Dear Andy Advice Column Full of Entertainment
Dear Andy Turns Weekly
Welcome one and all. By popular demand, the Dear Andy pun advice column is going weekly. Check in every Monday to hear his pun advice to really weird people.
This week's column uses puns from the entertainment field. This means movie and television titles, celebrity names, and various entertainment jargon.
Hold on to your Depends.
Woman Witnesses a Crime
I was walking Meryly down the Streep in the Downton area the other day and witnessed a Show of Crime. A man tried to grab a Grammy's purse. He produced a knife and I saw the Clint of it in the sun, there on Eastwood and Broadway streets. He knocked her down and was just about to stab her when a Car, Dashian down the road, stopped, got out, pulled out a gun and Directed it at him. The robber fled. It is hard To Catch a Thief and he got away. The gun man returned to help the lady Stand Up. I am the Prime witness and must testify in court. I am very shy and Frozen with fear. What should I do?
Andy's Answer to Prime Witness
Dear Prime Witness,
My oh my. That must have been very Dramatic to witness. I hope the woman is okay and glad you didn't try anything heroic.
Take a deep breath, Prime, and get a Grip. I would suggest Rehearsing your testimony with a friend or attorney. I hope that will help.
Son Dating an Older Woman
I am worried about my twenty-year-old son. He is Depply in love with an older woman (forty-three). This Lady is Gaga over him. He came to me last Saturday Night and said, "Mom, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" Well, she came to dinner the next evening and it went badly.
First of all, this gal is a beautiful Italian woman. All evening she called me Mama Mia. Secondly, she was in total La La Land, very Spacey, a real Clooney toon. Thirdly, instead of calling my son by his name, she calls him "The Bachelor." I was very naughty, Andy. I put a Whoopi cushion on her chair and enjoyed The View when she sat down. I know, Despicable Me. But she has totally Bewitched him and I feel this is going to be a Fatal Attraction.
My son is furious and says I went Overboard. He called her the Beauty and me the Beast. It is not my usual Hobbit to interfere in my son's love life but this is an exception. Our mother-son relationship is now in great Jeopardy. He says I am Unforgiven. What should I do? I do love my son.
Beastly Mama Mia
Andy's Answer to Beastly Mama Mia
Dear Beastly Mama Mia,
Sorry for the delay, but it was a long time before I could get up off the floor from laughing at your Comedy. Whoopi cushion, you slay me.
Ahem, now I must be Andy. Tsk tsk, you are indeed naughty and disrespectful. Your relationship with your son will continue to be Rocky if you don't apologize to her as well as your son. Take her out to Breakfast at Tiffany's, a lovely restaurant in your area. Show her kindness and get to know her. She may be Oz, but chances are you will end up liking her. Hope it all works out.
PS Leave the Whoopi cushion at home. Bwahaha.
Man Out of Touch With Reality
Strange things are happening to me. For the last few weeks, I hear The Sound of Music coming out of the shower head whenever I shower. A couple of those times I lost total touch with reality and I was out On the Waterfront, Singing in the Rain. The water seems to feel cold and doesn't bother me, but when I return to sanity it's a Steamy Scene. Most, at least Some Like it Hot when they shower and that is usually true for me.
Also, recently I have been having angry outbursts. At the slightest thing, I become a Raging Bull and have the power of 12 Angry Men. I am typically a Die Hard Lovebug so this is very upsetting to me and my wife both. After these outbursts, I am struck with Vertigo and disoriented. One minute I think I am North By Northwest, or I'm certain I am East of Eden or Gone With the West.
It gets worse Andy. Sometimes I imagine other things and believe them to be true. Like the other day, I thought my wife was at the height of a tower wailing like a Denzel in distress. I was a Dark Knight called to save her. Suddenly I came to myself and I was at the bottom of a ladder. My wife was at the top of the ladder yelling at me to hand her a Crew so she could fix a loose gutter.
My wife called me a Psycho. I'm calling on you for advice. I really need The Help.
Andy's Answer to Psycho Sam
Dear Psycho Sam,
I am truly sorry to hear of these misfortunes. I suggest you consult with a network of doctors I can recommend for you. It sounds like you are experiencing delusions from a psychiatric disorder. Here is a list of doctors in your area to consult with:
Dr. Who - a memory specialist
Dr. Strange - a psychiatrist who is rather peculiar but good in his field.
Dr. No - an internal medicine doctor. He doesn't answer questions.
Dr. Jekyll - A psychologist. He has a weird sense of humor. He likes to Hyde.
I hope this list will prove helpful.
Take care and best wishes.
I am a salesman of just about everything and I am really good at it. Why just last week I sold Sally a Field, Harrison a Ford, Jane a Fonda motorcycle, Tom a Cruise, a Golden Globe for Emmy to put on her Christmas tree, and Oscar a Studio apartment. I also do good deeds. Why just yesterday I made Morgan a Freeman by anonymously paying his bail. As you can see, I have Talent and a Lifetime of Achievement. Andy, I am a legend.
I am getting ready to retire and I have my own Bucket List to fulfill. I would like to travel and find Action and Adventure. It's a Wonderful Life out there. I do have one problem. My new Princess Bride is an American Beauty and men are attracted to her. When we were in LA recently a Taxi Driver flirted with her as we drove down Sunset Boulevard. She flirted right back in front of me. She also drinks too much Brando and is often hungover. How should I deal with this Andy?
Andy's Answer to A Legend
Dear A Legend,
I Applaud you for your successes. And congratulations on your recent marriage.
I am sorry to hear your new wife flirts and drinks. Part of the problem may be that you brag a lot and are too full of yourself. No offense, legend, but I think You're a Legend in Your Own Mind. If you put more effort into making her feel like the legend rather than yourself, she will probably stop flirting and drinking and not wake up with The Hangover. If she is your princess, make her feel like one.
Andy's Last Word
This is Andy. Whew! What a bunch of looneys, except for Prime Witness. She was normal and had a legitimate problem. Please come by next week to hear more advice to weirdos, the downtrodden, whiners, and those in true need. And please, pray for me to retain my sanity. Thanks for stopping by. Until next time, make puns and let puns make you.
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© 2019 Lori Colbo