Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.
Hi everyone. I'm Andy and I love to give advice to weirdos with weird problems, or just regular folks with strange problems. My column is full of puns to make it more interesting. Today's theme is the human brain, a complex organ that rules our whole body. Let's get started.
The Nosy Husband
My name is Sara Tonin. My husband and I were at the local tavern the other day and I couldn't help but overhear by Axondent a strange exchange between the bartender and three gentlemen. The bartender asked them what they were waiting for, anxious to serve them. The first man said he was waiting for his girlfriend, Sara Bellum. The second man said he was waiting for his girlfriend Nora Pinephrine. The third man said "I'm waiting for my twin girlfriends, Thalmus and Louise."
The girlfriends finally arrived. Sara Bellum said she was late because she started her monthly cycle and stopped at the store to get some Cortex. TMI.
Nora Pinephrine said she was held up at school because there was a Hippo on Campus.
Thalmus and Louise said they were on their way home from Vagus but got sick from the Noodle soup they had at the Casino.
They sat down at the bar and began to talk. I left my husband at the table and went and sat next to one of the guys and nursed another beer to listen in. I couldn't help but give advice when two of them were quarreling. One of the men told me to Mind my own business. My husband was so mad I left him and was eavesdropping that he came and butted in.
"I'm sorry folks. My wife has a serious problem with eavesdropping and Mentaling in other people's affairs. It Stems from an abusive home growing up. Come on, Sarah, we're going home."
I don't mind telling you, Andy, I was humiliated and wouldn't talk to him. Then he yelled at me for Skullikng.
I don't know what's so wrong with talking to people. I'm a friendly gal. How can I get my nagging husband to be more Recptoring of this gift of gab I have?
Gift of Gab
Andy's Answer to Gift of Gab
Dear Gift of Gab,
Eavesdropping and butting into private conversations is not a gift. It is rude and you're lucky you didn't get punched in the face. My advice is to accept this reality and Re-uptake your manners. It may sound like harsh advice but it may save your life and your marriage.
Lazy Athlete Son
Our son is eighteen and wants to try out for the OLimbics as a sprint runner. The problem is he never works out. The fastest I've ever seen him run is to the refrigerator or when he chases girls. He begged for a coach and we spent a lot of money, but the coach says he's a Dope And Mean and very lazy. When we confront our son, he tells us it's a Gray Matter and to get off his back.
We exercised our Parietal rights and let the coach go. Our son hasn't come out of his room for eight weeks. The smell is atrocious. What should we do?
Andy's Answer to Disgusted Father
Dear Disgusted Father,
I am sorry for your troubles with your son. If you haven't seen your son in eight weeks it's time to call the authorities. I don't know how he's eating but if he won't go to school, work, or train for the OLymbics, he should be sent packing, otherwise, you'll have a forty-five-year-old, dope-smoking, video-gaming man-child in your basement one day. Good luck.
Elderly Man Has Strange Symptoms
I'm an old man now. I lost my wife last year. When I was young I was a urCranium miner in the Eastern Hemisphere. It was quite an exciting life. But recently I was suffering some strange phenomena. My Lobes had grown so long and fat they touched my shoulders. I was always hearing someone Noggin on my door but no one was there. Someone once called and said, "This is Al's Heimer Institute. Would you like to donate?" I don't know an Al Heimer so I told him he had the wrong number. Then another solicitor called me from an organization called "End Orphans" asking me to donate money. I'd rather they find them homes, not kill them. My dog wouldn't come near me because I couldn't stop Snynapsing my fingers. Even though I Lost My Marbles, my fingers wouldn't stop playing. I love playing marbles and miss them. Lastly, I was seeing a Psychedellic Nut floating in my eyes. I told my son, "I think I have a brain tumor from all that urCranium." My son took me to the hOcippital. They tried to send me to the fourth floor, but the nurse said "There's Nothing Upstairs" available. I am home now. I was told not to eat the mushrooms on the lawn anymore and I would be fine. Back to Kale I guess. Andy, I don't need any advice. I'm just lonely and needed someone to listen.
Andy's Answer to Mr. Lonely
Dear Mr. Lonely,
Bless your heart, sir. I am so glad you shared your story with me and I want you to know I care. By your return address, it looks like you live in the next town over from me. I want to take you out for lunch and a ball game. I will call you later in the week. Take care and I look forward to seeing you.
P.S. The mushrooms at the restaurant are safe to eat.
© 2021 Lori Colbo