Christmas Gifts for In-Laws (You Don't Like)
What To Buy ... What To Buy?
There's nothing like In-Laws! Brothers and Sisters-In-Laws love to protect their siblings from the mean spouse they married, while you're never good enough for the Mother and Father-In-Law. And the holidays always seems to bring out the best in all of them ... towards you. (Yes, Virginia, I'm being facetious!)
Some may be very good at hiding their feelings towards you. Just remember, you're an intruder into their family circle, and no matter how welcome they make you feel, they're going to talk badly about you once the holidays are over.
So, use these suggestions, wrap them in your best Christmas wrapping paper, and watch the results!
Besides, if they're gonna talk, why not give them something to talk about?
Disney Christmas Song
Here's Some Ideas To Make Them Love You!
1) Massage Parlor Certificates for all male in-laws. Find the most seedy type of massage parlor around and purchase gift certificates for only the male members of the family. Once you give them out, set up a "family evening" to provide them all with transportation to "Shanequa's Therapeutic Massage and Gentlemen’s Club.” Once they’re inside, call the local police department and talk to them about the “sins” occurring inside. Be sure to take pictures as your relatives are led out wearing only loin cloths and handcuffs. They will be great conversation pieces for future family reunions, as well as something to discuss when figuring out what to wear for next Halloween’s family party!
2) Vacuum cleaners for the mother and sister-in-laws. On the card, print, “Just wanted to get you something you could use year around. I saw you needed one the last time we visited!” Don’t buy the most expensive models by any means. That way, the next time you visit their homes, you can always ask, “Oh no, did the vacuum cleaner I bought you tear up already?” It’s a gift you can enjoy every time you visit!
3) Weapons that shoot for all male members of the family that suffer from road rage “itus” and anger management problems. Demonstrate how to clean and use them, as well as the ease in loading. The guys will love these, but the females of the household will hate them. You’ll create many “in house” arguments that will occupy the time they’d normally be talking about you, and may even help in ending an argument or two! Forever!
4) Glade Mist Machines for all the female in-laws. Same principal as the vacuum cleaners. Tell them how you had a hard time figuring what to buy them for Christmas, until you saw the mist machine and remembered how their house smelled last time you were there. Then, ask them if they ever got rid of the dog (you know they never had). Watch their faces and enjoy the fun!
5) All-You-Can-Eat Buffet gift certificates for all on diets. Tell them how the salad bar is fantastic, but the juicy, golden fried chicken (that is perfectly seasoned and crunchy on the outside yet pure Heaven on the inside) and fresh baked, apple pie simply melts in your mouth, especially when you take it to the freeze machine and cover it in fresh vanilla ice cream! Watch the drool start to flow and lay it on even heavier for more laughs!
6) Cooking School Certificates for the female in-laws. This is another way to attest to the culinary skills of the households in question. This is also a good time to tell them that, again, you didn’t know what to buy them so you asked their husbands what would be the most needed thing in the house that needed improvement. Then say, “Oops, I told y’all I wasn’t going to tell them that” and watch the fun begin!
Gayla Peevey - "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas"
7) Rabbits for all in-laws with kids. There’s nothing more painful to keep than a rabbit. First, none will have a place for it, or want it, but the kids will be so excited to have one (especially after you tell them that Peter Cottontail wants to see it Easter before leaving any Easter baskets) that the parents will be stuck with it. Talk to the breeder ahead of time, and only purchase female rabbits that were kept in the same pen with a male or two. In a short time, the fun will really start taking place!
8) Mature Theatrical Releases. For the family members that feel they’re too old for such nonsense, provide them with a reason to visit the doctor and enjoy the embarrassment of going to the pharmacy after those little pills that bring about big evenings of nostalgia. Be sure to purchase those that display as many tattoos as possible. In the months to follow, “Have you gotten any tattoos, yet?” can always be a great conversation ender when they start to get on your case about something ridiculous.
9) Sexy Underwear (that’s way too small). Make a quick trip to the web and purchase something that an eighteen year old would have a hard time fitting into for both male and female in-laws. Then, watch the faces as presents are opened and tell them how well it will go with the videos you purchased them! If you really want to have fun, tell them to go into the bedroom and try it on. You can get even a bigger kick if you bug the bedroom in advance and sell chances on the time it takes for the thong to snap!
10) Booze, Booze, and more Booze! The best way to shut up your in-laws from talking about you is to get them drunk. Not just a little, a lot! Spike the punch, spike the tea, spike the coffee, spike the green beans if you have to. Just get them drunk.
Be sure not to drink any of it yourself, as you’ll be needed taking pictures of the fools trying on the lingerie, shooting the weapons out of the windows at passing trucks, and of your mother-in-law vacuuming, as she staggers around the house with a wine glass in her hand. Slobbering drunks that have passed out also gives you reason to leave early, so you can get back home and really enjoy what Christmas is all about.
A Day Off From Work!!!
