How to Hold a Grudge in 5 Easy Steps
Think About the Person Daily
This one obviously takes a lot of time, but if you are serious about holding a good grudge you need to do this. Social media makes this easy, especially if they are the kind of person who posts daily. You can look through their pictures and criticize everything from the way they hold their drink to the way they hold their mouth. This will give you plenty of new ammo for when you are thinking about how they ruined your life and now, because of them you have to spend all day searching for new things to add to the list of reasons why they are the worst.
To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.— Confucius
Plot ways to make their life uncomfortable but never do anything about it
This one also takes more time but you are in this to win it, right? Think of ways to make your grudgee (you being the grudger) very uncomfortable. They will be sorry that they messed with you! Think about sending them glitter through the mail. Fantasize about sending junk mail to their house. Write a fictionalized version of them that will one day win the Pulitzer and solidify them for all time as the world’s biggest jerk. It will make you feel awesome until you realize you might fail and then you will have an even bigger reason to dislike this person.
Ignore Your Family and Focus on the Person You Dislike
Families are really good at taking up all of your time. They want to spend time with you and talk to you about your day and tell you how much they love you. This takes up precious time that you could be spending thinking about the person who (I am guessing) has hurt you more than any other human ever has. So lock yourself in your bedroom or a closet and instead of playing Mario Kart with your family, write a list of ways your grudgee is a piece of garbage.
Bonus points if you can miss major family functions because you are too upset about the person to attend.
Think of Ways to Bring up the Person and Things They Did to You, The More You Can Do This the Better
The theme of this article is commiting to this grudge. You don’t want to be a part-time grudger who has a life and people who want to engage you in conversation. No, you want to be able to find ways to bring up the grudgee as much as possible. Practice at home while you are locked in your closet at your mom’s house.
If someone mentions any random thing, you have to be prepared to bring up your grudge. If someone is talking about window fixtures and you want to mention for the one thousandth time that your tax guy ripped you out of 20 dollars, you can say, “You know what went out a window just like this? My trust for CPAs.” Not a great connection but any little (window) opening will do.
Never Give Up Your Grudge
Who cares that the person who hurt you has moved on to their next victim and hasn’t thought of you in years. Who cares if they are still the miserable person you knew them to be and now you are just as melancholic as they are. You used to be a lot of fun but now you are going to show that guttersnipe by never letting go of the dislike you have for them. You have alienated everyone you come in contact with, you scare small children but you have that grudge thing down pat. Congratulations!
Please don't follow any of this advice. It is for amusement purposes only. If you are having trouble moving on, please talk to someone.
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© 2019 Brandy McGhee Nelson