Quoted here are some of the funniest and most bizarre epitaphs I have come across. I am sure they will make you smile too, and I would love to hear of any others you may know of.
Name and Date Unknown
Here lies a lewd Fellow, who, while he drew Breath,
In the Midst of his Life was in Quest of his Death;
Which he quickly obtain'd for it cost him his Life,
For being in Bed with another Man's Wife.
William Simmonds (1673-1753)
Here lies my corpse who was the man
That lov'd a sop in dripping pan
But now believe me I am dead
Now here the pan stands at my head
Still for sop to the last I cry'd
But could not eat and so I died
My neighbours they perhaps may laugh
When they do read my epitaph.
Nicholas Toke (18th Century)
He married five wives
Whom he survived.
At the age of 93 he walked to London
to seek a sixth but died before he found her.
Name and Dates Unknown
Since thy third curing of the French infection,
Priapus hath in thee found no erection,
yet eat'st thou ringoes and potato roots
And caviar, but it little boots.
Besides the bed's head a bottle's lately found
Of liquor that a quart cost twenty pound:
For shame, if not more grace, yet shew more wit
Surcease now sin leaves thee to follow it.
Some smile, I sigh, to see thy madness such
That that which stands not, stands thee in so much.
John Gill (dates unknown)
Beneath this smooth stone by the bone of his bone
Sleeps Master John Gill;
By lies when alive this attorney did thrive,
And now that he's dead he lies still.
Mr Pricke (dates unknown)
Upon the fifth day of November
Christ's College lost a privy member;
Cupid and death did both their arrows nick,
Cupid shot short, but death did hit the prick;
Women lament and maidens make great moans,
Because the prick is laid beneath the stones.
Emily White (20th Century)
Here lies the body of Emily White,
She signalled left, and then turned right.
W.C. Fields (1880-1946)
Here lies W.C. Fields.
On the whole I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Here lies Groucho Marx
and Lies and Lies and Lies
P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
Jonathan Grober (dates unknown)
Died dead sober.
Lord thy wonders never cease.
Martha Dias (1730-1800)
Here lies the body of Martha Dias,
Who was always uneasy and not over pious,
She liv'd to the age of threescore and ten,
And gave that to the worms she refus'd to the men.
Mike O'Day (dates unknown)
This is the grave of Mike O'Day
Who died maintaining his right of way.
His right was clear, his will was strong.
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.
Delia (16th Century)
Here Delia's buried at fourscore;
When young, a lewd rapacious Whore,
Vain and expensive; but when old,
A pious, sordid, drunken Scold.
Name Unknown (18th Century)
Here lies my poor wife, much lamented,
She is happy and I am contented.
Lord Coningsby (18th Century)
Here lies Lord Coningsby - be civil,
The rest God knows - so does the Devil.
Sir John Strange (1696-1754)
Here lies an honest lawyer, -
That is Strange.
Wallace Ford (1897-1966) British Actor
At last I get top billing.
Dr Keene (18th Century)
Here lies Dr Keene, the good Bishop of Chester,
Who eat up a fat goose, but could not digest her.
Viscount Castlereagh (1769-1822)
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this:
Here lies the bones of Castlereagh:
Stop, traveller, and piss.
Frederick Louis, Prince of Wales (1707-51) Eldest Son of George II
Here lies Fred
Who was alive and is dead:
Had it been his father,
I had much rather;
Had it been his brother,
Still better than another;
Had it been his sister,
No-one would have missed her;
Had it been the whole generation,
So much better for the nation.
But since 'tis only Fred,
Who was alive and is dead,
There's no more to be said.
Dr Chard (19th Century)
Here lies the corpse of Doctor Chard,
Who fill'd half of this churchyard.
John Edwards (died 1904)
John Edwards who perished in a fire
None could hold a candle to him.
Unknown Vicar (18th Century)
He was literally a father to all the children of the parish.
Name Unknown (died 1701)
Here lie I and my three daughters,
All from drinking the Cheltenham waters.
While if we had kept to the Epsom salts,
We should not now be in these here vaults.
Name Unknown (19th Century)
Here lies my dear wife, a sad slattern and a shrew.
If I said I regretted her, I should lie too.
