Me? an Ice Skater? Not on Your Leotard
It had to Happen
it was in the cards and I blew it. The Winter Olympic Games being broadcast via NBC from Pyeongchang County, South Korea on the dates, Feb. 9, 2018 through Feb. 25, 2018 and I couldn't care less. No. I am not a disgusted, snooty American. I just think that my honesty will work better than just write a few long sentences and things will be hunky dory. Not so, grasshopper. I do not understand the men's ice skating event or is that Figure Skating? All I know about ice skating in the Olympics is the Female Figure Skating. I love that to a fault. The skaters are so graceful, so in charge, confident letting their talents be seen by the entire world. (You did notice that I didn't write a cute crack about us grabbing a jumbo package of Cajun Pork Skins, a few RC Colas and we now have a Special Event. All for the low price of $7.65. I appreciate your courtesy.)
Getting Back to Honesty
I would love to talk to you about me. Not all about me or everything that I am made up from, talk about, TV I like, TV I hate and books I love. I do draw a line in the sand (or dirt) when I feel threatened. The one thing about me that should be clear to you is just how much I love Women's Figure Skating. I mean, there is absolutely nowhere in this maze called life where a person can give themselves completely--devote endless hours of practicing complex skating routines and not be held in the highest of respect by me and the free world.
I can't walk as straight as some of the younger women skaters. No personal joke about drinking here. Maybe it's the heavy amount of pain killers that doctors have given me in order to write sentences, drive a car, and go to lunch. But for me to tie on a pair of ice skates and give my all to get on my two feet . . .is simply impossible. I am not a skater. I went from Point A to Point B and skipped the Middle man, where I would devote myself to be The Best Male Ice Skater from Hamilton, Ala., but I know and you know (if you know me) me that I would make a lousy skater. I know enough to even try to lace-up a pair of roller skates.
For me to go roller skating with my wife and friends, it would be: "Hey, look at the trained elephant skating here on Saturday night!" I am not going to subject myself to the humiliation. Let someone else get on the ice (or roller) rink, jump as high as you can do those twirls with names like Axel, Lutz, and Loop--whatever network is televising these events will soon know your name and if you are talented enough, and with the help of a sports agent, the moon is the limit. Hey, stop reading articles like this and start practicing. That is if you are inside the age bracket.
I have two more reasons why I could never be an ice skater. You already know one of them: my excessive weight which is my fault, not yours. But I cannot see myself being an ice skater because I don't have the smile for it. That's right. You read right, the smile. I don't smile well enough for the world to know that I mean business about skating. The smile on a male ice skater says it all. It says, look at me. I am confident. I am sensitive. Look! I am a Millennium. I am into computers, Jitter-bugging, people say that I have an electric smile and I am a Virgo. See? It was the smile that got their attention. Me? I do try to smile, but seen from a distance, I look like I am only grinning.
Look at the male ice skaters in the 2018 Olympics. See how their hair is perfectly-styled to the last hair. When a male ice skater has a great smile and perfect hair, he has the world by the tail. A male ice skater can throw his head backward, smiling from ear to ear, and that hair would cause any woman swoon with pangs of love. It must be the chemicals or blood contents that give an ice skater such great hair. Or the diet. Probably vegetable-based lots of carrots and greens.
What's a popular, talented male ice skater without his icy blue eyes? He might as well walk the roads of the USA and try to do odd jobs. A male's attractive eyes are more than eyes--they are his ticket to great jobs, gobs of girlfriends and truckloads of personality. In fact, the popular, talented male ice skater need not devote himself to that much self-sacrificing and practicing when all he has to do is flash his icy blue eyes and bam! He is an instant winner of the ice skating competition where is competing. And all of these years I thought that he had to be talented enough to skate himself to glory.
And now comes the toughest item a male ice skater can have: his feet. The wise male ice skater will depend on his feet and take good care of them while he is working his way on the Ice Skating Trials where judges always judge the skater's feet. Did you ever notice those remarks given by the judges when an Ice Skating Competition is going on? If you haven't, you should. (e.g. male ice skater does a tough Triple Axel and the female judge says, "ohhh, my! Such feet. Such grace. Truly a born winner-of-a-male-ice-skater and if I can get finished with this broadcast, I shall doll myself up and see if this male ice skater with such great feet will take me to dinner.")
Sure! Take the pretty female Ice Skating Judge for dinner. But I'll bet that you can't sing, "When I'm 64," in the shower.
© 2018 Kenneth Avery