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World Domination for Dummies

So you want to take over the world. Good for you! That makes two of us. And obviously, only one of us is going to make it all the way. But what the heck, I'm a magnanimous megalomaniac- I'll share the secrets to world domination with you. Let's race for it, shall we? Winner takes all. Literally.

What follows is a simple guide on how to dominate the world. Follow these steps and you just might have a shot.

The Plan

Nobody is taking over ANYTHING without a plan. You won't even be able to take over management at your local Kwik-E-Mart without a plan, let alone the entire world. So start planning.

Start with the end goal of world domination. Add your current place in the world (something embarrassingly low, I imagine). Now establish some midpoints- places you'll stop along the way to supreme power.

Now- how are you going to get from midpoint to midpoint? This is where action plans come in. As conditions are likely to change when you reach even your first stopping point, only worry about plotting your actions from point A to point B at this point. Once you reach point B, you must re-evaluate your position and abilities and alter your gameplan accordingly.

Your initial plans of action, however, must be clear, concise, and broken down into bite-sized pieces.  If your action plan does not guide every move you make, from waking up in the morning to collapsing into bed (or hanging upside down in your cave, as I do) at night, you will find your chances of success crumbling faster than you can say Roman Empire.

Friends? Oh please. What's next? FAMILY?

Friends? Oh please. What's next? FAMILY?

Ditch the Deadweight

Friends don't let friends take over the world. No, really. They're deadweight. Time suckers. Liabilities.

If taking over the world is a real priority of yours, you will have to replace real friends with your cold, hard ambitions.

Now I know what you're thinking- you don't see why you can't have it all. Friends, after all, help us in our times of need, do they not? Could they not aid us on our quest for all-encompassing power?

I will admit that friends could help each other at least initially on such a grand mission, however such relationships in these conditions only sour after time, and when they do, your once-friends will not only be privy to your plans, but also know your personal weaknesses better than anyone else.

It is much better to remove friends from one's power-seeking plans. Honestly, it does not even pay to have friends who live in ignorance of your ambitions for world domination. Why? Because they simply take up time, and if you are really serious about taking over the world, that process is going to take all the time and resources you have- and then some.

Do note, however, that I instructed you to ditch real friendships- not friendships altogether. In your long journey to the top, you will have to form many strategic friendships to get what you need. The difference between these alliances and real friendship is that they involve the exploitation of others' resources, but not any exposure of your true plans or weaknesses.

You can learn from this one.  He's got it going ON.

You can learn from this one. He's got it going ON.

Develop a Persona

There is no way you can ever hope to take over the world as a complete nobody. A powerful persona is a must if you intend to be anyone of consequence, let alone someone who dominates the entire planet.

Having a strong sense of self serves two purposes. First, and most obviously, it communicates your daunting nature to other people, letting them know they need to back off and bow down. Less obviously, though arguably more importantly, a strong persona acts as an internal mooring point which keeps you strong, sharp, and on-point. In moments of weakness or indecision, you will be able to ask yourself "who am I?" and comfortably answer back that you are, for example, a moralistic badass with a shoot-first-ask-questions-later attitude bent on taking over the world.  This will help you move forward successfully by aiding the creation of useful heuristics that enable you to make strategically smart decisions even when you are suffering from severe exhaustion, stress, or anger.

Developing your persona will be particularly fun, involving an interesting mixture of branding, character development, costuming, and method acting. Just make sure that whatever persona you develop is compliant with your strategic plan and personal strengths.

Couch potatoes will dominate nothing more than their remotes.

Couch potatoes will dominate nothing more than their remotes.

Mind Your Health

You won't make it to the top of you aren't fit enough to climb.

Sickly weaklings rarely go far in this line of work, so if world domination is your game, you had better be sure to eat right, exercise, and get adequate sleep.  Malaise and self-indulgence are for weaklings.  Spend one too many hours indulging in front of the television and your eye of the tiger will quickly devolve into the dull eye of the dairy cow.

An extreme level of discipline will be necessary to keep you on track in your ambitious plans, and that discipline must start at a physical level, so cut out the crap food, get off your La-Z-Boy and start running laps.

Oh, and also be sure to only expose yourself to positive stimuli, get plenty of sleep, and de-stress (perhaps by regularly visiting the shooting range, or learning how to throw knives).  If you let the world get to you, your stress may affect your work.  People can see strain.  They can spot sleep deprivation.  And these symptoms are signs of weakness to your enemies.  Don't give them that opening.  Mind your health.

Delusions of grandeur... not for everyone.

Delusions of grandeur... not for everyone.

Keep Your Eye on the Prize - And Proceed with Caution

No matter what, never lose sight of your goals. The second you do is the second you lose to me, and I don't want you to back out too soon; I would prefer to have the satisfaction of defeating you once you are truly formidable.

One more thing- proceed with caution. World domination is not for everyone. If you want happiness, peace, health, tranquility, or any chance at moral or religious redemption, you might want to reconsider your objectives in life. Perhaps the dull stare of the dairy cow is not so bad. The Swiss ones have it pretty good, actually.

