Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Waxes Political

Updated on May 7, 2019
lambservant profile image

Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.

Although I have other pun stories by Lori in the works, Dear Andy has letters that have been piling up on his desk and he asked me to publish again. With the political scene so hot and a presidential campaign season right before us, you might pick up words here and there related to politics. I hope you will listen carefully to the letters and Andy's answers. You also may see that Andy doesn't mince words in those answers.

Mother-in-law Woes

Dear Andy,

I have a mother-in-law problem. She recently came to live with us because she is no longer Independent. She is getting on my nerves. She has a hardy Constitution but she's always in the Oval Office, if you get my drift, and spends hours in there. The doctor gave her a Super Pack of Taxative, but it isn't working. I know, TMI. I'll move on (no pun intended).

Another health issue is she is half blind and always having Collusions with her walker. I tell her to watch out but she can't hear either. Which brings me to my next point. Because she is half deaf she's loud and Caucus. Andy, I swear she brays like a Donkey.

And yet, often when I talk to her she puts her hands over her ears and says "I can't hear you, la la la la." And she does it with a big Spin on her face.

I don't want to sound unkind, but she's as big as an Elephant. Her Trump is the size of Texas. It must be all those Barrels of Pork and Treaties she eats. Her Beltway is getting larger and larger. When my wife gets home from the grocery store I see her Line Items on the counters and realize we no longer have a Balanced Budget.

All this has made our home a Battleground State. My wife has Declared War on me. I've taken to drinking too much Campaign to cope. Please help me Andy or I shall go Wonkers.

Yours truly,

Desperate

Andy's Advice to Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Shame on you for talking that way about your mother-in-law. She cannot help most of her problems. Your attitude could use some gross adjustment. Some of your rude remarks left me Stumped for speech. Grow up. Instead of Debating and arguing with your wife, you may want to take the Initiative to sit down with her and discuss how you can work together to make it better and Delegate responsibilities. If you cannot come to an agreement, you may want to get a Third Party to help, like a family counselor.

Andy

P.S. For Pete's sake, go to an AA meeting.

25 Year Old Living At Home

Hey Andy,

I'm a 25-year-old man living with my parents while I try to figure out what I want to do with my life. My parents tell me to get a job or pick a college and get an education. I told them I wanted to go to Electoral College but my dad said they are trying to shut it down.

So I got to thinking, maybe I should become a comedian because I'm good at telling jokes. My dad wasn't impressed. So I told him I could be a Pundit on Fox. I am really good at telling puns but my parents always groan when I tell them. I get so carried away sometimes, they tell me to practice Pun Control.

My dad told me to get a real job, but I'm still weighing my options and they are getting impatient. Do you think they are being unfair?

Punny Man

Andy's Advice to Punny Man

Dear Punny Man,

You have me laughing for sure. You are quite the Silly Buster. Are you for real?

Listen, I will admit some of those Fox News Pundits are a big joke, but you are totally clueless, Dude. Get a real job as your dad said. If you want to be a comedian, do it at night on the side in local comedy clubs. I would advise you to learn the difference between a pundit and punster first. While you're at it, learn how to be funny, not ludicrous.

Andy

Daughter's Marriage on the Rocks

Dear Andy,

My daughter Hillary and son-in-law Bernie have only been married three months and they are already on shaky ground. Bernie is always quipping about social matters. Hillary calls his comments Socialisms and hates them. It embarrasses her that he sends them out in Emails and social media. When Bernie is at work, Hillary Erases his Emails. She nags him to death and gives a running commentary on the Blue State of their marriage, and does so quite Liberally. She has cut off all physical Congress and they are sleeping in separate rooms.

I sit up all night worrying, punching my Pelosi and thrashing under my blankets as I toss and turn. I'm so tired I end up sleeping late. I need to get up Schumer so I can get off to work on time.

Tell me, Andy, how can I get Hillary and Bernie back together again? And how do I sleep at night?

Sincerely,

Weary Worried Mama

Andy's Advice to Weary Worried Mama

Dear Weary Worried Mama,

Butt out! Quit trying to Reform and Bailout their marriage or you will become a Lame Duck. You have a right to life, a peaceful life. Sit out on your deck in the evening and drink Kool-aid before you turn in. It should relax you. Hillary and Bernie will sink or swim but that's not your problem. Take care.

Andy

Running Mate Betrayal

Dear Andy,

I am a runner. I run every day with my Running Mate Gerry Mander. Recently we were running in a marathon in a mountainous area and there was a Landslide. People were Mudslinging to get over the mess and back on the road. This was disheartening for me because before it happened I was the Front Runner. I slipped and fell trying to run over the top of the dirt and grass and ended up with Grassroots stuck to my shoes. Gerry ran past me and didn't even Motion to help me. He ended up on the Platform to receive his victory prize and I found myself the Underdog. I am full of resentment and we have been at odds. He doesn't even care about my Suffrage. I see no Resolution, do you?

Sincerely,

Betrayed

Andy's Advice to Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

You are being childish. It's not Appropriation to be mad at Gerry. You need to congratulate him, quit Quoruming with him, Reform your attitude, and bring Cloture to the matter. He was in the race fair and square.

I hope it all works out.

