Tents Are Not Soundproof !!
I have camped under canvas and also in caravans for many years, and during those years I have heard , seen, and smelled things I could have well lived without.
Here´s my top 7 list of no no´s for those who forget that tents are not soundproof, and
that they are sharing space with others who may have escaped to the countryside for peace and tranquility, not your noise and disturbance.
And who may find your noisy kids..your yapping dog..your family disputes, your strip washes, and your god damned generator..more than they can handle.
Ignore these No No´s at your peril !!
My hopefully lighthearted take on
How not to be the neighbour from hell when camping under canvas.
Are They Having A Good Time ?
In And Around Your Tent
Problem - Domestic Dispute
Ok we all have them from time to time, and it´s easy for tempers to flare, especially if ..
A.One of you would rather be poked in the eye with a sharp stick than Consider a self catering holiday..especially under canvas to be a holiday rather than bad Karma from a previous life coming back to bite you on the bum.. Or
B. It has poured down with rain from five minutes after you pitched your tent and hasn´t let up for two and a half day´s of your precious weeks holiday. The weather mans telling you it´s set to continue for the next three days at least , and you are stuck in your tent with four other soggy individuals, three of whom are your children, who have by this time already started to go stir crazy with pent up energy they can no longer contain, and are driving you and the people in tents around you to the point of no return.
A. Never ever talk someone into going camping against their wishes. If your partner is high maintenance or even low maintenance but in need of pampering, a self catering holiday is the last thing he or she will have on their wish list. And lets face it, you either love or loath camping / the great outdoors / nature in the raw , etc etc.
B. Take the kids out..anywhere will do. Ok it will cost, but at least they won´t end up strangled, or divorcing you as parents for subjecting them to weird practises . Some kids don´t like camping either, specially ones addicted to designer everything and electronic " shoot em up" games .Taking your family out will not only improve their mood, but will also give your neighbours a break from their incessant whinging and whining and the all too familiar refrain of " I´m bored " or " I hate it here " repeated at two minute intervals...Remember
You may be used to their racket, and probably don´t even notice the decibels rising, but don´t impose it on others who came for a relaxing and peaceful holiday in the countryside. please.
TENTS ARE NOT SOUNDPROOF AND YOUR NEIGHBOURS DON´T WANT TO HEAR IT
And believe me when I tell you that those whispered hisses of accusation can be heard loud and clear by the folks in the next tent..and possibly half the campsite on a still night. As can threats of dire consequences to your children.
Do Not Send Your Kids Out To Play At The Crack Of Dawn
Just because you want a little more sleep and the monsters are up and raring to go. Have you any idea just how annoying it is to be woken up by your neighbours kids bouncing a football right outside your tent in the early hours of the morning..well let me put you straight - Very annoying..And If it happens to me one more time I shall not be held accountable for my actions..they´re your kids , don´t inflict them on strangers.
Do Not Allow Your Dog To Run Amok
Camping site´s which allow dogs usually have a strict set of rules, EG. Dogs must be kept on their leash at all times..This applies to everyone. Ok your family pet may be the most well behaved and people friendly mutt on planet earth, but the fact remains that some people are actually frightened of dogs, and one running about all over the place could ruin their holiday. They are also more likely to poop somewhere you don´t know about so cannot pick up after them whilst off leash, and male dogs do love to pee up some ones tent..would you like it if this happened to your tent ?
If your dog is a barker or yaps and whines a lot, or becomes very territorial the moment he arrives on site he or she will very quickly get on your neighbours nerves just like your kids bouncing a football outside their tent early in the morning.
Acceptable Torchlight Performance
Showing Off Your Skills In The Sleeping Bag
Not only are tent´s not soundproof, thereby allowing your grunts , groans, sighs, squeals, and give it to me baby, to be heard by all and sundry. If you inadvertently leave a torch or lantern shining as you perform your version of " The karma Sutra " You are likely to be spotted by at least one person wondering past your tent to get to the toilet block, or their own tent.
This can be highly embarrassing both for the innocent passer by, and also you and your partner..especially if word has got round and an audience has gathered and start to cheer when the performance has reached a crescendo and the final curtain has come down..so to speak. You may even be unlucky enough to see they are holding score cards up, like they do in ice skating, and if you only scored a 7-5, 6-4, 7-6..your ego may never recover !!
Now whilst using your torch or lantern to entertain your kids with various hand contortions to produce shadow Rabbits or flying bird´s is acceptable. Exposing your neighbours to a free peep show is not. It´s just too hard to explain it to the kids !!
If the torch or lantern was left on intentionally as you like to show off your bedroom prowess, do us all a favour and join a club, there must be hundreds out there, all you have to do is google !!
Just Get Him Drunk Enough - He Will Agree To Taking The Kitchen Sink !!
Everything But The Kitchen Sink
During my Camping under canvas day´s, before we were fortunate enough to be able to buy a caravan. I felt lucky just to have a tent with a separate kitchen comparment, Inflatable air beds, No leaks, and a 2 ring gaz stove and a stand to put it on .
These days it seems some campers are not happy unless they can transport almost half the contents of their home, or mini versions of.
If you see someone rolling in to the camping section of the site you are using, with a car full of kids and dogs, towing a massive trailer, and obviously intending to set up camp next to you, my advice would be to..
A. Quickly dot your face with bright red lipstick and run round screaming you have caught something highly contagious with no known cure..OR
B. Quickly de-camp and move to another spot, because chances are that apart from all the kids and dogs, your new would be neighbours have brought all the modern electrical appliances known to man, and if there´s no electric hook up, a noisy generator to power them all.
And quite honestly, the put put put noise of a generator along with the fumes they emit can quickly, very quickly, drive you to distraction, and that´s even before they switch on the TV..The mini washing machine.. The microwave..The sound system..And the gadget for blowing up the supersized air beds !!
And the parable of this story is. If you are a camper who can´t live without the gadgets, please at least find a site with electric hook up´s, so your neighbours don´t have to suffer the noise and fumes from your Genny.
No Nudity Please - We Are British
The Toilet And Washroom
Now it has to be said that in general we British don´t go a lot for nudity , with the odd exception, and they can go to naturist campsites as far as I´m concerned.
Some visitors from outside the UK have a totally different view on nudity, and don´t realise that´s it´s really very embarrassing for us when we walk into the toilet and shower blocks to find someone wearing nothing more than the skin they were born in, having a strip wash at the hand basins.
It gets even worse when suddenly halfway through cleaning your teeth, a leg gets hoiked up onto the lip of the sink next to the one you are using and bit´s that should never be exposed in public, get a good old scouring....Please all you visitors from abroad
" Yes , you know who you are !! " Beg , borrow , or steal the money to take a shower, and make sure you shut the blooming door too.
Just to prove I´m Not The Only Grumpy Old Woman - Please Take a Moment To Answer These Questions
Adult only - Naturist - Dog Free /Dog Friendly Camping Sites
There are many listings on the Internet for camping sites. All will give you information regarding sites in the UK you may wish to visit, either with your tent or caravan. Here are just a few to get you started.
Adultcampsites.com. Ukcampsite.co.uk. 365campingcaravanning.com. Adultonlycampsites.co.uk.
All the above will also give information on naturism campsites and dog or no dog allowed sites too.
Your comments and votes are always really appreciated, so please do feel free to leave them. Thank you :)