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The Tale of the Phallic Hoodlum of Moss Creek Apartments

Finding new and interesting ways to spend my time is always fun!

It all happened here, in this hidden paradise of Garden Grove, California.

It all happened here, in this hidden paradise of Garden Grove, California.

It was a gloomy, mostly-cloudy day in Garden Grove, California, and the tenants of Moss Creek Apartments were sitting cozily at home. The birds in the aviary were silent, and the office was busy filling and filing complaints. No one was expecting there to be evil afoot in this hidden paradise better-known for its beautiful scenery.

Alas, the ignorance of the tenants therein would not change the fact there was a devious defacer lurking somewhere, and that foul creature was looking for its next mark. Little did I know, the target that this monster was looking for would be found on the back window of my car!

The Scene Was Gruesome

It was about four in the afternoon when I made my way downstairs to take out the garbage, and boy was I excited to have that garbage out of the house. The smell of diapers and old kale filled my nose as I trotted through the parking lot to the dumpster, and when I turned to look at my car as I always do, I couldn't help but gasp for my life. A gruesome scene assaulted my eyes, and my heart nearly came to a full stop.

There was a phallus drawn onto the back of my vehicle!

"Not a phallus, of all things. Oh, God, why?! Why have you forsaken me?!" I screamed as I fell to my knees, spilling trash all over my legs and the ground. Just as my crying drama I played out for all to see was reaching its peak I received a call from Moss Creek Apartments' managing company.

As if to spit upon the grave of my hopes and dreams for a phallus-free life, another tenant had reported the defacement. It would seem they were as baffled by this egregious phallic art as I was, but my suffering was not going to end there.

I cried like a baby, I tell you. I sobbed at the sight of the phallus.

I cried like a baby, I tell you. I sobbed at the sight of the phallus.

I Became the Prime Suspect

Upon picking up the phone, there was a strong Italian accent on the other side of the line, "Mr. Falk, we have been made aware that there is a phallus drawn on the rear of your car."

I could feel it already, their scrutinizing eyes gazing up and down the shaft of this phallus that was plaguing my waking life, and their mind filling to the brim with the ideas as to the culprit.

"O-oh, yeah? I'm currently staring at it myself. Please, have mercy upon me, for I am not to blame for this sacrilege!"

"Too late for that, I'm afraid, the overlords of Moss Creek have been made aware of this blasphemy and you shall be judged accordingly," her voice reverberated through my skull causing the hair on my arms to stand straight up.

"No," I screamed into the phone, "no, you cannot cast judgement upon me, for I am innocent of this phallic mural!"

There was a brief silence, and a single tear fell from my eye as she intoned, "Goodbye, Mr. Falk."

My death will never be avenged, and the truth will never see the light of day.

My death will never be avenged, and the truth will never see the light of day.

And Suddenly...

With the beeps of having been hung up on now signaling from my phone, I knew this was the end for me. Moss Creek Apartments' management team was going to dispose of me, and there was nothing I could do. A loud crash was heard behind me, and a billow of debris and dust rose toward the sky.

"Oh my God," I shrieked loudly, and as the smoke dissipated I began to see the silhouette of something through it.

"What is that?!" I yelled in shaking surprise.

Dare I even say it? Should it even be mentioned, lest more chaos be rendered unto mankind? It was a phallus, a giant phallus at that, and it had crushed my entire apartment into nothing but rubble.

I wasn't sure whether to stand with my mouth agape in awe of this glorious, horrendous sight now before me, or to run and check if my girlfriend and son were still living. However, it was too late for any action, because a phallus fell from the sky right onto the top of my head.

It's Raining Men? Hallelujah?

My head began to swell immediately, and the force of a phallus having flopped upon my head made me dizzy.

"Slap-slap, slap-slap, slap-slap," the slapping sounds of falling phalluses now filled my ears, and I was soon being bombarded by flying phalluses. All around me it was raining these meaty objects, and I was helpless to stop it. To my dismay, and in only a few seconds, I was buried in a pile of phallic flesh.

"B-but, I didn't do it..." were my dying words.

The culprit may never face justice for their phallic crimes.

The culprit may never face justice for their phallic crimes.

Cleaning up Their Mess

I didn't live to find out who my murderer was, the phallic hoodlum of Moss Creek Apartments struck hard and fast, and the public who witnessed the raining phalluses would quickly be pacified. My suffering under phallic oppression, my tragic death-by-phallic-bombardment, led to the ushering in of a new era. It only cost them my life, but they cleaned up their mess quite fast.

Moss Creek Apartments' overlords stood over the pile that my lifeless body was beneath, the phalluses began to squirm across the ground, and slithering up their legs the phalluses absorbed back into their human-like bodies.

"Perfect," the head overlord exclaimed, slapping the flapping sack of a stray phallus as it enmeshed into its neck, "the time has come to enact project phallus. Execute order sixty-nine!"

With a snap of her fingers, the overlord turned everything around it into a large, fleshy phallus. News broadcasters from across the world extolled their new phallic overlords, and Moss Creek Apartments became the capitol for all phallus-kind.

A new era of phallus-based dominance, and world peace is now all humankind knows.

The End...?

Well, I hope you enjoyed my little satire piece about my recent experience here at Moss Creek Apartments. I also hope you have learned never to deface someone's car with phalluses, lest you cause someone to suffer. Although, I did find the juvenile prank to be hilarious and figured I'd just leave it.

My mistake for thinking a humorous approach would be alright, as I was reported by another tenant due to the defacing on the back of my car, and without investigating the managing company for Moss Creek Apartments claims to have submitted paperwork on the matter. It is always upsetting to hear an investigation's findings were submitted before all parties were consulted.

Nonetheless, I'm still trying to find the humor in the matter, and I hope you all enjoyed this little humor piece! If not, well, you're probably the type of person to have the time to report people for drawings in the dust on their car.

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