CWanamaker enjoys reading, writing, and learning about the world around us.
Imagine that you wake up one morning with a massive pimple on your forehead. You've got a big date or an important meeting within hours and you need this pimple gone and a need it gone now. Of course, this swollen mountain of disgusting pus appeared at the worst possible time - and it's so painful too! Time is of the essence and you really need to get rid of it. You try a hot compress "to open up your pores" but quickly throw in the towel that one. Next, you try poking and prodding at the parasitic mound on your forehead in an attempt to coax it into submission. Finally, in a moment of desperation, you decide to do the unthinkable. With your straightened index fingers and the full force of your upper body, you go for the kill and Pop That Zit!
After a brief moment of pain, you feel a sense of relief. But soon after, a feeling of remorse sets in as you realize your mistake - the pimple looks even worse now! Within fifteen or so minutes, the oozing and bleeding stops but the cratered remains of a large boil still resides on your forehead. In addition, now a nice, beautiful, bright red scab has formed in the wake of the pimple's demise. The scab looks like a bulls-eye on a dartboard which will only serve to bring you more unwanted attention. It's too late to do anything about it now. Even your best makeup can't hide this atrocity. What do you do?
Too embarrassed to tell your friends, family, and colleagues what really happened, perhaps you need a great story to accompany the "battle wound" that now resides just above your nose. If you need a good cover story, I offer several potential explanations below that can be used to tell people what really happened to your face.
1. Baseball Shenanigans
When your best friend sees you and asks about the goose-egg on your head, you might want to tell them how much you enjoy playing baseball. In fact, you love baseball so much that during the previous night you were actually hit in the face by a fly ball. If your pimple is particularly grotesque, maybe you can say that you got hit with the bat instead!
I like this explanation because I have actually heard it before. It was probably a lie, but no one questioned their story. Depending on how the story is told, what details are given, and if you really are into baseball or not, it can be quite believable.
2. Golf Cart Incident
If baseball isn't your thing, then perhaps you like to play golf instead. An incident involving a golf cart and a tree branch just might have the believability that you need to stop the embarrassing truth about the ugly pimple from being revealed. A plausible golf cart incident could involve you driving on a porrly maintained course just as the sun was setting resulting in a collision between a tree or shrub and your face.
This is another explanation that I have heard from someone years ago. In this case, the story was very plausible since the fellow was an avid golfer. However, the wound did appear strangely swollen so I did suggest that he get it checked out as it could be getting infected.
3. The Scared Animal
Perhaps you are a nature lover and enjoy spending time outdoors. If so, then blaming mother nature is a great way to explain the source of the enormous pimple that formed on your head during the night. A potential story could involve you investigate some "rustling" in nearby bushes whereby a scared creature pops out at the last moment only to hit you in the head as it scampers away. I have personally never heard this specific story used to cover up a botched pimple removal. However, I have heard similar ones involving dogs or horses.
4. The Rambunctious Toddler
Having children is great. They are fun, interesting, and challenging all at the same time. In addition, the imagination of children never ceases to amaze me. One thing that children love to do is play. Anyone who has children can attest to the fact that they will often get pretty rowdy and rambunctious during play time. When every toy is on the floor and the children start getting really wild, someone is bound to get hurt. In many cases, poor mommy or daddy is the one that suffers.
If you have kids, you could easily fabricate a tall tale to explain "what happened to your face." Perhaps a flying action figure went exceed escape velocity and nailed your head right between the eyes. Or perhaps during an attempt to chase down your 5 year old, you slipped on a stack of Pokemon cards and hit your head on the corner of the table. Whatever your story is, it is sure to be believable when kids are involved. Amazingly, I have never heard of anyone using this or a similar story to explain an injury on their face. However, I probably haven't been around long enough to hear this one, though.
5. Driving Without a Windshield
The windshield on your car or truck serves a very important purpose. First and foremost, the windshield acts as a physical barrier between your face (and body) and the outside world. Anyone who has experienced the terror of a giant rock hitting your windshield while driving 75mph on the highway understands the vital role that this thin piece of glass plays in your safety. Driving without a windshield can be dangerous, even if you decide to replace it with glasses and/or a helmet. This offers the perfect stage for which to explain to someone the huge red bump that suddenly appeared on your head. When you tell them that you were driving without a windshield, it will be totally believable that you got hit in the face by a rock or even a bug.
6. A Spider Bite
Spider bites can be quite painful and depending on the type of spider, the bite can quickly become swollen and inflamed. In some cases, spider bites can even be deadly if it is treated by medical professionals. With that said, excusing the mark of a grotesque pimple by telling everyone it was a spider bite instead may actually be fairly believable. In some parts of the country, spider bites are very common, though they same to rarely occur on the head or face. If you happen to live somewhere where spiders aren't too common, then you'll need to find another insect to blame for your disfigured facade. I suggest picking the ugliest, meanest bug that crawls your neighborhood and using that as your scapegoat.
7. The High-Powered Blender
When you get to work the morning after discovering that a parasitic abscess has made its home on your face, you can tell your boss that you had a little accident the night before. This story could go something like this: While attempting live a healthy lifestyle, your blender "went crazy" and sprayed shredded fruit all over the walls and floors. In a rush to shut off the overzealous blender, you slipped on strawberry-banana pulp and hit your head on the edge of the counter. This is totally believable because everyone gets their daily fruit and vegetables by juicing them.
8. The Big Bar Brawl
Whenever there is a fight, someone is bound to get hurt. Furthermore, head wounds tend to be especially serious and it's not uncommon for even a superficial face wound to bleed and bruise excessively. So if you are looking for a believable excuse for the gigantic pimple that's throbbing on your forehead, perhaps you can tell everyone that you took an elbow or chair leg to face during a good old-fashioned bar fight. Even the man that was playing the piano and the guys enjoying a round of cards jumped into the ring and started swinging arms and throwing blows. The only thing that I can't help you with here is locating a copy of the police report to substantiate your story. You're on your own for this one.
Perhaps you love to fly or enjoy frequent hikes up to Everest's peak. If so, then you could easily developed a believable story surrounding the idea that you recently experienced a bout of hypoxia during your last high-altitude adventure. If you haven't heard, hypoxia is the term that describes a condition that the body experiences due to lack of oxygen. Symptoms of hypoxia include, among other things, confusion, and eventual loss of consciousness.
Therefore, your story can go something like this: While ascending the final leg of the trail to Everest's peak, your equipment failed and you began to succumb to the effects of hypoxia. The lack of oxygen caused you to black out which resulted in you falling forward. As you began to tumble down the mountain, your head struck a rock leaving behind a nasty mark. If you plan on using this story as your alibi, be sure to bring plenty of selfies from the mountainside to corroborate the events that lead up to how you got "that thing" on your face.
10. You Won a Game
How could winning a game result in a head injury? Well, I'm sure that you've heard the old saying that winning isn't everything. In many respects, this saying is very true. However, the saying is meaningless when you are playing the wrong game with a very competitive friend or sibling. When I was in high school, I had a friend that would become extremely angry when he lost any game. He became especially irate when my other friends and I would destroy him in Mario Kart or Killer Instinct. There were many occasions when his competitive spirit got the best of him and he took out his frustrations on nearby furniture and innocent children's toys lying on the ground. As you can probably imagine, is uncontrolled rage could easily result in someone else getting hurt.
With that said, you could easily tell your boss or date that you beat a friend in a wild game of Roblox and he responded by punching you in the face. After your other friends calmed him down, you went home and discovered a massive bruise on your head. Some friends just love winning more than they love their friends!
© 2018 Christopher Wanamaker