Ms. Inglish has spent 30 years working in medicine, psychology, STEM instruction, and aerospace education for Active USAF Civil Air Patrol.

Cats are Very Talented

Cats are very talented overall, but some more so than others. For instance, Bombay cats have a sense of humor.

A Bombay that I adopted lived to be 13, but died in an accident or he would have lived much longer. He was very funny. Once a friend and I left the room while an electric skillet was cooking dinner. When we returned, we found that the cat had dialed the heat adjustment dial up to "Hi" and was watching the steam rise in thick plumes from the venting holes in the lid.

Another time, this comedian also showed a scientific bent. While a friend was showing me an old reel to reel audio tape and how it worked, the cat silently jumped to the table top beside the apparatus, observed it, and slowly extended one paw like a fist, with a single toe and claw sticking out. He stuck that claw inside the moving tape and sent the tape unwinding on the real out into the air. I have not seen such a thing before or since.

Another time, the scientific comedian did something else. My mother was sick and was not to leave the house. However, she intended to go out to a bingo game because she felt better and she laid her currency out on the dining room table. She walked out of the room, the cat picked up the money in his teeth, rolled back a placemat with one paw, deposited the money, and replaced the placemat. A friend and I both saw this, and did not tell my mother where the money was until after the bingo game was well over.

At Christmastime one year, this black cat removed a strong of tiny twinkle lights from the tree, became wrapped in them and walked proudly into the dining room were friends and I were, meowing and covered in flashing lights. He seemed to be smiling.

Cats can be very funny and very eerie, but another friend's cats write poetry and music. Here they are, just in time for the Holidays. I present to you, poems and songs from my friend, Mousie, and her cats of yesteryear. © by Mousie (aka Beverly Franklin, 2001-2016).

The Little Drummer Kitty

(The Little Drummer Boy)

Come, he told me - Ah somethin' pum pum

No trout in dish to see - Ah somethin' pum pum

I have no fish to bring - Ah somethin' pum pum

To feed that finicky bum.

He ain't gettin' none

Go out and run

He weighs a ton.

So to pay back me

He checked the ads in the Sun --

Bought himself a drum.

He played it day and night - Oh somethin' pum pum

My blood pressure's out of sight - What is a pum pum?

Can't sleep and I can't think -- It's really dumb dumb.

I think I need a rum.

I'll go get me one

This ain't no fun

My ear's goin' numb.

If I don't I think I'll

Get me a gun

And shoot me a drum.

The neighbors now drink wine - ah somethin' pum pum

They're calling all the time - too many pum pums

No longer friends of mine - another pum pum

I'll get another fine (dumb!)

They know where it's from

I'm the only one

Whose cat has a drum.

So to appease him I'll

Go get him some

To get the hell off that drum.

All I Want For Christmas (by a declawed cat)

All I want for Christmas is 4 furry paws

With at least 16 very long sharp claws

I'd even take some press on nails stuck on my paws

Then I could swat you Merry Christmas

It's been so long since I could climb

Up your walls and tear up all your curtains

And chew up a long hair hamster and cough up a ball

On your sofa and track a lot of dirt in

Gee if I could only have those claws for sure

Then I could claw up your furniture

Wanna hiss and growl and scratch...don't wanna purr

So I can swat you Merry Christmas

No Sell

(Sung to the Christmas carol tune "Noel")

The first no sell

The fish salesman did say

If you want this fresh salmon

Then you'll have to pay

But the kitties had no pockets

To hold money for fish

So they had to go home

To a cold empty dish

No sell No sell

No sell No sell

Can't get no fishies

So they're not feeling well

So they go into the closet

And steal a big sock

To put money in to carry

To the man on the dock

But the man on the dock

Said "I'm sorry I thinky"

"I can't take your fish money"

"'Cause that sock is too stinky"

No sell No sell

No sell No sell

Can't get no fishies

Now they're all mad as hell

So they all go to their owners

And walk under their feet

Just to send them a message

Bring a fishy to eat

But the owners do not listen

Now the kitties get even

And they trip them in the kitchen

Then walk over them and leave 'em

No sell No sell

No sell No sell

The fishy's much cheaper

Than doctor bills to get well

Cool Cat Christmas

(Sung to the tune of Elvis's Blue Christmas)

I'll have a cool Christmas without you

When I eat I won't have to think about you

All the cat toys I see

Will all be for me

I won't worry about your health

With the dish all to myself

It'll be so cool alone on the curtain

Knowin' that it's you and not me that is hurtin'

All your fur you will wet

'Cause you're going to the vet

But I'll have a cool cool Christmas

Up On the Catbox

(Up On the Rooftop)

Up on the catbox Reindeer stall

Don't wanna go down there at all

That's when Santa Begins to shout

It's stinkin' up my sleigh, Now dump this trout

Ho Ho Ho This trout's gotta go

Ho ho ho It's plugging his nose

Down in the Catbox Quick quick quick

Get some disinfectant For gagging Saint Nick

First comes the litter For little Pum-kin

Can't believe it's time To change it again

Trout smells like a dumpster At 7-11

Trubble will think he died And went to heaven

Ho Ho ho He's choking you know

Ho Ho Ho He's dying too slow

Get him a gas mask Quick quick quick

There's no health insurance For self-employed Nick

Christmas For a Cat (A Poem)

So you've been out shopping for Christmas gifts I see

Well it's okay for you humans But what about a cat like me

You got an armload full of presents what is all that crap

Just a bunch of boxes that I can't help unwrap

Got set up a fancy tree that I can't climb up

Drinking lots of eggnog but don't offer me a cup

Don't give me any of that shrimp cocktail on your plate

Fill my dish with dried up Friskies and claim that I already ate

Bring in a bunch of string to make me think you've made my day

Just so you can plug it in and swat me if I play

Well I've had enough of Christmas and now you're gonna pay

I'll show you that it's hazardous to torture me this way

When I leave paw prints on your pie what will your guests all say

I'll run every pair of pantyhose that passes by my way

They'll quit eating turkey and that dip you just opened

When I jump up in their lap and pass some kitty wind

I'll snag the cashmere sweater of your husband's boss's wife

And make you wish your mother had never gave you life

When you throw me out into the cold you'll wish you'd kept me in though

'Cause I'll go and get my girlfriend and we'll yowl outside your window

So if you want a Christmas you know what it better be?

