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Dear Andy Advice Column With Strange Speech

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Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.


This week all of Andy's writers used malapropisms, or malaprops, so much in fact, that Andy started using them too without meaning to. In case you're not familiar with malaprops, they are the use of an incorrect word in place of a word with a similar sound, resulting in a nonsensical, humorous statement. The word comes from a character in Richard Sheridan's 1775 play Rivals, Mrs. Malaprop, who speaks in these funny confused mispronunciations.

President George W. Bush was famous for malapropisms. Stand-up comedian Norm Crosby used them in his comedy routines (a video of Crosby at the end of this edition). He will crack you up.

We are offering another sale on Depends. The code number is ROTF (aka rolling on the floor). Enjoy the fun.


Husband Has Overbearing Wife

Dear Andy,

I have a very important Incision to make on my Mirage of twenty years. My wife is very Subtractive and the guys are always looking at her. And I just don't understand her, she is so Consumated no one can figure her out. She thinks women should be the Bleeders of the home. She wants the final word on every Derision we make. She's one of those women's Livers, a radical Phlegminist. She tries to run Rough-Slob over me and I've had it. I should have an equal Hoist in everything. But she treats me like a crazy Bassoon.

I told her that the Bible says men are to be the head of the home and the wife should Remit to her husband. That didn't go over well. She told me the great feminist, Gloria Sylum says women should have all the Shower.

Should I leave or stay?


Andy's Answer to Bullied

Dear Bullied,

It seems to be an ongoing issue in our modern Vulture today to make men into ignorant Underthings. In television Stink Bombs, Dad's are portrayed as Idioms and half twits, and the wife reigns Extreme over the husband.

It sounds like your wife has been strongly impudenced by the Rectoral rantings of radicals in the women's Mutant. It's a great challenge to set her straight on these Ikeas of hers. I think this is a job for Marriage Cancelling. I wish you all the best in the world.



Bachelor Hates Housework

Dear Andy,

I don't understand Lousework. I am a bachelor and hate Preening my house. I don't mind Sloshing and Dying the clothes, but to have to fold every piece Indivisibly and put them away takes too much time. And the Ditches, I wash them all in the Ditchslosher and put them away, but before I know it the sink is full again. I vacuum and Lust and it's dirty again in a few days. It would sure be nice if my efforts Reclaimed for another month. It's the same with taking out the Stash. It's full the next day.

Andy, I don't know if you're a demasculated man, but if you know of a way to keep mousecreepying to a minimum I'd sure depreciate you're help.

Yours truly,

Fit to be Snide

Andy's Answer to Fit to be Snide

Dear Fit to be Snide,

I completely understand your Convulsion of Lousework. Unfortunately, there is no way you can not do it and live in a Preen and Planetary house. There may be some Trips to keep it Dimpler if you look it up on Goggle. The only other option is to Sire someone to do the work for you. Here's wishing you lots of luck.



Burned-Out Preacher

Dear Andy,

I am a Pasture of a small church in a Plural Impunity. Contrary to Poplar Relief, it is not an easy Transgression to work in. People have so many Expectorations of me and I never seem to quite Squeeze everyone. I wear so many Gnats my head has gone bald.

Here is the list of Masks I Deform in a given week:

  • Scares for the Slick and Confirmed.
  • Study and Repair a good German
  • Bleach powerful Wreckages
  • Speed worship
  • Give Spatial guidance to Petitioners
  • Upend church Sword meetings
  • Victimization of people in the Hospital, or Butt-ins in the home
  • Officiate at Beddings, Tumorals, and Despotisms
  • Serve Cumin
  • Degradation (administration) of staff
  • Italicize our Impunity with the Gospel

Bratwurst of all, my family and I Drive in a fishbowl. Our every move is Smudged and Eulogized. If my children mystery shave, people regard them as more weevil than their own nazi-nosed brats, and my wife and I are deemed unedible parents. If my wife buys a new breast, she is gossiped about, saying she spends up the Kalamazoo their hard-wormed honey.

Andy, I could go on and on. I am so Disgorged I am thinking of leaving the Trinity. Do you have any reimbursement for me?

Bummed Out Pasture

Andy Answers Bummed Out Preacher

Dear Bummed Out Pasture,

How my Dart goes out to you. My father was Presbassyrian Sinister, so I know well the Viles you face daily. I think you are due for an Evacuation, Receipt, or better yet a year-long Tyrannical. There are grants out there to provide Pupil supply. Perhaps your own Destination can help with that and also Abdicate for you with the church.

I will be Craving for you and I do hope you get the Rent and Refusal you need.



Struggling Student

Dear Andy,

I am a Collage student and struggling in Virtuously every class. I don't get it. My math teacher gave me a D today when I told her I couldn't find a Protector at the student store to do the measurements. My history teacher gave me a D- on my term paper on the twenty-seven Commandments in the Constipation of the United States. In Astrology, I got an F because on the test I said the names of the planets in our solar system were Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces. The teacher wrote in big red letters - "This is Gastronomy class, not Astrology." I thought Gastronomy was about the Digressive system.

Things continued to go downhill. After lunch, I went to my Physicology class. The teacher failed me when I said the systems of Bipolar were the north and south pole and OCD was Oppressive Convulsive Deporter. She told me in red pencil I needed help. I'm not sure what she meant by that. Finally, I went to my Epic Perversity Class. I won't tell you why I got kicked out of there.

Andy, my whole life I've had trouble in school. I took an Irrelevance test and my score was very high. What should I do? I can't go on like this. My whole Suture is at stake.

Snuggling Student

Andy's Answer to Snuggling Student

Dear Snuggling Student,

I can't tell you how sorry I am for your Macadamia problems. I think you should get tested for a learning Distorter. Many times there are susceptible treatments that will Rectalfy the problem. You might have Dyspepsia, a common reading problem. Hang in there and don't give up. Good luck.



My goodness. I'll bet you're glad that's over. I hope it wasn't too Refusing to follow. Let me tell you, it was a Stitch to write. Now I'm doing it. Ahem, please Envoy the video and quotes below and have a happy fourth of A Stye.

Malapropisms by Famous People or Characters

  • "Texas has a lot of electrical ( electoral) votes." - Yogi Berra
  • "The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder." - Richard Daley, former mayor of Chicago
  • "Create a little dysentery among the ranks." (dissension) - Christopher Moltisanti from "The Sopranos
  • "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." (unparelled) - Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House
  • "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." - George W. Bush


  • "Illiterate him quite from your memory" (obliterate) and "She's as headstrong as an allegory" (alligator)." -Mrs. Malaprop, Rivals
  • "The hookeries and massageries…the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glocca Morra." - Archie Bunker

© 2019 Lori Colbo