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An Informal Guide to Alien Abductions

Jim is an accomplished writer with many great literary achievements, most of which he simply made up.

jims-guide-to-alien-abductions

Oh, those pesky alien abductions!

There you are on some back road, probably going to the grocery store when you notice those weird, 'blinky' lights with strange faces staring back at you in your rear view mirror -no, I am not talking about the high school basketball team bus!

What?! Is that another UFO? Not again?

Suddenly your old truck starts to lose traction and you feel the rear end being lifted up from the asphalt... your engine is revving, the tachometer is spinning, but you're not moving.

Drat! Another alien abduction. Now?! You've got to be kidding me. My wife is going to be so pissed.

We interrupt for an important message:

The following is a re-enactment of the actual events. Had this been an actual alien abduction, readers would be instructed to panic responsibly. Hysteria is not advised.

We now return you to our story …the narrator intones dramatically -which is curious since we are not actually on the radio.

I can hear her now...

"I can't send you to the grocery store for a can of pork 'n beans and toilet paper without you screwing it up" - angry fist-waving from irate woman wearing curlers.

Note to reader: This visual enhancement may or may not factually represent the events as they happened but is nonetheless provided to the reader as a courtesy.

In defense of the cranky old bat, whom I affectionately call my wife, there just happens to be a convenience store on the way to said grocery store. And, this establishment may have a beer cave that has been linked to more than one mysterious alien sighting, other unsolved mysteries, as well as few 'solved' cases that were famously debunked by sleuthing wives, but that's beside the case.

This time I am...no, really, I'm not ...telling a big 'un!

Men, we don't lie -except when it comes to fishing. Maybe an occasional fib, we might accidentally repeat some uncorroborated story we overheard, but we never lie. Hastily uttered mis-truths for the sake of self-preservation don't count either: these are simply a part of the male survival instinct. Otherwise a rather abrupt end comes to the male species and evolution gets stopped dead, cold in its tracks!

Note to reader:

Whenever a writer devotes a significant part of his story to explaining the finer points between 'lies' and various types of suspicious 'un-truths', it tends to erode his credibility on such a dubious topic as this.

jims-guide-to-alien-abductions

I admit that, sometimes, when necessary, I have staged a 'convenient' abduction, you know, when I like totally screw up and need a really good excuse; say the time I was late for my wedding.... but that's another incredible story no one will believe!

Being a curious fellow, I am forced to ponder; why would an advanced alien civilization want to come to earth, just to snatch a few buffoons only to return them unharmed? Is it just me or does this seem just a little weird to you? Just why do aliens stop in for a visit?

Official Alien Space Map:

You are here!

You are here!

Seeing I have been the frequent guest of alien investigations, I feel I should share the benefit of my experience, in the not-so-unlikely chance you too have a similar invitation to be the object of alien scrutiny.

  • Do not ogle, stare, or drool excessively!

You have been abducted by an advanced alien culture. Of course you're going to be overwhelmed but you don't have to appear like you did on school picture day.

You will encounter, weird, pulsating lights, strange sounds, unusual furnishings, bizarre behavior, and weird creatures dressed in unusual clothing styles -no, you have not suddenly been transported back to a 70's disco!

So, get a handle on yourself!

  • Do not try to impress them with your knowledge -this may be especially difficult for those of the female gender and it tends to irritate alien life forms, who are easily offended.

Appear dumbfounded. Do not offer any tips on make up, attempt to rearrange furniture, or ask personal questions.

  • Do not babble incoherently or ramble like a moron!

Stuff like this is likely to get out to the rest of the galaxy and then earthlings will be the laughing stock of the universe. Remember, you are representing your planet. Don't embarrass the rest of us!

  • Play your cards close.

Don't let on just how backwards and primitive we really are in the event they are planning an imminent alien invasion. If 'they' think we are a bunch of defenseless, primitive buffoons, we are in big trouble. If you sense 'they' are hostile, now would be the time to babble incoherently, so they might think we're trying to throw them off.

