Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Returns From Vacation
Welcome Andy Back
Greetings. It's August 12th and Andy is back after a long, much needed, restful vacation. I took that time to have cataract surgery on my right eye, and goof off. I will have the other eye done in a week or so. Andy and his wife had a blast on holiday, sailing, swimming, fishing, drinking piña coladas out of frosted glasses with little umbrellas.
If you are new, Dear Andy is an advice columnist to weirdos. The letters are full of puns on specific topics. Since Andy was on vacation, the puns have a vacation theme, destinations, and travel. If you can't get away this summer, read along and try to visualize. Happy Monday.
Tropical Bird Offends New Owner
I have a very unusual problem. I have been a bird lover all my life. I recently purchased a Tropical bird I named Paradise. I love to watch him in Flight Exploring the house and the backyard Pool area. He never tries to Getaway. He's a very smart bird. He Camps Out on top of the couch while I watch my liberal pundit shows. While I watch them yelling at those deranged Trump lovers, and rooting for Bernie, he goes wild and flutters and rams the TV, as well as my cellphone when I go on twitter and give Trump a piece of my mind. I took this to mean he was a liberal and assaulting the Trumpers.
The other day I came home and let him out of his cage as usual. He came in for a Landing on my cellphone while I was tweeting against Trump and ceremoniously soiled on it. I noticed something was on his head. Andy, he was wearing a Trump wig and a little red MAGA ball cap. Paradise is a traitor. I told him if he didn't defect his life would be Terminal and his Destination would be hell.
If I hadn't have spent ten grand buying him and having him shipped from thousands of miles away, I'd send him Sailing back to where he came from. I can't get my money back. What can I do short of murder him?
Enraged Liberal Birdman
Andy's Answer to Enrage Liberal Birdman
Dear Enraged Liberal Birdman,
Letters like yours are the reason I needed a long vacation. I really have no words.
There are plenty of exotic bird sales here in America. Google it and sell Paradise at the best price you can get. If you take a financial hit at least your home will be cleansed of MAGA.
PS Do you suppose Paradise could be Trump's Twitter Account Director? Bwahaha
Father Stands On Principles with Daughter and Boyfriend
Last month our daughter Delta came to Visit unexpectedly with her new boyfriend. He's a dead ringer for Tom Cruise in looks, swagger, and cockiness. His name is - get this - Jet Blue. The Attraction between them was overtly magnetic. My wife was enchanted by his faux Eddie Haskell charm. I've never seen Delta Carry-on with a boyfriend like this one. I, however, saw through him like a Glass Bottom Boat. To say I had Reservations about him is an understatement.
We sized each other up quickly. He was a Player all right. I was merely an Amusement to him. My daughter is twenty-eight and my opinions about her boyfriends are generally not Welcome. So I kept my mouth Zipped up and my eyes on his every move.
This creep had the gall to ask where and when "their" Bed and Breakfast would be as if we were his own personal Concierge. Before I reached for his throat, my wife steered them upstairs to set them up in my precious, innocent, daughter's old bedroom.
I told him he could bunk in the basement with Cancún, our Maine coon cat. My daughter Flew into one of her Roller-Coaster Tizzies and played the "I'm an adult," card. A Hostel argument ensued, all the while Mr. Jet Blue smiled and complimented my wife on her lovely Exotic Hawaiian print skirt.
Long story short, I told Jet Blue to Take a Hike and said Bon Voyage to my daughter when she protested. They have made their departure, my daughter says she will never speak to me again, and my wife sent me to bunk in the basement with the Cancún our Maine coon cat.
Should I set aside my principles to keep a relationship with my daughter and be able to sleep in my own bed?
Dear Andy's Answer to Fuming Father
Dear Fuming Father,
Your daughter may be an adult and free to do whatever she wishes with said boyfriend, but when she is in your home, or anyone else's, she must abide by their rules. You should not give up your principles to accommodate her "sleeping" habits. However, since you didn't handle it in a calm manner, you can apologize to your daughter and boyfriend, and your wife, and say that while you plan to stick to your principles, you regret the way in which you handled it. Hopefully, your daughter will reciprocate the apology and the relationship can be restored.