Elizabeth Charlotte (dates unknown)
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.
John Macfarlane (dates unknown)
Erected to the memory of
Drowned in the Waters of Leith
By a few affectionate friends.
John Brown (18th Century) Dentist
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
John Brown is filling his lasy cavity.
Jemima Jones (died 1803)
This is the last long resting place
Of Aunt Jemima Jones
Her soul ascended into space
Amidst our tears and groans
She was not pleasing to the eye
Nor had she any brain
And when she talked twas through her nose
Which gave her friends much pain
But still we feel that she was worth
The money that was spent
upon the coffin, hearse and stone
(The funeral plumes were lent).
I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did, and will made allowances for some of the strange punctuation that was used in the older epitaphs.
If you have any of your own examples please share them in the comments section below.
Larry Clayton on March 10, 2019:
In Burlington Churchyard, MA, this epitaph was written for a man who obviously wasn't happily married:
"Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin';
So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin."
francis Armstrong on January 20, 2019:
Here lies the corpse of an angry ant
who at his clerks would scream and rant
struck off by law that he professed
no wife, no children, no family blessed
he bravely shot his neighbour's dog
who disobeyed his boundary fence
he never smiled just gathered pence
and when he died the nave as bare
the Pearly Gates no welcome there.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on April 22, 2018:
Linda M Giberson on April 22, 2018:
Excellent~! I love these~!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on May 17, 2017:
Thanks Diana, glad you enjoyed this.
Diana Majors from Arkansas, USA on May 17, 2017:
I enjoyed reading these! Thanks for the giggles!
eric peterman on February 20, 2017:
saw this in a grave yard in central PA
here lies the body of edward black lectric car ripped him up the back
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 25, 2016:
Good one Perspycacious
Demas W Jasper from Today's America and The World Beyond on October 25, 2016:
The simplest headstone and epitaph said simply "John BURNS"
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on March 08, 2013:
Two excellent ones there Trwisconner, thanks for posting them :)
Trwisconner on March 08, 2013:
Remember me as you pass by.
Where you are now so once was I.
Where I am now so you will be,
So think of death and pray for me.
The good die young
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 14, 2012:
Don't get what alexj?
alex] on October 14, 2012:
i dont get it
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 11, 2012:
LOL, now that would be a good one rutley :)
rutley from South Jersey on October 11, 2012:
Love this.....when my family says I fart to much, I tell them to put it on my headstone! She had to much gas!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on July 11, 2012:
Never mind Carl, if you think of one you can always come back and post it here :)
carl on July 10, 2012:
creative writing? May He bless me pass this subject... Don't know how to write an Epitaph:-)
Tee Hee on November 14, 2011:
Come blooming youths as you pass by,
And on these lines do cast an eye.
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now so must you be;
Prepare for death and follow me.
Underneath someone had added in graffiti:
To follow you
I am not content,
How do I know
which way you went?
Fawn on October 12, 2011:
LIE BENEATH THIS STONE
THE IMMORTAL PART
LIVES WHERE THE
WEARY ARE AT REST
HE WAS BORN IN
CHESTER CO. PA
AUG. 18TH 1776
DIED IN BERWICK
SEPT. 11TH 1852
READER PREPARE TO MEET THY GOD
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 08, 2011:
Thanks Ted, glad you enjoyed these :)
Ted Malahito on October 08, 2011:
Really funny. Thanks for sharing.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on September 29, 2011:
Nice one Tony, loved it :)
tony on September 28, 2011:
"Damn i'm good" headstone in Port Angeles Wa.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on September 21, 2011:
Thanks LeslieAdrienne, I appreciate your commenting :)
Leslie A. Shields from Georgia on September 20, 2011:
These are funny... Thanks for sharing
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on September 08, 2011:
I am afraid these are all I have Bridgette. I wish I could help more. Reading the comments here may offer some ideas as a few people have posted some excellent suggestions.
Bridgette on September 08, 2011:
I'm making a homemade graveyard for Halloween and I am thinking of putting some REALLY funny Epitaphs on the graves.... Could you put some extremely funny ones on her?
fat guy 101 on September 01, 2011:
these are cool:)
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 26, 2011:
LOL, that is hilarious Brett! Thanks for posting it :)
Brett Riverboat on August 26, 2011:
Here I lie, and its no wonder i'm dead: For the wheel of the van went right over my head. :p
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on May 09, 2011:
LOL ruffridyer, very good :)
ruffridyer from Dayton, ohio on May 09, 2011:
Famous last words from a union officer, "Those rebels couldn't hit an elephant from that dis,..."
