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The Art of Saying Sorry

I value ugly truths over glistening lies, especially when the ugly truth forces me to be better.


I've heard the phrase over and over again, just as I'm sure you have, that disgustingly sly tool of a phrase, "I'm sorry", and today I would like to teach you how to use that slimy, manipulative, utilitarian phrase to your advantage. The reason I want to teach you this is not so you learn to apologize, no, but so you can learn who isn't apologizing to you. This is an anti-moral lesson for the sake of the future, and I hope you enjoy as much as you learn from it.

Step 1: Getting Caught

Well here we are again, you've been caught as is so inevitably the case, and we need to start running through the motions. Most people aren't terrible, disgusting individuals who need to hide away their true selves in order to progress through life, but you are! You've been here before, but this time you aren't going to panic.

Panic is your worst enemy, you need to look calm, calmness is the sign of an innocent individual with nothing to hide. That being said, temporarily, people think you have been caught doing something you shouldn't have. Time to inconvenience yourself further, and say sorry.

It's Easy!

Terrible people get away with evil on the backs of apologies and flowery words. The public is all too keen to eat the words and consequences of others, so long as it sounds like a delectable word soup.

— Kyler J. Falk

Step 2: Don't Say Sorry

"B-b-b-but you just said to say sorry!?"

Yeah, I did, so shut up and listen because this is the pivotal moment in your meager offerings. There is a key to saying sorry, and that key is never admitting guilt. This can be extremely confusing to the naive and simple, but I'm sure you can grasp the concept if you step outside your own perceptions for a second.

Let's say you are the president of the United States, and you just got caught ordering the torture of one-hundred foreign civilians that produced nothing of value. These citizens have to now be killed or released, and video just surfaced of the treatment you subjected them to, as well as someone in your cabinet "accidentally" leaking the classified orders to the media. Luckily, the public is ignorant and easily swayed so let's get in front of the cameras immediately.

You're Easy!

The public is like clay, and your words are the hands that will shape them. Be gentle, but firm, and always keep them pliable.

— Kyler J. Falk

Here is your apology, verbatim, and this will work for any situation you face. Do not break from the script:

"There have been a lot of allegations recently, against my peers, actors at large, and against myself. We are looking into these egregious allegations with the utmost attention to sensitive detail, and plan to resolve every issue as soon as possible. On behalf of all involved, we did not live up to the high standards we set out for ourselves in every endeavor and we will be striving for excellence from here on out. Thank you for your patience and understanding."

Cue your immediate exit, stage left, do not make eye contact with your audience and try to keep your head held low as if you were ashamed of yourself. Congratulations, you just won over the majority of these imbeciles, but this inconveniencing isn't done just yet.


Final Step: Cause a Raucous

Now that you have made a false apology, the time has come to draw attention from the fact you have no plan, whatsoever, to live up to your vague words. I don't care how you do it, the time to stir up the veil of figurative smoke is now upon you. No matter what you have to do, ensure everyone's attention, even that of your victims, is now somewhere else.

It's All Easy!

There is no better mask than that of being victimized in the face of the aggression of others. While they go on the offense, loud and proud, you pull strings in the shade of the smoke they're billowing.

— Kyler J. Falk

Nothing pisses off your aggressors more than when you take on some generous, kind, philanthropic venture to use as a veil to cover your evil nature. This is also assuming you aren't powerful enough to go start a "non-war" in another country for an expressed noble cause, nor have a powerful friend kill off a large target to get the gnashing teeth of the media off your tail. You can always count on the veil of empathy to pull the wool over the public's eyes, especially when most of those you wish to convince are able to observe you "changing your ways", as you are cracking up with evil laughter in your head.

Who could be angry with the gentle individual reading to foster children, or the empathetic soul visiting war-torn Gaza with a massive film crew to prove it!?



Well you've followed my step-by-step guide to saying sorry, and now you're ready for any possible situation that may require you to brush off guilt and consequences. Always remember that the goal is not to accept a guilty verdict in order to win over everyone around, only to get away with murder and any other scheme you've gotten caught in! I mean, the results of it are the same and most people are too dumb to know the difference!

Even better, the same people who brought these allegations against you in the first place will now tout you as the hero if you played your cards right. Sit back, have a beer with your cohorts, and laugh at the fools getting crushed beneath your throne as they carry it with a smile!