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Examples of Funny and Bizarre Epitaphs


Quoted here are some of the funniest and most bizarre epitaphs I have come across. I am sure they will make you smile too, and I would love to hear of any others you may know of.

Name and Date Unknown

Here lies a lewd Fellow, who, while he drew Breath,

In the Midst of his Life was in Quest of his Death;

Which he quickly obtain'd for it cost him his Life,

For being in Bed with another Man's Wife.

William Simmonds (1673-1753)

Here lies my corpse who was the man

That lov'd a sop in dripping pan

But now believe me I am dead

Now here the pan stands at my head

Still for sop to the last I cry'd

But could not eat and so I died

My neighbours they perhaps may laugh

When they do read my epitaph.

Nicholas Toke (18th Century)

He married five wives

Whom he survived.

At the age of 93 he walked to London

to seek a sixth but died before he found her.

Name and Dates Unknown

Since thy third curing of the French infection,

Priapus hath in thee found no erection,

yet eat'st thou ringoes and potato roots

And caviar, but it little boots.

Besides the bed's head a bottle's lately found

Of liquor that a quart cost twenty pound:

For shame, if not more grace, yet shew more wit

Surcease now sin leaves thee to follow it.

Some smile, I sigh, to see thy madness such

That that which stands not, stands thee in so much.

John Gill (dates unknown)

Beneath this smooth stone by the bone of his bone

Sleeps Master John Gill;

By lies when alive this attorney did thrive,

And now that he's dead he lies still.

Mr Pricke (dates unknown)

Upon the fifth day of November

Christ's College lost a privy member;

Cupid and death did both their arrows nick,

Cupid shot short, but death did hit the prick;

Women lament and maidens make great moans,

Because the prick is laid beneath the stones.

Emily White (20th Century)

Here lies the body of Emily White,

She signalled left, and then turned right.

W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Here lies W.C. Fields.

On the whole I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Here lies Groucho Marx

and Lies and Lies and Lies

P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Jonathan Grober (dates unknown)

Jonathan Grober

Died dead sober.

Lord thy wonders never cease.

Martha Dias (1730-1800)

Here lies the body of Martha Dias,

Who was always uneasy and not over pious,

She liv'd to the age of threescore and ten,

And gave that to the worms she refus'd to the men.

Mike O'Day (dates unknown)

This is the grave of Mike O'Day

Who died maintaining his right of way.

His right was clear, his will was strong.

But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.

Delia (16th Century)

Here Delia's buried at fourscore;

When young, a lewd rapacious Whore,

Vain and expensive; but when old,

A pious, sordid, drunken Scold.

Name Unknown (18th Century)

Here lies my poor wife, much lamented,

She is happy and I am contented.

Lord Coningsby (18th Century)

Here lies Lord Coningsby - be civil,

The rest God knows - so does the Devil.

Sir John Strange (1696-1754)

Here lies an honest lawyer, -

That is Strange.

Wallace Ford (1897-1966) British Actor

At last I get top billing.

Dr Keene (18th Century)

Here lies Dr Keene, the good Bishop of Chester,

Who eat up a fat goose, but could not digest her.

Viscount Castlereagh (1769-1822)

Posterity will ne'er survey

A nobler grave than this:

Here lies the bones of Castlereagh:

Stop, traveller, and piss.

Frederick Louis, Prince of Wales (1707-51) Eldest Son of George II

Here lies Fred

Who was alive and is dead:

Had it been his father,

I had much rather;

Had it been his brother,

Still better than another;

Had it been his sister,

No-one would have missed her;

Had it been the whole generation,

So much better for the nation.

But since 'tis only Fred,

Who was alive and is dead,

There's no more to be said.

Dr Chard (19th Century)

Here lies the corpse of Doctor Chard,

Who fill'd half of this churchyard.

John Edwards (died 1904)

John Edwards who perished in a fire

None could hold a candle to him.

Unknown Vicar (18th Century)

He was literally a father to all the children of the parish.

Name Unknown (died 1701)

Here lie I and my three daughters,

All from drinking the Cheltenham waters.

While if we had kept to the Epsom salts,

We should not now be in these here vaults.

Name Unknown (19th Century)

Here lies my dear wife, a sad slattern and a shrew.

If I said I regretted her, I should lie too.

Elizabeth Charlotte (dates unknown)

Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte

Born a virgin, died a harlot.

She was aye a virgin at seventeen

A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.

John Macfarlane (dates unknown)

Erected to the memory of

John Macfarlane

Drowned in the Waters of Leith

By a few affectionate friends.

John Brown (18th Century) Dentist

Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!

John Brown is filling his lasy cavity.

Jemima Jones (died 1803)

This is the last long resting place

Of Aunt Jemima Jones

Her soul ascended into space

Amidst our tears and groans

She was not pleasing to the eye

Nor had she any brain

And when she talked twas through her nose

Which gave her friends much pain

But still we feel that she was worth

The money that was spent

upon the coffin, hearse and stone

(The funeral plumes were lent).

And So

I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did, and will made allowances for some of the strange punctuation that was used in the older epitaphs.

If you have any of your own examples please share them in the comments section below.

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