Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Waxes Political
Although I have other pun stories by Lori in the works, Dear Andy has letters that have been piling up on his desk and he asked me to publish again. With the political scene so hot and a presidential campaign season right before us, you might pick up words here and there related to politics. I hope you will listen carefully to the letters and Andy's answers. You also may see that Andy doesn't mince words in those answers.
I have a mother-in-law problem. She recently came to live with us because she is no longer Independent. She is getting on my nerves. She has a hardy Constitution but she's always in the Oval Office, if you get my drift, and spends hours in there. The doctor gave her a Super Pack of Taxative, but it isn't working. I know, TMI. I'll move on (no pun intended).
Another health issue is she is half blind and always having Collusions with her walker. I tell her to watch out but she can't hear either. Which brings me to my next point. Because she is half deaf she's loud and Caucus. Andy, I swear she brays like a Donkey.
And yet, often when I talk to her she puts her hands over her ears and says "I can't hear you, la la la la." And she does it with a big Spin on her face.
I don't want to sound unkind, but she's as big as an Elephant. Her Trump is the size of Texas. It must be all those Barrels of Pork and Treaties she eats. Her Beltway is getting larger and larger. When my wife gets home from the grocery store I see her Line Items on the counters and realize we no longer have a Balanced Budget.
All this has made our home a Battleground State. My wife has Declared War on me. I've taken to drinking too much Campaign to cope. Please help me Andy or I shall go Wonkers.
Andy's Advice to Desperate
Shame on you for talking that way about your mother-in-law. She cannot help most of her problems. Your attitude could use some gross adjustment. Some of your rude remarks left me Stumped for speech. Grow up. Instead of Debating and arguing with your wife, you may want to take the Initiative to sit down with her and discuss how you can work together to make it better and Delegate responsibilities. If you cannot come to an agreement, you may want to get a Third Party to help, like a family counselor.
P.S. For Pete's sake, go to an AA meeting.
25 Year Old Living At Home
I'm a 25-year-old man living with my parents while I try to figure out what I want to do with my life. My parents tell me to get a job or pick a college and get an education. I told them I wanted to go to Electoral College but my dad said they are trying to shut it down.
So I got to thinking, maybe I should become a comedian because I'm good at telling jokes. My dad wasn't impressed. So I told him I could be a Pundit on Fox. I am really good at telling puns but my parents always groan when I tell them. I get so carried away sometimes, they tell me to practice Pun Control.
My dad told me to get a real job, but I'm still weighing my options and they are getting impatient. Do you think they are being unfair?
Andy's Advice to Punny Man
Dear Punny Man,
You have me laughing for sure. You are quite the Silly Buster. Are you for real?
Listen, I will admit some of those Fox News Pundits are a big joke, but you are totally clueless, Dude. Get a real job as your dad said. If you want to be a comedian, do it at night on the side in local comedy clubs. I would advise you to learn the difference between a pundit and punster first. While you're at it, learn how to be funny, not ludicrous.
Daughter's Marriage on the Rocks
My daughter Hillary and son-in-law Bernie have only been married three months and they are already on shaky ground. Bernie is always quipping about social matters. Hillary calls his comments Socialisms and hates them. It embarrasses her that he sends them out in Emails and social media. When Bernie is at work, Hillary Erases his Emails. She nags him to death and gives a running commentary on the Blue State of their marriage, and does so quite Liberally. She has cut off all physical Congress and they are sleeping in separate rooms.
I sit up all night worrying, punching my Pelosi and thrashing under my blankets as I toss and turn. I'm so tired I end up sleeping late. I need to get up Schumer so I can get off to work on time.
Tell me, Andy, how can I get Hillary and Bernie back together again? And how do I sleep at night?
Weary Worried Mama
Andy's Advice to Weary Worried Mama
Dear Weary Worried Mama,
Butt out! Quit trying to Reform and Bailout their marriage or you will become a Lame Duck. You have a right to life, a peaceful life. Sit out on your deck in the evening and drink Kool-aid before you turn in. It should relax you. Hillary and Bernie will sink or swim but that's not your problem. Take care.
Running Mate Betrayal
I am a runner. I run every day with my Running Mate Gerry Mander. Recently we were running in a marathon in a mountainous area and there was a Landslide. People were Mudslinging to get over the mess and back on the road. This was disheartening for me because before it happened I was the Front Runner. I slipped and fell trying to run over the top of the dirt and grass and ended up with Grassroots stuck to my shoes. Gerry ran past me and didn't even Motion to help me. He ended up on the Platform to receive his victory prize and I found myself the Underdog. I am full of resentment and we have been at odds. He doesn't even care about my Suffrage. I see no Resolution, do you?
Andy's Advice to Betrayed
You are being childish. It's not Appropriation to be mad at Gerry. You need to congratulate him, quit Quoruming with him, Reform your attitude, and bring Cloture to the matter. He was in the race fair and square.
I hope it all works out.
Rare Mental Illness Driving Wife Nuts
My husband Art has a very rare and serious mental health diagnosis called OCAD - Obsessive Compulsive Acronym Disorder. When he talks to people he can't stop using acronyms. It's insane.
Here was our conversation last night as an example:
Art: Honey, I can't find my GOP. I looked in the CIA but it was NRA.
Me: You can't find your Grand Old Party, you looked in the Central Intelligence Agency but it was National Rifle Association?
Art: (rolling his eyes). I couldn't find my Green Old Pants. I looked in the Cabinet In the Attic but it was Not Readily Available. And you are too PC.
Me. Let me guess, PC - Pretty Cute?
Art: No, Pretty Clueless and so VP.
Me: Vice President?
Art: Very Political.
Me: Hmm. I never knew you were so POTUS.
Art: (puzzled look on his face) "Huh?"
Me: Exactly! Now you know how the rest of the world feels when they hear you talk. POTUS - Pretty Obviously Testy Under Stress.
Art: You are DNC.
Me: I give up?
Art: Darn Near Calloused.
Andy, he talks this way every time he speaks. It's getting more Progressive by the day. I know he can't help it. I don't want to be calloused but I don't know how much more I can take. Even the medications don't work. What can I do?
(Absolutely Crazy Lunatic Unglued)
Andy's Answer to ACLU
I have never heard of this mental illness but it sounds like it has made you a DNC - Downright Neurotic Chick. I would suggest you have him ACA - Affordably Committed to Asylum.
I hope you can FEMA - Find Exceeding Miracle Advancement.
Well, Andy sure has his hands full with all the drama, wouldn't you say? He must love his job. It can either give him headaches or a bundle of laughs. I hope you laughed along with him.
Best Wishes to all.
Questions & Answers
© 2019 Lori Colbo