Some Final Thoughts
If you follow the above advice, you will be sure to enjoy the gifts you provided for a long time. If you decide on trying to purchase something “useful” and “meaningful” you’ll fail miserably, as always. Then, you’ve only yourself to blame for the ridicule you receive the rest of the year.
Why wait?
“Tis The Season To Be Jolly!”
By the way, in-laws, I'll take one of these!
Judy Garland - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
No, ladies, I didn't forget you! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
A Charlie Brown Christmas - Christmas Time is Here Song
Questions & Answers
Comments
Great gift ideas ! I appreciate your hub ideas.
Made me laugh imagining the face after getting the gifts.
Great Hub!
Great fun - loved it!
Rich,
I came back to read your terrific article again. How do you come up with your Hub ideas?
Happy day after Christmas RC.
Loved this so funny. Could have used this advice a few years back when I had in-laws. Luckily for me they are no longer a problem:o)
voted up and shared!
OMG, you so did not. ROLF. Oh, you are wicked.
Best wishes for a wonderful Christmas.
Haha. You are too funny. Poor in-laws will have it coming. Enjoyed your humor and the laughs and I DO hope you won't be receiving any of these from your in-laws, because we know what that means. HAHA.
There is something for everyone in this hub. Someone tried to give me a rabbit once. Hmmm.... what was she trying to say? Hehe. Fun hub and voted up!
Funny! Funny! Funny!
I am sharing this one right away , as soon as I wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so much.
In-Laws! Everyone has them and some of them just need to be re-paid for how they act toards you.
Some of your ideas are a little radical (and expensive), but they are all FUNNY!
Don
Hi RC... still laughing... glad I am not on your shopping list. Yet another that is a favorite for those with children are the noisiest and most annoying toys you can find. Of course include some extra long lasting batteries for the added satisfaction you wil be remembered... lol... Voted up and all across... this is a keeper.
Hugs from Canada
Too funny Rich! I have personally solved the pretentious gift exchange for the out, I mean in-laws by firing their offspring! No more in-laws! Ha ha. Merry Christmas to me!! :-)
ha! Hey I really like those red suede boots the santa floozie is wearing:) lol You know what, people are probably in fear of commenting in case the inlaws follow:) haha
I am linking you to mine right now - thank you so much for linking mine!
You must be friends with my current monster-in-law. She *always* knows just the perfect things to give me every year...well, the years that she remembers that I'm married to her son anyway.
The picnic tablecloth clips have to be the number one present she ever gave me. She really shouldn't have spent so much money! (The clearance tag for 50 cents was still attached).
Great hub. Voted up and shared.
Ha ha - I loved all of the suggestions. I am gonna link it up to my new Christmas hub to be published soon. These are just too good to pass up. And thanks for the eye candy as well.
I always know where to go for a good laugh!! Fortunately I get along well with my mother in law but my husband can't say the same about his. I guess I will just have to pass these tips along to him although I'll have to avoid the sexy underwear visual. Voted up!
These were all great ideas, but are you out of your mind on #3? Giving guns to overprotective brothers and fathers after all of the other shenanigans you just pulled? That's likely to get you hurt! Very funny, thanks for the laugh!
LOL Richard I can see why you have so many comments here! Your writing is so funny - the headline grabbed my attention and I had to read :)
How funny. Love these. Laughing is such a great way to put things in perspective. Taking life too seriously can be bad for your health. I am sharing this on fB ...
And by the way, I love the I want a hippo song...I look forward to hearing it each year. When I need a good laugh, I will be back.
And while I have no inlaws I have some neighbors who could use a few of these items...o my, am I a bad person?? ps
LOL! Good morning! Love your sense of humor!!! I will get the fire estinguisher!
I think I just got into the Christmas spirit after reading this! What a great idea for a hub; the gift of laughter! I really liked the too small underware...lol! I wish I could have offered some of these the last year I was married...chuckle! I am glad you piked out a little something for yourself...llol!!!
I thought this was so funny I had to read it twice! I have a relative who always brings me soap. I've even asked her if she is trying to tell me something and she just smiles...and in case you were wondering....I have soap everywhere in my house and I and my house are very clean. Maybe she is regifting from her in-laws!
Rich, I really love your tongue in cheek humor. Entertaining as ever. Votes up, interesting and sharing. Thanks for keeping the ladies in mind with the final picture, mon ami!
LOL RC,
You did it again, non stop laughing and me attempting to type just do not cut it! LOL
You know, there is so much truth here. As one spends so much time "trying" to pick out the perfect gift to suit each family member and then . . . so why not do as you have suggested so brilliantly here? LOL
Another brilliant hub dear one! The only one I'd be really afraid to give is the weapons one, as they may turn it on me! Yikes!
God bless. In His Love, Faith Reaper
Great and hilarious Hub. I especially appreciate the beefcake picture. We women, even we older women, like to look, and don't want to be left out. Thank you for remembering us. :) Let us know if you will take requests. :)
Lol, this was hilarious. I only wish I still had the in laws I did several years ago........wait not really. But my kids still go for Christmas. I could always send them gift bearing.
