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Mysteries of the Missing Sock Theories

As a baby boomer, Denise and millions of others are becoming senior citizens. She explores what it means to be over 60 today.

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Odd Socks

If you are like me, you have wondered for years what has happened to the missing socks. Where do they go? I’m sure I put two into the washer but only one came out of the dryer. It has become the bane of my laundry day. Some logician tried to tell me that the socks are small enough to get caught between the drum and housing of the dryer, but when I opened my dryer up expecting to find a hoard of missing socks, there was not even one. So where are they? I have a few theories and I’d love for you to consider the possibilities.

Black Hole in Space

Black Hole in Space

Theory 1: The Black Hole in the Dryer

My favorite theory is that dryers being spinning machines have opened a macro black hole, where our socks are being sucked. No light and no socks return from such a black hole. Luckily the macro black hole is small enough not to suck in my underwear as well. Or has it? Wait while I check!

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 2: A Family of One-legged People Living in an Alternate Universe

The alternate dimension or universe model has been around for decades now but the possibilities that they are stealing our socks have not been touched upon. I believe there is an alternate dimension filled with one-legged people who only need one sock.

Sometimes happiness is like a missing sock. You know it will turn up eventually, but it will probably be in the strangest place.

— Anonymous

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 3: Gremlins

Who doesn’t remember the feisty, pranksters who go around playing tricks on people in the night? Obviously, their more sedate cousins are only going around stealing socks. It may be a less messy prank but annoying, nonetheless. They are a menace, to be sure.

Theory 4: The Tooth Fairy

Do we really know anything about this nighttime visitor who supposedly only takes teeth from under pillows and leaves coins and bills in return? What is her background? Where does she come from? Does she have a criminal background? What are her credentials? Are teeth all she is interested in? Why not take a sock or two in payment for the coins she leaves? How do we know? We are usually asleep, right? What if she is a klepto with a sock fetish? Someone should look into this!

I’m absolutely convinced the missing socks turn into extra Tupperware lids.

— Anonymous

Theory 5: The Sock Eater Who Lives in the Dryer

Along the lines of gremlins, what if we have tormentors that get into our homes and are voracious eaters? What if they have a taste for our footwear? What if these diminutive creatures feed on socks? What if they need warm socks and so they live in the dryer? Have you checked lately? Be careful sticking your hands in there. You just may pull back a bloody stub.

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 6: Wormholes in Space

Since dryers and washers spin, it isn’t out of the realm of possibility for them to have opened up a wormhole to a distant part of the universe. The socks slide into this wormhole and emerge in another part of the universe or maybe even a distant galaxy. Perhaps the people there can use them for nose warmers or covers for the arms of their chairs.

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 7: Revenge

One of my lesser theories is the revenge theory. It doesn’t really stand to reason in my home where my husband really likes me but, in some homes, it is a distinct possibility. What if a family member is trying to drive you crazy one sock at a time? What better way to keep you off-balance than to steal an odd sock from time to time and watch you search for it? It does sound like delicious revenge.

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 8: Time Travelers

This theory has my head spinning. What if, in a not-too-distant future, time travel has been perfected? I could just see myself some years in the future, tired of searching for a lost sock and instead, jumping into my time machine to go back in time and steal that missing sock from my past self. Then my past self is searching for the lost sock which is now in the future. Isn’t the sock then lost in time? Wouldn’t that create a sock paradox? All our socks may be floating somewhere in time.

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 9: Demented Alchemists

Somewhere in a dark and secluded mansion, a team of alchemists is working on perfecting their formulas and unnatural equations. They aren’t trying to turn base metals into gold or anything as trivial as that. They are working on the perfect acid that will dissolve any material, whether plant-based or synthetic, leaving no trace. They are practicing on our socks, my friends. Villagers, we must unite. We must grab our pitchforks and torches and storm this dark mansion before they start experimenting with bodies dug up from our cemeteries. We must run these demented alchemists out of the country even if we have no socks left to put on our shoes. Unite, I say!

My gnomes on Etsy.com

My gnomes on Etsy.com

Theory 10: Gnomes

You know those cute little garden gnomes most people have in their garden? I know I used to have some in my garden. Garden gnomes are supposed to be benevolent creatures who guard the plants and insect folk of gardens. On the other hand, how do we know they are benevolent? Has anyone seen one in the flash lately? And do they need socks? Do we know? Just a thought.

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 11: Quantum Theory

On a very general level, quantum theory or quantum physics is the theory that explains the nature of matter and energy on an atomic level. It explains how an electron can seemingly disappear from one level and reappear at another level. Since the early 1900s, this theory has been expanded upon and even used to explain energy and matter changing in other sciences such as light, optics, computing, lasers, and transistors. I would like to put forth my theory along with the greats, Max Plank, Albert Einstein, and Erwin Schrödinger. I believe socks can also disappear in one level of time and space and then reappear in another time and space. My experiments are not yet conclusive, but my theory is sound. I will soon have the proof.

Success is getting three loads of laundry done with no missing socks.

— Anonymous

mysteries-of-the-missing-sock-theories

Theory 12: Dark Magic

I have never been a conspiracy theorist before, but I would like to warn you right now. Probably somewhere near you at this very moment, there are those who practice the dark arts of magic and sorcery. These irrational and crazed witches need your socks and will get them by any means they can. What their purpose is no one yet knows but it cannot be good. Be on your guard. They will not stop at socks, you know. Once they can infiltrate your sock stash, they will begin invading other things. Your ties and underwear are not safe. What next? The possibilities are endless.

Final Thoughts

I’m sure you have experienced this same scourge as I have. No one is exempt. It is a public menace. So, what do you think? I would love to know your theories and ideas on the mystery of the missing socks in the comments below.

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