Blueberry Farts!

Updated on September 6, 2018
jimagain profile image

Jim is an accomplished writer with many great literary achievements, most of which he simply made up.

Red flags

Let me just say right off the top, it gives me some measure of alarm about the type of readership I would attract when I wrote this. After all those who would click on purpose on anything written on a subject so terrible as, Blueberry Farts; well it says a lot about the kind of person they are.

And since you have chosen to of your own free will to click on this article my worst suspicions have been confirmed.

And if you are equally repulsed yet somehow compelled to click on something so terribly titled as this if for no other reason as to see what kind of person could write such a title as this, I too understand your fascination with abnormal psychology.

Bold Changes

Where shall I begin? What if I told you I was concerned about the lack of good nutrition that's been conspicuously lacking from my diet. Now, when I say diet, let me clarify. By diet, I do not intend to mislead the reader that I actually pursue a rational, well-informed selection of good foods of nutritious value. My diet, or rather, the lack thereof, is a chaotic, careless consumption of junk calories and fatty fried fast foods, washed down with carbonated sugary drinks. And so one day, mostly in disgust, I declared to myself that I am going to eat healthy. That is as soon as I finish that last piece of stale cake in the back of the fridge, the one next to the fuzzy macaroni.

Several catastrophic failures later, in desperation I mustered up the full measure of my willpower to boldly and emphatically state to the world, "I'm going to eat healthy even if it kills me!"

Some people mindlessly clogging the snack aisle at the local convenience store were startled at my sudden outburst but most simply chose to ignore me lest I resort to more drastic measures. And then there was the old obese guy in the electric scooter, folds of fat hanging off both sides and dragging the aisle, his butt tightly wedged into the tiny seat; drove over my foot in haste to grab the last pack of calorie-ridden snack cakes laced with processed ingredients.

A swirling tornadic vortex of seaweed...

Undaunted I turned to the experts on the internet for guidance. Hmmmm? Kale? Sounds awful so it must be healthy. Smoothies? Why not, I thought! All I need is a blender...a pack of frozen blueberries. Genius! Soon I'd be the picture of health and energy.

So I rushed home with my new ingredients and unpacked my blender hastily to make a smoothie with ingredients of equal measures of kale and blueberries. If this combination sounds terrible to you, let me assure you it tastes much worse than it sounds.

Texture. Now there's a word you don't normally want to associate with anything you'd prefer to think of as a smoothie and yet there it is, swirling around in my blender like a swirling tornadic vortex of green seaweed. And I'm going to drink this?!

Kale, I suspect is probably harvested much like lawnmower clippings after mowing your yard. I imagine it being scraped from the under deck of a lawnmower by some sweaty guy whose pinnacle of academic achievement was the time spent in the bathroom stall immediately after devouring a school lunch. There, globs of it are slopped onto a conveyor belt where it is packaged in brightly colored plastic and shipped to your local grocery store where it sits lurking in the frozen goods section until the unsuspecting consumer buys it.

Gastric Disturbances

There are several approaches as to how best to swallow a mixture with the consistency of soggy toilet paper dissolved and suspended in a fruity elixir; one being to gulp while holding your breath until the last bit has swirled down your throat, this approach being much like a toilet that has been flushed. Or there is the alternate approach where you break it up into smaller gulps while suppressing the urge to regurgitate, thus prolonging your agony.

There it is, in my blender, looking like something an alpaca spit up.

Down it goes!

Chug, chug, chug. Gulp! Gasp. what follows next is a series of twisted, contorted faces followed by gagging noises. More gagging noises!

The combination was so instantaneously noxious that my stomach sent an angry tirade of nerve signals to the brain demanding that my digestive tract immediately expel the mess. Moments later my stomach dumped the awful mess directly into colon which angrily sent the glob further down the intestines (it turns out down was the only direction it could go as the esophagus flatly refused to let it back out the direction it came since it had already endured it as it went down the first time). I began to fart uncontrollably in an attempt to rid myself of the contents. Terrible farts that lingered in the air like toxic clouds of stench, much like you would expect from the carcasses of dead, bloated cattle, a stench followed by a sweet blueberry aftertaste.

The Aftermath

Next week, I said. I'm going to eat healthy starting next week. Kale and blueberries? I don't think so.

I wonder if I can get my money back on that blender?

© 2018 Jim Henderson


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      4 months ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Yes, I'm ashamed to admit, I wrote this! Sigh!. What we do for attention. I've been lowering the bar for literary quality since 2008!

      Thanks again for salvaging my self-esteem! Once again, I am grateful for your comments! Thanks for reading.

    • Marcy Bialeschki profile image

      Marcy Bialeschki 

      4 months ago from Cerro Gordo, IL

      OMG, this was hilarious. And yes, I am that person who clicks on this kind of title. Be concerned!! I was rolling!

    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      2 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Sigh. Never mind. I think I just smelled myself!

    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      2 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Sniff?!! Ugh. What's that smell?


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)