Christmas Poems for Cats

Cats are very talented overall, but some more so than others. For instance, Bombay cats have a sense of humor.

A Bombay that I adopted lived to be 13, but died in an accident or he would have lived much longer. He was very funny. Once a friend and I left the room while an electric skillet was cooking dinner. When we returned, we found that the cat had dialed the heat adjustment dial up to "Hi" and was watching the steam rise in thick plumes from the venting holes in the lid.

Another time, this comedian also showed a scientific bent. While a friend was showing me an old reel to reel audio tape and how it worked, the cat silently jumped to the table top beside the apparatus, observed it, and slowly extended one paw like a fist, with a single toe and claw sticking out. He stuck that claw inside the moving tape and sent the tape unwinding on the real out into the air. I have not seen such a thing before or since.

Another time, the scientific comedian did something else. My mother was sick and was not to leave the house. However, she intended to go out to a bingo game because she felt better and she laid her currency out on the dining room table. She walked out of the room, the cat picked up the money in his teeth, rolled back a placemat with one paw, deposited the money, and replaced the placemat. A friend and I both saw this, and did not tell my mother where the money was until after the bingo game was well over.

At Christmastime one year, this black cat removed a strong of tiny twinkle lights from the tree, became wrapped in them and walked proudly into the dining room were friends and I were, meowing and covered in flashing lights. He seemed to be smiling.

Cats can be very funny and very eerie, but another friend's cats write poetry and music. Here they are, just in time for the Holidays. I present to you, poems and songs from my friend, Mousie, and her cats of yesteryear. © by Mousie (aka Beverly Franklin, 2001-2016).

(The Little Drummer Boy)

Come, he told me - Ah somethin' pum pum

No trout in dish to see - Ah somethin' pum pum

I have no fish to bring - Ah somethin' pum pum

To feed that finicky bum.

He ain't gettin' none

Go out and run

He weighs a ton.

So to pay back me

He checked the ads in the Sun --

Bought himself a drum.

He played it day and night - Oh somethin' pum pum

My blood pressure's out of sight - What is a pum pum?

Can't sleep and I can't think -- It's really dumb dumb.

I think I need a rum.

I'll go get me one

This ain't no fun

My ear's goin' numb.

If I don't I think I'll

Get me a gun

And shoot me a drum.

The neighbors now drink wine - ah somethin' pum pum

They're calling all the time - too many pum pums

No longer friends of mine - another pum pum

I'll get another fine (dumb!)

They know where it's from

I'm the only one

Whose cat has a drum.

So to appease him I'll

Go get him some

To get the hell off that drum.

All I want for Christmas is 4 furry paws

With at least 16 very long sharp claws

I'd even take some press on nails stuck on my paws

Then I could swat you Merry Christmas

It's been so long since I could climb

Up your walls and tear up all your curtains

And chew up a long hair hamster and cough up a ball

On your sofa and track a lot of dirt in

Gee if I could only have those claws for sure

Then I could claw up your furniture

Wanna hiss and growl and scratch...don't wanna purr

So I can swat you Merry Christmas

(Sung to the Christmas carol tune "Noel")

The first no sell

The fish salesman did say

If you want this fresh salmon

Then you'll have to pay

But the kitties had no pockets

To hold money for fish

So they had to go home

To a cold empty dish

No sell No sell

No sell No sell

Can't get no fishies

So they're not feeling well

So they go into the closet

And steal a big sock

To put money in to carry

To the man on the dock

But the man on the dock

Said "I'm sorry I thinky"

"I can't take your fish money"

"'Cause that sock is too stinky"

No sell No sell

No sell No sell

Can't get no fishies

Now they're all mad as hell

So they all go to their owners

And walk under their feet

Just to send them a message

Bring a fishy to eat

But the owners do not listen

Now the kitties get even

And they trip them in the kitchen

Then walk over them and leave 'em

No sell No sell

No sell No sell

The fishy's much cheaper

Than doctor bills to get well

(Sung to the tune of Elvis's Blue Christmas)

I'll have a cool Christmas without you

When I eat I won't have to think about you

All the cat toys I see

Will all be for me

I won't worry about your health

With the dish all to myself

It'll be so cool alone on the curtain

Knowin' that it's you and not me that is hurtin'

All your fur you will wet

'Cause you're going to the vet

But I'll have a cool cool Christmas

(Up On the Rooftop)

Up on the catbox Reindeer stall

Don't wanna go down there at all

That's when Santa Begins to shout

It's stinkin' up my sleigh, Now dump this trout

Ho Ho Ho This trout's gotta go

Ho ho ho It's plugging his nose

Down in the Catbox Quick quick quick

Get some disinfectant For gagging Saint Nick

First comes the litter For little Pum-kin

Can't believe it's time To change it again

Trout smells like a dumpster At 7-11

Trubble will think he died And went to heaven

Ho Ho ho He's choking you know

Ho Ho Ho He's dying too slow

Get him a gas mask Quick quick quick

There's no health insurance For self-employed Nick

So you've been out shopping for Christmas gifts I see

Well it's okay for you humans But what about a cat like me

You got an armload full of presents what is all that crap

Just a bunch of boxes that I can't help unwrap

Got set up a fancy tree that I can't climb up

Drinking lots of eggnog but don't offer me a cup

Don't give me any of that shrimp cocktail on your plate

Fill my dish with dried up Friskies and claim that I already ate

Bring in a bunch of string to make me think you've made my day

Just so you can plug it in and swat me if I play

Well I've had enough of Christmas and now you're gonna pay

I'll show you that it's hazardous to torture me this way

When I leave paw prints on your pie what will your guests all say

I'll run every pair of pantyhose that passes by my way

They'll quit eating turkey and that dip you just opened

When I jump up in their lap and pass some kitty wind

I'll snag the cashmere sweater of your husband's boss's wife

And make you wish your mother had never gave you life

When you throw me out into the cold you'll wish you'd kept me in though

'Cause I'll go and get my girlfriend and we'll yowl outside your window

So if you want a Christmas you know what it better be?

If it ain't make "kitty happy day" you're gonna hear from me!