Skip to main content

Dear Andy Advice Column for the Birds

  • Author:
  • Updated date:

Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.

You know the old saying, "Birds of a feather flock together?" Well, the "cuckoos" are here in force this week. I tell you, no wonder Andy's been a little testy lately. But Andy's at his best this week and I think he handled things well.

The sale on Depends is over this week so I hope you're well prepared.

Couple in Trouble After Watching In-Flight Movies

Dear Andy,

On a Lark, we recently moved to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee from Heron Island, Washington. After the movers left my wife and I caught a flight to Knoxville. They had several in-Flight movie options. My wife and I were at odds as to which to watch. I wanted to see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or The Birdbox. She wanted to see The Maltese Falcon or The Owl and the Pussycat.

We argued back and forth. She said she wasn't about to watch a bunch of Loony and Dodo Birds prancing around a mean old hen nurse. And the Birdbox was too scary and disturbing. I said I'm not a Bogey fan and I'm allergic to pussycats. We agreed to watch half of Cuckoo's Nest and half of the Owl and the Pussycat (I took my allergy medicine).

Well, my wife was on Nurse Rached's side. When Rached was being mean to the psychiatric patients, she stood up and started Flapping around and cheering. I, on the other hand, was Hooting and Cackling at Jack Nicholson's antics. Everyone looked at us angrily. So we turned on The Owl and the Pussycat. I began to sneeze profusely. The man in front of me, who stutters, kept saying "Hoo? Hoo is sneezing all over my head?" Then we got into an argument. They made an emergency landing in Chicago and my wife and I were escorted like common criminals off the plane.

When we caught another plane to Knoxville, we were horrified to see our images on the front pages of the national newspapers and now we are in hiding from embarrassment. I am afraid even to go to a doctor to treat my allergies.

What can we do to save face? Should we change our identities?


Andy's Answer to Mortified

Dear Mortified,

Wow, talk about humiliating? I'm sorry about your bad new start. But people forget quickly. If you were only on the news one day you should be good. No need to get new identities.

I am not sure why the movie made your allergies flare, after all, there is no literal cat in the movie and if there were, it would be in the movie screen, not your lap. Perhaps it was the air flow in the cabin.

Best wishes for a new life,



Husband Says Beloved Mother-In-Law Can't Sing

Dear Andy,

I am a blessed man. I have one of the most delightful mothers-in-law ever. We are very close. She is witty and wise. She likes to Sing for us whenever we are all together. The problem is, she's a terrible singer. She Warbles and Trills off key so bad it's hard to listen to. Depending on the Song, sometimes she Shrieks and Squawks. We try hard not to cover our ears and Fly the Coop. The dear thing awaits our praise after every Song, which only makes her want to continue. It's starting to spoil our times together. I am starting to wish I was deaf.

How should we handle this? We all love her so much and don't want to hurt her feelings.


Deaf Wish

Andy's Answer to Deaf Wish

Dear Deaf Wish,

I very rarely get letters speaking of loving their mothers-in-law so I was touched by your fondness for her. But listening to her terrible singing must be very difficult. I commend you for wanting to honor and affirm her and have had such patience so far.

There is no easy way to handle this problem. You might try to distract her in some way. I would get together with your family and discuss it. What other things does she like to do with you and your family? Maybe you can take her out where she is not likely to sing. I wish I was more helpful. I feel for her and for you.

Good luck,



Weirdo Neighbor Very Annoying

Dear Andy,

We have a neighbor, Bill, that is a real Feather-brain. I Egret to say, I don't like him much. Get a load of this:

Every morning, Miss Robin Partridge, our hot Chick neighbor down the street, walks by with her little dog on their morning stroll. Bill starts Strutting around like a Peacock and Whistles at her. I have to smile as this morning she had her little dog soil his yard. That really stuck in his Caw and put him in a Fowl mood. He Brooded half the morning as he stood out front hosing off his lawn.

We kind of felt sorry for him so we invited him over for a small Wingding. Some other neighbors joined us. Well, old Bill decided we should do something fun. He suggested we play Duck Duck Goose. That was hard to Swallow since it's a kids game. Then he wanted us all to Flamingo dance. When we poo-pooed that he wanted to play Scavenger hunt. When we said we just wanted to sit around and shoot the Breeze, he called us all a bunch of Yellow Belly sap-suckers and Thrushed off. It was a pretty Beak afternoon. He ruined our party. My wife called him a harmless dumb Cluck.

We are a God-fearing Christian couple and feel ashamed of our disdain for him. How can we learn to like and be nice to Bill?

Struggling Neighbor

Andy's Answer To Struggling Neighbor

Dear Struggling Neighbor,

Yes, Bill does sound like an odd Duck but as the good book says, we must love our neighbor as ourselves. In this case, because you have no affection for him you show love by being kind, doing loving things. The feelings will hopefully follow. The real challenge comes when he starts acting strange. You can't Put Your Head in the Sand like an Ostrich and ignore it.

Spend some time in prayer and ask God how you can reach out to Bill. And there is something to be said for just doing things he likes to do. Big deal if he wants to play a children's game or do exotic dances, loosen up and try it for his sake and I'll bet you'll surprise yourself and have fun.

Bill is lucky to have neighbors who want to reach out despite their feelings. Hope it all works out.



Underhanded Business Troubles Worker

Dear Andy

I work for a Fledgling company. The upper management is a bunch of Vultures trying to devour the lower management's accounts. One of them constantly Hovers over us and Hen Pecks us trying to get us to do menial tasks that are not part of our job. Another is a Parroting sycophant. They watch us like Hawks hoping to catch us in some minor infraction.

To make matters worse, in order to try and save the company, they hired a new CEO. At our first meeting, she spent the whole time shoving Oriel cookies down her Gullet. She chews with her mouth open and the crumbs Flew and made us Finch and our eyes Flutter. Then she pulled out a pocket mirror and started Preening, picking her teeth and smoothing her hair.

Just this morning she spent most of the meeting Tweeting on Twitter and posting photos of her cookies on Instagram. After the meeting I read her tweet:

Presiding over first meeting at new executive job. @NewJobAsCEO #Cookie#Executive#Oriels

The company took a big financial Swan dive when they found out she bought ten thousand packages of her precious cookies. Now they can't make payroll. I think that's a Cardinal sin.

Long story short, we lower peons are planning a Coo. I'm having second thoughts, though as I am a big Chicken. Should I go through with it or follow my gut?

Floundering Businessman

Andy's Answer to Floundering Businessman

Dear Floundering Businessman,

Get out of there. It's not worth your effort. They are obviously going to continue to decline. Mark my words, they are going to implode and you'll be out of a job soon enough. If there's time, keep the job until you can get a new one. If it's too risky, leave and get a better job. I am sorry for your troubles. It's no fun being ruled by Cretans like your upper management. Best wishes,



© 2019 Lori Colbo