Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Faces the Music
Hello everyone, and Happy Monday. Dear Andy here thanking you all for Tuning in this week. The theme is Music. Music terminology, music genres, song titles and lyrics, references to singers, music idioms, and much much more. Everyone loves Music so settle down in the concert hall and let's get started.
Online Date Doesn't Go Well
I am a single woman of thirty-five. I have a lot of Treble getting dates. I am very overweight and Fret every time I step on a Scale. My sister Melody is a size five, stunningly gorgeous, and men fawn all over her. She loves to taunt me, "Aria dating yet?" I just don't seem to Measure up, so I said to her one time, "Now wait just a Minuet I don't like your Tone. You are not going to Chorale me into feeling inferior. Why don't you set me up with someone?"
She asked me what kind of guy and I said someone handsome like Han Solo and have a good job like an Aerosmith engineer. She rolled her eyes and said playing matchmaker was not her Forte. So I went on eHarmonious, the dating website, and started talking to a nice guy named Clef Richards. He made a real Impression on me so we met up and went on a date. He was a bit quirky. He Marches to the Beat of His Own Drum. When our date was over he put a Ring on my finger as a Cymbal of our friendship. He is moving way too fast. I am not THAT desperate. I told him to Tone it down but he keeps Harping on me to be more committed. He accused me of Stringing him along. I'm Singing another Tune about rushing into a relationship. It seems The Doors are always closing to love in my life. I have a bad Vibe. What should I do?
The Fat Lady Sings
Andy's Answer to The Fat Lady Sings
Dear The Fat Lady Sings,
Clef Sounds needy, clingy, demanding, and passive-aggressive. I think you should trust your instincts on this one and good for you for being willing not to settle for anyone. Say Bye Bye Love firmly. If you want a good and lasting relationship, you want to make sure it is with someone who you are comfortable with and who treats you with respect. And those doors you spoke about, Break on Through to the other side by using your wits and wisdom and you'll find the right man.
PS Don't call yourself Fat!
A Gambling Fiance Breaks Her Heart
I recently discovered my fiance is a gambler. I Heard It Through the Grapevine. At the casinos, they call him Jumpin' Jack Flash. He's also a Pinball Wizard. I've always wondered why he carries around so much Lute. He always has reasons that sound Pausable, but I realize now he's a pathological Lyre. He's always saying about money, "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." It's never enough. Then I knew it was a Classical case of gambling addiction. It was like a Jagger going through my heart when this all came down.
I asked him to go to Gamblers Anonymous, but Wild Horses couldn't keep him away from the casinos. Then he started betting me: "I'll bet you fifty bucks you can't make me go to Gambler's Anonymous." Or, "I'll bet you a Starbucks coffee you can't guess how much money I'll make at the poker tables." He was inCapoble of quitting his gambling. After my 19th Nervous Breakdown, I was done Fiddling around so I told him "Hit the Road, Jack," and Baroque off the engagement.
He soon sent a Grungey Punk over to collect the fifty bucks and the Starbucks coffee, and a whole lot more. He was mean and I got scared and fell down the stairs. I now have a ruptured Disco in my Bach and a new Heavy Metal rod in my spine. I can no longer walk but have to Hip Hop around. I also got a Percussion and see double sometimes. I called the cops of course and Accordion to them, the former fiance has a long Rap sheet. The punk guy is still loose. As Time Goes By I am more and more afraid to leave my house. What should I do?
All Shook Up
Andy's Answer to All Shook Up
Dear All Shook Up,
I am terribly sorry for your misfortune. There are a few options I can think of. First, maybe you could go to Jack and ask him to call off the Punk. Or you could get a restraining order on the punk. Or you could give Jack the fifty bucks and a Vente Starbucks drink and hopefully call it good (that's not really a good option). Perhaps you can send Jack the medical bills. Or you can find a male friend who will be your bodyguard when you go out.
I hope you will remain safe.
