Dear Andy Advice Column Faces Death
Andy and I love sharing on Monday's so that people can start out the work week with a few laughs to lighten the load. If you can't laugh, life is pretty dull.
Andy had his work cut out for him this past week with more weirdo letter writers seeking advice. This week Andy hears death terms. I sure hope you get some laughs but please don't die while doing it.
Man Tries His Hand at Farming
I ran a small casino for twenty years. I'm forty-five now and decided to try something new, so I Cashed in My Chips and Bought the Farm belonging to a friend. It's been one mishap after another. One day I went to Check Out the compost pile to Count the Worms. When I was Done, I turned to leave and Kicked the Bucket of whitewash over and fell backward, Belly Up. I let out a loud Epitaph and my wife heard me. Oops, a Grave mistake. I thought I was Done For, but she got over it.
One day I was digging a new septic drain field Six Feet Under. I wasn't paying attention and the backhoe Pushed Up Daises my wife had just planted. I Destroyed the entire garden and there was Hell to pay. My wife says I'm a lousy farmer and we should Lay to Rest this farming idea. But I want to keep trying, It just takes time to learn.
What can I do to convince my wife to give me another chance?
Andy's Answer to Fumbling Farmer
Dear Fumbling Farmer,
It's always a challenge when the wife wants to Give It Up and Depart when the husband doesn't. I suggest you sit down together and discuss it openly, with no animosity. Ask her what specifically she would like to see happen on the farm if you were to remain. Tell her your hopes and dreams and ask what hers are. Then ask her if she will let you try one more time to make a go of it. Try to draw her in by asking her advice on things. If she still wants to End It, make plans together while trying to decide what else you can do for a living.
I hope it all works out.
Ranch Hand Loses Leg in Freak Accident
You won't bereave it when I tell you my situation. I am a ranch hand. Five months ago while finishing the Last Roundup I fell off my horse and Bit the Dust, breaking both my upper front teeth. Falling off my horse scared a nearby bull and he freaked out and fell on my leg. Sad to say they were unable to save the leg. I was able to get new teeth though.
I wanted so badly to return to ranching. But I was on My Last Leg and was afraid to lose it. Then my doctor said I qualified for a prosthetic leg. Needless to say, I was Eternally grateful for it, yet, I was still a bit scared to return to ranching.
One weekend I decided to try a hunting trip with a rancher buddy. We found a Happy Hunting Ground and took home some game. I felt better about my ability so I returned to ranching. Well, another disaster struck. I broke my prosthetic leg. I had to Meet the Maker to get it fixed, but now I'm petrified to go back to ranching but it's all I've ever known. Am I being a wuss or being wise?
Peg Leg Rancher
Andy's Answer to Peg Leg Rancher
Dear Peg Leg Rancher,
Let me start by telling you how sorry I am for your misfortune. You have been very brave. You are definitely not a wuss. Most people would feel as you do in the same circumstances. Having said that, only you can decide what is best for you. If you decide to Depart from ranching there is no shame. Many people start over for a variety of reasons. I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide.
Twin Daughters Worry Mother
I am the mother of two beautiful twin twenty-year-old daughters named Anastasia and Euthanasia. They are identical but different in every other way. Good Grief, listen to this madness.
Anastasia is an imaginative prankster. Recently, she talked a co-worker into dressing up as a UPS delivery man. She jumped into a large box then instructed him to deliver her Home in a Box. When I opened it she popped out and jumped around Croaking like a frog. I nearly Died laughing. But she got so carried away, she tangled up in the Curtains and a knocked over a lamp. I had to Pull the Plug. Her pranks often cause Destruction of property. She means well, but I told her to Decease and desist and made her go to therapy.
Euthanasia isn't much better. She works Graveyard as a bartender at Tombstone All Night Bar and Grille. I am Dead set against her serving liquor, but she is an adult. Recently she developed her own cocktail called "Hell or High Water." It's the finest whiskey with Perrier water in a very tall glass. It's too potent. Last night someone left the door open and Flies were Dropping into the drinks and were Dead in the Water and whiskey. Gross.
Wednesdays they have eating contests. This Passed Wednesday customers were blindfolded in front of various sized hot dogs and were told in order to win they had to Bite the Big One only. Somehow, a person bit someone's finger and Euthanasia was Terminated because she was in charge. She's Gone to Another Place now and decided to Give Up the Ghosts of her past. She Kissed it Goodbye and is starting anew but she's very depressed and in therapy also.
Andy, what should I do to set my daughters straight? They are just too odd.
Mother of Twisted Twins
Andy's Answer to Mother of Twisted Twins
Dear Mother of Twisted Twins,
I can see you're overwhelmed. But you have done them good by getting them into therapy. Don't Demise their behavior; think of them as misappropriating their gifts. In therapy, they will learn to channel their gifts in a positive way. Perhaps a little counseling would help you as well.
Hoping the best for you and your twins.
Sick Man's Wife Wants Pets
I've been really sick lately. The doctor is baffled. I can't stop Coffin in the Mourning and it's made me a Casket case. I coughed so hard this morning I Knell to my knees. My wife, on the other hand, is taking it too Casualty. "All Things Must Pass," she says. She went out and got a dog a few weeks ago. Andy, I'm allergic to dogs. His name was Abraham and he was a fine animal but I became even sicker. One night I had a coffin fit so hard I fell onto Abraham's Bosom by accident and killed him. I had to go to the ER then because I got really sick from the intense anxiety of killing our sweet dog. They gave me a sedative and said to get a Big Sleep, no Morgue pets, and to Go South to live where the weather is better, but we are Buried in debt due to medical bills. My wife is now talking about getting a cat. Before I got sick she had no interest in pets. What should I make of this?
Mad Coffin Larry
Andy's Answer to Mad Coffin Larry
Dear Mad Coffin Larry,
I am so very sorry you are so ill. I know the added stress of the accidental death of Abraham is weighing on you. Accidents happen and Abraham is not complaining, He is probably blissful in Paradise.
I am baffled by your wife's behavior. I would say there is a serious problem. Go to marriage therapy. If she won't go you go yourself. But if any more pets come through the doors I would immediately get it a new home or call animal control. She has got to put you first.
Offering prayers for your recovery.
Monday Mornings With Andy
Well, how's that for some weird situations from weird people? I would love to have Andy's temperament and patience. I don't know about you, but I look forward to next weeks letters. Please return next Monday morning and start your work week with a few laughs. God bless everyone.
Which writer had the most ridiculous story?
© 2019 Lori Colbo