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How to Make Your Performance Review at Work as Hilarious as Possible

Jeannie has been writing online for over 10 years. She covers a wide variety of topics - hobbies, opinions, dating advice, and more!

No Escape From Performance Reviews

Many companies like to make their employees suffer on a periodic basis with something called a performance review. Basically, you sit with one or more supervisors, and agonize over questions together. You must take part in this process if you want to keep your job. Better yet, if you ever want to get a raise or a bonus, you'd actually better know the right answers to their questions. However, if you don't care about keeping your job or you've given up all hope on doing well at your performance review, maybe you should opt to make your performance review as hilarious as humanly possible.

Of course, I am not going to sit here and encourage you to do anything I mention in this hub. You can choose to make the most of your performance review by following my advice if you'd like. For me, since I have to keep my job, I can only imagine how glorious it would be to do some of these suggestions. I suppose I can only dream. If you have the nerve to take any of my advice, please share it in a comment below so I can live vicariously through you.

Let's go over some common questions asked at performance reviews. Instead of reciting the same tired old answers you give each year, you can use some of these answers to liven up the atmosphere. In no time at all, you can have fun cleaning out your desk and filing for unemployment. Oh, some good times await us!

Where do you see yourself going in our company in the next year?

Some possible hilarious answers:

"Nowhere at all. That is why I've been sitting in the same position for 5 years."

"Taking over your job. Let's talk about the blackmail photos I've got at my desk."

"Going to the bathroom a lot. You know, they changed the soap in there. It is actually quite nice."

What are some goals you'd like to achieve in the near future?

Possible answers:

"I would like to finally figure out how to download movies on my work computer. I need to do something to kill time at work."

"I'd like to lose weight, get a puppy, learn how to sew.... Oh, you meant work related goals. I don't have any of those."

"I hope to turn in my resignation notice anyday now."

"I've got my eye on Bob down the hall. Do you know if he's single?"

Do you have suggestions on how to improve employee morale?

Some answers that are a little too honest are:

"Yes, stop making us suffer from these performance reviews."

"Sure, can we stop having so many meetings?"

"Yes, free alcohol served at our cubicles."

"Nap breaks would certainly improve my morale."

"I am pretty sure doubling everyone's salary would make a big difference."

What can you do to help improve your work performance?

Funny answers include:

"I could show up and work and that type of thing. I probably won't though."

"Improvement? I am pretty damn perfect, thank you."

"I'll bet I could get more work done if I stopped texting so much."

What can we do for you to help you perform your job better?

Some fun answers include:

"I require more breaks, more money, and free food. After that, I will give this whole "improve my work ethic" thing a try."

"You could try giving me less work. I am sure I could do a great job with a few less job duties."

"Can I have an assistant?"

"As stated before, naps are the key to my success."

How would you rate your job performance at our company?

Some good answers could be:

"Hahaha... are you kidding me? Oh, you are serious."

"Is this graded on a curve?"

"My performance rating at this job is probably pretty low, but you should see me play Tetris. That is where I really excel."

What would you say your greatest challenge is at this position?

More fun comments your boss won't want to hear:

"Oh, the usual... showing up on time, not slapping the customers or my co-workers, finding new ways to sleep at my desk without getting caught."

"Finding the time to do all my online shopping during work hours is a major challenge each day."

"Doing my job is a challenge. I totally lied on my resume. I am making stuff up as I go along."

© 2012 Jeannie Marie


Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on October 02, 2012:

I don't blame you for taking an early retirement. Each day, I work towards that goal! Thanks so much for your comment.

2patricias from Sussex by the Sea on October 02, 2012:

This made me laugh, but more than that it reminded me that I am so very grateful that I took the opportunity of early retirement.

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 29, 2012:

That would be great if I could write my own review. I would also say how perfect my performance at work is and then challenge them to see if they disagree. They probably would, but it would still be funny. Thanks for the comment!

Shasta Matova from USA on August 28, 2012:

These are hilarious! I would think of some of these answers and have to struggle to not actually say them! Nowadays, we have to write our own performance reviews instead of having the manager simply hand them over to us to sign. I think it is a sign of laziness on their part, but I try to say over the top things about how wonderful, indispensable, and valuable I am, and see how brave or unlazy they are to change them!

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 22, 2012:

That does sound totally hilarious! We would have such fun if we worked together and we could prank people. Soon I will get to prank people at the office for our Halloween Trick or Treat gags. I can't wait. Thanks for the comment!

Kelly Umphenour from St. Louis, MO on August 22, 2012:

So Jeannie yeah that would be so fun to work in an office together! Haha - we could so be messing with the other people! Hahaha

I had my husband call this one guy (he lived in an apt and had animals he wasn't supposed to have in there) we were working a night shift together on March 31. Right at 12:04 my husband called and pretended to be "the desk sergeant in the fifth district PD". (complete BS) and he told him his apt had been robbed and the manager wanted to know whose pets were in there.

Omg! It was HILARIOUS! He didn't even realize it was 4/1 yet! Hahahaha

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 22, 2012:

I had my performance review yesterday and I did not have the nerve to use any of these either. :-) Thanks for the comment and the vote up!

Movie Master from United Kingdom on August 21, 2012:

Oh how I hated performance review days.....