The universe is a big place and it can be tricky to navigate all those time warps and worm-holes. With any luck, their alien GPS -Galactic Positioning System- won't be able to find us again.

  • Do not, I repeat, do not take any souvenirs with you when 'they' are not looking.

How many times has this happened and some black hole is indiscriminately created only to suck up the entire planet, or some weird anti-matter weapon and you accidentally disintegrate your mother-in-law, or some advanced technology you have no business fooling with? What if we were annihilated by angry aliens because you just had to swipe some stupid gadget or worthless alien trinket.

Thanks a lot!

  • Do not grovel.

You're scared out of your mind, these guys look angry, and that stupid probe hurts! Do not beg or grovel. Sigourney Weaver didn't grovel on Aliens, she just blew them to pieces! Dorothy didn't grovel when those flying monkeys scooped her up? The cowardly lion didn't grovel when the Wizard scared the bejeebers out of him...

Oh, never mind. Go ahead and grovel.

This probably will end badly despite false displays of bravado.

  • Do not 'hit' on alien babes.

I have to say this for the sake of those suave guys who think they can turn on the charm, and those alien babes get all giggly, and you sweep 'her', or 'it,' or 'whatever,' off her feet. Maybe you're into tentacles and all that if she's kind of cute but this is a really bad idea. Think, alien mother-in-law -tremble!

Alien babes can get testy. You do not want to receive an alien 'wedgie'. I won't go into why I know this, at this time, but trust me on this -ver-r-r-r-y painful!

Afterward

Once 'they' release you, you should check yourself in a mirror for obvious practical jokes, like the old 'kick me' or 'I'm with stupid' post-it note on your backside where you can't see it -especially if you happen to hear what sounds like alien giggling. Even advanced aliens can't resist silly juvenile pranks on stupid earthlings

Do not, under any circumstances, tell anyone about your 'incident'.

No one will believe you. No one will invite you back to their barbecue anymore because you've a 'doofus,' -your mother-in-law already suspects as much. The only people who will talk to you are those guys from secret government agencies and you don't want a knock on your door in the middle of the night from those guys.

Have a convenient excuse ready should you have to explain several days of unexcused absence; my favorites include binge drinking, you went fishing, you were on a secret government mission. If they won't buy that, tell them that you secretly are a writer and you were hammering out your next novel! The last excuse is pitiful and generally, they won't ask you any more questions.

I hope you find my guide helpful, and, please, don't do anything stupid should you get an unexpected invitation by aliens. Save yourself and the rest of the planet some awkward moments.

And don't tell anyone you read this!

Disclaimer

The above events were published by a writer notorious for tellin' big 'uns. Viewer discretion is advised. Any semblance to the truth or to any aliens that may have been falsely portrayed is purely coincidental. Should you find yourself in an actual alien abduction, please disregard anything you read here. The author is probably an idiot and should not be taken seriously!

© 2020 Jim Henderson

Comments

Jim Henderson (author) from Hattiesburg, Mississippi on May 16, 2020:

Oh, I hate getting thrown through an airlock! I'm not good at holding my breath in space. Oh, I know Chris Pratt did it but not without adverse effects...I know after watching Guardians 2, it was obvious to me since No. 2 wasn't nearly as good as No. 1.

Thanks for the tip! I tend to be more of the 'barely functional' category so pretending to be an 'educated elitist' would be a challenge. But I suppose, you do what you have to when the aliens nab you.

I think I must be on some galactic 'catch & release' list because I generally get discarded shortly after being snatched.

Thanks so much for the comments! I am grateful.

Tamara Wilhite from Fort Worth, Texas on May 16, 2020:

Based on who says they're being kidnapped, aliens want a barely functional slave race. Act like you're an educated elitist type, and they won't want to take you back. You do run the risk of being thrown out an airlock, though.

Jim Henderson (author) from Hattiesburg, Mississippi on May 13, 2020:

Thank you. And thanks for reading.I really appreciate your comments. Glad to hear from you.

Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on May 13, 2020:

Interesting satire.