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Dear Andy Advice Column Goes Viral

Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.

Andy has been on vacation ever so long. He has returned and just in time. With all the uncertainty and strange happenings in the world, people really need some advice. If you are new to the Dear Andy advice column, welcome. Andy's letters are full of puns in reference to what's going on, plus other random things. We need some laughter about now don't we? So...hold on to your depends.

Husband's Weight Gain Concerns Wife

Dear Andy,

My wife is very unhappy with my weight gain. I'll admit, I go through a 19-pack of Corona beer every two days. And yes, I do have a hearty appetite, but hey, food is Essential, right? Because my belly now spills over my belt considerably, my wife wants me to go on a diet to Flatten the Curve, so to speak.

I asked my wife what she has in mind for a diet, to which she replied "a Coughee diet." I realized, she wants me to drink Coughee rather than beer. Do you know how long it takes to watch those brown Droplets to fill up a pot? All I have to do with a beer is lift a tab or twist a cap. Besides, too much caffeine will put me in a Fauci mood and I snap at people. I told her I'll just put CDC oil on my belly and it will shrink. That didn't go over well. For me, Beer and potato chips Trump Coughee.

Andy, doesn't everyone get flabby after 40? What's the big deal?


Flabby Boy


Andy's Answer to Flabby Boy

Dear Flabby Boy,

I understand your point, but I think your wife is concerned more about your alcohol habit and health overall. That means she Gloves you. Take comfort that she has your best interest at heart.

It's a simple matter of eating healthy and being active. Spend more time with your wife doing things that bring you both joy. Marriage is the most important investment you'll ever make, and health comes second.

Best Wishes,


Teen Girl Wants Name Change

Dear Andy,

I am fourteen years old. My mother named my sisters and me after flowers, our middle names after countries. My older sisters are Daisy France, Violet Romania, Jasmine Slovenia, Lily Lativa, and Rose Andora. My younger sister is Petunia Sweden, and I am Virus Hungary. "What's the big deal?" you might be asking. Well, I'm allergic to Viruses. They give me hay Fever. As a matter of fact, I am allergic to all flowers, trees, and grasses. I don't want to be named after a flower I'm allergic to. I get itchy and sneeze every time I hear my name. I got kicked out of class one day when the teacher kept calling my name to answer a question and I sneezed each time. She said I was deliberately being disruptive.

Not only that, but I'm tired of always being called Virus the hungry by the kids at school.

I told my mom I wanted to change my name to a non-flower name but I'm willing to have a country middle name. She said, "Okay, what about Clementine Belarus." I said no way because I already have a friend by that name. I decided on Quarantine China. Mom said everything made in China is cheap and falls apart and she doesn't want people to think I'm emotionally fragile. Give me a break. Then I thought about Pandemica Astonia or Vaccine Lithuania.

What do you think Andy? Should I be allowed to have any name I want? Which name do you like best?

Yours truly,

New Name in Waiting


Andy's Answer to New Name in Waiting

Dear New Name in Waiting,

I think a person's name is very important to them. I think you should be able to have any name you want if it makes you comfortable. I think I like Pandemica Estonia best. It has a lovely sound and rolls off the tongue nicely. It and would Spread joy to those who hear it and you certainly won't itch or sneeze when you hear it.

I hope your mom will let you choose your own name. Best of luck.


Woman Can't Find Dream Man

Dear Andy,

I am a dreamer. Since I was a little girl I've always dreamed of having a lovely home and the proverbial white picket Pence, a dog and a cat, two kids, and a husband who adores me. I'm 37 and still waiting.

I thought I'd found the right man. His name is Dr. Thor Pinderhooken. They call him TP for obvious reasons. Anyway, I recently found he is a phony and very selfish. He's always trying to soft-Soap me so I'll do things I really shouldn't be doing to help him get what he wants. As the old saying goes, "Flattery will get you nowhere." But it took me a while to learn that. When he does something unseemly he Sanitizes it by trying to make it look innocent and worthwhile. Worst of all, he fancies himself a James Bond type - you know, handsome, debonair. I'm thinking of breaking up with him. I think I'm ready to Wash My Hands of him. The last time we were together I had an Outbreak of hives. And the last thing I want is for me and my children to be called Pinderhookens. Then again, this could be my last chance. I'm not getting any younger and I don't know how much longer my eggs will be Febrile.

Should I settle for Thor Pinderhooken and have a family, or be an old maid?



Andy's Answer to Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please don't settle for a loser. You deserve every happiness. You will not have a happy family if you marry this guy. He will continue to try to Maskerade as a nice guy but it won't last. Find yourself a good man. If it means a wait, it's worth it. Many women have children later in life. Hang in there and find your dreams.


Recovery Time

Well, that's all for today. Who knows how long it will be until Andy has Recovered enough to put out the next column. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes into Isolation for a few months. How he does his job is beyond me.

Take care all and stay safe!

© 2020 Lori Colbo