I wish I'd had the courage to use some of these!

Wonderful funny hub Jeannie, voting up!

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 21, 2012:

Efficient Admin - Yes, doubling our salary would certainly inspire everyone at work. Thanks for the votes up!

Faith Reaper - You are right! That is exactly what happened to me last year. I made one small mistake right before the performance review, and that went on my review even though it would have been long forgotten had it happened just a month sooner. Sigh. I've at least learned not to take any of it too seriously. Thanks for the comment!

Faith Reaper from southern USA on August 21, 2012:

Oh, how I do hate those reviews!!! This is hilarious and wish I could really use some of these. What gets me about reviews is that you work a whole year just fine doing your job well or half the year doing well, whenever they do the reviews, anyway, then you make one tiny mistake or something right before your review, and that is what they focus on!!! You want to say, what about the rest of the whole year? Ha. Great hub. So funny. In His Love, Faith Reaper

Michelle Dee from Charlotte, NC on August 20, 2012:

This is hilarious and I am cracking up. When they ask what goals I have for the future I want to say, not working here. And it's really true: how to improve employee morale? Double our salary. Yeah, that will do it.

Voted up, funny, awesome.

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 20, 2012:

Yeah, I've pretty much given up any hope of ever being promoted and my performance review is tomorrow. I wish I had the nerve to take my own advice! Thanks for the comment.

aethelthryth from American Southwest on August 20, 2012:

I would have had fun with this list 10 years ago, when I was in a job I did like, but I had no use for being promoted.

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 20, 2012:

That is a great story! I had a crying fit once during a review myself. I am hoping to hold that back this year. I am happy you were able to leave that job. Thanks for sharing your story!

Sunnyglitter from Cyberspace on August 20, 2012:

LOL this was great. I don't have a funny story to share, but I do have an interesting story about a performance review. During a performance review at a job that I used to have, my supervisor and owner-operator informed me that I was getting promoted. The promotion included a nice salary increase and benefits. I burst into tears, and they weren't tears of joy. She was like, "Ummm, this isn't usually the response we get when we promote someone". I explained that I was crying because I hated my job and didn't want to stay there any longer. I quit a week or two later.

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 20, 2012:

Don, yes, I wish more people in charge would consider how much people dislike this activity. In my opinion, everyone has already made up their mind about who is getting raises anyway, so what difference does it make? Thanks for the comment!

Stephanie, we also have to write some of the answers down, too. Last year, it was much worse though. We even had to email the answers to questions back to the directors... in essay format! It was like being in middle school and doing book reports. Absolutely ridiculous! Thanks for the comment!

Stephanie Henkel from USA on August 19, 2012:

Oh, those dreaded performance reviews! In my last job before I retired, we had to answer these questions in writing before going into the meeting with our boss. I could have used a few of these smart answers! .......Thanks for the laugh!

DON BALDERAS on August 19, 2012:

Huhuhu, hahaha. These might be something for the serious guys up there to consider. Interview of the sort would not be done as a regular performance review strategy because it might just render this strategy a sickening activity. On the other hand, what you offered takes on the lighter side of the serious kind of life work offers. There must also be sense of tumor to quicken us sometimes to put what seems to be serious business of performance review to a face of laughter. But, I would try it with my wife, hahaha, and I will see what to get...

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 19, 2012:

It seems like it is the time of year for performance reviews. I just dread them! It is probably best that your husband did not use any of these ideas anyway. It is nice when no one loses a job over my bad advice. ;-) Thanks for the comment!

Claudia Mitchell on August 19, 2012:

So funny and timely in our house as my husband just had his review. I should have told him to put a few of these in. Funny hub!

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 19, 2012:

Hahaha... I really wish we worked together. You would be a lot of fun. I like to put creepy messages on the kitchen whiteboard like, "I see you leaving the dirty dishes in the sink. You will be punished." Unfortunately, people don't always appreciate my sense of humor at work. Sigh. Thanks for checking out my hub!

Kelly Umphenour from St. Louis, MO on August 19, 2012:

Jeannie now that is scary! I always loved performance review days - because I knew I was gonna have FUN with it. I wasn't worried about my performance - in fact I got in trouble for the craziest stuff! hahahaha

Like the time the research department (who was running 5 studies at once) had the gall to put a big hand written sign on the door that said, "Were You Wondering Who To Talk To about a specific study"....so we wouldn't accidentally bother the wrong person was the point - so I wrote in a big red marker NO!

Yeah that came up...hahahaha - somehow they KNEW it me was me...40 people and just two little letters. Hmmmm....!

Jeannie Marie (author) from Baltimore, MD on August 19, 2012:

Thanks so much! And you are right... I was trying to keep it PG rated. I can think of some real zingers that would surely get me fired in no time. Thanks for the comment!

Suzie from Carson City on August 19, 2012:

Jeannie...These are funny remarks. In fact, I'm sure I have used a few....or worse. You've actually been rather tame here.......I'll bet if you didn't have to keep it calm and clean, you could cause an enormous number of people to lose their jobs.

The trick to this is to wait until you've already decided to leave your employment and have another job in the wings??? LOL.

As always.....your comedy is too much fun! UP+++

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