How to Make Your Performance Review at Work as Hilarious as Possible
No Escape From Performance Reviews
Many companies like to make their employees suffer on a periodic basis with something called a performance review. Basically, you sit with one or more supervisors, and agonize over questions together. You must take part in this process if you want to keep your job. Better yet, if you ever want to get a raise or a bonus, you'd actually better know the right answers to their questions. However, if you don't care about keeping your job or you've given up all hope on doing well at your performance review, maybe you should opt to make your performance review as hilarious as humanly possible.
Of course, I am not going to sit here and encourage you to do anything I mention in this hub. You can choose to make the most of your performance review by following my advice if you'd like. For me, since I have to keep my job, I can only imagine how glorious it would be to do some of these suggestions. I suppose I can only dream. If you have the nerve to take any of my advice, please share it in a comment below so I can live vicariously through you.
Let's go over some common questions asked at performance reviews. Instead of reciting the same tired old answers you give each year, you can use some of these answers to liven up the atmosphere. In no time at all, you can have fun cleaning out your desk and filing for unemployment. Oh, some good times await us!
Where do you see yourself going in our company in the next year?
Some possible hilarious answers:
"Nowhere at all. That is why I've been sitting in the same position for 5 years."
"Taking over your job. Let's talk about the blackmail photos I've got at my desk."
"Going to the bathroom a lot. You know, they changed the soap in there. It is actually quite nice."
What are some goals you'd like to achieve in the near future?
"I would like to finally figure out how to download movies on my work computer. I need to do something to kill time at work."
"I'd like to lose weight, get a puppy, learn how to sew.... Oh, you meant work related goals. I don't have any of those."
"I hope to turn in my resignation notice anyday now."
"I've got my eye on Bob down the hall. Do you know if he's single?"
Do you have suggestions on how to improve employee morale?
Some answers that are a little too honest are:
"Yes, stop making us suffer from these performance reviews."
"Sure, can we stop having so many meetings?"
"Yes, free alcohol served at our cubicles."
"Nap breaks would certainly improve my morale."
"I am pretty sure doubling everyone's salary would make a big difference."
What can you do to help improve your work performance?
Funny answers include:
"I could show up and work and that type of thing. I probably won't though."
"Improvement? I am pretty damn perfect, thank you."
"I'll bet I could get more work done if I stopped texting so much."
What can we do for you to help you perform your job better?
Some fun answers include:
"I require more breaks, more money, and free food. After that, I will give this whole "improve my work ethic" thing a try."
"You could try giving me less work. I am sure I could do a great job with a few less job duties."
"Can I have an assistant?"
"As stated before, naps are the key to my success."
How would you rate your job performance at our company?
Some good answers could be:
"Hahaha... are you kidding me? Oh, you are serious."
"Is this graded on a curve?"
"My performance rating at this job is probably pretty low, but you should see me play Tetris. That is where I really excel."
What would you say your greatest challenge is at this position?
More fun comments your boss won't want to hear:
"Oh, the usual... showing up on time, not slapping the customers or my co-workers, finding new ways to sleep at my desk without getting caught."
"Finding the time to do all my online shopping during work hours is a major challenge each day."
"Doing my job is a challenge. I totally lied on my resume. I am making stuff up as I go along."
© 2012 Jeannie InABottle