Dear Andy Advice Column Takes a Joke
Greetings everyone. I am Andy, your friendly national advice columnist and I am here to share the latest letters I have receieved. They are written pun style. Why puns? Because they're so punny. Yes, they are corny, but who cares. Let's face it, life is not a picnic, especially not here in the year 2020. Pandemic, racism, violence, political and press vitriol at an all-time high. I think we need to have a lot more laughter. It's cliche, but laughter really is the best medicine.
In that vein, today's installment will be filled with humor terminology. Yes, a way to get you through another grueling day slogging through the burning morass of 2020 American life. Let go and let laughter be your guide today. Thanks for joining me.
Man is Embarrassed by Son-in-law's Hairdo
My wife and I have a son-in-law named Jester who is in an 80s throwback rock band and also a radio rock jock. He's a very nice guy, but a bit scruffy looking, to put it mildly. His hair is long and wild, sticking out everywhere so that he looks like a Droll. I am ashamed to admit, it makes me Gag inside, like Yuk Yuk, and I am embarrassed when he is around on holidays with a house full of people. Recently, my daughter had a birthday Parody for him and his hair caught on fire when he blew out the candles. It was put out quickly thank goodness, but I was surprised to see him take a selfie with his hair still smoking and post it on Titter. It's almost like he's proud of it. I know my daughter senses my feelings.
Andy, I am kind to him, and I really do care about him, but how do I overcome the feelings of shame and disgust I have over his appearance?
Andy's Answer to @EmbarrassedFather-in-law
I think I understand your feelings, but if you raised your daughter to not judge a book by its cover, to look at the heart of the person, not the outside, then you need to practice the same. This may be the typical generation gap issue, but if Jester is a good human being, you need to set aside your feelings on his appearance and look at the man inside. At some point, your view of him may cause conflict and hurt feelings with your daughter. Is it worth it? Quit worrying about what other people think.
Man Despairs of Injuries and Teasing
A year ago I was deep-sea diving and saw a shark coming. I was accidentally Lampooned by my diving buddy right in the rear end. I couldn't sit for weeks. Last week I went bike riding with my wife. I fell off and Cracked Up my Humorous. It was a remote bike path so while I was writhing and Howling in pain, my wife used a Prank of wood as a splinter until she could get me to a hospital. When I got to the hospital, I was so woozy I Doubled Over and Rolled in the Aisle of the emergency room and broke a rib. The doctor showed me the x-ray and it showed I just missed a punctured lung. He said, "That's a bad crack, but a Wise Crack because the break went in a direction that missed your lung.
Well, I am glad it didn't puncture my lung, but I'm broken, bruised, and In Stitches and the pain is tremendous. My brilliant wife decided to make me a special cocktail of raspberry Chortle spiked with something and well, I Quipped and fell again and broke my face. There is a special name for this kind of break called a Facetious fracture which required drastic measures. I nearly Died Grafting in surgery. It's to be at least a year-long healing, not to mention I have so much cast on I look like a statue.
To make things much worse, while I was in the recovery room, I overheard the medical personnel referring to me as Mr. Bone Jangles, to which another responded, "Yes, he's b-b-b bad to the bones." Kind of hurt my feelings and made me very angry.
My question is: Should I report them, write a letter to them giving them what for, or just ignore it.
B-B-B Bad to the Bones
Andy's Answer to B-B-B Bad to the Bones
Dear B-B-B Bad to the Bones,
Let me begin by saying how sorry I am for all your suffering.
I am disheartened to hear adults, and medical personnel no less, making fun of a patient's infirmity. I would not ignore it. I would submit a formal complaint to the powers that be at the hospital.
Best wishes for a surprisingly shorter recovery than expected.
Husband Stutters When Writing
My husband has an odd malady. He speaks fluently but stutters when he writes. Here is a sentence for you written by him so you get the Fiture:
"I Ha-ha-Hardy-Har-hardly ever finish a LOL-LAMO-letter without stuttering. My doctor, Hee-Hee told me to see a Tee-Hee-team of doctors who said there is nothing wrong. They told me to Guff-Aw-go find a shrink. I'm Sat-ire-so tired of all this. Mwa-ha-ha-my heart aches to be over this."
The doctors who saw him were at such a loss they sent him to a speech therapist, who sent him to a psychic for writing analysis. I have spent hours and hours in front of the computer doing Giggle searches but nothing has come of it. I forgot to mention that this problem only cropped up about five years ago. Andy, my husband is so embarrassed about his problem he is afraid to see a counselor. How can I convince him to go? Writing is such a basic skill and it affects even filling out forms. We are desperate.
Andy's Answer to Proxy Wife
Dear Proxy Wife,
This is a unique problem indeed. In light of a fairly recent onset and nothing medically wrong, I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. Perhaps you can go with him for support and remind him that he will speak fluently with the therapist and does not need to show her his writing. It's amazing what the support of a loving spouse can do.
Best of luck,
Elderly Man Lives on Cereal and Candy Bars
I'm coming clean. I am 75 years old and when Sit-coms to eating, I eat nothing but breakfast cereal and candy bars since my darling wife died 20 years ago, and oh the variety. Nothing else tastes good to me and I'm terrible at Kooky. One of the things I like about cereal is that you can hear it - snap Cackle and pop. It's almost like my cereal is doing a little song and dance for me. If I eat steak or chicken, I Joke on it. Thank goodness the last time I had steak I was in a restaurant and the man with me saved me. He told me to Stand Up and Whackied on my back. I was glad I made it home that Saturday Night aLive.
I love getting my Kix every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (for every meal), and I'm always Up to Trix Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. And on Sunday I mix them. I eat 3 Snickers bars for lunch every day, except on holidays, in which I have Almond Joy bars.. When it's Zany outside, I melt them into my hot chocolate to keep me extra warm. It can be messy and run down onto my pants. But I'm a good Knee-Slapper with a napkin.
I was reading my horoscope yesterday. I am the sign of Hilarious. It told me I was going to have a very serious illness in the near future and I would have to change my diet. I thought "I don't give a Hoot." But today I woke up and felt like I was Busting a Gut. I will spare you the gruesome details of what followed. Needless to say, it was a gastroComic nightmare.
Along with all of this, I have been having trouble with my vision. So I went to the doctor. He said I have an eye disease called Jocularitis caused by too much sugar. He told all this sugar is a form of Amuse to my body, and I Jolly well better start eating better or I won't last another month.
I know all this sugar will Slay Me, but I'm hopelessly addicted. What can I do?
Andy's Answer to Sugar King
Dear Sugar King,
Wow, 20 years on a diet of straight sugar. How you've managed to stay alive until now is mind-boggling. Sugar is a very real addiction and you must Lose It. Alcohol has a lot of sugar in it so alcoholics have a similar problem only it's a beverage. You would benefit greatly from a 12 step program and perhaps work with a dietician. Start with one savory dish, like rice Irony. Then add other savory foods slowly.
I hope you will take this very seriously and do all that you can to get back to healthy eating.
That's all today peeps. I have to tell you, after Sugar King's letter, I don't ever think I'll eat cereal or candy bars again. In fact, I'm going to go have a veggie omelet this minute and a salad too.
If you are a weirdo, please write in and entertain us all.
© 2020 Lori Colbo