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Stupid Nursery Rhymes

Nursery rhymes are stupid. I don’t get why kids should listen to them.

Take the song “On Top of Spaghetti” for example.


On top of spaghetti,

All covered with cheese,

I lost my poor meatball,

When somebody sneezed.


The average size and weight of a meatball is about 2 inches and 22 grams (that’s not including the cheese covering it). Meanwhile, an average sneeze accelerates from 0 to 100 mph in 1 second, which can expel about 20 grams of matter. But in order for the sneeze to do that, the source of the sneeze should be at least a few inches from the object being expelled. This means that the face of the person who sneezed is only a few inches from the writer’s plate of spaghetti. This demonstrates wrong social conduct that children shouldn’t be exposed to.

It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

According to Newton’s First Law of Motion, every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. The object (the meatball) tends to remain in a state of motion (rolling) unless an external force (the floor) is applied to it. This nursery rhyme clearly defied the laws of Physics when the meatball continued to roll despite the floor being applied to it. This will mislead our children.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush,
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.

Any kind of bush that can turn a meatball to mush is definitely not a safe species of bush to be planting around in your garden, especially with kids running around. What kind of sick bastards would plant something like that with a kid in the house?

The mush was as tasty
As tasty could be,
And then the next summer,
It grew into a tree.

This has gone too far! You plant a dangerous species of bush in your garden and then you ask your kid to taste a pile of mushed meatball that rolled on the ground! Then you tell senseless lies about the mush growing into a tree! What kind of person would do such a thing?

The tree was all covered,
All covered with moss,
And on it grew meatballs,
And tomato sauce.

My goodness! Now you’re giving drugs to your kid so that they hallucinate about trees bearing meatballs and tomato sauce as fruit? FYI, meatballs come from animal carcasses and tomatoes come from plants and need to be processed first before it turns to tomato sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
Hold on to your meatball,
Whenever you sneeze.

Why not cover your nose instead, genius?

© 2018 Raige Maglalang

Comments

Raige Maglalang (author) from Philippines, UAE on July 08, 2018:

Thanks, Roshena. I'm glad you liked it.

Yeah, I actually meant to be sarcastic with this. Dissected a nursery rhyme just for laughs. Kinda reminded me of the days when people backmasked cassette tapes to look for hidden demonic messages on some songs. It's messed up.

Roshena from Baguio City, Philippines on July 08, 2018:

I like nursery rhymes :) I think kids don't actually understand what they sing, these songs are just made for them to practice their speech. It's funny how you write this one though.

(I'm trying to locate the like button but anyways, thumbs up :)

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