And On That Note...


Your future Queen on September 14, 2020:

you see me and my friend have been planing world domination since we met and the main reason is because a boy in our class said we couldn't and let me tell you we will rule just to rub it in his face if anyone wishes to join us in proving to the world that it can be taken over i will gladly share with you and it warms my heart to know there are others who share my want to rule the world and to the people who don't want to join forces good luck fellow competitors

.... on July 02, 2019:

Hihihi.... hahaha..HAHAHAHAHA!!!

World leader on June 09, 2019:

Thanks for telling me your plans. And you say the friends would of ruined your chance... Lol they may have said "hey dont hit that send button"

Stewie Griffin on November 23, 2018:

i will take over the world by going to the CIA super computer and change the laws by me and no one else will stop me because i have my own secret weapons room.

Dude who like to tell other people what to do on September 20, 2018:

I will take over the world, and I will screw the civil rights

queen of the world on June 13, 2018:

after reading this im still not going to follow the rules for world domination, I have my own plan and i have full confidence that i will gain major power with the help of my bestfriend.

Mech on December 15, 2017:

After reading most of the comments it saddens me that very little have the ambition and powerhunger to dominate, ohh well, less competition.

Mech on December 15, 2017:

I'm in the worthless years of my life learning how to crush my enemies, this has been most helpful

James ramm on August 19, 2017:

See you at the finish to the victor goes the spoils

Emenike Emmanuel on June 30, 2017:

What a powerful message to begin the month with. Thank you so much for this. I'm dominating my world.

Laura Brown from Ontario, Canada on September 18, 2014:

I thought I was doing it right. You've given me a few things to consider.

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on April 12, 2011:

Hehee, me too, Rose West! And Winsome, you're brilliant.

Rose West from Michigan on April 12, 2011:

Hilarious! Oh, and I used to watch Pinky and the Brain on Saturday mornings :)

Winsome from Southern California by way of Texas on April 08, 2011:

The dull stare of the dairy cow

She knows the secret but won't say how

Dominatrix she could be

She's fed, massaged and duty free

Bovinely shrewd, in India, a god

The world's her pasture, every grass and clod

But alas, dethroned I her office take

And smile her smile as I eat my steak

Ha ha you fed me a great line, I couldn't resist. I didn't realize you were so funny and clever Simone. I upgrade shall. =:)

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on April 08, 2011:

I always did like cow eyes! :-)

Alexander Pease from Maine on April 08, 2011:

Great, funny hub. I will be sure not to get in your way on your quest for world domination. :)

Glenn Stok from Long Island, NY on April 08, 2011:

I'm already dominating the world! Not the whole world...just mine. If I was to dominate the whole world I would have to do one of two things. Either please all of the people some of the time, or please some of the people all of the time. In MY world I can get away with pleasing all of the people all of the time. As for your Hub, I voted up and useful 'cause you gave a lot of useful ideas.

anglnwu on April 08, 2011:

Got to love your take on world domination. I wish upon a star....one day, perchance, to reach the pivotal point..to rule, to stand supreme. Well, thinking about it makes me retreat to my safe little place, where I'm already the queen. Thanks for the wonderful read and rating it up.

Brenda Barnes from America-Broken But Still Beautiful on April 08, 2011:

Wow, I realized I am on the right track here! I don't care to dominate the world, just my little part of it. Great advice in this Hub!

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on April 08, 2011:

Always ahead of the curve you are, CMHypno! And good point fucsia!

Hahaa Peter Dickinson - niiiice!! You should get on that!! Sounds pretty good to me :D

And Sweetsusieg, I'm sure something can be arranged. Computer are excellent tools for world domination, anyhow ;)

Smart move Garett Mickley! Lots of power and prestige, MUCH less stress.

Now, you just keep me posted on your retirement Austinstar - I'll be happy to pick up where you left off!

Lela from Somewhere near the heart of Texas on April 08, 2011:

You mean step down to dominate only ONE world? I am supreme commander of the universe currently. Perhaps when I retire...

Garrett Mickley from Jupiter, Florida on April 08, 2011:

I don't think I want all of that responsibility. Can I just become second in command?

Garrett Mickley: VP Of Earth

Sweetsusieg from Michigan on April 08, 2011:

This world and 2 more and I'll be the Boss! Well that's what I tell my husband! Hmmm, somehow or another I don't think I'll be able to dominate the world from behind my computer, but it's a good thought!

Peter Dickinson from South East Asia on April 08, 2011:

If I dominated the world it would go something like this


fucsia on April 08, 2011:

This Hub is very useful to me... But before to dominate the world it is better if I learn to dominate myself... And I am already on the right track. The absolute power is reached by small steps!

CMHypno from Other Side of the Sun on April 08, 2011:

I already dominate the world, Simone - I'm just discreet about it LOL! Interesting hub, but this world domination thing sounds like a lot of hard work, so I think that I'll just stay as a lowly hubber and be subversive from the ranks!

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