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on April 12, 2011:
Thanks jayb23, I am so very pleased you enjoyed this hub :)
jayb23 from India on April 12, 2011:
LOL misty loved all of them but the first one was indeed the best one. thanks for the laugh cheers.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on February 19, 2011:
Hi sueroy333, Thanks so much for commenting, and I am really delighted this made both you and your Husband have a good laugh. One of my favourites is the "I told you I was sick" one too. :)
Susan Mills from Indiana on February 19, 2011:
This was awesome. My husband I just read these, laughing our butts off. Our favorite was the picture, "I told you I was sick". There's nothing like being short and to the point!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on February 08, 2011:
Thanks NMC, I would like to leave people laughing after I'm gone too :)
NMC on February 07, 2011:
I love these it gives me great ideas for when i pass on haha.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 21, 2011:
Good One Al Wolf417, thanks for sharing :)
Al Wolf417 on January 20, 2011:
These are funny! Here's mine
Al Wolf -
"Didn't live long enough to make a good Epitaph"
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 06, 2011:
That is actually really quite nice as well as funny 'wood', thanks for posting it here.
wood on January 06, 2011:
leave me alone I'm sleeping
is my favorite
Wolf on December 21, 2010:
Here lies John Bunn
He was killed by a gun
His name was not Bunn but Wood
But Wood would not ryhme with gun
But Bunn would
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 15, 2010:
Thanks Bobby88, I love that one, highly funny :)
Hi Deadgirlcomealive, very cute and to the point. Thanks :D
Deadgirlcomealive on October 15, 2010:
Great hub!! Really enjoyed reading those, I'd like to add this to your collection, I want it on my gravestone-
Be right back.
bobby88 on October 15, 2010:
As you are now, I once was. As I am now, you shall be. So prepare for death and follow me.
To which someone replied underneath,
" To follow you I am not content, for how do I know which way you went?"
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 07, 2010:
LOL, still a good example qwinkly, thanks for sharing it :)
qwinkly on October 07, 2010:
Nor a poem in any way, but there's a gravestone in Royal Oak, Michigan with the name GOING on it. Ya think? Too late !
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on September 24, 2010:
Excellent Alan, another great addition to the collection :) Thanks
Alan Davis on September 24, 2010:
Here lies James Dunn he raced for the crossing but the train won
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on September 21, 2010:
Thanks Rebecca E. So pleased you enjoyed these.
Rebecca E. from Canada on September 21, 2010:
oh this is awesome, well done, I love these, they give such a good laugh, (begging the dead's pardon on that!) but well done!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on July 13, 2010:
Thanks Brandy, glad you enjoyed it.
brandyBachmann on July 13, 2010:
this hub is wicked funny! thumbs up! \m/
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on June 06, 2010:
Thanks Colleen :)
colleen on June 05, 2010:
Awesome! LOL! I love it
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on March 22, 2010:
LOL, I love that one Bstone, thanks :)
Bstone on March 22, 2010:
"Here lies my husband, what else is new"
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on February 05, 2010:
LOL, I like that one Blue1234, very good :)
Blue1234 from Wales, United Kingdom on February 05, 2010:
Haha these make me laugh! My friend wants a good one on her grave:
"Man that was painful!"
:D lol xxx.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 29, 2010:
LOL, good one drbj, (groan), well said :)
drbj and sherry from south Florida on January 29, 2010:
Thanks, Misty, your funny epitaphs made me laugh. Here is one I thought of after reading your Hub: Here lies the writer who finally found an original plot.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 28, 2010:
LOL, good one Nell, thanks for including it in your comment :)
Nell Rose from England on January 28, 2010:
ha ha really funny. The one I remember seeing was something like. here lies the body of karate expert john smith who died while saluting his commanding officer. Sorry! could'nt resist.. cheers nell
margulise on January 14, 2010:
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery
Robert Ballard on November 08, 2009:
Great hub, loved them all
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 21, 2009:
Great idea Rachael, thanks for telling us about it.