Boss Comes to Work Sick
I and my co-workers are at our wits end with the boss. He's always coming to work sick. Recently he came to work with a Staff infection. How he manages to work ill is beyond us. But now people are getting really sick. When I complained to Hymn he had no Symphony Chorus. I went to him the Fourth, and Fifth times, but still he Cantata imagine why we're upset.
It is now at a critical stage as our advertising head caught something from the boss and is now being Tuba fed and needs an Organ donor or he'll die. Another person was so stressed he came down with Trombonsis and is fighting for his life. What can we do?
Andy's Answer to Disgusted Employee
Dear Disgusted Employee,
What a rude boss you have. He needs to Face the Music and take responsibility for his actions. I'm very sorry about all the Folks who have become sick. Blow the Whistle on your boss. I would go to the owner of the business and Pitch a fit. Drum Up Support and have one or more people Accompany you. Drum it into the owner's Head that it is a dire situation and you Flat out want an immediate Resolution. I hope that works. If not write to me again and we'll brainstorm some more.
A GPS Nightmare Brings Andy a Big Surprise
My GPS went haywire Yesterday, and I got lost. I was with my brother Jude. We were taking a Day Tripper to the naval shipyard twenty miles away to see the Yellow Submarine that just came to port. The GPS said to go down Penny Lane, make a left on Abbey Road, follow it ten miles, then take a slight right down Bluejay Way. We came to a dead end and the GPS said, "You made a wrong turn, you are Back in the USSR."
My brother got mad and said, "Dear Prudence, Don't Let Me Down. Get Back on the right road and quit driving Helter Skelter."
"Hey Jude," I said. "Let It Be. Now and Then, the GPS is wrong."
So I made a U-turn and the GPS took us down a Long and Winding Road. Suddenly we were in a country hilly area and we saw some Fool on the Hill yelling at us. I rolled down the window and he said: "Hey Sexy Sadie, watch out for Rocky Racoon."
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I am the Walrus, goo goo ga joob."
Okaaay. We left and finally found some waterfront and parked. We couldn't find the Yellow Submarine, but we found an Octopus' Garden. So we got back in the car. The GPS went haywire again. It took us to Strawberry Fields, then the Norwegian Wood. At one point we saw a mailman and asked for directions. "Please Mr. Postman, tell us which way to go." Well, we ended up in Kansas City. So I said, "Okay, I'll Follow the Sun."
We went Here, There, and Everywhere but were hopelessly lost. I cried out to God, "Help." It got dark and we had to pull over and say Good Night. Before we knew it Here Comes the Sun. "Good Morning, Good Morning." Jude started in on me again and I told him he could Drive My Car if he was so smart. It seemed like he took us Across the Universe. We finally gave up and went home and I was Glad All Over.
Do You Want to Know a Secret, Andy? I am very impressed with you which is why I'm writing to you. Andy, I've Got to Get You Into My Life so I made up this tale. It was a Magical Mystery Tour in my mind. I'm really a Paperback Writer.
You may think I'm a Loser after this, but I've Got a Feeling, Oh Darlin', We Can Work it Out. What say you, Andy?
PS I Love You
Dear Andy's Answer to Lovely Rita
Dear Lovely Rita,
Ahem, after reading your letter, I'm So Tired. I Don't Want to Spoil the Party, but I've Got a Woman. I've received love letters before. I mean Everybody's Trying to Be My Baby. Like Eleanor Rigby, Maggie Mae, Lady Madonna, Lucille, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Long Tall Sally, and Dizzy Miss Lizzy. In My Life, I have to be careful with love letters. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am a Nowhere Man except for my Honey Pie. After all those women coming after me, she told me you better Run for Your Life if I ever catch you with any of them.
So lovely Rita, this is Hello, Goodbye.
Which of the bad people would you most like to set straight?
Who gave Andy the most run for his money?
© 2019 Lori Colbo