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Perhaps I Should Treat Dating Like I Treated Hiring Mechanics

Author:

Ms Macon is the Bitchface in Ask A Bitchface and often provides advice on dating, relationships, divorce, and Southern Belle-isms.

Maybe I've been looking at dating all wrong...

I've assembled successful teams of mechanics multiple times. Perfect cohesion, like well-oiled machines.

How is it that I have put teams of mechanics together over the years that ran so smoothly I had the ability to leave a Class A mechanic running shop and take time off? Incredibly intelligent, hilarious guys that were hard working and respected my professional opinions, they were a dime a dozen to me when I was looking at them in a hiring capacity. In the world of mechanics, I had no shortage of the absolute best, the most dedicated dudes out there.

Now let’s take a look at the guys I’ve dated since my divorce. A whore, a junkie, and an abuser. Put that together and you still don’t have a decent guy. Maybe I’ve been looking at it the wrong way. If I looked at an addition to a functional team, I would be making a list of strengths and seeing how it compares to what needs I had departmentally. Well, what if treated dating the same way?


perhaps-i-should-treat-dating-like-i-treated-hiring-mechanics

What are my departmental needs?

Overall, production needs are being met, but it’s not for lack of overtime on my part. That being said, no sense in putting A class mechanics on a job that a C class can do. I could use some help with taking the trash out, heavy grocery loads, and running small errands when I’m just not feeling like dealing with the public is a good look for me. It’s a part-time, entry-level position, but the work is there for a motivated individual with the desire to work into a more permanent role.

It’s a part-time, entry-level position, but the work is there for a motivated individual with the desire to work into a more permanent role.

Skilled labor and certified technicians vs employee retention

Let’s face it, skilled labor likes to be offered a little stability. I’m not one for signing a contract until I’m assured you fit the needs of the company. Therefore, I am willing to make up the difference in a hefty benefits package and severance pay options. Such as, if within your 90-day evaluation period, you have a more long term offer present itself, I offer a “No Harm, No Foul” agreement. Melanie with the son in need of a father figure is hiring, and offering a 3-year contract? Oh, I totally understand. I can gracefully concede to the fact that you may need to feel like you have some roots. By all means, take the new role, and I wish you all the best with it.

Certified technicians, Class A mechanics, and other primadonnas, you’ve always been where I pay through the nose, and I suspect this will be no different. So you are romantic, attractive, a gentleman, educated, and come with no more than 22% of the usual drama. Ouch. Expensive, that’s what that sounds like to me. But, you get what you pay for when it comes to having technicians that know what they’re doing, and perform the job with a minimum level of nonsense. So, in this case, I’m going to need to pony up the damned dough, and it’s costly. I am willing to offer ladylike behavior in any public scenario, including after 2 drinks for a maximum of 1 hour, and I also guarantee I will be graciously Belle-like in scenarios involving your family, co-workers, exes that we run into, and any longtime friends. In addition, I guarantee friendly discussions of no less than 30 minutes with all of the aforementioned, and I will not appear more intelligent in mechanical matters than you are unless implicitly asked to do so.


I will not appear more skilled than you in mechanical matters unless implicitly asked to do so.

What about profit sharing or 401k?

I apologize, but Ms. Macon cannot offer any form of retirement benefits at this point in time. Long term disability is offered, but profit sharing is not a viable option, and the board refuses to further elaborate, stating simply “Denied”.

Is tuition reimbursement offered?

Everyone should value education, and Ms. Macon feels as though one can never know too much about the job they perform. If a class pertains directly to your field, such as “How to Work, Keep a Home, and Not Need Praise” or “I’m Not Intimidated By Successful Women 101”, absolutely, Ms. Macon will pay for the course and required materials, upon the successful completion of the class with a C or higher.


perhaps-i-should-treat-dating-like-i-treated-hiring-mechanics

Are daycare expenses an option?

There are no daycare funds available at this time. There was a huge response to the past daycare coverage offered, and unfortunately, those resources have been reallocated for this calendar year. It is slated for a board vote in the upcoming fiscal year.


When asked about profit sharing, the board simply replied "denied".

What can Ms. Macon offer that another outfit cannot?

Well, to put it briefly, the trifecta. I am intelligent, attractive, and hilarious. I am not involved in any custody or paternity matters, no messy divorces, and am not actively being stalked or breaking up/being broken up with. I am not hiding from any creditors, and refuse to ask for assistance unless an emergency vet situation should arise with a priority level of 7 or higher (see Addendum 17-8, Dogs Come Before Anything). In addition, being Southern means I can and often do cook, and as a bartender, I have jokes, bar tricks, and trade stories that are both entertaining and thought-provoking. I will provide all of the aforementioned skillset to up to 6 pre-approved individuals of your choosing for a total of 2 weekends per month. You are guaranteed that even the pettiest of your companions’ girlfriends cannot goad more than a “Bless Your Heart” from me, however, the Alcohol Clause does attach to this provision.

Am I under any contractual obligation after 90 days?

If, after the 90-day probationary term, both parties can reach a satisfactory agreement, you will be under the standard terms of employment, and a non-compete and non-disclosure will be be required. If you are unable to sign either document, an employment offer cannot be extended to you.

Please turn in an application, resume, and 2 letters of reference by close of business. Unsigned or incomplete applications will not be accepted.

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© 2020 MsMacon

Comments

MsMacon (author) from Tampa FL on May 25, 2020:

Lol thank you, Jimagain. You made me laugh, so well done.

MsMacon (author) from Tampa FL on May 25, 2020:

Lol thanks Marcy, and thank you for signing up. I try not to go on too many tangents, but ya know...

Marcy Bialeschki from Cerro Gordo, IL on May 25, 2020:

OMG!! I just got sucked into your blog or webpage, or whatever it is and could not quit reading!!!! It is hilarious!!!!

Jim Henderson from Hattiesburg, Mississippi on May 25, 2020:

Wow! You put this so eloquently and so succinct. I always go for succinct when I write but usually get clogged up at 'suc'(k). Enough of pandering to your sympathy in a backhanded compliment. Sorry for digressing -I do this frequently!

I was very impressed after reading your analogy. Your article was witty and intelligent. I genuinely enjoyed reading this and it transitioned so effortlessly. This is a genuine endorsement and not the usual obligatory nice-ities of feigned praise I often have to leave behind.

I suppose I could have just said, "good job" but it deserved more!

MsMacon (author) from Tampa FL on April 26, 2020:

Marcy,

Please join me over at askabitchface.substack.com. I'm told I'm at least semi funny twice a week :) Also, my wingman and I have a podcast and I hear it will make you pee a little.

Marcy Bialeschki from Cerro Gordo, IL on April 26, 2020:

This is GOLD!!!! I was busting from start to finish. You are hilarious! Loved, loved, loved every word of this!!

dashingscorpio from Chicago on January 07, 2020:

You made some excellent points!

Unfortunately most people hate the idea of being analytical when it comes to dating, choosing a partner/spouse and falling in love.

They subscribe to the "follow your heart" philosophy which essentially is the same thing as saying ignore "red flags".

Many people also allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. They want see (where it) goes... believe in "destiny" and chance.

It's almost the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

If you go to a grocery store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a "better shopper"!

Never sperate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart. Having a mate selection process/must haves list is smart!

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

- Oscar Wilde