Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.
Welcome! No Partisan Political Agenda, Just Fun and Games
Welcome to this special edition of Dear Andy. Andy is a few days early but he just couldn't wait until Monday to publish his latest edition. The candidates for the 2020 election season are already out there garnering votes with all their promises and Andy received some interesting letters from some. For those of you who hate politics you are excused from this edition, however, this piece is not about my opinion on partisan politics. Each candidate is fair game as they say. It's all tongue in cheek. Three candidates wrote to Andy and one who is considering running (fictitiously). Some of the candidates are trying to win Andy's support because he is so experienced advising weirdos and buffoons. You see the connection pretty clearly I'm sure and so do Andy and I. Some just want his advice or opinion on certain matters.
In their letters you will hear puns with a literary theme; this includes fiction, poetry, the media, classic literature, English grammar. literary devices and terminology, and much more.
Take a seat in the bleachers and listen in.
Trump Seeks to Hire Andy for Campaign
President Trump here. Andy, I would like you to be my Twitter Account Manager. You are the First Person I thought of. In case you can't do it, I have a Second and Third Person in mind, but I prefer you because you are fantastic at giving advice, good at dealing with people, and you're going to get famous, and that will make me look greater and more famous than I already am. You also have a fantastic, Adjective Point of View.
I have a lot of friends who find you Inspirational because you are a terrific, Epic adviser. I want you to be a part of my winning the 2020 election for President of the United States by Tweeting my campaign promises, opinions, and plans to continue to make America great again. I will be much too busy offending people in person. I know you're a terrific guy and I can trust you to point out to my enemies that their Ode ideas are terrible, just terrible, and that they are terrible, awful, horrible people for not liking me. They don't want the wall and that's terribly terrible.
My election is already in the bag because the smart American people love me, they think I've done a fantastic job so far. But there is a lot of fake news out there because the mainstream media are liberals who lie, they are terrible too. Speaking of fake news, Twitter is the perfect place to put out the truth and Exposé the false Narratives the media and liberals are putting out there. I just learned that word "narrative," and added it to my vast vocabulary.
This reminds me, when you are tweeting, be sure to use a large vocabulary like I have. Be sure to use "fantastic" and "terrific" for positive things, and "terrible," "awful" and "horrible" for negative. That kind of vocabulary really impresses people. I know you're a terrific, nice, well-mannered man, Andy, but I have an aide who will help you in being a little more offensive because that is the only way to be when terrible people are horrible. If you want to know a little secret, I call bad people Boxy Morons. "Boxies" or "Morons" for short. Haha. I give you the Authority to use that term if you like. It will make them mad but Orwell, if they don't like it, too bad, right Andy? If anyone gives you a hard time let me know and I will sic my Apes of Wrath on them.
Andy, I can pay you handsomely, and as a Tolkien of my Affectation, you can spend a week in Mar-a-logo, on the house. It's fantastic. I had a particularly good time there in 1984, but I must let you go. Oh, and I have fantastic Sagar selection - help yourself. Please get back to me quickly. I am busy and Gone with the Wind most of the time.
God bless you Andy, and God Bless America.
Andy's Answer to Fantastic POTUS
Dear Fantastic POTUS,
What an honor it was to hear from you, Mr. President. It was fantastic to be asked to do your bidding on Twitter. I don't want to disappoint you, Mr. President, but I believe I am doing the job I was meant to do here. My passion is to give advice to help people with their problems, not alienate them. I am not a politically savvy man. I don't have a vast vocabulary like you. The only twittering and tweeting I am aware of are The Birdsong that comes from The Birds in my backyard. Perhaps one day we can meet as friends and you can teach me more words, that would be terrific. I hope you don't think I'm a terrible, horrible person, Mr. President, for turning down your most generous offer, but I have to be true to my calling. Get out there and make America Great Again!
God bless you, too, Mr. President. And God bless America.
P.S. Could you send me one of your Mar-a-logo Sagars as a momento, something to show my grandchildren one day?
Joe Biden's New Promise and Promotion
Joe Biden here. Listen, some people are being Antagonistic toward me and want to throw the Book at me because they think I am the Adverbial creep who is too up Prose and personal. It's Allegorically untrue. I am well Versed in non-Verbal etiquette. I was a Sonneter for many years, then the Vice President and no one complained then. I tried to Humor them with Acknowledgement of their discomfort when I am too near to them and that has calmed things down a bit.
That is not The End, however. Now I have another Conflict. People are Critiquing my super white teeth, saying they are Epistlely false. In a way, I think it's Hubris, but it really isn't Punny. It is a big Fantasy on their part. And where is it Written that people are evil for having false teeth, anyway?
I want to be reNouned for my toothy Grimm's. It makes a good impression on people. They are more trustful. Personifidley, I think my pearly white smile is Similer to Hillary's, only mine is Genrelly much brighter and Accentuates my already good looks. People are more Hooked on outward appearances. But for the record, I've had these beautiful white teeth since Grammar school. I was Noted "most likely to win elections by smiling."
I had a Novel idea today and would like your Commentary on it. I think it would be very good to develop a new toothpaste and Promote it at my campaign rallies. I'd call it "Wuthering Bites."
I will tell them, "If I am President, I will cure all tooth decay through my new toothpaste." What do you think, Andy?
P.S. I will give you a free shipment of my toothpaste for answering my questions here.
Andy's Answer to Toothy Joe
Dear Toothy Joe,
It is an honor to hear from you and be trusted in advising you. I will concede, you do have a beautiful white toothy smile. I cannot endorse business enterprises or Political candidates in this column, but I do have a few things to advise you in.
