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Dear Andy Advice Column Goes Viral

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Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.

Andy has been on vacation ever so long. He has returned and just in time. With all the uncertainty and strange happenings in the world, people really need some advice. If you are new to the Dear Andy advice column, welcome. Andy's letters are full of puns in reference to what's going on, plus other random things. We need some laughter about now don't we? So...hold on to your depends.

Husband's Weight Gain Concerns Wife

Dear Andy,

My wife is very unhappy with my weight gain. I'll admit, I go through a 19-pack of Corona beer every two days. And yes, I do have a hearty appetite, but hey, food is Essential, right? Because my belly now spills over my belt considerably, my wife wants me to go on a diet to Flatten the Curve, so to speak.

I asked my wife what she has in mind for a diet, to which she replied "a Coughee diet." I realized, she wants me to drink Coughee rather than beer. Do you know how long it takes to watch those brown Droplets to fill up a pot? All I have to do with a beer is lift a tab or twist a cap. Besides, too much caffeine will put me in a Fauci mood and I snap at people. I told her I'll just put CDC oil on my belly and it will shrink. That didn't go over well. For me, Beer and potato chips Trump Coughee.

Andy, doesn't everyone get flabby after 40? What's the big deal?

Sincerely,

Flabby Boy

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Andy's Answer to Flabby Boy

Dear Flabby Boy,

I understand your point, but I think your wife is concerned more about your alcohol habit and health overall. That means she Gloves you. Take comfort that she has your best interest at heart.

It's a simple matter of eating healthy and being active. Spend more time with your wife doing things that bring you both joy. Marriage is the most important investment you'll ever make, and health comes second.

Best Wishes,

Andy

Teen Girl Wants Name Change

Dear Andy,

I am fourteen years old. My mother named my sisters and me after flowers, our middle names after countries. My older sisters are Daisy France, Violet Romania, Jasmine Slovenia, Lily Lativa, and Rose Andora. My younger sister is Petunia Sweden, and I am Virus Hungary. "What's the big deal?" you might be asking. Well, I'm allergic to Viruses. They give me hay Fever. As a matter of fact, I am allergic to all flowers, trees, and grasses. I don't want to be named after a flower I'm allergic to. I get itchy and sneeze every time I hear my name. I got kicked out of class one day when the teacher kept calling my name to answer a question and I sneezed each time. She said I was deliberately being disruptive.

Not only that, but I'm tired of always being called Virus the hungry by the kids at school.

I told my mom I wanted to change my name to a non-flower name but I'm willing to have a country middle name. She said, "Okay, what about Clementine Belarus." I said no way because I already have a friend by that name. I decided on Quarantine China. Mom said everything made in China is cheap and falls apart and she doesn't want people to think I'm emotionally fragile. Give me a break. Then I thought about Pandemica Astonia or Vaccine Lithuania.

What do you think Andy? Should I be allowed to have any name I want? Which name do you like best?

Yours truly,

New Name in Waiting

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Andy's Answer to New Name in Waiting

Dear New Name in Waiting,

I think a person's name is very important to them. I think you should be able to have any name you want if it makes you comfortable. I think I like Pandemica Estonia best. It has a lovely sound and rolls off the tongue nicely. It and would Spread joy to those who hear it and you certainly won't itch or sneeze when you hear it.

I hope your mom will let you choose your own name. Best of luck.

Andy

Woman Can't Find Dream Man

Dear Andy,

I am a dreamer. Since I was a little girl I've always dreamed of having a lovely home and the proverbial white picket Pence, a dog and a cat, two kids, and a husband who adores me. I'm 37 and still waiting.

I thought I'd found the right man. His name is Dr. Thor Pinderhooken. They call him TP for obvious reasons. Anyway, I recently found he is a phony and very selfish. He's always trying to soft-Soap me so I'll do things I really shouldn't be doing to help him get what he wants. As the old saying goes, "Flattery will get you nowhere." But it took me a while to learn that. When he does something unseemly he Sanitizes it by trying to make it look innocent and worthwhile. Worst of all, he fancies himself a James Bond type - you know, handsome, debonair. I'm thinking of breaking up with him. I think I'm ready to Wash My Hands of him. The last time we were together I had an Outbreak of hives. And the last thing I want is for me and my children to be called Pinderhookens. Then again, this could be my last chance. I'm not getting any younger and I don't know how much longer my eggs will be Febrile.

Should I settle for Thor Pinderhooken and have a family, or be an old maid?

Sincerely,

Desperate

Andy's Answer to Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please don't settle for a loser. You deserve every happiness. You will not have a happy family if you marry this guy. He will continue to try to Maskerade as a nice guy but it won't last. Find yourself a good man. If it means a wait, it's worth it. Many women have children later in life. Hang in there and find your dreams.

Andy

Recovery Time

Well, that's all for today. Who knows how long it will be until Andy has Recovered enough to put out the next column. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes into Isolation for a few months. How he does his job is beyond me.

Take care all and stay safe!

© 2020 Lori Colbo

Comments

William Kovacic from Pleasant Gap, PA on April 25, 2020:

I was just thinking the other day, what ever happened to Andy? It's good to know he was only on vacation. He still has it! Keep him coming!

Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on April 20, 2020:

Nice one.

BADTHIGS on April 19, 2020:

GOOO

Lori Colbo (author) from Pacific Northwest on April 18, 2020:

Thanks for the compliment, Dora. I hope you are staying safe there in St. Kitts.

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on April 18, 2020:

Lori, I admire your creativity in coming up with these names and situations. You and Andy would do well on a PBS comedy show. Keep safe.

Lori Colbo (author) from Pacific Northwest on April 18, 2020:

Thank you Ruby. We all need some laughs during this crazy time. Andy was pleased to oblige.

Lori Colbo (author) from Pacific Northwest on April 18, 2020:

Eric, I'm glad you had some laughs. Thanks for visiting.

Lori Colbo (author) from Pacific Northwest on April 18, 2020:

Hi Bill, Andy is happy to be back.

Lori Colbo (author) from Pacific Northwest on April 18, 2020:

Pamela, I agree. The name she chose was not so good. Andy should have offered some different names. Thanks for reading.

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on April 18, 2020:

I needed a good laugh and you provided it. Well done Andy is a smart man!

Eric Dierker from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on April 18, 2020:

Wonderfully done Andy. You had me in stitches. These are just plain fun.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on April 18, 2020:

It's good to see you back with some humor. You have been missed.

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on April 18, 2020:

I just realized how much I have missed you, Andy. What tought questions for today! I think the young girl should choose a more fitting name. This is sure a few great questions for Andy.