I have been writing poetry, fiction and short stories for many years and have completed a book of poems. I also enjoy comedy writing.
1. My displeased Lover
I don't know what the problem is with my lover. After a long sweaty minute and a half, she simply hisses her teeth and sits up in bed sending messages all over the internet. I gave her all I got but she is so hard to please. I need your help doc. What should I do?
I am so sorry that your lover is an unsatisfied prick, after all, all women are dieing to be with a man with such great stamina. I usually round off to about 60 seconds. A minute and half is overkill right? She needs to appreciate the little excitement you provide for her in bed. Let her know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to her. After all, it could have been worst. You could have been a dead horse in the sack and quite ugly at the same time. Here is what you should do. Make an aloe Vera drink and add ginseng. Drink half an hour before going to bed. Then go try rock her world. Side effects may cause diarrhea, heart failure and sleepiness.
2. Intolerable Flatulence
Dear Doc, My spouse doesn't take me out anymore because of my highly volatile flatulence. He complains that my farts are so stink that they attract flies all the way from the outbacks of Australia. Whenever he goes out to have a good time he leaves me behind to stay at home. We don't even share the same bed again because I fart in my sleep and he complains he's being stifled. What should I do Doc?
I am sorry that you are unable to sort out your nasty gasses. But you have to see with your spouse. No one wants a fart bomb walking with them to have dinner in a fine restaurant. Can you imagine ordering your food and in the middle of your consumption there are tonnes of fart leaving your blowhole? That is totally disgusting. I think your spouse should leave you until you stop farting.
3. Living With Mom
Dear Doc, it seems like my whole life has been turned upside down since my new wife moved in her mom to live with us. This was totally unexpected as the day this happened I was at work and when I reached home, I saw my wife's Mom sleeping in my bed. My wife then told me that she is scared of being on her own and she decided to move her in to live with us. My Mom-in-Law is a constant pain in the poopers and intrudes on my life. I used to get it from my wife at least 4 times per week now it is down to once a month because her mother doesn't like the notion that we are sleeping together. What should I do?
I feel your pain. Mothers who live with their married children are always cookie blockers. You can't run nude in your home or drink coffee in your boxers. Basically you are a slave in your own home without the whip and chains. Here is how to get rid of Mom-in-Law. Move in with a little romance. Yeah, go ahead and hit on Mamma. Show her a lot more attention than your dumb wife. I guarantee that sooner or later the mother will be pregnant for you and you guys get to go live on the Maury Show or she gets kicked out by her own daughter.
4. I love Cats, She love Dogs.
Hello Doc, how's it rocking? I am in a famous rock and roll band. I met this fine ass damsel and we instantly kicked it and now we are living together which is totally sweet and shit. We wanted pets so I decided to get a dog. The problem is she decided to get a cat. The bigger problem is she hates dogs and I can't tolerate cats. What should we do?
I don't know what the big deal is. Maybe you are using too much meth in your band that's why you can't think straight. The answer is simple. She is selfish to want a another pussy cat if you get what I mean. Go get your dog and go let her play with that kitty.
5. Gay But Likes Girls
Dear Doc, I hope you are doing much better than I am. I think something strange is beginning to happen to me that I am scared will break my partner forever. I am a 26 year old gay guy who has been in a steady relationship with the greatest guy on the planet. But the problem is from lately I have begun to loose feelings for him and have begun to look at girls. I seem to can't resist seeing a girl with nice juicy lips and a big booty passing. What is happening to me? Am I turning into a straight guy?
I think you have it twisted. You were already straight and you then became gay. You are not turning into anything. You have grown tired of the rump and nature naturally directs you back to the clump. Go find a nice girl and ditch your gay looser!
6. My wife Cheated on Me With My Sister
Dear Doc. My life has been a total shit hole like some countries. After marrying this young beautiful Spanish girl it turns out she was not the person whom I thought she was. I can't touch her, I can't talk to her and she never goes out with me. I walked into my office one day and saw her doing unspeakable things with my sister. What should I do?
If she is your half sister, join in. At least your young Spanish wife will allow you to touch her then. If not, call in immigration and see if you can get a substitute from Mexico!
7. Drunkard Husband
Dear Doc. My life has been ruined since my husband for 18 years have decided that the bottle should become his best friend. He works hard, gives me nice gifts and we live quite richly. But when he drinks he is a different person, he drinks water from the fish tank and fights with the dogs for their food. His drunkard behavior is ruining my decent life. What should I do?
Alcoholics make me sick. They smell horribly, they talk crap and they drive and smash people. Ensure that the insurance policy is in good standings because sooner or later he may just drive himself off a cliff. Go find a hot your stud to make out with until this fool sobers up.
8. Wife Was Slim, Now Too Fat
Dear Doc. I am a German man who moved to the United States about 7 years ago. I met this beautiful athletic woman who was very pleasing to my eyes. She took care of her body by feeding right and exercising. Ever since she got pregnant for her cousin and had his baby, she has gained excessive weight and wants me to still love her the way I used to. What should I do?
Did I read right that you are German? Normally German men are smart and don't do dumb shit. I think that her weight should have been the second factor in what you should not care about since the first factor is you ditching her for being impregnated by her cousin. Guys like you are why Hitler lost the war you dumb mutt.
9. Step Daughter Wants Candy
Dear Doc, I don't know what is happening anymore in my household. Ever since I changed my cologne it seems like I am a walking candy stick. I live with my wife, her six daughters and three sons. Her eldest daughter is 35 years old and from lately she seems to want to taste my candy. Doc, I love my wife and her 9 children. Please tell me what to do because the step daughter is hot and driving me crazy.
You are either terribly in love or the dumbest mother lover to take up a broke ass woman and her 9 sacks of no money in your pocket. Those sound like some overgrown kids who are too damn lazy to move out of Mamma's house and go fend on their own. You work hard and take care of that huge family, you deserve a little extra sugar in your life James. Go ahead and have fun.
10. My Lover Stinks
Dear Doc, I have a very serious issue. I am deeply in love with this guy. He does everything for me. We love each other deeply and share just about everything. We cry together, laugh together and do meth together. The problem is that he hates water and hence doesn't bath. I am mad to throw him out when the garbage truck passes because he smells like rotten food. His armpit hair is what Tarzan uses to swing across the jungle and his teeth are brighter than butter. I love him but he stinks, I mean really stinks. What should I do?
You have a very strong stomach to be so close to that little skunk. You need to carry that dirt bag to a launder mat and stuff his uncleanliness in a machine and pour in a box of tide. If he keeps on stinking and simply just wants to remain dog poop. Ask the city to dispose of him. after all, he is garbage.
© 2018 Clive Williams