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Valentine Poems for People You Secretly Dislike

Rochelle Frank wrote humorous bits for her college newspaper many years ago. Her funny observations have continued in print and online.

Are you thinking of sending Valentine’s Day wishes to those you love to hate? Feb 14th is a great time to show a special kind of recognition to people that rub you the wrong way. With these (somewhat) sentimental-sounding verses you can espress your passive aggression in a decorative and fanciful way.

Copy these rhyming thoughts into cheap hand-made, hand-drawn cards which might well be shredded and immediately discarded-- as they deserve to be.


For Your Loving Approval

I came to you for renewal, and the wait was very long.
And when I finally had the chance

My answers seemed all wrong.
Your questions were confusing,

So I guess I’ll buy a bike.
Why do I send a Valentine to someone I don’t like?

(To the Department of Motor Vehicles /License Renewal Division)

The Root of My Pain

Only you can uproot the pain
So deep in an osseous zone.
My memory will still remain
Of how you pained me to the bone.

I could not speak; I could not cry
I was blinded by the light.
I could not look you in the eye,
I couldn’t even bite.

You said the pain I soon would forget;
I’d lose the urgent urge to kill
As if we’d never, ever met,
Or heard the whirring drill.

(To The Endodontist -- Root Canal Dentist.)


My Beating Heart.

Ka-thump Ka-thump, but it’s not my heart,
It’s only a wheel on a grocery cart
Broken, perhaps, by overuse
By someone seeking catsup or juice.

In the merchandise aisles I find that I’ve missed
Two of the things on my long grocery list.
But now it’s too late; I’m standing in line.
I don’t want to walk back to aisle twenty-nine.

I want to get home and get started with dinner
They might miss the butter, but maybe get thinner.
This store has the stuff that nobody needs
Get rid of the toys and the carnival beads.

Get rid of the knick-knaks and kitchen decor
There are shoes and clothing right over next door.
This unneeded stuff has diminished my mood
I made my way in here just looking for food.

(To the grocery store manager.)


Hearing Your Call for Love

I’ve heard your call at sundry times to donate for research or charity
Your call is inconvenient and the cause that you push lacks clarity
You want to send me messages like love notes for your cause
So I can send you money, and get your great applause.

Suspicion creeps into my mind when you call me “Mam”,
Something in the way you talk tells me it’s a sham.

If you’re who you say you are, or if you are legit,
Your consortium is unknown to me, I wish that you would quit.
But I will give to whom I chose, your methods are appalling
Now just take me off your list and I’ll thank you to stop calling.

(To the scammy telephone solicitor.)


Disclaimer: I hope this is taken in the spirit it was intended, not to be mean and negative, but to realize that certain individuals and entities need whatever bit of love and recognition we can muster up, however slight it may be.

Some of my favorite people were born on Valentines Day— I really have nothing against sentimental and loving thoughts., especially for those who truly deserve them.
All others can stuff their valentines in the shredder.

© 2018 Rochelle Frank


Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on February 15, 2020:

Thank You Brenda. Fun is almost always appropriate.

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on November 29, 2019:

These were quite amusing.

I always wondered if appropriate to send a card..now I know it can be loads of fun.

Thanks for your inspiration. (All in fun.)

Yes, Kari has the right idea...the cable company.

I sent them one of my own..i cut the chord - Antenna only.

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on February 07, 2019:

I appreciate the comments. If you are sending any of these feel free to edit or add.

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on April 17, 2018:

Thank you, Red Elf. I should probably get caller ID but sometimes it is fun to just turn them down.

RedElf from Canada on April 17, 2018:

I am having a Rochelle day - thanks again, I have often groped for the right words with which to bless a telemarketer - now, thanks to you, I have them.

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on April 01, 2018:

Thank you, Peggy. You are always very kind

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on April 01, 2018:

This was funny to read and I liked your art accompanying these Valentine sentiments. Good job!

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on March 07, 2018:

Thank you B. Leeekey. I think gentle jabs are permitted.

Brian Leekley from Bainbridge Island, Washington, USA on March 07, 2018:

Rochelle, those are my sentiments exactly sometimes.

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on February 19, 2018:

Thanks for the read, the laugh and the nods.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on February 19, 2018:

I love the spirit of this article. You had me laughing from the title, and nodding my head all the way through it.

Kari Poulsen from Ohio on February 11, 2018:

Hahaha, I do understand. :D

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on February 10, 2018:

Thanks k@ri... and that's a good suggestion. I halfway wrote one to impolite drivers-- but couldn't seem to complete it without using impolite language.

Kari Poulsen from Ohio on February 10, 2018:

LOL! I loved these poems. You need to write one for the cable /internet providers. These are so clever!

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on February 09, 2018:

Thank you Alicia, very kind of you to comment.

Linda Crampton from British Columbia, Canada on February 09, 2018:

These are creative Valentine's Day poems. They are very appropriate gifts for certain people! I love the illustrations, too.

Rochelle Frank (author) from California Gold Country on February 08, 2018:

Maybe so... thanks for reading.

Robin Carretti from Hightstown on February 08, 2018:

I hear ya and hear this call everything for holidays gets to hype we need to celebrate perhaps in our own way to save the day

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