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Valentine Poems for People You Secretly Dislike

Rochelle Frank wrote humorous bits for her college newspaper many years ago. Her funny observations have continued in print and online.

Are you thinking of sending Valentine’s Day wishes to those you love to hate? Feb 14th is a great time to show a special kind of recognition to people that rub you the wrong way. With these (somewhat) sentimental-sounding verses you can espress your passive aggression in a decorative and fanciful way.

Copy these rhyming thoughts into cheap hand-made, hand-drawn cards which might well be shredded and immediately discarded-- as they deserve to be.


For Your Loving Approval

I came to you for renewal, and the wait was very long.
And when I finally had the chance

My answers seemed all wrong.
Your questions were confusing,

So I guess I’ll buy a bike.
Why do I send a Valentine to someone I don’t like?

(To the Department of Motor Vehicles /License Renewal Division)

The Root of My Pain

Only you can uproot the pain
So deep in an osseous zone.
My memory will still remain
Of how you pained me to the bone.

I could not speak; I could not cry
I was blinded by the light.
I could not look you in the eye,
I couldn’t even bite.

You said the pain I soon would forget;
I’d lose the urgent urge to kill
As if we’d never, ever met,
Or heard the whirring drill.

(To The Endodontist -- Root Canal Dentist.)


My Beating Heart.

Ka-thump Ka-thump, but it’s not my heart,
It’s only a wheel on a grocery cart
Broken, perhaps, by overuse
By someone seeking catsup or juice.

In the merchandise aisles I find that I’ve missed
Two of the things on my long grocery list.
But now it’s too late; I’m standing in line.
I don’t want to walk back to aisle twenty-nine.

I want to get home and get started with dinner
They might miss the butter, but maybe get thinner.
This store has the stuff that nobody needs
Get rid of the toys and the carnival beads.

Get rid of the knick-knaks and kitchen decor
There are shoes and clothing right over next door.
This unneeded stuff has diminished my mood
I made my way in here just looking for food.

(To the grocery store manager.)


Hearing Your Call for Love

I’ve heard your call at sundry times to donate for research or charity
Your call is inconvenient and the cause that you push lacks clarity
You want to send me messages like love notes for your cause
So I can send you money, and get your great applause.

Suspicion creeps into my mind when you call me “Mam”,
Something in the way you talk tells me it’s a sham.

If you’re who you say you are, or if you are legit,
Your consortium is unknown to me, I wish that you would quit.
But I will give to whom I chose, your methods are appalling
Now just take me off your list and I’ll thank you to stop calling.

(To the scammy telephone solicitor.)


Disclaimer: I hope this is taken in the spirit it was intended, not to be mean and negative, but to realize that certain individuals and entities need whatever bit of love and recognition we can muster up, however slight it may be.

Some of my favorite people were born on Valentines Day— I really have nothing against sentimental and loving thoughts., especially for those who truly deserve them.
All others can stuff their valentines in the shredder.

© 2018 Rochelle Frank

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