Andy

Rare Mental Illness Driving Wife Nuts

Dear Andy,

My husband Art has a very rare and serious mental health diagnosis called OCAD - Obsessive Compulsive Acronym Disorder. When he talks to people he can't stop using acronyms. It's insane.

Here was our conversation last night as an example:

Art: Honey, I can't find my GOP. I looked in the CIA but it was NRA.

Me: You can't find your Grand Old Party, you looked in the Central Intelligence Agency but it was National Rifle Association?

Art: (rolling his eyes). I couldn't find my Green Old Pants. I looked in the Cabinet In the Attic but it was Not Readily Available. And you are too PC.

Me. Let me guess, PC - Pretty Cute?

Art: No, Pretty Clueless and so VP.

Me: Vice President?

Art: Very Political.

Me: Hmm. I never knew you were so POTUS.

Art: (puzzled look on his face) "Huh?"

Me: Exactly! Now you know how the rest of the world feels when they hear you talk. POTUS - Pretty Obviously Testy Under Stress.

Art: You are DNC.

Me: I give up?

Art: Darn Near Calloused.

Andy, he talks this way every time he speaks. It's getting more Progressive by the day. I know he can't help it. I don't want to be calloused but I don't know how much more I can take. Even the medications don't work. What can I do?

Yours truly,

ACLU

(Absolutely Crazy Lunatic Unglued)

Andy's Answer to ACLU

Dear ACLU,

I have never heard of this mental illness but it sounds like it has made you a DNC - Downright Neurotic Chick. I would suggest you have him ACA - Affordably Committed to Asylum.

I hope you can FEMA - Find Exceeding Miracle Advancement.

Andy

Drama Over

Well, Andy sure has his hands full with all the drama, wouldn't you say? He must love his job. It can either give him headaches or a bundle of laughs. I hope you laughed along with him.

Best Wishes to all.

Questions & Answers

    © 2019 Lori Colbo

    Comments

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      • lifegate profile image

        William Kovacic 

        3 months ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

        Loved it, Lori. Andy has some sense. I especially liked ACLU. We all need a laugh. Thanks for supplying it!

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        Dear Patty, I am so glad you enjoyed Andy and his advice seekers. I think Andy needs to be a weekly article. Stay tuned. I don't know if you saw the first one. You can find it on my profile page. Thanks for stopping by.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        Eric, you never cease to amuse me.

      • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

        Patty Inglish MS 

        3 months ago from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation

        Hilarious, hilarious! It all reminds me that a TV comedian (Zelensky) won the Ukrainian election on Sunday. What next? More of your Andy, I hope :)

      • Ericdierker profile image

        Eric Dierker 

        3 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

        Lori, in this house of confusion we pick games like Chess and Scrabble. But we often play the game of Words. Rhyme or words that mean the same or words opposite. We are getting to puns. What better fun. We will play today. I am going for silly. Regrettably poo and pee words like "butt of the joke" get the most laughs.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        I knew what you meant, Ruby.

      • always exploring profile image

        Ruby Jean Richert 

        3 months ago from Southern Illinois

        I meant to say off.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        Dear Ruby, my thoughts exactly. Thanks for the visit.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        Dear Dora, It was my favorite too. Their follies never get old to me.

      • always exploring profile image

        Ruby Jean Richert 

        3 months ago from Southern Illinois

        I just turned of CNN and the Barr drilling and I pleasantly found Andy's letters. Laugh out loud funny! We must keep laughing to keep from crying. Maybe I'll write a letter to Andy. Hee...

      • MsDora profile image

        Dora Weithers 

        3 months ago from The Caribbean

        Lori, Andy is a hit. The mental illness abbreviations are super, but the daughter's marriage letter cracked me up. All enjoyable!

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        Hi Eric, take all the time you need. It is a lot. When I get on a roll it's hard to slow down or stop.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        Dear Pamela, my mind is a scary twisted place sometimes. I go too far sometimes. I am glad you got some laughs.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        John, welcome and thanks for following me. I am not familiar with Brexit although I have heard the word.

        Yes, Hillary and Sanders are old news but their 2016 drama still amuses me. They are great fodder for laughter.

        Take care.

      • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

        Lori Colbo 

        3 months ago from Pacific Northwest

        Dear John, I am amazed you got this. I don't know how much America information or news you receive down under but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      • Ericdierker profile image

        Eric Dierker 

        3 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

        Thank you much. I love words.

      • Ericdierker profile image

        Eric Dierker 

        3 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

        Lori this is too long to read in one sitting. Each line must be savored. First I read it to get it and then I read it to laugh and then I read it to figure out how your mind came up with it.

        So I will just leave this up and read and enjoy through the day.

      • Pamela99 profile image

        Pamela Oglesby 

        3 months ago from Sunny Florida

        Lori, These letters with all the political puns were hysterical. I don't know how you managed to come up with so many. Very entertaining!

      • John Welford profile image

        John Welford 

        3 months ago from Barlestone, Leicestershire

        These are good, although the Hillary/Bernie one is a bit dated now. The Brexit shenanigans in my own country might be fertile ground for a similar treatment!

      • Jodah profile image

        John Hansen 

        3 months ago from Queensland Australia

        Haha Lori, this had me lol and rotfl. Great job with these Dear Andy letters and the political puns. I am not even American but got most of them.

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