Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Advises Sweet Talkers
It's Time For Sweets
Dear Andy got some good rest after advising some really silly people last week. He was able to return to his readers fully refreshed.
This week's column is running over with sweet talking weirdos. The theme focuses mostly on candy, but also other sweets. If you're trying to cut sugar out of your diet or you are diabetic, you should probably skip this installment and come back next week.
I'm running a special on Depends. Here's the discount code: LOL
Star Gazing Boyfriend
My new boyfriend Hershey is an amateur astronomer, which is fine except every date is at the observatory. This place is filled with space Nerds. All I hear every date is "Look." "There's a Starburst." "We can See's Mars." The other night he and some other Smarties nearby laughed when I said "Milk Duds," instead of "Milkyway," and when I sang "Twinkie, Twinkie little star." What do I know about celestial songs?
I finally told him I want to do something else for a change. So he took me to the Kit Kat club, and we danced to the music. But he has two left feet and there were lots of Snickers by the other people. Finally, he took me home. At my door, I enjoyed Hershey's Kisses. Then he said to me "Tootsie, I want to Roll on with stargazing, Now and Laters."
Despite it all, Andy, he's a Big Hunk and really Sweet. How can I get it through his Ding Dong head I want to do other things?
Bored With Stars
Andy's Answer to Bored With Stars
Dear Bored With Stars,
You are in a really Sticky situation. Even though he's a Sweet hunk and his kisses Melt in Your Mouth, you need to decide if he's worth it. You might consider breaking up and going out with a Jolly Rancher or a Pop that Rocks. You deserve someone sensitive and unselfish.
Clumsy Wife Seeks Revenge
I am a very clumsy person. My husband Reese called me Butterfingers the other day and it hurt my feelings and made me mad. The second after he said that I accidentally knocked my cup of Toffee all over his lap. "Oopsie daisy!" (wink). Reese went to Pieces. He was Roloing on the floor creamy in pain. I told him I am not a woman to be Truffled with, and from now on he can call me Ladyfingers.
My marriage is very Brittle now. How do you think we can restore it?
Toffee Drop Wife
Andy's Answer to Toffee Drop Wife
Dear Toffy Drop Wife,
Wow. You guys need a major overhaul. Sit down with Reese and calmly tell him it hurts your feelings when he calls you names and makes fun of you. Tell him you can't help that you're clumsy. If he crosses the line again, go to marriage counseling.
Man No Good at Fishing
I'm a city boy and am not much of an outdoorsman. But my three work buddies determined to make a fisherman out of me so we went to the lake over the weekend. I made a mess of the bait. My Worms were all Gummy because I left my Tic Tackle box open in the sun. I am proud to say I did catch one fish, but the guys told me it was a Swedish Fish and they are too Chewy to eat so we threw it back in. I asked them what if I cooked it in a Confectionary oven. All of a sudden Clem's eye twitched when he looked at the other guys. I asked him if he had something in his eye and he started coughing with a grimace on his face.
I asked them how Swedish Fish get into an American lake? All of a sudden Dudley let out a whoop and fell backward out of the boat. I tossed out a Life Saver to him. The guys laughed at him for the rest of the day and all the way home. He laughed right with them. They begged me to come back next weekend for more fun. They said the Turkish fish will Delight my taste buds and not to worry. I don't get why there are foreign fish in the lake. How can I tell them I don't want to fish anymore without hurting their feelings?
Andy Answers Lousy Fisherman
Dear Lousy Fisherman,
I hate to break it to you buddy, but they made a sucker out of you. There is no such thing as a Swedish Fish, nor a Turkish one either. They were pulling your leg, and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker (no pun intended).
Stick to city life and keep your pals from drowning.
Teenage Girl in Trouble At School
My history teacher Mr. Goodbar was out sick. The sub was Miss Heathbar. She is one tough Cookie. She accused me of Fudging on an exam. She claimed she saw me look at my neighbor's paper. I told her I have a lazy eye and lost my glasses. In front of the whole class she said, "Candy, I've heard some Whoppers in my time but that one really takes the Cake."
I told her I didn't Dessert being called a liar and I was going to Retorte her to the school board.
She said back, "Okay, Miss Gingersnap, you want to mouth off S'more and Fritter away our afternoon, go ahead, but I promise to drive you Taffy with my Jawbreaker wit."
I stared her down to prove I wasn't scared. She told me to Popover to the principal's office. I did and you know what he said to me? "Make like a Banana and Split."
I think they were both rude Pudding me down like that. It's all so unfair. Should I go to the schoolboard?
--In the Right
Andy's Answer to In the Right
Dear In the Right,
Goodie goodie Gumdrops for Mrs. Heathbar calling you out and the Principal for sending you home. They are right. You are in the wrong. When you are allowed back in school, apologize to Mrs. Heathbar, and behave yourself.