The Threat Facing America
Until recently, you may not have been aware of the threat that roving bands of thirty-fifty feral hogs pose to your life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. For so many, these hogs represent an existential threat to the well-being of the nation, but for others on the front lines, they are a matter of life and, well, mild-moderate inconvenience. However, fret not, the following is a list of assault rifle free ways to deal with the threat these feral hogs pose.
Challenge Them to Honorable Combat
While shooting the hogs from afar may be effective, it does not bring honor to one’s house. For those of you worried about not only driving the hogs from your land, but also avoiding shame, there is the time-honored tradition of challenging your foe with sharpened steel. Forge your blade, or alternatively buy one online from a respected and well-reviewed craftsman, and challenge these hog monstrosities to a duel. Watch them quiver in fear as one-by-one you cleave apart and run through their compatriots. After staining the earth red with a few of their brethren, you likely will not have a feral hog problem for years to come.
Offer Thoughts and Prayers
If you’re not one for the combat arts, you can always try the time-honored, American tradition of offering your thoughts and prayers to those affected by 30-50 feral hogs. Have thoughts and prayers ever worked to solve any crisis in America? Probably not, but that has never stopped people from trying. Maybe this time those prayers might work. After all, Jesus did drive the pigs into the sea that one time.
Call in a Predator Drone Strike
Let us be honest, if you are going to be taking on thirty-fifty feral hogs on your own, you really should at least have some air power at your disposal. Sure, you and your one gun may get the job done, but that is not what made America great. No, America rose to power on the back of a combined arms approach. Be certain you have dealt with all the hogs and call in an aerial strike on their position. Let them experience the Obama Special and have a predator drone lay waste to their entire herd.
You may also wish to acquire some artillery pieces and a tank or two, but this may be more appropriate if you are taking a community approach to the situation or if there is multiple groups of 30-50 feral hogs.
Hold Bilateral Negotiations
This is a bit of a tricky one, as it requires you to first identify one or more of the 30-50 feral hogs to act as a negotiating party for the group. Through a careful series of offers and counter offers between you and the hogs, you will hopefully be able to work out a solution that is both amenable to you, the hogs, and also the hogs on the farm next door.
Having concluded your agreement, you can return to your farm, wave a piece of paper in the air, and proclaim peace in your time to your family.
Hold Out Promise of a Two State Solution
Continue to negotiate with the 30-50 feral hogs. Partition the land, giving them some of the worst bits. Now the important bit is to slowly, over time, lay claim to land that was the hogs. Build a shed their or a well. As the hogs grow increasingly hostile towards your aggressive grabbing of land that was promised to them, continue to offer them a two state solution that aggressively grabs all of the natural resources for yourself and divides the hog’s land into multiple bits that they cannot reach without crossing your lands. Use their refusal to accept this deal as proof that they are acting in bad faith and refuse to negotiate with you, thus giving you the moral upper hand to continue to build more sheds.
Do it Like the Dukes of Hazzard
If there is one thing I have learned from TV, it’s that a lot of problems involving boss hogs is that they can be solved by jumping over things in a Dodge Charger. This solution is going to take a bit more setup than some of the others, as you have to build a makeshift bridge that is out. Then you have to get the hogs to chase you towards that bridge, rev your engine, and jump it. How exactly that takes care of the 30-50 hogs, I am not sure. It just works. Maybe it is TV magic.
However, I personally recommend going with the Stars and Stripes over the Stars and Bars and calling it the General Grant. Go with a winner.