Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.
This hub is rated GA, for geriatric audiences only.
Now that I am as older than the speed limit, I have come to appreciate senior humor and quotes. I am not quite a senior yet, but since I am taking advantage of senior discounts and time is flying so fast, I thought I'd get a head start with the senior jokes. I want to laugh all the way to the rocking chair.
You Know You're Getting Old When...
- Your social security number only has three digits.
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle & start singing "Kumbaya."
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- At parties you attend, the prime topic of choice is "regularity."
- You can live without sex but not your glasses.
- Your ears and your nose have more hair than your head.
- "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there." - George Burns
- When you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- When you look in the mirror one day and realize you look like the photo on your Costco card.
Old is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Old is when you go to smooth the wrinkles in your hose, and you realize you're not wearing any.
My Forgetter and My Remember-er
Often times I walk into a room, say "What am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain a zero is my score.
At times I put something away where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from generally is me!
When shopping I may see someone, say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "Who the heck was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better while my remember-er is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy and that isn't any joke.
My forgetter's getting better but my rememberer is broke, to you that may seem funny but to me, that is no joke. For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there," and, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer!
What's For Dessert?
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."
Somebody Get the Door
One evening, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch of the retirement home. One man said to the other old man, "You know, Albert, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good."
As the man said this, he knocked on the wooden chair beside him. "Actually, as sharp as ever."
After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door, or do I have to do it?"
Terms of Endearment
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old many hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Dying for Chocolate Chip Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, and crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those." she said, "They're for the funeral."
One early evening a police car pulled up in front of Grandma Marge's house, and Grandpa Stanley got out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the neighborhood park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Stanley", said Grandma Marge. "You've been going to that park for over thirty years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to his wife so that the policeman couldn't hear, Grandpa Stanley whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Married Four Times
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her to tell him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
The woman had to think hard for a bit then gave her answer with a smile. "I married my first husband in my 20s, he was a banker. Then in my 40s, I married a circus ringmaster, and in my 60s a preacher. And now in my 80s a funeral director."
Astonished, the interviewer asked why she married men with such diverse careers.
With a twinkle in her eye, she explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A Perfect Marriage?
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about it.
For all of these years the old man had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was moved to tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 60
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It
Still On the Road
A group of senior citizens was exchanging notes about their ailments:
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
Jake and Bessie
Jake and Bessie found each other in their old age. He was 92, she 89. They decided to get married and they were so excited. One day the engaged couple went to a local pharmacy.
Jake ran into the owner and said, "Pardon me, sir, are you the owner of this establishment?"
"Yes I am," said the man.
"Well, I was wondering if you sell heart medication here?"
"Yes sir, we do."
"And how about medication for arthritis, Parkinson's and jaundice?"
"Yes, we sell those too."
"And do you also sell Geritol, Dentucream, and reading glasses?"
"Yes sir, we sell all that stuff."
"And how about wheelchairs, canes, and walkers, do you sell those too?"
"Yes sir, we sell all those things and more."
Jake said, "Good because I am going to marry this lovely lady here and we would like to register to get our wedding gifts here.
Seventy-year-old Viola Peabody went to an ear, nose, and throat specialist because she was having difficulty hearing. While the doctor checked her ears he asked her lots of questions.
"Tell me, when do you think the hearing loss began?"
"Oh, it's been bad for about a year now," said Viola.
"Does your hearing problem affect both ears or just one ear?"
"Both I think," she responded.
"Do you frequently have to ask people to repeat?"
"What was that?"
"I said do you frequently have to ask people to repeat?"
"Appears so," she giggled.
Scowling, the doctor continued. "Do you hear people speaking but can’t understand what is being said?"
"I didn't quite catch what you asked."
"I said do you hear people speaking but can’t understand what is being said?"
"Okay," she said, faking that she'd understood his question.
"Viola, have you had a urine test recently?"
Viola wondered why he would ask such a question when urine had nothing to do with hearing, but she answered the question. "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said.
"What did it show?" the doctor asked.
"Well, if you must know, I had a urinary tract infection."
The doctor stood looking at her like she was stupid. "I asked if you've had a hearing test."
Quotes From Famous Seniors
"The excess of our youth are checks written against our age and they are payable with interest thirty years later." - Victor Hugo
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - Charles Caleb Colton
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach age 18." - T.S. Eliot
"When grace is joined with wrinkles, it is adorable. There is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age." - Unknown Author
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.". - Anne Bancroft
"When you become senile, you won't know it." -Bill Cosby
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' - Claude Pepper
"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front." - Milton Berle
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." -George Burns
"I'm so old they've canceled my blood type. " - Bob Hope
"The really frightening thing about middle age is knowing you'll grow out of it. " Doris Day
"Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. " - Maurice Chevalier
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
In Honor of Grandparents
"It's funny what happens when you become a grandparent. You start to act all goofy and do things you never thought you'd do. It's terrific". ~ Mike Krzyzewski
"Surely, two of the most satisfying experiences in life must be those of being a grandchild or a grandparent." ~ Donald A. Norber
"Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy—the mother." ~ Claudette Colbert
"Grandchildren are the crowning glory of their grandparents." ~ Proverbs 17:6
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
The Critically Ill Husband
There was a woman whose husband was critically ill and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Through it all, his wife of many years had faithfully stood by his side every single day.
One day he came to and motioned for his dear wife to come closer.
She nestled close, her eyes filled with tears.
"You know what?" he rasped. "You've been with me through all of the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were right there by my side. When we lost the house you didn't leave me. And when my health started failing, you were still by my side."
And then the husband said, "You know what?"
The wife drew a bit closer and said "What?"
"I think you're bad luck."
Questions & Answers
Question: Is there any cure for old age? Run away from it?
Answer: Death is the only cure I know of. However, some people grow old gracefully and I think it's all in the attitude. If you are plagued with lots of medical problems, family conflict, loneliness, or depression your old age will feel like old age. It's hard to find the silver lining when you hurt all the time or are sick. Turn to Jesus and you'll know your eternity will come soon enough and it will be bliss.
© 2010 Lori Colbo