Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy and Psychology
Holy Mackerel, it's October. Before we know it we will be in the year 2020. The older I get the faster life goes by. For those of you who are new, Dear Andy is an advice column to weirdos. His letters include puns on a different topic each week. This week their letters are full of psychological and mental health terminology. For those of you who know me well, you know I am very knowledgeable in this field by experience. If you don't know me well, all you have to do is read my work and you'll see it.
I hope no one will take offense if I use some slang terminology. I'm poking fun at myself more than anything else. You have to laugh in this life or it's too boring and dismal. Hold on to your sanity folks.
Man Addicted to TV
This morning I was eating my Fruit Loops and watching the latest Episode of my favorite nature TV program. They were talking about the Cuckoos, you know the bird. It was quite fascinating. Halfway through I got a phone call. When I got back from my call, my wife had taken over the TV and was watching a documentary on the discovery of a new solar system called Seratonin, and four of its planets - Zoloft, Prozac, Schizo, and Xanax. Pretty freaky.
When the show ended my wife left for work. I lie on the Couch and watched Loony Tunes. I Cracked Up so hard at all the Multiple Personalities. Dafty Duck is my favorite. When it was over I went to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. I heard my little girl squealing with delight. I found her on top of the table getting Ready to Leap. I shouted, "Don't Jump!" I startled her and she fell and Whackod her head on a chair. I rushed to the E.R iMoodiately. They put her In Stitches and she was fine.
We got home just in time to watch the Chevy Chase movie Funny Farm. One of my favorites. While I was watching it my two brothers stopped by, mad that I have been Out of Touch with friends and family because of my "Addiction" to TV.
Andy, I would like to know what you think about this. I don't see anything wrong with loving and watching a lot of TV. Can someone be addicted to TelDelusion?
Mad About the Boob Tube
Andy's Answer to Mad About the Boob Tube
Dear Mad About the Boob Tube,
An activity can become an addiction as much as a substance. The question is, does it Consume your life? Ask yourself these questions:
- Do I think about TV when I'm away from home?
- Do I feel like I'm missing something important on TV when I'm away from home?
- Do I plan my days around TV show schedules?
- Do I become anxious when I lose the remote?
- Do I interact with my wife and daughter other than watching TV with them? (It is important to note that watching TV with someone is fine, but it is a passive activity and there's not much communication going on.)
- Do I pass up family gatherings, activities, and other social opportunities because I don't want to miss programs?
- Would I be distraught if the TV broke and didn't have enough money to get another one?
- Can I go one week or even a day without TV and not feel anxious?
If you answered "yes" to 4 of them then you have a problem. There is a lot of fun in the world besides TV. I'm sure your family would love to do other things. Go out for a meal, gather with extended family and play games, talk, eat, and laugh. Take your daughter and wife to the park. The sky is the limit. Watching TV all day is the same as being on a computer all day (not for work), it's an escape. Get rid of the TV if you can't stop watching it. Once you start doing other things with your family you will soon find that life is much more fun. Your wife and daughter need you.
PS I have enclose the 12 steps of Boob Tube's Anonymous.
Family Reunion Ends Up With Damaged Property
I recently found my long lost Uncle Ward and Anti Agora Phobea. Uncle Ward is an imDepressive tailor. He can flawlessly make a Straight Jacket. Anti Agora is a Certifiable culinary whiz. I hate Fruit Cake but hers was Borderline Manicnificent. She is also good at making Nut recipes. She tried to teach me how to do a Nut Job, but I'm aFreud I'm just not skilled at it.
I also met my cousins Lobo (prounced Lăbŏ) and Tommy. Lobo works in precious Mentals, and Tommy is a Bipolar scientist studying the north and south poles.
What is the problem, you ask? Well, while talking to Uncle Ward and cousins Lobo and Tommy I found them to have quite a Clinical, mistrustful world view. We were watching Sean Sanity interviewing Nancy Pillosi on Fox News. I don't Mind telling you, they were very Inpatient with his views, accusing him of Disorderd Thinking. Soon they were yelling and screaming and Uncle Ward threw a can of beer at my brand new, $1,200 state-of-the-art forty-inch TV. This caused a total Breakdown of our reunion. I told Uncle Ward I expected him to pay me back. He said not until I become a liberal. I'd rather get run over by a Locomotive. My wife won't let me sue. What should I do?
Andy's Answer to Furious
Oh my goodness, what a terrible thing to happen, and at a family reunion, no less. The amount of money you Lost, I Marble at. I don't think you should change your opinion or political beliefs to suit him and get your money back. My guess is he wouldn't pay anyway. Only you can decide whether to absorb the loss or sue. Weigh the pros and cons. Personally, I would not blame or judge you if you sued, but there may be factors I am not aware of, such as how it will affect your immediate and extended family relations. I hope you find a good solution. Uncle Ward is a bully, they usually back down when challenged, maybe the threat of suing will change his mind.
Light Goes On for Husband
We recently hired an electrician to do some work in our house. He did a terrible job and was always electrocuting himself. He couldn't do the most basic things. I called the county OCD (Occupational Career Department) and reported him because we were worried he'd Involuntary hurt himself. Well, sure enough, we found him on the floor. We called 9-1-1 and they came and gave him Electroshock Treatment. Fortunately, they revived him and sent him off to the hospital for observation. We hear he's doing much better and back to work.
In the mean time, my husband has been trying to do the work, and...well...just look at the enclosed photo and see what happened to my husband when I came home from work today. Even the dog is freaked out. I feel my heart Shrink every time I look at him. Tell me what to do.
Freaked Out Wife
Dear Andy's Answer to Freaked Out Wife
Dear Freaked Out Wife,
This is a joke, right? It has to be. Very funny. Good one. Love to know how you did this. Must be PhotoShop. Bwahaha!!!
P.S. On the off chance this is real, I would call a doctor and an electrician. Together they can Brainstorm and figure it out.
Do you think the freaked out wife's dilemma is real or a joke?
I know what you all are thinking, "Lori's finally gone off her rocker." I haven't slept well this week. It has its benefits when I want to write Dear Andy. WEIRDNESS.
Have a great Wednesday everyone.
Questions & Answers
© 2019 Lori Colbo