Dear Andy Advice Column Gets Technological
Good Monday morning to you! Andy had a very challenging week as his letters were full of technology and it rather boggled his mind. He is not much of a techy and had a bit of research to do. But things are as wacky as ever. We hope you find some laughs to start out your week.
Terrorist Mouse Takes Over Household
Me and the WiFi have been battling a terrorist situation that Popped Up recently and it's finally catching up to us and creating tension. You see, we discovered a Mouse problem. One mouse. He got into the cupboard and ate through the chocolate Chip Cookies and the crumbs brought in ants. Unfortunately, our son left a half-eaten Apple on the counter and both the Mouse and ants attacked it. It's as if we Feed these creatures as part of our family. The other morning I looked into my cup and found the Mouse relaxing in my tepid cup of Java as if it were a jacuzzi, munching on the Cookies again. I tried to shoo him away but he's a little Acrobat. He knocked over the cup onto my lap top soaking and staining my new white Bermuda shorts. I hate to admit it, but I tried rodent poison, but all it did was give him a Blue Tooth. At least it hindered his eating for a few minutes. My WiFI developed an Attachment to the little demon and was very upset by my poison attempt.
Pretty soon the little bugger Browsed through our magazine rack and left droppings all over the Sears Analogue and ruined my WiFi's new Bookmark.
One night I was reading and all of a sudden the reading lamp began to Flickr. It was Plugged In to a brand new outlet. It wasn't the outlet though, it was the Wire which was linkdIn to an Extension cord. He had taken a megabyte of it and shorted it out.
He finally left the house but went into the garage and decided to nest in my car. When I turned it on I heard a terrible noise so I POPped the hood and Searched the Engine. It wasn't a pretty sight but needless to say, he's now gone and my engine is too. My wife and I don't have the Cache to buy a car of equal value. The tension I mentioned is that she thinks I killed the mouse on purpose and is mad at me. How can I convince her I didn't?
Andy's Answer to Innocent
My oh my. Mice are annoying and persistent indeed. It's unfortunate your wife is blaming you for killing him. Perhaps if you sit down with her and tell her how badly you feel for accidentally killing him, then offer to get her a new mouse from the pet shop (with a cage) to make up for it she'll forget about it. I think this might bring Resolution to the problem. Best of luck.
Boy Goes Phishing With Grandma, Ends Poorly
My grandmother gave me a GIF recently - a new Phishing rod. I hate Phishing but said thank you because I love my grandma and didn't want to hurt her feelings. But she asked if she could take me out to use it. I couldn't say no so we went to the dock at a nearby beach. We used the Application of Spam as bait On Line but didn't catch anything. Then we tried Bugs, but we ran out of them fast, so Grandma found a spider Web Development with flies embedded in it and Digitally removed them for bait. It was quite a Task. But we still didn't catch anything. As a last resort, we tried a Slug she named Python. Killing all these critters to Phish upset her and she began to cry. Iphoned Dad and he came to pick us up. It was a Hard Drive because Grandma was still crying, poor thing.
Halfway home though, Grandma saw a Modem Pole and asked us to stop. We did because it made her stop crying and it really was interesting. Grandma named it Vector after my dead grandpa because she thought it looked just like him. When we left she cried again and learned later it was because she'd contracted a Virus.
Grandma is better now and wants to go Phishing again. I'm tempted to say I can't go and Pay a Pal to take her instead. What do you think?
Andy's Answer to No Phishing
Dear No Phishing,
I can understand your feelings. It's hard to do something you hate doing as it is, but it gets more difficult when you feel obligated to do it to make someone you love happy. I think it is not right to deceive your grandmother, nor to Pay a Pal to take your place. Invite your dad and siblings or cousins as a Backup so you won't be solely responsible for her. Grandma's don't live forever and making her happy is a kind and thoughtful thing to do. Have fun.
Man Preoccupied With His Own Face
My girlfriend says I am too conceited just because I like my looks. I have a handsome face and I like looking at it. Sometimes when I'm bored I like to have Face Time. That's where I stand in front of the mirror and admire it. I walk past Windows and enjoy seeing my reflection. I even created my own Face Book, which I keep on my Desktop for quick reference. Each Page has a different expression. There's the goofy face where I make my eyes Google out. Then there's the page where I'm looking up at the Skype and see a Cloud and am filled with wonder. My favorite is the one where I look very Emojical. I've enjoyed the book so much I've put in an Extension with still more Snap Chats of my face. I keep extras in a File Folder. I also have several images of myself on the wall for Display.
I see nothing wrong with this but my girlfriend says it's creepy and egotistical and she's ready to break up with me.
Andy, I don't want to lose her. What should I do?
Facing a Decision
Andy's Answer to Facing a Decision
Dear Facing a Decision,
I don't believe I've ever received such a letter. Hmm, where do I start?
I will just be direct. Your preoccupation with your looks is abnormal, and I wonder if you ever compliment your girlfriend on her looks. It's all well and good you appreciate your face activities, but love is not really love unless you give it to someone else. I suspect your girlfriend doesn't believe you care about her or that you value anything about her as much as you do about yourself. You have made it all about you, my friend. I suggest some counseling to work through your issues. Then you will better be able to hold onto a relationship. Please consider my advice seriously. Best wishes.
I am an entrepreneur. I started out in instant breakfast cereal - Insta-Grams - made of graham crackers and instant oatmeal. You are familiar with my company I'm sure - GEEK Brand. From there we went on to create organic Proxy Flakes, Tweet Twiitteros, and High Cyber Net Flix. I am proud to say my company has created many Jobs for guys named Steve.
Last year we ran all of our cereals through a Processor and ground it up, then threw it all in a fire to roast to make a new product called Zuckerbergers. It was a huge success and we have opened some restaurants. People love to come in and watch the Drop Down Menu on the wall where it is easy to read. We now have ten stores.
Despite all this good news, two terrible events happened that may put us out of business. First, someone choked in a restaurant, Hacking violently. They nearly died and we are being sued. Then we had an inspection yesterday and received Notification that some of the grain got behind the Adobe Fire Wall and clogged the ducts which is a Code violation. They are threatening to close us down unless we fix it immediately. The Bill just came through the Gates. It will cost a mind Blogging one hundred million dollars. I just don't have that much money freed up to pay it unless I put a hold on paychecks, which is App to lead to a strike. My whole empire Domain could Crash. My attorney is a rather QWERTY guy and says not to worry. What should I do?
Andy's Answer to Running Scared
Dear Running Scared,
First of all, you need a new Attorney and business adviser who are on the same Homepage as you. I know nothing of corporate matters so this is a little out of my league. Best wishes.
I hope your week just started out with a few laughs. Don't you wonder what it must be like for Andy each week to get these weird letters from really weird people, in really bizarre situations? I'll bet he doesn't get much sleep or he has to wear Depends to work every day. Andy and I do hope you'll return next Monday. Have a great week and don't freak!
Which story gave you the biggest laugh out loud?
© 2019 Lori Colbo