If it ain't make "kitty happy day" you're gonna hear from me!

© 2008 Patty Inglish MS

Comments

Susan Hazelton from Sunny Florida on July 18, 2019:

What a great collection of poems for cats and cat lovers. That is one smart cat you had adopted. I laughed as I read about his hijinks. We had a cat we called Psycho. He would run through the house sounding like an elephant. At Christmastime when I would set up a little village he would knock it all down on the floor and sit among the pieces. He would also sit among the branches of our Christmas tree batting at the ornaments. I so enjoyed this hub.

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on December 20, 2018:

That sounds like a lot of fun - at least for him. :)

Devan from Cheyenne, Wyoming on December 20, 2018:

That he does; his toys travel with his bag (which moves around my living room).

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on December 19, 2018:

Thanks very much for your interesting comment, Devan. Cats are entertaining! I bet yours loves his B&N bag.

Devan from Cheyenne, Wyoming on December 18, 2018:

Cats are the best companions (sorry dog owners) and I adored these poems. If my companion could write, I'm sure he'd tell me about his mouse hoard! (And his Barnes and Noble bag printed with excerpts from Moby Dick.)

Adored.

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on April 09, 2013:

You're right - cats are funny and entertaining any time of year. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Nadia Archuleta from Denver, Colorado on April 09, 2013:

I feel like I'm late for the party, but this is an evergreen Hub. Hilarious! My cat's the center of Christmas, even when he fights with my sister's dog at HER house. Thanks for the laughs -- nothing's better than a funny cat story (except maybe a funny cat pic.)

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on March 03, 2009:

Oh, haha, I forgot about this Hub -- And I still want Kaylee to lead cat stretches! So much fun, these cats.

VegVixen on March 03, 2009:

Two paws up!!!! I loved reading this!!!! :D

gwendymom from Oklahoma on October 11, 2008:

I bet he is!

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on October 11, 2008:

You're probably right! -- If I'd been thinking clearly during those years instead of working 70 hrs/week in a restaurant, I would have taken him for auditions. He's cracking them up in Cat Heaven, to be sure.

gwendymom from Oklahoma on October 11, 2008:

LOL, your cat shold have been a comedian or at the very least an actor.

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on October 11, 2008:

haha - It WAS funny, but not to my mother until later. Neither was the time he hid by lying in the big serving dish up in the kitchen cabinet and she opend the door and he kind of smiled as she screamed, then laughed. lol

gwendymom from Oklahoma on October 11, 2008:

Patty, that is one talented and funny cat you had. I liked how he took your mothers bingo money, now that's funny!

Susan Keeping from Kitchener, Ontario on October 10, 2008:

That's a very talented cat! This was a very enjoyable hub, thanks :)

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on October 09, 2008:

Oct. 9, 2008

Poetry: A Dog's Soul

The Cleveland Examine and it's Dog Examiner by Stephanie Modkins

A DOG'S SOUL

(anonymous)

Every dog must have a soul, somewhere deep insideWhere all his hurts and grievances are buried with his pride.

Where he decides the good and bad, the wrong way from the right,And where his judgement carefully is hidden from our sight.

A dog must have a secret place, where every thought abides,A sort of close acquaintance that he trusts in and confides.

And when accused unjustly for himself, He cannot speak,Rebuked, He finds within his soul, the comfort he must seek.

He'll love, tho'he is unloved, and he'll serve tho'badly used,And one kind word will wipe away the times when he's abused.

Altho' his heart may break in two, his love will still be whole,Because God gave to every dog an understanding Soul!

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on October 08, 2008:

Thanks, Dottie! - You too.

Dottie1 from MA, USA on October 08, 2008:

Hi Patty...thank you for sharing that tid bit of info with me.  I LOVE that PEOPLE song by Ms Streisand.  It reminds me some 25 yrs ago when I was maid of honor in friends wedding hearing that song played in church and gave me so much goose bumps I still hear and feel them today.  There must have been something in your pet title that I picked up on from 25 yrs. ago.  Amazing.  I hope you are the Luckiest People in the World Today! ~Dottie~

Patty Inglish MS (author) from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on October 08, 2008:

C.R. - No yelling, just laughing!

Diottie1 - I thought of the first line of Brabra Streisand's hit "People ...People who love people, are the luckiest people in the world" and devolved to my funny title.

KT - meow meow flash flash meow flash flash. Too bad we had no camcorder.

KT pdx from Vancouver, WA, USA on October 07, 2008:

Your "smart cat" sounds like mine; that would've been so cute seeing him wrapped up in the lights! :)

Dottie1 from MA, USA on October 07, 2008:

Where in the world do you find such funny titles for your hubs? I enjoyed singing right along with the pets. Great hub.

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on October 07, 2008:

I had no idea cats could write poetry and song lyrics! A funny and amusing hub! I could just picture the christmas lights scene. That must have been a hoot.

P.S. I used your avatar as an example on my new hub about avatars. Letting you know so you can yell at me if you want.