Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.
Hi, it's me Andy and I am here to give advice to weirdos with weird problems. I use puns to make it more entertaining. Today the theme is medication. Since we are living through a pandemic and medical issues are a big deal, it seemed an appropriate time for this theme. Hold on to your medication bottles and enjoy the ride.
Travel Spoiled by Sick Husband
My husband and I love to travel around the world. We just got back from a trip to Viagra Falls on the Canadian side. Such awe and wonder. The only problem we had on the trip is that my husband developed a cold. He is usually an Inhaler, taking in fresh air, Smelling Salts air at the ocean, and the odor of campfires. But with the cold, he couldn't and got very cranky because he said he felt ill. Give me a break. He wanted to sit under the Placebo at the hotel, pout, and journal on his Tablet. But I Pushed and Drug him around sightseeing. One night he blew up at me and had a Tincture tantrum. I told him tantrums never Salve anything and to quit acting like a baby. Needless to say, because of his attitude during the trip, all my Aspirinations of having a wonderful time were spoiled. Now when the subject of a new adventure arises, he Drops the subject. What can I do to bring him around?
Allegravated Traveler Wife
Andy's Answer to Allegravated Traveler Wife
Dear Allegravated Traveler Wife,
I see the reason for your Allegravation, but he was not acting like an Inhibitor but was merely feeling ill. As hard as it may be for you, I think you should try to put yourself in his place. Sometimes the first few days of a cold are rotten. He just needed to rExlax a day or two and would have probably felt well enough to resume. Apologize sweetly and maybe he won't rInject the idea anymore.
My family is on my case for following people, places, and things in excess. What they fail to believe is that I have a bonafide case of clinical OTC, Obsessive Tailgate Condition. I am not being rude, I can't help it. I follow people around very closely from behind and stare at them. So people also call me a Stareoid. I admit I also follow vehicles very closely, supposing they are in danger and need watching over. For this I am also dubbed a Suppositorial driver. I've had several accidents by rear-ending people and the insurance company has discontinued our policy. My husband was so unkind. He said, "You'd better stop this Oral take your driver's license away." That's a hard thing to Swallow.
I also follow 12 million people each on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and InstaGrams. I realize that this inCures upon me the danger of whackos and predators, but hey, at least I'm never alone. My husband is worried someone will track us down and break in and Pillage our home.
Andy, my family's Intolerance and criticism enCapsulates the real problem. I think they should be more understanding. What do you think?
P.S. I follow your advice column diligently and find it of great Valium.
Andy's Answer to Ms. Tailgate
Dear Ms. Tailgait,
It's iTonic that you say you have a disorder called OTC causing this behavior. I looked for it in the most updated edition of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and could not find it. This behavior is rude, but more significantly, it puts your safety and that of others at great risk. Your family is justifiably concerned about your well-being. Your husband's Curey that someone might retaliate is leLiniment, and you might consider that someone could put a restraining order on you, and you could be arrested.
I do think there is a psychological Tissue going on here. These impulses have Powder over you, but it is not OTC. See a psychologist immediately before tragedy or arrest happens. I care about you and so does your family.
Man Traumatized by Antis When Growing Up
I grew up in a large extended family. I had many aunts and uncles, cousins, and the like. I am now in therapy due to traumatic events cause from my Antis.
My oldest anti, Anti Hista was Mean. She was never Cordial, always snapping at me, calling me names, putting me down. My therapist says I have no self esCream.
Anti Hista's weightlifting sister with bulging muscles was my Anti Bionic. One time I wet my bed and she came in and lifted me high in the air, flipped me over and dropped me face first on the wet puddle in my bed. I was 17 1/2. How humiliating it was that she could lift my 160 pound frame, but I couldn't lift a 20 pound Amazon box. I got slapped when I told her she wears depends so who is she to call me out for wetting my bed.
Then there was my dear Anti Depressantine. I never once saw her smile or laugh. No matter what the Serumstance, she was always full of woe. Mom said she has a Mercurial temperament, whatever that means.
Another anti worked at the local septic company. Not an office gal, nope, she pumped septic tanks. So we called her Anti Septic. We gave her lots of Botanical perfumes for Christmas and birthdays. Dad bought stock in Lysol and we got free cases of the stuff. Her "scent" always spoiled the Ambience during holidays and special occasions. It wasn't until I got COVID last month that I stopped smelling her.
I did have one sweet anti - Anti Buse. She never abused us and was full of fun. She was an astronomer and discovered new planets, like Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Zyprexa, Mucinex, Seroquel, Prednisone, and Isopropyl. And one time she discovered a new star in the Milky way, Magnesia. Mom said she was just manic when she said those things. Whatever, she was sure interesting. I wrote an essay about her in my science class naming all the planets she discovered. I got an F. I don't get it.
When I told my therapist about my antis, she said Theraflu people who have had a weirder family than me.
The reason I am writing you, Andy, is because I am stuck in my therapy. I can't seem to move forward. I have still have nightmares and flashbacks. Do you have any advice?
Thanks In Advance,
Messed Up Nephew
Andy's Answer to Messed Up Nephew
Dear Messed Up Nephew,
I think you should consider getting a new counselor. There are many more disturbed families than yours. I would make an appOinntment with a new counselor who encourages you and offers a positive pathway forward.
Best of luck,
Musician Says Band Doesn't Get Along
I'm a musician and singer in a band called The Broncho Dilaters. We often play at fairs and rodeos. At the rodeo, we compete in the bucking broncho competition. After all that bucking, our eyes dilate. So there you have it. We mostly sing old-time gospel and country music with a little Bluegrass thrown in for good Measure.
I am writing because of conflict in the group. They don't like my girlfriend Nicorette hanging around at rehearsals because she joins in the singing. No one complains when the banjo player's girlfriend Mae Lox hangs around and pipes in, or the steel guitarist's girlfriend, Penny Cillan. I think what they really don't like about Nicorette is she wants to be one of our Agents and likes to pick out songs for us. Her favorite is Warfarin' Stranger. It's a great song. She also says she thinks we should play the Lone Ranger theme song at every gig. But they say, "No way Chemosabi."
I've just about had it. The other band members complain, "What kind of Mucinex? Jazz, Rockabilly? Rap?" Andy, these conflicts can't continue. We need a Band Aid to coach us on how to find some Solutions, but no one agrees to get someone. What should I do? Is it wrong for Nicorette to make suggestions and ask to be involved?
Andy's Answer to Seeking Solutions
Dear Seeking Solutions,
Your problem reminds me of when John Lennon brought Yoko Ono around. They say she caused the break up of the Beatles. Whether that's true or not, you don't want that to happen with your band. It seems you and Nicorette have a different Visine for the band. It is only fair they have a say. I think it would be an excellent idea to get an outside adPfizer so you can learn to get along Bayer. But you must humble yourself and do what's best for the band, not your love life. Best of luck,
© 2021 Lori Colbo