Housecleaning Tips for the Procrastinator--How to Avoid Laundry
Do You Like to Do Laundry?
I've just learned some shocking news. There are actually a few people in the world who suffer from a mental illness that causes them to LIKE doing their laundry.
I feel for these people. I really do. I hope they can get help the help they need.
I am not one of them.
Today I am going to help you fellow laundry loathers to scrap the stain-fighting and forget the folding. Not only will you get some valuable tips for how to avoid laundry, I will provide some perfect excuses for why you simply shouldn't be slaving away over a hot washing machine today!
5 Great Excuses for Not Doing Laundry Today
- The washing machine smells funny. I'm letting it soak in X cleaner. (for a year or so.)
- I have sudden onset color blindness. I don't want to try to sort colors. (what if a red sock got in with your white undies?Tragic!)
- I'm allergic to fabric. All of it.
- It scares the clothes to put them in that cold, dark washing machine.
- There is a rumor that an evil clown lives in the lint trap...
How Do You Feel About Your Laundry?
How to Manage Unwashed Laundry--Tip #1.
If you don't wash clothes, they won't wash themselves. So what are you going to do? Here is a great tip.
Stop wearing clothes.
No, no. I don't mean all the time. But you can really cut down on the AMOUNT of laundry you don't wash by not wearing clothes when they are not absolutely necessary. Here are some places you should and should not wear clothes:
- In bed. Sleeping in clothes is a waste of cleanliness, unless you intend to wear that outfit again tomorrow.
- In your yard. If you do not have a privacy fence, now is the time to invest. Wearing clothes to do yardwork is just making dirt for yourself to clean up.
- At certain times in your car: If you are not getting out of your car, then a shirt is more than enough cloth. Just lay a nice, tarp, plastic bag, or blanket you don't need to wash across your lap.
- While doing housework: Why risk getting clothes stained up with dust or bleach or food?
- When expecting company: It is just basic etiquette. Especially if there will be any eating going on.
- At work: No one can concentrate if you are letting it all hang out around the watercooler.
- At school: Pencil sharpeners are dangerous. You need protective clothing.
- At the grocery store: I'm not sure why you should do this, but everyone does. Therefore, there must be a logical explanation.
Strange Laundry Truths
Fact or Fiction? You Decide!
- Socks suffer horrible torments as they are sucked down the dryer vent into the 134th circle of Sock Hell.
- Your laundry will never smell as nice as other people's.
- You will waste over 50 million minutes of your life washing laundry to perfection.
- Stains come back when you aren't looking.
- Because you absorb water, steam, stain remover gels, and dryer lint when doing laundry, you can actually gain weight every time you wash your clothes...
How to Avoid Laundry--Tip #2
Do not, for any reason, let people guilt you into believing that doing laundry is a reflection of your character. Laundry is not academic, artistic, creative, poetic, etc. It is just a huge tower of clothes that mock you daily.
Tune out the mocking with this tip--Wear It Again.
Why are you washing that pair of jeans? Are they really, really dirty? Probably not. You can probably avoid laundry for years just by buying lots of clothing items, and re-wearing them. If you want, you can freshen them with a little cologne or a rub-down with a dryer sheet.
Don't wear the same outfit over again too soon. Mix and match your mucky laundry for new, creative outfits! Yesterday's jeans pair up nicely with last Monday's sweater! Stains can be hidden with a similarly colored magic marker, or the just turn the entire garment inside out!
6 More Excuses for Not Loving Your Laundry
- I can't do laundry until the entire room has been remodeled for better Feng Shui.
- I'm out of laundry soap. So is the store.
- The hamper isn't QUITE full, yet.
- I refuse to send my socks to their death.
- I'm pretty sure the washer is possessed. Did you hear it knocking the last time I used it?
- I just haven't found the RIGHT laundry detergent for me...
Avoiding Laundry--Tip #3
Maybe you don't mind washing clothes, but the ironing, folding and hanging part gets you down. That's totally me too. I will wash and dry clothes all day if you ask me pretty please. But when it comes time to tackle the result--I'm ready to run.
Here are FOUR ways to make it super easy to avoid folding a single shirt:
- Pile ALL the clothes in a spare room. On a bed, on a chair. Whatever. They are still easy to dig through!
- Keep cycling the clothes through the washer and dryer. They may never get done, but it always sounds and smells like you are working hard at it!
- Put all clothes in laundry baskets and deposit in the appropriate rooms.
- Plastic bags. Closet floor. Enough said.
Place to store dirty or clean clothes
Place to store clean or dirty clothes
Place to store clean clothes/"iron" out wrinkles
Notifies neighbors that you didn't do laundry
Makes laundry room smell good
Make you listen for rinse cycle
Makes dryer smell good
Various craft projects
Helps you look serious about the laundry
Excuse for why clothes are not being washed
Place to stuff clean and half clean clothes
More Reasons and Excuses...
Come on! You can do this! Just walk away and keep these reasons handy:
- Doing laundry is against my religion.
- I can't watch the baby from the utility room.
- The clothes have to soak.
- Washing clothes too many times will ruin them.
- I cut the tag off...but it said "never wash this garment".
- The tag said "handwash", and my machine doesn't have that setting.
How to Properly Wash Laundry
- Wash clothes.
- Place in dryer
- For every article removed from dryer, replace with one item from washing machine.
- Place a new article in washing machine to replace missing shirt or pants.
- Wash whole load again so it won't spoil while the dryer is full.
How To Get Laundry Done Fast
Sometimes, you have to knuckle down and wash a load of clothes. Don't stretch this torment out longer than it needs to last.
- Don't sort. Its an evil ploy to make you use more soap.
- Use your muscles and stuff as much clothing in the washer as possible. Consider the lid to be the "fill line".
- Wash only what you are sure you are going to need. Place the rest to "soak" in stain remover. It will keep for a week or so if you refresh the water occasionally.
- Regularly donate clothes that don't survive. Or anything you don't love well enough to launder.
Some Bonus Excuses
Surely you've found some good ideas by now, right? Well, here are some more:
- I'm sorting those clothes to donate.
- I flipped a coin. Its your turn tonight.
- I'm not washing anything until we find the hamster/tarantula/lizard that escaped today.
- Our laundry was stolen today....
- The laundromat was quarantined today...
- I thought you said you would do it?
- I can only cook or do laundry in one day. Which is more important?
Use Your New Time Wisely
Without a laundry schedule, you should have several more hours of free time in your week. Use this time wisely. DON'T use it to go clothes shopping! Going shopping if you hate washing clothes is just a form of self-torment.
Instead, use this quality time to do some serious work. You now have the perfect opportunity to find some other projects and chores to avoid.
DISCLAIMER: This article is meant to be humorous. I would never recommend not washing your laundry, since it leads to a host of problems, such as oversupply of laundry soap, low utility bills, and having to wear the last and worst pair of clean underwear from the bottom of the drawer.
Don't wear ugly underwear. Wash your clothes.