Wife Insults Husband on 50th Wedding Anniversary
I don't know what to do with my husband. He once told me when we were young that if he ever wore Bermuda shorts with white socks and sandals and a Fishing hat, to shoot him. We laughed at the time.
Well, for our 50th wedding anniversary we planned to Dine Out for Sunday Brunch. As we were getting ready to leave my husband came out with a pair of blue, pink and white plaid Bermuda shorts with, you guessed it, white socks and sandals, and a Fishing hat. On the way to brunch, I told him to make a little side Excursion to the Sporting Goods store so I can buy a gun. When he asked why I reminded him of the oath he made me take fifty years ago. He took me to the Amtrak station and bought me a ticket to my sister's house in Duluth as an anniversary gift. I hugged him and thanked him. "But what about my clothes?" You know what he said Andy? He said, "Honey, you've got enough Baggage under your eyes to keep you going for along time.
Six weeks later I'm still in Duluth. He only got me a one-way ticket. Some people just can't take a joke. Andy, how can I make it up to my husband?
Stranded in Duluth
Andy's Answer to Stranded in Duluth
Dear Stranded in Duluth,
When I first read your letter I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair. I thought, 'This gal has a great sense of humor.' When my wife heard the crash she came in to find out what happened. When I showed her the letter she burst out laughing too. Then she reminded me I asked her to make the same promise when we were first married. We have only been married for ten years but I checked my wardrobe and thank goodness I am still in good fashion.
If you can contact your husband, tell him you are sorry. Do everything you can to make it up to him. I think his reaction was way out of proportion. I hope you can patch things up.
Best of luck,
Husband of Stranded in Duluth Writes for Advice
My wife thinks she's a comedian in her old age. For our 50th wedding anniversary, she asked me to help her purchase a gun so she could shoot me for my wardrobe choices. I sent her Packing to Duluth. In the six weeks she's been gone, I've had a busy Itinerary. In the morning, I Check-in with the coffee maker and enjoy a few quiet moments in France sipping a French roast espresso while munching a warm croissant and read with a smile on my face about the snowstorm in Duluth.
After that, I ride my Bicycle in the sunroom for an hour while I watch the weather channel giving me updates on Duluth's snowstorm that's been upgraded to blizarrd status. From there, I Set Sail in the bathtub and Swim with the dolphins, the Miami Dolphins that is, the game is on the radio.
Next Stop, a visit to my best friend Bob's house where I Fish for compliments on my wardrobe. He is very Complimentary. He wears black socks with his sandals. His wife is waiting for her gun permit.
Bob and I kick back on the back porch drinking Port wine. Bob is originally from Duluth and regales me with horror stories about the weather there - twenty-five below zero winters, tornados, floods, and all manner of Seasonal weather disasters. When I tell him my little Petunia is in Duluth, we laugh and laugh. We Disembark from the lawn chairs and enjoy lunch in Italy. Bob makes the best Italian sub sandwich I've ever eaten.
Then we go Hunting in the garage for his new fishing hat. He was sure he left it in there somewhere. When he can't find it we watch movies for the rest of the day - Airplane, Flying High, Casa Blanca, then a Hawaii Five-O Marathon. Bob's wife shakes me awake and sends me home.
I wince as I pass the kitchen, piled high with days and days of dirty dishes. I realize I am miserable. My question is, should I hire a maid or call my Petunia and have her come home?
Andy's Answer to Pigsty Bachelor
Dear Pigsty Bachelor,
I think if you ask your wife to come home it should because you miss her company, not her housekeeping. Your wife was teasing about shooting you. Don't be so uptight. Better a joker than a nag. Forgive your wife and send for her because you miss her for her. If you can't swallow your pride and do that, get off your duff and do the dishes. Best wishes.
Let me send you off with this delightful song about Dirty Dishes that could have been written by Pigsty Bachelor. These are my good friends the Bluegrass Minstrels. They are hilarious on this song.
Dirty Dishes Blues
Who cracked you up the most?
© 2019 Lori Colbo