I have a B.A. in History and Creative Writing and an M.A. in History. I enjoy politics, movies, television, poker, video games, and trivia.
The Secret of Men's Bathrooms
There is a secret lingering in men's bathrooms throughout the world. It threatens to destroy the fabric of male comraderie. Women are all-too-familiar with this particular "secret" because it happens to them all the time. Fortunately, they are often able to combat it directly.
Unfortunately, the male bathroom is often the ultimate protector of anonymity. Consequently, men are not able to talk about or even confront those men who are shaming males everywhere by engaging in this behavior. Of course, I'm talking about the act of urinating all over the toilet seat.
A Humiliating Occurrence Revealed
Until now, men have been unwilling and unable to discuss this humiliating occurrence, yet it happens all the time. Here's the scenario:
A normal, everyday, well-behaved man feels the urge to unleash the full power of his bowel outside of the confines of his own house or possibly at work. He proceeds to the bathroom area where, as most men know, there are two kinds of toilets: one designed for standing (as pictured above) and unleashing the power of the dragon jet stream and another designed for sitting.
This second kind of toilet is the kind found in most homes throughout the country and the world and is designed to accommodate both men and women. Thus, it has a seat, which is used by both men and women to release the power of their bowel. The seat then remains down for women to urinate while the seat is pushed up by the man when he needs to release the power of the dragon jet stream.
Since time immemorial, women have had to confront fathers, brothers, boyfriends, and husbands about "leaving the seat up" and/or leaving the seat down while unleashing the dragon jet stream. With the seat down, urine is often splashed all over the place. These conversations either produce a more conscientious man or one that ends up urinating sitting down to avoid any possibility of urine on the seat, but also having to touch the seat in the first place. This leads to a cleaner male. This, in effect, is defined as a small confrontation in the battle of the sexes that women generally win.
There's No Battle of the Sexes in the Men's Bathroom
However, in the men's bathroom, there is no battle of the sexes to be had and because there are stand-up urinals, one would surmise that unleashing the power of the dragon jet stream would never need to take place over the toilet meant for sitting down. Unfortunately, this is the dark secret of the men's public bathroom that men almost never speak.
There are some of us who are afraid to pee in front of others or in places where we can be seen. Frequently, we enter the public restroom or common restroom with the intent of emptying the bowel only to find that another man has decided to urinate in the sit down toilet rather than the stand-up toilet while leaving the seat down. Invariably, urine drops cover the toilet seat and must be cleaned by the next man to use the toilet. There is nothing more humiliating than having to clean up another man's pee.
For one man to inconvenience another man in this way betrays every male trust. It is shameful. It is a secret that men have hidden from women since the invention of the public toilet. For a man with even the most modest amount of self-respect, walking into a stall and seeing the seat splattered with another man's urine produces a combination of anger and depression that no modern combination of drugs can cure. We want to simultaneously kill them and pity their complete lack of manners. We wonder if legislation could possibly mete out the appropriate amount of punishment or if a group of us more refined gentlemen need to gather in roving gangs, install web cams in all the offending spaces, and then attack and maim the criminals when they unleash their horrific act upon the world.
Grown Men Do Not Pee All Over a Seat Used By Other Grown Men
If by some chance you or somebody you know is one of these people, one of these self-absorbed pee monkeys, know that there are those of us out there who are developing ways and methods to deal with you.
If necessary, we will hunt you down and spray you with the stinkiest animal urine on the planet so that when you go home, even your dog will abandon you. We will develop inventions, like the "Toilet Seat Sensormatic 3000", which is a toilet seat that, when peed upon, throws out a flame hotter than any flame in Hell that only burns and disintegrates genitals.
We will film you and post your offense on Youtube with your home address and phone number. We will develop classes like "How to Use a Stand-Up Urinal" and "How to Pee Properly" and make you attend them and then teach them while making sure that everyone you know is aware that you attend them and teach them and why. If you are a man who pees on the seat in a public space, you are a loser, a disgusting wretch of humanity, a blight on the face of the earth.
We know who you are! Repent now!
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
Questions & Answers
Question: This happens to me all the time when there's pee all over the toilet seat. Should I clean up the pee from the person before or leave it because it’s not mine?
Answer: I admit that when I come upon a soiled toilet, I don't usually clean it up unless I have to use the toilet. However, I'm hoping technology ultimately solves the problem. There should be an alarm or something or the door to the bathroom locks until you clean up after yourself.
© 2011 crankalicious
Shawn minnion on August 04, 2019:
Thanks for rhe article, this has long been the most aggravating asspect, of pubic restrooms. Nice to see that it's frustrates other's as well
Frank Atanacio from Shelton on May 09, 2018:
Crank sometimes when ur at a club the seats smell so bad you wanna pee from two miles back... and when you gotta go you gotta go.. I do understand if everyone pees nice.. then it'll be easy.. but that'snot the case... even in a restaurant.. no one wants to touch the seat so they pee at it... but I feel the pain... I hear the shame
Yves on May 09, 2018:
Eeeew! Seriously? A man goes into a public restaurant and pees on the lid of the toilet? Is that what you're telling me??? Did I miss something here? Have I been living under a rock? Gross.
I know that some women complain when a man pees at home and leaves the lid up. For my part, as long as he washes his hands, I'm good. Hmmm. Maybe that' why men leave the lid up. In their minds, it's the right thing to do. Or maybe not.
In any event, this hub is hilarious! Great writing.
crankalicious (author) from Colorado on April 22, 2018:
Thanks for reading!
Linda M Giberson on April 22, 2018:
Excellent write and so true. Especially when I thought of the guy working in a food preparation place, sick......God Bless You for bringing up this topic~!
smilingjimdickson from Too close to the moon on November 25, 2011:
You're so right, there are one or two of us who sneak around and piddle on the toilet seat and don't clean up afterwards, or get half of it on the floor. It's pathetic, clean up after yourselves guys, because we will find you!!!
Carlon Michelle from USA on November 12, 2011:
Though I found this topic nauseating I totally understand it and sympathize with you. In the women’s room there is the nasty monthly cycle issues that have been left on the seat, floor, hanging out of the container designed for disposal and other disgusting things one would think women would be too dainty and careful not to allow to happen, especially when they yell at men for leaving the toilet seat up.
I never doubted men had these issues to deal with as well. Anyone who had to use a public bathroom both sexes share knows this. What i found interesting is that no men have commented on your commentary. I bet many have read it and agreed with it but as you say, it is an unspoken shame.
Great write up on a difficult topic. Smile!