As everyone is saying in the comments, this is a hilarious article. I was definitely captured by the title and not disappointed! I look forward to reading more of your epic articles as time goes on. And you know, I may have to let you know what happens when I give away a few of these gifts! ;) Well written! Voted up on all accounts and shared!
I talked someone into spiking the punch one Christmas for a mother-in-law who didn't allow her husband to have even a beer in the yard on a hot mowing day. She really liked that punch too, that she made, and couldn't figure out why it was so much better this year. Of course fear of being found out kept it from being the fantastic day it should have been for me, lol. (I wasn't always an angel.)
You have some funny stuff. I enjoyed it. ^
Richard too funny.. I love it.. especially I want the good looking man with the muscles under my Christmas tree.. lol
happy Thanksgiving almost!!!!
Debbie
OMG...
Richard - me thinks if you followed through on these well-thought-out gifts - you'd have NO in-laws left to buy for next year..
Hmmmm...perhaps that's the plan? lol..
As far as the 'eye-candy' for us women? I'm sorry, but THAT looks to be around 12 years old - got anything in REAL MAN-size?
Hmmmm?....
omg..
voting/sharing/giggling..
Geez..now i have to scroll ALL the way up again...i'm too old for this shit...lol
Funny!! Totally entertained. Great ideas indeed!!!! Voted up .
Hi Rich,
Apologies to be late to the party and boy . . .what a par-tay! This Christmas list is inspired, so witty! Wouldn't you love to give the seedy voucher or the hoover! LOL loved them all Rich and the in depth planning and delivery of punchlines - BRILLIANT! Know a few people who would love to give many of your list so pinning for the masses!! VU more, shares and pinned, truly hilarious work as always my friend!
Enjoying every word in your hub Rich!
This is very funny! I do hope my son- in- law will not read this. But I would gladly accept an all you can eat buffet certificate. :-)
Thanks for the laughs.
I actually have read this Thursday night, if I'm not mistaken. I was at work then and didn't get the chance to comment although it was obvious that I was reading something not work related because I was laughing. There's definitely nothing funny on our on-line memos at work. Lol!
This is so hilarious and thanks for not forgetting about the ladies.
Up, funny and absolutely sharing the chuckles!
Hilarious! I love these ideas. My in-laws are, how shall I say it? Stodgy? I think the adult videos would be just the ticket. What makes it even more fun? My husband's family only buys personalized gifts for the kids. The gifts for grown-ups are pooled we have to play "Dirty Santa" to get them. What could be more fitting than someone winning a gift box of dirty movies and sexy underwear while playing 'Dirty Santa?'.
Thank you for making my shopping season look suddenly brighter with your wit!
There is nothing like a good mean streak. LOL Personally, "Nuff Said !!", I think you should take both of them.
Rich, great advice which had me chuckling from beginning to end - I am making a mental note to stay on your good side :o) I am lucky because I have lovely in-laws so I give them nice gifts. I know how I would feel if I tore off the lovely paper and found a vacuum cleaner - oh yes I do - LIVID!
rcrumple...This is not only hilarious genius....it's just what I need to be dastardly this Christmas......Hey...this brings new meaning to the expression, "It's the thought that counts.".......Draw your own conclusions, IN-LAW!!...or is that outlaw?
Haha! love it! oh please come to my christmas party, you would make it the best one yet! lol! wish I was having a party, and loads of people, the fun I could have after reading this! great stuff richard!
Oh, this is deliciously evil. Forget about in-laws... I will give some of these gifts to my own family. Thanks for the suggestions!
I miss your Monday morning noose, but this made up for that! Funny Hub with some great ideas!
I voted this UP, etc and will share and Pin.
Ha, ha... Hahaha... Haha.... You're bad! Oh, you are BAD!! Loved it though.... Hehe! Excellent gift ideas, and great pictures, specially the one at the end ;)
Love the massage palor one.... I have all brother in-laws, ahahahaha.... No, I won't do that to them! And then again ^_^
Great work, Richy, voting up and awesome!
I can't stop wiping the tears that keep flowing with each laugh. OK got my breath back. lol I am sure glad my hubby and I have only one in-law in the family. That would be his son's wife. I will have him read this for ideas cause she certainly is not well liked by anyone especially his daughter who does not care at all for here sister-in-law. Hilarious pics and loved the videos. I saved Judy Garland for the last because that song always makes me cry. lol So passing on your wonderful ideas and on and on. Loved this and much enjoyed.
Great stuff. I have given out some wild gifts, but never to my in-laws, because they were great. The gift that kept on giving was a Barbie Workout video disguised as a porno video. It was given as a gift 3 times that I know of.
Awesome ideas here and made me laugh you have said it all
A very funny read! I enjoyed your hub from the start till the end! Keep your trademark humour going. Way to go!
Thanks for SHARING. Funny & Interesting. Voted up
Such a hilarious hub, Richard.
Enjoyed it thoroughly.
Ha, ha, ha. You must be very popular in your family! They will probably give you a ticket to the North Pole, valid over Christmas & the new year. By the way, what did you get last year?
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