How Do I Save My Marriage?

Updated on April 1, 2018
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I have many articles on relationships and dating on Hubpages that receive many views.

Is Your Marriage on the Rocks?

Are you having trouble with your spouse and worried that your marriage is in trouble and that you're headed for divorce court?

Don't worry, every marriage has its ups and its downs and you're no different than millions of other people. The trick is understanding how to strengthen your marriage and keep your spouse happy.

Follow my easy advice and your marriage will be stronger than ever in no time at all. Whether you are male or female, these handy tips will help you or help you understand what your spouse needs from you.

Stop Being Affectionate

If you want your partner to really love you more, withhold all affection, including sex. In fact, just make all of your affection a quid pro quo for whatever you want. Want to make your partner clean the bathroom, don't have sex with him until he does. Need your wife to get out of the house and get a job? Don't touch her until she does. Avoid acknowledging the other person's existence as much as you can. Try to sleep in another location entirely if you can, so that you can be around the other person as little as possible.

Leave the Toilet Seat Up

This is obviously for men. Forget flowers. Forget hugs and kisses daily. There's nothing a woman appreciates about a man more than when he leaves the toilet seat up. This one thing will probably solidify your marriage for years to come. Women not only like when you leave the toilet seat up, they also love when you pee all over the floor and don't clean it up.

Throw Your Dirty Clothes on the Floor

A clean spouse absolutely loves when their partner doesn't clean up after himself or herself. Whether man or woman, nothing screams long-term commitment and love better than a partner who has absolutely no sense of cleanliness. So, throw your clothes on the floor. Leave your underwear in the middle of the kitchen. Your partner will appreciate your sloppiness and love you even more.

Break Stuff

Whenever I want to make a point to my wife about what a superior person I am, I find something to break.

Throw a vase, a prized pet, a piece of cookware - anything she values. For maximum superiority, pick something to throw that, when thrown, will likely break something else. It's like a two-for-one.

Cheat

There's nothing more that a spouse loves than a cheater. Surely you've heard all those stories about people who cheat and how it made their marriage stronger. Don't you want to make your marriage stronger? Of course you do. Then run out to the nearest bar and pick that special someone up! You can also get on lots of new dating sites, like Tinder, which make cheating really easy. Make sure your spouse knows that you've posted a profile and are actively looking for a hook up.

Never Remember Your Anniversary

Remembering dates is hard. Every spouse understand this, so when you forget your spouse's anniversary, it forces them to realize that we are all just human beings and that remembering important dates is hard for everyone and that you're no different than everyone else.

The realization that we're all part of one, giant world of humanity is a fundamental principle of Buddhism. It's not what's special that binds us, but what's the same about all of us that binds us.

Once your spouse realizes this, he or she will love you even more.

Always Forget Birthdays

See above.

Nag Him Incessently

There is nothing a man loves more than being nagged.

Nagging is usually that thing that brings people together. You remember that, right? You were at that party. You saw her across the way. You smiled. She smiled. You walked over to her kind of sheepishly and asked how she was doing. She responded that she was fine and that hey, could you go wash the dishes in the kitchen and take out the trash and vacuum the carpet and go put all the kids' toys away and mow the lawn and pick your dirty clothes up off the floor and make sure the litter box was clean.

Nagging brings us back to that first moment of love.

Never Let Him/Her Leave the House

The easiest way to make sure that your spouse is true and faithful and loves you is to make sure that it's not possible for her to love anyone else, so just make sure she never leaves the house.

After all, if she can't leave the house, she can't cheat on you. And if she can't cheat on you, then you're her only possible love interest. It's kind of like "Silence of the Lambs" where the serial killer kept girls down in a pit so he could eventually skin them alive. They told him over and over how much they liked him and eventually he let them go.

Be Extremely Controlling

Control is the key to any loving marriage. You always want to be in the position where you're telling your spouse what to do all the time. The more stuff you control, the more they love you. So go whole hog. Tell them when to eat, when to sleep, when to shower, when to go to the store. If you can, put a GPS tracker on them so you know where they are every minute of every day. Call them at least once an hour to "check in". If you don't reach them, drive to wherever they are and make sure you can see them and make sure they know you see them. This behavior will strengthen your marriage.

Throw Her Favorite Stuffed Animal Down the Garbage Disposal

The best thing to do whenever you have conflict with your spouse is to take their favorite physical possession, be it a stuffed animal, a picture, a CD, a piece of art, a piece of clothing, shoes, whatever, and destroy it. This will bring you closer together as a couple because being in love doesn't involve material things. It's a higher calling. By ridding your spouse of their need for material things, you will bring yourselves that much closer together.

Pit Your Children Against Your Spouse

There is nothing more meaningful to a parent than their children. You can communicate your love for your spouse in the most significant way by making sure your children know who the better parent is. If your spouse has done something you find offensive, make sure your kids know, no matter how old they are. Did your spouse look the wrong way at another man? Make sure they know mommy is a slut. Did your spouse lose his job? Make sure the kids know that daddy is a loser. By using your children as pawns in a failing marriage, you will eventually bring you and your spouse close together.

Stop Communicating

Want to know a secret? If you've had it with your spouse and have decided your marriage isn't worth saving or worth talking about, you're about to be forced to communicated because you cannot possibly get divorced without communicating with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

Isn't that ironic? You've spent all this time not talking about all the things you should have been talking about and now, in order to get divorced, you finally have to talk.

Further, if you have children, divorcing is also going to force you to start communicating if you ever want to see your children again.

So, yes, if you want to make your marriage better, just wall yourself off. You'll have to start talking eventually.

Questions & Answers

    © 2017 crankalicious

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    • crankalicious profile image
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      crankalicious 3 months ago from Colorado

      Thanks for the comments. We can learn from all the silly things that cause tension in a marriage. If you laugh, you survive. If you hold grudges and refuse to talk you get divorced.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 3 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Tidbits of my marriage. We have tension once a day. And we laugh most of the time. Everything you put here has some truth for us.

      This was well done.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 months ago

      The irony isn't lost on the fact that many long-term married couples complain about all of these things but never leave. Much like the women who claim they want a "nice guy" but always seem to gravitate towards "jerks" or "bad boys".

      For a lot of people true compatibility is too boring I suppose. However for me nothing beats peace and serenity in a household. I have all the "challenges" I can handle on the other side of my front door. :) Compatibility trumps compromise.

      Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!

      One man's opinion! :)

    • profile image

      SheepWhisperer 4 months ago

      HA! If it wasn't true it would funny.

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