Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Around the World
What is Dear Andy?
Dear Andy is a newspaper advice column run every Monday (a great way to start out the week). Andy is a young man with wisdom and patience beyond his years who took up the torch to keep a "Dear Abby" type column alive. Andy seems to draw letters from eccentrics, weirdos, or sound people in weird predicaments, One thing's for sure, his letters keep us laughing.
Good Monday to you. Dear Andy is a little late today. What with summer and all, things are busy. Andy takes a trip around the world this week without leaving his desk. References to other countries, cultures, cities, languages, world leaders and much more abound in the letters he received. He was not lacking for weirdos this week, or weird situations. I'm thinking of setting up a Go Fund Me Account to raise money for Andy's next vacation. The funny farm costs lots of money. Hold on to your hats...
Pet Guinea Pig Threatens Harm to Owner
I was Russian around this morning trying to get ready for work. I popped a frozen Belgium waffle in the toaster, and poured myself a Columbian coffee, put on my coat because it was quite Chile outside, and left for the office. I was halfway there when I realized I forgot to Czech on our Guinea pig Jose so Iran back home and found him very Hungary and very cranky. He looked at me as if to say "Kenya just feed me you Laos?"
Darned if we weren't out of his food. I looked all around the kitchen and all I could come up with was an old box of Malta Meal. I put it in his cage and he looked at me like "Norway am I eating this. I want Samoa my pellets."
I took offense. Beggars can't be choosers you know, so I said, "This is what I Serbia and if you don't like it you can Singapore song."
"Are you Syria?" his look said.
"As a matter of fact, Jose, yes. Now eat because I have Togo."
And then I heard a voice from his cage. Andy, I'm not kidding. You know what he said? "Turkey."
Since when do Guinea pigs eat Turkey? "Uganda be dead if you don't eat your Malta Meal," I told him, and I left for work.
When I got home at four in the afternoon Jose was Basqueing in his glory, munching on a Turkey drumstick. Greece was dripping down his wee little arm. Where he got it I don't know but I got so mad I grabbed it away and gave him a Romania lettuce leaf.
"There ya little creep. Now I'm going to the Liberia to check out a book on how to get revenge on your pet Guinea pig. Kuwait here and I'll be back shortly."
When I returned home Jose was gone. I looked everywhere for him but couldn't find him. Iraqued my brain but couldn't think where he might have gone. Then I found a note in his cage.
Dear Chad (that's my name),
I Haiti break it to you, but I'm Ghana detonate a Grenada at four twenty-two if you don't Sweden my menu with a Cuba sugar. Hasta Latvia, baby."
I looked at the clock and saw I had five minutes. We had no sugar cubes so I filled a little China cup saucer with Sweet and Low. Then I ran out of the door and waited at the end of the block to see if the house would blow up. It didn't. When I went back into the house, there was my wife in her Bahamas chatting with Jose while he licked up his Sweet and Lo. I told her, "Belize tell me you're behind all this nonsense."
She was indeed in cahoots with Jose because she likes playing mind games with me. I am relieved on the one hand and furious on the other. I am tired of Bejing made a fool of. I have no dignity. I just needed to vent, Andy. No answer necessary.
Andy's Answer to Humiliated
What a story. I have a few thoughts, even though you didn't require an answer. First, I am wondering if you're pulling my leg. Secondly, if not I wonder if you have neglected taking your medication lately. Thirdly, if you got Shanghaied by your wife I think she needs to be Evaluated. Jose needs to go. Whatever the reality is I wish you all the best.
I work in a Dehli and love what I do. But it's no surprise that I deal with difficult customers. Today a man came in and ordered Lima bean salad, Polish sausage, and Peking duck. We had no Polish sausage and there was no duck so he asked for Vienna sausage and Yukon gold potato salad. The potatoes are red so he asked for the Mediterranean salad. He was very gracious. I gave him his order and went on to the next customer.
The new customer asked for Fuji apple and walnut salad, but we only had golden delicious and pecan. He was fit to be Thaid and pitched a fit.
"How about a free Hamburger?" I said.
"No. Fuji Apple and walnut salad."
"I can give you a free Frankfurter."
"What about German potato salad?"
"Nope, but Hungarian goulash would work."
"Sorry, we don't make it."
"How about Swedish steak?"
"No can do, but we have Swiss cheese."
"No, but I'd love a Danish.
This went on for fifteen more minutes. Finally, the manager came down. I was so empParised to be in trouble. The man said the customer is always right. But we couldn't fill his order. Security came and took him away. When I left for home there was a Manila envelope in my locker. I was being fired. They won't give me a reason. What are my options?
Andy's Answer to Stunned Dehlicatessen
Dear Stunned Dehilicatessen,
Dealing with rude customers is always a pain. My hat is off to all customer service folks.
If you have a union you should go there for help. If it's a good union they will advocate for you. You pay dues so they should be very willing to help you. Good luck.
Psychologist Concerned About Andy's Mental Health
I am a clinical psychologist and I read your column. I must put Ephesus on my concern for the people who write to you. They have some very Rio psychological disturbances. Some of them Babylon making no sense, it's all Greek to me. I can't Bolivia their stories sometimes. However, some of their stories are Sudan funny I have laughed out loud. They can be very enterSpaining.
My main concern is for you, Andy. Reading those Pyramids of letters from sick people every week can take its toll on your mental and emotional well-being. I recommend you read my new best-selling book Workplace Stress Isreal Syrias. You can get it on Amazon. It will give you a list of Sines of mental stress. You don't want your sanity aNileated. I also enclosed my card if you'd like further help. If I am not available, you can speak to my colleague OLibya London PhD.
Dr. Ben Ghazi PhD
Andy's Answer to Dr. Ben Ghazi
Dear Dr. Ghazi,
I do appreciate your concern for me. I want to assure you I'm doing fine. I will read your book and thank you. If I have any problems I will give you a call.
Newphew's Concern for Aunt
My name is Josh, I am eleven years old. I am worried about my Ant Artica. When I went to stay with her she would Rome the neighborhood and I would have to go find her. I also found her Putin the Lenins in the refrigerator. She tried to put the Gadaffi maker on the top shelf and it fell and Hitler right on the head.
I know she needs help but she begged me not to tell. I keep Stalin telling my folks because I promised not to. But I'm worried. What should I do?
Dear Andy Answers Worried Nephew
Dear Worried Nephew,
You are so sweet to be concerned for your Ant Artica. To make the decision, you have to consider what's best for her to keep her safe. It's obvious she cannot be alone much longer. Tell your parents immediately. Tell your Ant Artica you are more concerned about her safety. I wish you and your family all the best.
Well, there you have it. I think Andy is getting a kick out of the letters he's been getting on pets and household pests. You have to admit, they are pretty far-fetched. It is summer now and lots of things to go, people to see, and places to go. Enjoy and be safe.