Rachel on October 21, 2009:
Were doing these for work... here is mine
Rachel is no longer with us. She has taken a higher position.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 06, 2009:
LOL, Thanks Storytellersrus :)
Barbara from Stepping past clutter on October 05, 2009:
Cremation- such a travesty for a poet.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 05, 2009:
Cheers Epsilon, and I am happy they made you smile too :)
Epsilon5 from Eastern Pennsylvania on October 05, 2009:
Thank you much for sharing these! Certainly full of win, they are...
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 04, 2009:
Thanks Chris, so pleased you enjoyed these :)
ChrisAmsterdam on October 04, 2009:
Interesting..Some people have a REALLY good sense of humor! Thanks for sharing!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 02, 2009:
Cheers Jess, glad you enjoyed this, loved the last comment too :)
Jess Killmenow from Nowheresville, Eastern United States on October 02, 2009:
What a collection! Thanks so much, I needed a chuckle.
There was a ghost in a story who had an epitaph: "Gone to his just reward." But visitors to his grave snickered at it, so after a few decades work he rubbed it off. :)
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 02, 2009:
LOL I love this one mcblaes, thanks for sharing it with us :)
mcblaes on October 01, 2009:
This was written in a book written by the daughter of a 19th century U. S. Marshal who dictated his memories to her. In a chapter entitled "Humor in the Old West" one of the graves read - Here lies Bill Jones shot by Jack Reilly June !st 1884 He lived the life of Reilly While Reilly was out of town.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 29, 2009:
Thanks Rebecca, I enjoyed them when I first read them too :)
Rebecca E. from Canada on August 28, 2009:
Some of the best "after" life comments, thanks.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 27, 2009:
Thanks Tdarby, let me know if you come up with a goo one :)
tdarby on August 26, 2009:
Those are fantastic. I started thinking of my own. Hope I come up with a great one--it seems to me a wonderful way to live on in this world even beyond the grave
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 16, 2009:
Hi Again LogicalSpark, to the best of my knowledge no they are not, but I wouldn't be certain!
LogicalSpark on August 15, 2009:
I wish I were as creative ....nor do I expect those who dispose me off (!) to be as creative.
Are any of these copyrighted?
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 15, 2009:
Thanks LogicalSpark, or you could make up one of your own!!! :)
LogicalSpark on August 15, 2009:
Trying to see which of these can I reserve for myself !
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 10, 2009:
Thanks elisabethkcmo, I too would rather relatives smiled at my graveside than wept.
elisabethkcmo from Just East of Oz on August 09, 2009:
these are wonderful, epitaphs and gravestones are there for the friends and family, might as well make them smile
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 06, 2009:
LOL, thanks Chloe, good point, perhaps it is a better idea to plan your own ahead of time so to speak.... just in case. :)
Chloe Comfort from Long Island on August 06, 2009:
Very funny! Now I'll have to write my own just in case :-) Ya never know what people will have written on your headstone when your gone - better safe than sorry. I have laughed today!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 04, 2009:
Thanks Keith, glad you enjoyed them.
Keith S on August 04, 2009:
very cool, thank you for sharing them
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on July 10, 2009:
Thanks General, pleased they gave you a good laugh too :)
Gener Geminiano from Land of Salt, Philippines on July 10, 2009:
Nyahaha hehehe this is really funny...
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 10, 2009:
Hi Johnny, not at all. If you have new ones please go for it and publish them. :)
Thanks Proud Mom, glad you enjoyed this :)
Proud Mom from USA on January 09, 2009:
I can't believe it took me so long to find this hub! Hilarious! Thank you so much for a great laugh!
johnny yuma1 on January 09, 2009:
I ran across several that I didn't see in your hub. Would it offend you if I put up one of my own like it?
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 07, 2009:
Thanks Sheena, great to have you as part of my fan club :)
sheenarobins from Cebu, Philippines on January 07, 2009:
Sure is another way at looking at dying. hahaha. Made me smile. I'm an instant fan.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 07, 2009:
Thanks David, laughter and positive memories are so important I reckon. Thanks also for becoming a fan of mine :)