayward journeying Mercury. Where once it could affect a community, it can now affect the world.

The Plan

What can be done, you might ask? Plenty! We are an ingenious species with a burgeoning space program in need of a monolithic goal to achieve. Sure, we could colonize Mars, but realistically speaking, we already know how to do that. It’s just a matter of funding, willpower, and engineering. We need a goal that will radically alter humanity’s relationship with the heavens. We’re already looking at technology that can divert asteroids from striking Earth. We need to think bigger. We need to think planet. And, we need to think sending that planet into the Sun for the good of the universe.

You can’t have Mercury retrograde if there is no Mercury. We need to call upon our leaders, our scientists, and all those who will listen to start a grand crusade to rid our solar system of this messenger of the heavens. Only once it has been purified by the cleansing nuclear fusion of our Sun can we truly be safe once again.

Push Mercury into the Sun!

The Solar System today

The Solar System today

The Solar System with the threat removed

The Solar System with the threat removed

It’s About Sending a Message

This plan is not just about ridding us of this orbital menace; it’s about sending messages to the other planets out there. If you remember, all planets exhibit retrograde motion, which gives them all opportunity to cause chaos on our lives. This is not something we should tolerate. No, by forcing the other six planets (along with Pluto and Kuiper belt objects) to watch as their brother is erased in the fiery inferno, we will demonstrate to them what happens when you cross humanity. Venus has been getting ideas above its station, and it needs to know what happens when you cross the line. Humanity will not tolerate dissent from our solar system anymore. Let Mercury’s demise be a lesson to the universe.

In closing, Mercury delenda est!