What To Buy ... What To Buy?
There's nothing like In-Laws! Brothers and Sisters-In-Laws love to protect their siblings from the mean spouse they married, while you're never good enough for the Mother and Father-In-Law. And the holidays always seems to bring out the best in all of them ... towards you. (Yes, Virginia, I'm being facetious!)
Some may be very good at hiding their feelings towards you. Just remember, you're an intruder into their family circle, and no matter how welcome they make you feel, they're going to talk badly about you once the holidays are over.
So, use these suggestions, wrap them in your best Christmas wrapping paper, and watch the results!
Besides, if they're gonna talk, why not give them something to talk about?
Disney Christmas Song
Here's Some Ideas To Make Them Love You!
1) Massage Parlor Certificates for all male in-laws. Find the most seedy type of massage parlor around and purchase gift certificates for only the male members of the family. Once you give them out, set up a "family evening" to provide them all with transportation to "Shanequa's Therapeutic Massage and Gentlemen’s Club.” Once they’re inside, call the local police department and talk to them about the “sins” occurring inside. Be sure to take pictures as your relatives are led out wearing only loin cloths and handcuffs. They will be great conversation pieces for future family reunions, as well as something to discuss when figuring out what to wear for next Halloween’s family party!
2) Vacuum cleaners for the mother and sister-in-laws. On the card, print, “Just wanted to get you something you could use year around. I saw you needed one the last time we visited!” Don’t buy the most expensive models by any means. That way, the next time you visit their homes, you can always ask, “Oh no, did the vacuum cleaner I bought you tear up already?” It’s a gift you can enjoy every time you visit!
3) Weapons that shoot for all male members of the family that suffer from road rage “itus” and anger management problems. Demonstrate how to clean and use them, as well as the ease in loading. The guys will love these, but the females of the household will hate them. You’ll create many “in house” arguments that will occupy the time they’d normally be talking about you, and may even help in ending an argument or two! Forever!
4) Glade Mist Machines for all the female in-laws. Same principal as the vacuum cleaners. Tell them how you had a hard time figuring what to buy them for Christmas, until you saw the mist machine and remembered how their house smelled last time you were there. Then, ask them if they ever got rid of the dog (you know they never had). Watch their faces and enjoy the fun!
5) All-You-Can-Eat Buffet gift certificates for all on diets. Tell them how the salad bar is fantastic, but the juicy, golden fried chicken (that is perfectly seasoned and crunchy on the outside yet pure Heaven on the inside) and fresh baked, apple pie simply melts in your mouth, especially when you take it to the freeze machine and cover it in fresh vanilla ice cream! Watch the drool start to flow and lay it on even heavier for more laughs!
6) Cooking School Certificates for the female in-laws. This is another way to attest to the culinary skills of the households in question. This is also a good time to tell them that, again, you didn’t know what to buy them so you asked their husbands what would be the most needed thing in the house that needed improvement. Then say, “Oops, I told y’all I wasn’t going to tell them that” and watch the fun begin!
Gayla Peevey - "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas"
7) Rabbits for all in-laws with kids. There’s nothing more painful to keep than a rabbit. First, none will have a place for it, or want it, but the kids will be so excited to have one (especially after you tell them that Peter Cottontail wants to see it Easter before leaving any Easter baskets) that the parents will be stuck with it. Talk to the breeder ahead of time, and only purchase female rabbits that were kept in the same pen with a male or two. In a short time, the fun will really start taking place!
8) Mature Theatrical Releases. For the family members that feel they’re too old for such nonsense, provide them with a reason to visit the doctor and enjoy the embarrassment of going to the pharmacy after those little pills that bring about big evenings of nostalgia. Be sure to purchase those that display as many tattoos as possible. In the months to follow, “Have you gotten any tattoos, yet?” can always be a great conversation ender when they start to get on your case about something ridiculous.
9) Sexy Underwear (that’s way too small). Make a quick trip to the web and purchase something that an eighteen year old would have a hard time fitting into for both male and female in-laws. Then, watch the faces as presents are opened and tell them how well it will go with the videos you purchased them! If you really want to have fun, tell them to go into the bedroom and try it on. You can get even a bigger kick if you bug the bedroom in advance and sell chances on the time it takes for the thong to snap!
10) Booze, Booze, and more Booze! The best way to shut up your in-laws from talking about you is to get them drunk. Not just a little, a lot! Spike the punch, spike the tea, spike the coffee, spike the green beans if you have to. Just get them drunk.
Be sure not to drink any of it yourself, as you’ll be needed taking pictures of the fools trying on the lingerie, shooting the weapons out of the windows at passing trucks, and of your mother-in-law vacuuming, as she staggers around the house with a wine glass in her hand. Slobbering drunks that have passed out also gives you reason to leave early, so you can get back home and really enjoy what Christmas is all about.
A Day Off From Work!!!
Some Final Thoughts
If you follow the above advice, you will be sure to enjoy the gifts you provided for a long time. If you decide on trying to purchase something “useful” and “meaningful” you’ll fail miserably, as always. Then, you’ve only yourself to blame for the ridicule you receive the rest of the year.
“Tis The Season To Be Jolly!”