Your promise to end tooth decay is a pretty bold promise. How much do you know about tooth decay and Oral health? Are you certain you can cure tooth decay? With all due respect, sir, I think you would be taking a huge risk on that promise. And quite frankly, how are white healthy teeth going to help Climax Change, prevent national Tragedies like 9-1-1, and Interjection at the southern borders?
If I may be so bold, sir, it will be more advantageous to you to Characterize yourself as more than a handsome Hero, but as a man who wants to tackle the real and hard issues our nation faces as I know you truly do. I wish you the best of luck on the campaign trail, sir. Take care of your health. Kissing too many babies and shaking thousands of hands can make you sick.
P.S. If you go ahead with the toothpaste idea, you may want to talk to President Trump about business strategy, lol.
Bernie Sanders Plans to Make People Rich
Bernies Sanders here. It's not The Hobbit of me to complain, but I am Satired of being called a hypocrite because I am a millionaire and own three houses. People are making Much Ado About Nothing. They say it's a crime to be a rich socialist, that I have too much Pride and Prejudice. I can think of a far greater Crime and Punishment, like a billionaire President who won't turn over his tax returns.
I worked hard for that money, fair and square. If I win thiSelection and implement my tax plan, then my taxes will be shared with you and you and you, and yours will go to me, me, me. Besides all this, people need to understand The Sun Also Rises on the Rich Man, Poor Man.
In order to further help others to get rich, I am starting a new game show called "You Can Be a Millionaire Too." The Contextants have to write a bestselling book. The winner will get a million dollars and get a royal robe in The Color Purple. The first runner up will receive an all-expense paid trip Around the World in Eighty Days. The loser will get a parting gift of a free trip to Treasure Island. Their hotel will have A Room With a View.
Andy, I am socialist Legend and I covet your support by promoting my new game show so others can become millionaires too.
Andy's Answer to Rich Socialist
Dear Rich Socialist,
It is an honor sir to receive a letter from you, Sonnetor, and informing me and our readers of your plans. As I told Mr. Biden, I cannot endorse money-making enterprises, political candidates, or take a stance on specific political issues. I am simply here to give advice to people with problems. You are already famous and have traveled around the country making speeches, promises, and ideas. I think that alone will be of more help to you than anything I can do. Good luck to you on the campaign trail, sir. Be safe.
AOCs Grandiose Plans for a New Office
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez here. Since I have been in office I have been appalled at the Horror Stories I'm hearing about the concentration camps at the southern border where our president, Donald J Hitler, has torn children away from their parents and locked them in cages. No, it's not a Mystery. It's like, real, like I...I...uh...I mean who...it's the Personification of evil. I mean, you know, like something has to be...it's like...we can't let this administration continue to destroy lives of...of, well you know.
Anyway, I have been in office for six months and I have come to realize that I am like "the boss." My Green New Deal may not have received one vote, but that doesn't mean the world won't die in twelve years. I have the world all figured out and with my vast experience as a member of congress, I realize that the United States needs me to run this country for no other reason than to...like...you know...like to run the country so children can...oh, you know what I mean, Andy.
But I'm also thinking how much the world needs a good leader...like a one-world global leader, like a global boss, because our problems go much...it goes beyond the scope of like...like...like, what's going on is going to affect the whole planet. I know I am qualified because I know more than...than... when we have people in office who are old and decrepit and who haven't got a clue what this world needs so we don't die in twelve years...well not a literal twelve years, but twelve years.
So Andy, I would like your opinion on which I should run for in 2020, President of the United States, or Global Boss? When I was on my couch in my pajamas making a video to post on twitter, I realized whichever office I choose to run for I need a seal to like put out there in the, you know, like just out there, to put on campaign posters. So I made two seals - one for the red, white, and blue (the colors of our flag in case you didn't know), or for a global boss. I need a new green seal. I have drawn some sketches and would like your opinion on those two things.
Andy, you have a voice out there, because like, well, your just a voice out there waiting For Whom the Bell Tolls. The bell tolls for me to be a leader with vast knowledge and experience.
I look forward to hearing from you. Oh, and Andy, I heard your father is a dairy farmer. I'd like to talk to you privately about cow flatulence and how it's destroying the environment.
AOC The Boss
Dear Andy Answers AOC The Boss
Dear AOC The Boss,
I am honored you have taken the time to write to me. You have very grandiose ideas and volumes of knowledge for a twenty-nine year old freshman congressman. When I was twenty-nine. I thought I knew everything. I'm thirty-two now and I see how little I really knew.
As to your questions, as I told President Trump, Mr. Biden and Senator Sanders, I cannot endorse candidates. However, you simply asked me if you should run for either of those. That is a decision only you can make. Anyone in this country may run for President. As to the Global Boss, well Ms. AOC, I don't believe there is an election process for such a position. However, if you can find a way, more power to you.
Now, your seals are both attractive. I like the play on words "New Green Seal." Cute, very clever. I wish you all the best in all your endeavors. I hope we can meet one day before the twelve years is up. I like your spunk.
P.S. My dad is not a dairy farmer. He is a cattle rancher. Does horse flatulence ruin the environment as well?
Well, there you have it. Andy did an excellent job at not endorsing anyone or their products or services. He was very brave to turn them down. He did it very respectfully. Next week will be pretty hard to beat this one but oh Orwell (hahaha).
© 2019 Lori Colbo