How to Avoid Being Eaten by a Cannibal - LetterPile - Writing and Literature
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How to Avoid Being Eaten by a Cannibal

Lauren is the author of 10 books, including the popular "Amplified" series, as well as numerous musicals.

how-to-avoid-being-eaten-by-a-cannibal

There are a myriad of resources that can advise you on how to survive a zombie attack, spot a werewolf, or seduce a vampire. But there are virtually no materials warning us of the dangers of cannibals. And while the existence of zombies, werewolves and vampires is debatable at best, there are quite a few documented cases of cannibalism, making the threat of being a eaten by another human far greater than facing armies of the undead or being bitten by some sultry creature of the night.

A Brief History of Cannibalism

The word cannibal is said to have derived from the the Carib people of the lesser Antilles; the Spanish called them Canibales. This West Indies tribe is believed to have practiced cannibalism. The act of eating other humans has been practiced anciently in many parts of the world.
In modern times, people have resorted to cannibalism for survival, asserting dominance, and as an extreme practice in cults and secret societies. Still others turn to cannibalism out of curiosity, fetish, or pleasure.

What Drives People to Become Cannibals?

Cannibalism was common in many wars as victors eating the bodies of their enemies was a sign of triumph and valor. Many who practice cannibalism do so with a belief that eating a person’s flesh or organs will transfer some of the traits and characteristics of the deceased to them. But most often it is desperation that causes someone to eat another human, in instances of famine, misfortune, or disaster. But in these circumstances the person is only practicing cannibalism and is not necessarily a cannibal.

how-to-avoid-being-eaten-by-a-cannibal

Useful Tips

Now that you know the facts, here are some suggestions on how to repel ravenous cannibals:

  • Try to smell bad. Don’t bathe, roll around in a pile of manure, keep a skunk as a pet… do whatever it takes. It may not be appealing, but it could save a few of your limbs. It is universally understood that if something smells bad, it is not at all appetizing.
  • Work out a lot. The more sinewy you are, the better. Plus constant exercise will make it easier for you to run away.
  • Don't look or smell sweet, salty, or savory. Assume a bitter expression 24/7.
  • Wear drab, shapeless clothing. Packaging is key. Think about it, when you go to buy cereal at the grocery store, are you more likely to buy the bright, glittery box (with a prize inside) or the cheap knock off with the picture from the 80s? Protect your body with a mumu or perhaps a tent.
  • Dress in layers. Cover up with footy pajamas, snow suits, trash bags… you might even want to invest in chain mail or a custom ironclad suit. The more they have to chew through, the less tempting you’ll be.
  • Pretend that you're sick. Better yet, get sick for real, especially with diseases that can be contracted through consumption. Nothing ruins a cannibal's appetite more than the thought of food poisoning.
  • Be as mediocre as possible. Since some cannibals believe they'll absorb your characteristics upon devouring your flesh, it'd be in your best interests to be bland and uninteresting. Slim down your hobbies and curb your personality.

How Likely Are You to Get Eaten by a Cannibal?*

For each question, choose the best answer for you.

  1. How often do you work out?
    • All day, every day
    • Every day
    • A few times a week
    • Once or twice a week
    • Once a month
    • Never
  2. Would you consider yourself fashionable?
    • Oh yes, I dress to impress!
    • I'm no model, but I can stand out in a crowd
    • I'm pretty average
    • I abandoned good grooming habits years ago
  3. Do you get sick often?
    • Yes, I feel like I'm sick all the time
    • Every once in a while
    • No! I'm healthy as a horse!
  4. How often do you bathe?
    • Every day
    • A few times a week
    • Once a week
    • Once a year, on my birthday!
    • Never
  5. Are you especially skilled, talented or charismatic?
    • Yes! I'm the best at everything!
    • I've got a few skills. Like, nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills...
    • No, I'm pretty boring

Scoring

Use the scoring guide below to add up your total points based on your answers.

  1. How often do you work out?
    • All day, every day: +0 points
    • Every day: +1 point
    • A few times a week: +2 points
    • Once or twice a week: +3 points
    • Once a month: +4 points
    • Never: +5 points
  2. Would you consider yourself fashionable?
    • Oh yes, I dress to impress!: +5 points
    • I'm no model, but I can stand out in a crowd: +4 points
    • I'm pretty average: +3 points
    • I abandoned good grooming habits years ago: +1 point
  3. Do you get sick often?
    • Yes, I feel like I'm sick all the time: +1 point
    • Every once in a while: +3 points
    • No! I'm healthy as a horse!: +5 points
  4. How often do you bathe?
    • Every day: +5 points
    • A few times a week: +4 points
    • Once a week: +3 points
    • Once a year, on my birthday!: +1 point
    • Never: +0 points
  5. Are you especially skilled, talented or charismatic?
    • Yes! I'm the best at everything!: +5 points
    • I've got a few skills. Like, nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills...: +3 points
    • No, I'm pretty boring: +1 point

Interpreting Your Score

A score between 3 and 9 means: You're pretty safe from a cannibal attack. They probably wouldn't pick you out of a crowd, but if you're weak and sickly and the cannibal isn't picky, you just might end up someone's meal.

A score between 10 and 16 means: You may or may not survive a cannibal attack. While you might not be the cannibal's first choice, if the cannibal is especially hungry you may be in danger. You should probably hone your running away skills just in case.

A score between 17 and 20 means: You will probably be eaten by a cannibal. You have attributes that make you especially desirable to a cannibal, but your health, skills, and confidence might help you fend them off.

A score between 21 and 22 means: You will probably be eaten by a cannibal. You have attributes that make you especially desirable to a cannibal, but your health, skills, and confidence might help you fend them off.

A score between 23 and 25 means: You will probably be eaten by a cannibal. You have attributes that make you especially desirable to a cannibal, but your health, skills, and confidence might help you fend them off.

*Disclaimer: this quiz is only for entertainment and is not an actual indicator of how you would fare in a real cannibal attack.

But Wait, There's a Song!

Hopefully this article has educated you in how to avoid a cannibalistic demise. To further illustrate, here's a sub-par music video:

© 2018 Lauren Flauding

Comments

Jim Henderson from Hattiesburg, Mississippi on April 28, 2020:

Now this was funny …and helpful. I think I have mastered most of the detractors, already.

Thanks. I feel safer now. Nicely written!

Lauren Flauding (author) from Sahuarita, AZ on February 01, 2018:

Natalie, I’m glad I could provide you with this invaluable information! ;)

Natalie Frank from Chicago, IL on January 31, 2018:

Great to finally know how to avoid being eaten by a cannibal!

Lauren Flauding (author) from Sahuarita, AZ on January 31, 2018:

Mary, most of them probably would!

Mary Wickison from Brazil on January 31, 2018:

Well, that was fun. I suspect your tips will also ward off other attackers and people in general.