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Chivs86 Satire - Come Dine with me

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chivs86-satire-come-dine-with-me

Me + cooking – you could say we both have a kind of love and hate relationship. It's like that I love cooking, going out, and buying the ingredients. Then afterwards getting a nice clean kitchen ready and of course finally getting to eat the food but...

but cooking as odd as it might sound – the process of doing so - if it could describe it's own feelings towards me getting to work in the kitchen – sometimes I think that it must absolutely hate me!


I mean literally, if it's not burning my food then it's almost blowing up my kitchen appliances in the process. Granted I do mostly (and mostly being a term I use very loosely) most of the time manage to salvage myself an edible meal. Although there are the occasions when I have to say to myself - I really can't eat that!

Maybe not funny but sometimes I really just can't help myself. Like as I said I hate wasting food and even just the thought of wasting food but It is really like this and I just can't help it.

Give me any item of food – Meat, Fish, Vegetables, Pasta or Rice. Literally anything – Jelly, Ice Cream, Biscuits and I will still manage to burn them.


You only have to ask my neighbours to find this out, or even just keep watch in front of my kitchen window - because when you see a cloud of black smoke that's when I'm cooking and this happens pretty much every mealtime..

Now just take the morning toast for example – something that may I add, I like to have right away - first thing when I wake up and I suppose you could kind of say it's a compulsion.

But It's the same every time – I'll put the bread under the grill. I'll switch the grill on and then wait for it to cook.

Note: You may at this point wonder why I don't have a toaster.

It isn't because I'm old fashioned but if you noticed that I mentioned briefly before about blowing up the kitchen appliances – you might have some idea of what happened to my toaster.

I'm actually lucky to be hereafter that incident. I almost electrocuted myself and burned my kitchen down at the same time.

Anyway though. So as I was saying – What I'll usually do is put the bread under the grill, turn the grill on and then wait. Not rocket science I know but my problem is always the waiting. Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

Which as you may gather is certainly the most important part but what I'll usually do is take a quick wander into the other room.

I might go and grab my dirty clothes to put in the washing machine or whatever. Maybe have a quick tidy up but I swear I'll take my eye off the grill for only a split second and off goes the smoke alarm.

I tell you if only it would just go off when the toast was actually ready and not when all that's left is a flat square lump of charcoal – it would so make my life a whole lot easier.

But it really is like sods law. If I actually do wait by the grill to make sure I don't burn the toast then it never cooks as quickly as when I'm not waiting.

It's like the damn thing has a mind of it's own and only wants to work when someone (i.e, me) is not breathing down it's neck.

Then again I really can't win either way and this is when I'm cooking all foods not just toast. Like lets say I do make an effort to not burn anything. I set the alarm on my phone for when the food should be ready. The alarm goes off – I check the food but it isn't quite done yet.

So I set the alarm again. This time for another 5 minutes but this is just my luck - still not quite ready. So another 5 minutes or whatever but then I think no 2 minutes should be just fine and same as. Still not done yet.

So next time I don't set the alarm at all, because lets face it – it's only 2 minutes but then what happens? Ring! Ring! but it's not the alarm on my phone that's supposed to tell me my foods ready. No! because that would be a slight tad too convenient.

If it's not the fire alarm it's the fire engine racing up the road because my kitchens on fire.

I tell you. I'm so lucky I'm not one of these people who take the batteries out. I'd rather not even think of the consequences. I don't think I'd be doing what I'm doing now – put it that way.

Back to what I was saying though. It's so typical because every time it's the same – I take my eye off the ball for 1 minute. Sometimes not even that and each time all hell breaks loose.


I said it earlier – I love cooking but cooking hates me. I wonder sometimes that maybe I should try cleaning my oven every once in a while. Show it some respect. To see if it shows me some respect back -

because let's say that what if! What if it had a mind of its own – like after years of setting it on fire and never cleaning it very well it just burns my food out of spite on purpose every time. Wouldn't it be like my karma for years of neglect?

I mean I'm just so glad my oven doesn't talk – because I'm sure if it did I would never hear the end of it.

Mind you though from all my years cooking I wouldn't say it's always been a complete disaster. As I will say - you know what - It does actually turn out OK sometimes. As believe it or not! Dare I say it, It's not always bad but I do think...

What if I did actually cook for other people?

Like maybe they'd be pleasantly surprised!

Maybe I could exceed all of my own expectations and actually prepare a delicious meal that not only I fully enjoy but so do other people.

Though doing so it's another thing - I think of the reality TV show on Channel 4 - Come Dine with Me!

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It's maybe not quite the same but this thought always makes me have a little giggle to myself.

Just the thought of myself and having four complete strangers round mine for dinner. Plus not to mention having it broadcast on the actual TV!

I think it would be more like a sitcom than anything else.

Fair enough everything could go without a hitch. No problems.

But I can't help think though what if it doesn't run so smoothly? How funny would it be to catch all this on film? Me cooking in the kitchen whilst the other contestants are sat waiting hungrily in the living room.

Not to mention though - what about the £1000 prize money. Imagine if I actually needed it quite badly and this was the reason for me applying to go on this show.

It will be like crazy right. I'll be like so I'm going to cook something really special because let's face it really I want to win this. Now, what could possibly go wrong?

Let's see – for a start, I'm not an Octopus.