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World Domination for Dummies

So you want to take over the world. Good for you! That makes two of us. And obviously, only one of us is going to make it all the way. But what the heck, I'm a magnanimous megalomaniac- I'll share the secrets to world domination with you. Let's race for it, shall we? Winner takes all. Literally.

What follows is a simple guide on how to dominate the world. Follow these steps and you just might have a shot.

The Plan

Nobody is taking over ANYTHING without a plan. You won't even be able to take over management at your local Kwik-E-Mart without a plan, let alone the entire world. So start planning.

Start with the end goal of world domination. Add your current place in the world (something embarrassingly low, I imagine). Now establish some midpoints- places you'll stop along the way to supreme power.

Now- how are you going to get from midpoint to midpoint? This is where action plans come in. As conditions are likely to change when you reach even your first stopping point, only worry about plotting your actions from point A to point B at this point. Once you reach point B, you must re-evaluate your position and abilities and alter your gameplan accordingly.

Your initial plans of action, however, must be clear, concise, and broken down into bite-sized pieces.  If your action plan does not guide every move you make, from waking up in the morning to collapsing into bed (or hanging upside down in your cave, as I do) at night, you will find your chances of success crumbling faster than you can say Roman Empire.

Friends? Oh please. What's next? FAMILY?

Friends? Oh please. What's next? FAMILY?

Ditch the Deadweight

Friends don't let friends take over the world. No, really. They're deadweight. Time suckers. Liabilities.

If taking over the world is a real priority of yours, you will have to replace real friends with your cold, hard ambitions.

Now I know what you're thinking- you don't see why you can't have it all. Friends, after all, help us in our times of need, do they not? Could they not aid us on our quest for all-encompassing power?

I will admit that friends could help each other at least initially on such a grand mission, however such relationships in these conditions only sour after time, and when they do, your once-friends will not only be privy to your plans, but also know your personal weaknesses better than anyone else.

It is much better to remove friends from one's power-seeking plans. Honestly, it does not even pay to have friends who live in ignorance of your ambitions for world domination. Why? Because they simply take up time, and if you are really serious about taking over the world, that process is going to take all the time and resources you have- and then some.

Do note, however, that I instructed you to ditch real friendships- not friendships altogether. In your long journey to the top, you will have to form many strategic friendships to get what you need. The difference between these alliances and real friendship is that they involve the exploitation of others' resources, but not any exposure of your true plans or weaknesses.

You can learn from this one.  He's got it going ON.

You can learn from this one. He's got it going ON.

Develop a Persona

There is no way you can ever hope to take over the world as a complete nobody. A powerful persona is a must if you intend to be anyone of consequence, let alone someone who dominates the entire planet.

Having a strong sense of self serves two purposes. First, and most obviously, it communicates your daunting nature to other people, letting them know they need to back off and bow down. Less obviously, though arguably more importantly, a strong persona acts as an internal mooring point which keeps you strong, sharp, and on-point. In moments of weakness or indecision, you will be able to ask yourself "who am I?" and comfortably answer back that you are, for example, a moralistic badass with a shoot-first-ask-questions-later attitude bent on taking over the world.  This will help you move forward successfully by aiding the creation of useful heuristics that enable you to make strategically smart decisions even when you are suffering from severe exhaustion, stress, or anger.

Developing your persona will be particularly fun, involving an interesting mixture of branding, character development, costuming, and method acting. Just make sure that whatever persona you develop is compliant with your strategic plan and personal strengths.

Couch potatoes will dominate nothing more than their remotes.

Couch potatoes will dominate nothing more than their remotes.

Mind Your Health

You won't make it to the top of you aren't fit enough to climb.

Sickly weaklings rarely go far in this line of work, so if world domination is your game, you had better be sure to eat right, exercise, and get adequate sleep.  Malaise and self-indulgence are for weaklings.  Spend one too many hours indulging in front of the television and your eye of the tiger will quickly devolve into the dull eye of the dairy cow.

An extreme level of discipline will be necessary to keep you on track in your ambitious plans, and that discipline must start at a physical level, so cut out the crap food, get off your La-Z-Boy and start running laps.

Oh, and also be sure to only expose yourself to positive stimuli, get plenty of sleep, and de-stress (perhaps by regularly visiting the shooting range, or learning how to throw knives).  If you let the world get to you, your stress may affect your work.  People can see strain.  They can spot sleep deprivation.  And these symptoms are signs of weakness to your enemies.  Don't give them that opening.  Mind your health.

Delusions of grandeur... not for everyone.

Delusions of grandeur... not for everyone.

Keep Your Eye on the Prize - And Proceed with Caution

No matter what, never lose sight of your goals. The second you do is the second you lose to me, and I don't want you to back out too soon; I would prefer to have the satisfaction of defeating you once you are truly formidable.

One more thing- proceed with caution. World domination is not for everyone. If you want happiness, peace, health, tranquility, or any chance at moral or religious redemption, you might want to reconsider your objectives in life. Perhaps the dull stare of the dairy cow is not so bad. The Swiss ones have it pretty good, actually.

And On That Note...

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